disappointed myself today
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 117
disappointed myself today
I drank today. Nothing else to say. I am weak.
I didn't get drunk, but I'm so angry at myself. I could blame it on work, stress--all real factors this week...blah, blah, blah....does it really matter? I've let myself down.
I guess there's nothing left to do but pick myself up and go on. This is tougher than I thought.
I am sorry. I am apologizing because I am ashamed.
I start over now...this sucks.
Tomorrow is day one.
I didn't get drunk, but I'm so angry at myself. I could blame it on work, stress--all real factors this week...blah, blah, blah....does it really matter? I've let myself down.
I guess there's nothing left to do but pick myself up and go on. This is tougher than I thought.
I am sorry. I am apologizing because I am ashamed.
I start over now...this sucks.
Tomorrow is day one.
Powerless over Alcohol
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Trudging the Road to Happy Destiny!
Posts: 4,018
Sorry to hear that you picked up. 
Your not weak, getting and staying sober has nothing to do with strength.
I hope you think about why you pick that up and drank, and I hope you find a program to work on it with. Together we stay sober.
I wont be here without all the people before me in AA to keep those doors open.
Routing for you.
Your not weak, getting and staying sober has nothing to do with strength.
I hope you think about why you pick that up and drank, and I hope you find a program to work on it with. Together we stay sober.
I wont be here without all the people before me in AA to keep those doors open.
Routing for you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Southeast US
Posts: 332
I am sorry to read this, but it's only a setback after a moment of weakness. You will learn from this experience and reemerge with an even greater resolve to stay sober!
Stay with us here on SR. There are a lot of people pulling for you.
Stay with us here on SR. There are a lot of people pulling for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 117
I fear outside help. I must do this on my own--there is no other option right now. I know it may not seem right to many of you, but I feel like I will lose everything--seriously, everything-- if I cannot conquer this on my own.
I am an island right now. I have to muster this up from within.
Please send me your prayers. I need them right now.
All I can do right now is to breathe and let go.
Razor focus begins again now.
I am an island right now. I have to muster this up from within.
Please send me your prayers. I need them right now.
All I can do right now is to breathe and let go.
Razor focus begins again now.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,431
Welcome back SG
Many of us found we faltered a time or two - it's really hard to change our lives.
I felt that way too - my addiction liked it like that...it kept me from reaching out for the help I needed and making real changes.
You're right that ultimately it's up to us...it's an inside job...
but sometimes, when you're in the middle of a dark sea, blackness all around you - it helps to have someone with a light on the shore helping to guide you in.
Sometimes it just needs some different input, a different perspective....a little step outside our comfort zone in the interest of change...
Don't let fear or pride, or whatever it is, keep you in a holding pattern, soulgypsy.
Theres always more you can do
D
Many of us found we faltered a time or two - it's really hard to change our lives.
I feel like I will lose everything--seriously, everything-- if I cannot conquer this on my own.
You're right that ultimately it's up to us...it's an inside job...
but sometimes, when you're in the middle of a dark sea, blackness all around you - it helps to have someone with a light on the shore helping to guide you in.
Sometimes it just needs some different input, a different perspective....a little step outside our comfort zone in the interest of change...
Don't let fear or pride, or whatever it is, keep you in a holding pattern, soulgypsy.
Theres always more you can do
D
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
Soulgypsy, I admire your courage. I know that you learned something from this, and that you will use this experience to strengthen your resolve.
It is your addiction that is telling you this is hard, giving you doubt, leading you step by inexorable step back to that comforting buzz, the numbness that it needs to stay alive.
You know that the buzz and numbness will kill you. That is the part of you that needs strengthening. The anger, disappointment in yourself, the shame, you don't ever have to feel like this again. You always in every present moment, have the ability to choose
I focus on being in this present moment, rising above my thoughts to just experience them, let them be as they are. I accept them without getting all worked up over them. I accept that this is how I am feeling right now, and sometimes it isn't very good. But it is ok to not feel all that good sometimes, it just is. It will pass.
This present moment idea can be quite powerful if you think about it. The stuff that you did, you did it, yep. But you have all the power in the world to do in this instant what you need to do. Your past happened, and it happened to you, but it is not you.
This present moment idea again. To heck with not drinking for a month, or a week, or a day, or even an hour. Is it a big deal to not drink for just a moment? If you can choose not to drink for a moment in time, can that moment be now? Be present, and be sober for the present moment. Focus that razor laser focus of yours on the present.
It is your addiction that is telling you this is hard, giving you doubt, leading you step by inexorable step back to that comforting buzz, the numbness that it needs to stay alive.
You know that the buzz and numbness will kill you. That is the part of you that needs strengthening. The anger, disappointment in yourself, the shame, you don't ever have to feel like this again. You always in every present moment, have the ability to choose
I focus on being in this present moment, rising above my thoughts to just experience them, let them be as they are. I accept them without getting all worked up over them. I accept that this is how I am feeling right now, and sometimes it isn't very good. But it is ok to not feel all that good sometimes, it just is. It will pass.
This present moment idea can be quite powerful if you think about it. The stuff that you did, you did it, yep. But you have all the power in the world to do in this instant what you need to do. Your past happened, and it happened to you, but it is not you.
This present moment idea again. To heck with not drinking for a month, or a week, or a day, or even an hour. Is it a big deal to not drink for just a moment? If you can choose not to drink for a moment in time, can that moment be now? Be present, and be sober for the present moment.
Razor focus begins again now.
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 604
Sorry this happened SoulGypsy, but try to focus on all the days you did it exactly right and get back to that mindset. One slip vs. many days of sobriety and good choices. It is hard to do, and you have to be kind to yourself. You are full of good resolve and I think you will succeed.
I get it about wanting to do it alone, I feel the same way. I want to feel the strength from within that I can do this. I am thankful for the support and great people here, so we're not doing it alone really. For me it's not fear of outside help, it's not wanting to continue to focus my life on drinking while trying to quit. I realize I may not be able to do it on my own, and am willing to explore Plan B if necessary.
Hang in there, tomorrow is a new shiny day
I get it about wanting to do it alone, I feel the same way. I want to feel the strength from within that I can do this. I am thankful for the support and great people here, so we're not doing it alone really. For me it's not fear of outside help, it's not wanting to continue to focus my life on drinking while trying to quit. I realize I may not be able to do it on my own, and am willing to explore Plan B if necessary.
Hang in there, tomorrow is a new shiny day
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 117
Freshstart, I've never had so much trouble staying in the moment as I have these days. I keep flipping off, then on. I get what you're saying and I understand. I was a studied and practicing yogi for many years. I used to be, and still can be, so mindful, so aware... and yet somehow
life got really hard and I let that all go.
Actually, my drinking tonight was pretty "zen". (I know that sounds dumb) I can't say it was an accident and I was and am fully aware of how I was screwing up even as it was happening...but somehow it was some sort of an out of body thing at the same time. Maybe I was testing myself, I don't know...
It was "only" one glass of wine, and yet, that glass was totally in control, not me. I understand and I am aware of that. It is scary.
I have secretly poured out the rest of the bottle and am starting over right now, not tomorrow.
Thanks for your very wise words. I appreciate your support. I know I can beat this thing. It's just not going to be as easy as I had hoped.
Again, I really appreciate your words. I will re-read them tomorrow as I start over. Thanks.
life got really hard and I let that all go.
Actually, my drinking tonight was pretty "zen". (I know that sounds dumb) I can't say it was an accident and I was and am fully aware of how I was screwing up even as it was happening...but somehow it was some sort of an out of body thing at the same time. Maybe I was testing myself, I don't know...
It was "only" one glass of wine, and yet, that glass was totally in control, not me. I understand and I am aware of that. It is scary.
I have secretly poured out the rest of the bottle and am starting over right now, not tomorrow.
Thanks for your very wise words. I appreciate your support. I know I can beat this thing. It's just not going to be as easy as I had hoped.
Again, I really appreciate your words. I will re-read them tomorrow as I start over. Thanks.
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
Is there something to learn as to how you ended up getting into this situation ?
Is your awareness enough to stop it happening again or are you going to have to cast the net out to find a better way to cope ? as for me drinking is one of the worst ways to deal or cope with anything.
Is your awareness enough to stop it happening again or are you going to have to cast the net out to find a better way to cope ? as for me drinking is one of the worst ways to deal or cope with anything.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
Oh for heavens sake, soulgypsy, I am a poor playback of other people's thoughts. I struggle to put these thoughts in my own mind and live by them, just as you do. Thank you for the honor of listening to them.
This takes a while to listen to, and even longer to fully understand, but I like it. This place you are right now? It is exactly and precisely where you should be. Eckhart Tolle.
Pouring out the bottle is awesome though. You are going to do this, I know it.
This takes a while to listen to, and even longer to fully understand, but I like it. This place you are right now? It is exactly and precisely where you should be. Eckhart Tolle.
Pouring out the bottle is awesome though. You are going to do this, I know it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 117
You folks are amazing and I thank you. I really appreciate the support here as well as this forum which provided me the obligation, opportunity and the ability to be honest about my failing yesterday.
The sun came up this morning and with it a new beginning--good morning, Day 1
The sun came up this morning and with it a new beginning--good morning, Day 1
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