MightyMung

I think I am going through both opiate and benzodiazepine withdrawal.. again.. but both at the same time.

I've been in SE Asia where these meds are freely available and I have foolishly been using them regularly for 6 weeks intermittently.

I am currently writhing in bed, unable to sleep, feeling like i'm going mad.

I need to get home but my Mum's 60th birthday party is on the 5th and I don't want to mar the day by making it all about me again.

I have an excursion to Halong Bay booked on the 4th, returning on the 5th, so i'm planning to drop the bombshell on the 6th about coming home and then change my flights etc.

Sorry for the seemingly pointless thread, I just feel like i'm going insane here and putting my experiences and plans down on virtual "paper" helps me deal with them.

Dee74

see a Dr Mung - iF things are really bad...go home...its noble of you to think of your mum, but think of yourself too, yeah?

D

MightyMung

I really need to get home, feel like i'm losing my mind.

Anna

MM, if you need to get home, then do it.

Do take care of yourself.

Notmyrealname

I am glad to read that you are pulling the rip cord, I was thinking that was probably your best idea when I read your last posting (seems like Asia would be a bad place to be if you are trying to kick heroin, I don't know), but I figure you know your situation better than I would.

Zee

You need to get home MM. Change the flights, give your mum a hug and then get to the doctors x

IndaMiricale

I hope you headed home after you got these reply's.

MightyMung

It's not that easily done, i'll have to wait at least 5 days

Dee74

It's not clear to me why, but OK...
please do seek medical help in the interim if you feel you need it, Jake

D

MightyMung

I'm in the middle of Vietnam, and my return flights are from Bangkok. They're booked for the 10th of September and the company I booked through says it takes 3 working days to change flight details, plus i'll have to factor in getting back to Bangkok and getting from London Heathrow to my home

I haven't eaten in days so i'm going to go and try to force some food down my neck. I'll update you guys later. Thanks for the support x

MightyMung

Okay here's what i've done, and it's controversial:

I've just gone into town and bought smaller dosage pills of the two drugs I think I may be withdrawing from: 5mg diazepam tablets and 37.5mg tramadol tablets.

I tried the diazepam first and I still felt like I was going insane - I initially thought it might be benzo withdrawal because of the severity of the symptoms (mania, utter panic, total insomnia) - but the diazepam did nothing.

I just took 3 of the 37.5mg tramadol tablets and I am waiting for a reduction in symptoms.

My plan is to safely taper off these drugs while I arrange transport home - yes, I have "relapsed" as it were, but tramadol withdrawal is said to increase in severity up until the 7th day and then start to ease off on the 10th - I cannot go through withdrawal while out here, i'm worried about some of the more serious side effects of both withdrawal syndromes (spontaneous self harm, suicidal thoughts, suicidal ideation).

I am going to slowly taper off while I make arrangements to get home, and then I am going to get adequate medical assistance in my own country.

I was on 300mg tramadol/day for 6 weeks so no wonder my symptoms were so severe.

Yes, I've redosed. Yes, I'm weak and couldn't hack it. But from what i've read, both withdrawal syndromes are decidedly dangerous rather than just unpleasant (opiate withdrawal is unpleasant but will not put you into delirium tremens for example).

Tramadol is also a tricky one because of its SNRI effects - I essentially withdrew from extreme doses of an SNRI and opiate "cold turkey" which led me to suffer extremely worrying symptoms. I feel much better now already (predictably) and so feel more in control of my actions. Hopefully, with a clearer head and a planned dosage reduction schedule I will be able to navigate myself home safely where I can seek proper medical assistance.

Thanks so much for the support. I appreciate if people feel I have caved in to temptation, or that my AV was playing mind games with me to get me to redose - all this may be true, but the bottom line is I no longer feel like i'm losing my mind and now feel able to tackle this situation sensibly.

My plan is to reduce dosages but to "maintain" until I am home and can receive proper support:

Today: 3x 37.5mg tramadol tablets, 5mg diazepam
Tomorrow: 2.5x 37.5mg tramadol tablets, 5mg diazepam
Etc etc..

Luckily the tramadol tablets I have contain paracetamol so I cannot excessively dose without risking severe, permanent liver damage.

Anyway sorry for rambling. I feel much better already (better is perhaps not the word, since being under the influence is never "better" - I'd prefer to use the word "safer").

I am going to immediately begin to arrange transport home.

NoFireWater

It is sad to me that you know all of these terms and effects,etc. of all these drugs at such a young age. I hope that you can get home safely, as soon as possible. Is there an American Embassy there that you could go to for help? It sounds to me like you shouldn't be alone making all of these decisions right now. Just my opinion.

MightyMung

It makes me sad too - drugs became an obsession of mine and I now act as a medical dictionary.

I'm actually British, but to be honest going to the embassy won't do much good.

I can alter my flights online/by phone, book myself on a flight from Vietnam -> Bangkok and get a taxi to the airport straight from the hotel. It'll be expensive but that's the least of my worries at the moment.

My main worry is breaking the news to my mum.

Anyway, for the time being i'm just going to stay put, not do anything too rash and get things in place to go home at the click of a button. Then, i'll square it with Mum and get on the next plane home.

Thanks for the support network guys - it's been invaluable. X

justhadenough

I hope you get home soon MM. I'm sure your mum will just want you to be safe and would rather you come home if you need to than worry about upsetting her birthday plans.My son is the most important person in the world to me. If he was in some Far Eastern country going through God knows what horrors with drugs because he was scared to come home for fear of upsetting me I would be mortified.I would just want him to be safe and healthy.I'm sure your mum is the same.

good on you for recognizing what is best for your recovery.good luck with your flight changes

MightyMung

I've had a long, honest discussion today with my brother and sister (they are 37 and 41 respectively and so i'm lucky in the sense that I can get a more mature perspective on things from them). They both agree I should come home.

Aside from the drug issue, i'm also weary of travelling. I threw myself in the deep end by booking a 13 week trip to a crazy part of the world when i'd never even been further than the next country along before. I think I turned back to the drugs to soften the reality of my situation, and as a result i've been living in a bubble.

I've had an amazing 7 weeks out here but it's time to head home I think. I've got some familial support and my siblings are going to speak to my Mum gently the day after her birthday to test the waters about me returning.

For the minute i've got a nice two day excursion lined up tomorrow and i'm feeling much better today, admittedly I did dose again to get rid of the withdrawals but that is because they are dangerous rather than just unpleasant, I will seek medical attention when i'm back on home ground and if necessary, check into an inpatient detox (i was having some extremely worrying withdrawal symptoms that I do not think would be safe to go through alone). I'm going to enjoy my last excursion tomorrow to Halong Bay in Vietnam, breathe the fresh air, and then head home to get my life back on track.

Thanks again to everyone for the kind messages. They have really helped me make my mind up about what is right to do. Sorry for constantly starting new threads and constantly relapsing - it must try your patience to see yet another failure on my part. But thanks for being consistently supportive and understanding.

sugarbear1

Thinking of your safety and am concerned about you.

Take it easy! Please see a real doctor (not yourself) as soon as possible.

Hugs & love,

MightyMung

I'm doing a slow taper from the meds. It's quite ironic - just yesterday I made a post saying I wasn't physically addicted to anything. Yet all of last night and this morning I was writhing about like an eel in a bucket, going insane.

I'll see a doctor when I get home, don't worry. But withdrawing from this stuff cold turkey sounds dangerous, so for the minute i'm going to follow advice from the net and do a slow taper until I fly home.

I'll be okay, don't worry

Thanks for your concern, it means a lot

Hope all is okay with everyone!

MightyMung

This is absolute and utter hell. Booze withdrawal is horrible enough but this tramadol stuff has turned my mind to mush - the withdrawal has me in a horrible, constant state of panic, i'm forgetting things instantly after doing them, my inner monologue has turned into a mixture of my real thoughts, things i've heard in the past and lines from TV shows (which would actually be funny if it wasn't so utterly terrifying).

I just panic called my brother at home and he agrees I need to get home as soon as possible. I've never felt this anxious or panicky in my life - i need to keep reminding myself that it's a drug withdrawal and it will all be okay in the end, but part of my mind is telling me I may have permanently screwed my head up.

This is it for me - once i'm over this drug i'm out. Never again am I going to put myself in this position before. Previously, my addictions had only shattered the lives of those around me, which was horrifying to see but I never felt anything first hand, mostly because I was too messed up to notice.

But now, experiencing this pain myself, is enough to make me throw in the towel forever. I'm never going to touch another drug again after this, this is a living nightmare and it will apparently last for 2 to 3 weeks. This is undoubtedly going to be the hardest thing i've ever had to do.

Sorry to keep posting but it's help keeping me sane - focusing on anything at all is helpful as it stops me noticing how messed up my head is. The worst thing is lying down to sleep and hearing my mind racing through nonsensical thoughts. I go into an utter panic attack and I can feel my blood pressure rising, I just have to get up and pace around the room and breathe. I'm worried I won't be able to sleep for 2 weeks or more. I'm going to try to physically exhaust myself tomorrow in the hopes that that will promote some healthy sleep. Tramadol: the devil. These "harmless" pharmaceuticals we get lured into thinking are okay because you can buy then in a shop, then they leave you thinking you're going insane.

I'm praying to a God that i'm not even sure I believe in that he will be merciful on me and help me get through this, and never touch another stupid, mind altering, toxic substance ever again. Gah i'm all over the place, i'm going to do some press-ups and then do some writing - it's 1:30am and sleep is not an option.

I'm not making these posts to worry anyone i'm just doing them to keep my mind focused. Sorry for any distress i've caused, i hate playing 'victim' but this time I really do feel like i'm in trouble. I've just gotta remember it's a withdrawal syndrome and it will pass. It will pass and I can move on.

sugarbear1

So many of us don't "think" we are physically addicted. That is how little we really know what drugs and/or alcohol does to us.

I go into the rehab (to take a meeting in to them) where I was once a patient. I remember feeling like I knew it all at that time.

When I go there, I now realize how messed up they really are (and how messed up I really was!!!!). I like my sober perspective today.

You'll get there (to a sober life), too! And I hope you remember to stay stopped!! You have so much life to live!

I wish you well!!

MightyMung

Thank you so much sugarbear. You seem so lovely and supportive. I'm eternally grateful - it's amazing how much courage a small message over the internet can give someone