Weasel1966

Well it's more like remind him. I went to rehab in 2007 and told him then but it was one phone call and never spoken of again.

I am just sort of rekindling our relationship over the last few years and every time I see him for holidays or what ever he asks me if I want a drink. I have in the past accepted that drink(s) because I was not trying to stop after rehab. So up until now there was never a reason to bring it up.

I am going there saturday for my nephews graduation party. He will ask. For certain. He will ask my partner. For certain. And he will ask many times until he gets the answer he wants.

I am going to pull him aside and let him know that asking now or in the future is not acceptable.

Where did he think I told him I was going back then? Drunk camp? (well we did have art class!)

You know how I am certain I won't drink? Because my brother pisses me off so much. It annoys him when I say no to him for anything so I like to say no.

He and anyone for that matter, is not worth my sobriety. Thats something I pay for daily and I am not adding to the bill this weekend.

This is also a brother who has never tried to be in my life but expects me to be in his kids life.

I harbor much resentment for many past unresolved events with him. None of which drinking will fix on a sunny Saturday afternoon.

I will give my drinking money to my nephew instead.

silly

It sounds like if you've accepted in the past there'd be no reason for him to believe he shouldn't offer on Saturday. Of course, once you've explained that you ARE taking sobriety seriously now, he should respect that and not ask again.

I have the same kind of brother... the one who never makes an effort but gets pissed when there's no birthday money sent for his kids or Christmas gifts delivered via FedEx. It sucks.

Definitely give your drinking money to your nephew. Or better yet, bring a great variety of soda and sparkling waters for everyone!

mecanix

If someone thrusts a drink into your hand , you can always chuck it down the toilet, rinse it and fill it up with water .

In the past i think i could be a "pushy" drinker almost like their accepting a drink was condoning my own mad/bad behaviour and to be honest i was so self absorbed in getting hammerd once i'd got one for them and they accepted it i'd have never noticed if they'd have drank it or not .

So is making an issue here going to support your sobriety ?
Can you limit your time at this party , if it's going to turn into a hardcore drinking cabal ?
As a sober person i think there is an ideal time to slip away from a party to give my ficticious cat anti-biotics, for me after most people there have had about four drinks .

Bestwishes, M

silly

Hahahaha! My partner's family HATES it when I excuse myself from their hours and hours long gatherings to go feed our pets. and it's the truth! Like being concerned that it's 9 pm and my 5 pets haven't eaten yet is somehow an insult to them? But truthfully I'd love to make the excuse hours sooner and will be doing so in the future.

Weasel1966

no one is doing any thrusting at this party M.

I am just angry at him that he does not take the least bit of interest in our being brothers. He is all I have/had. Don't want to be that alone yet so I deal with him.

and yes making an issue is required if he persists. Its more fun that way.

NoFireWater

Weasel, if your brother wants you in his children's life he obviously puts some kind of value on your relationship,even if he doesn't show that directly to you. Maybe it's pride, or not knowing how to deepen the relationship, or maybe he's just a moron lol, but he does include you in family events so he must want you there. It sucks there is a lot that is unresolved, but maybe being sober will help you sort out some of the issues and let go of some that have been bugging you.

I bet you'll find that sober you will not be as willing to accept unacceptable behavior. While we're drinking we feel guilty we so don't always assert our rights or deal with situations head on. The drinking diminishes your power and makes you give people the upper hand that don't always deserve it.

Is your partner sober too? Maybe you can just flat out say "we are sober now, it is not helpful if you ask us if we want drinks repeatedly". Simple and to the point.

ReadyAndAble

True. But I'm almost as leery of resentment as I am of alcohol. Maybe it's because for me the two were intertwined. They're both so toxic. To me, I mean. Most of the targets of my resentment had no idea, and probably wouldn't have cared anyway. That was the great irony of my resentment—all I was doing was punishing myself. Addicts are terribly good at punishing themselves.

Jeni26

Good luck Ken, I will be thinking of you x

Weasel1966

Fire,

Wow! Exactly! Yes both my partner and I are sober. but what you say holds true. I feel a lot of shame and feel less than so I shut up. I am the kind that people know what i am thinking. Not a lot of guessing with me. Unless.... not being sober does make me back down even when I should not.

This is the same with my partner. I accept unacceptable behavior and he from me when we both feel less than.

Time will change this and we will demand more for ourselves and from ourselves.

I like that. It feels better that way.

Thanks for all the comments from everyone. I am going with as much confidence as needed to keep me safe and keep our relationship moving in the right direction.

I will update you when I get home.

Ken