Ecstasy
A simple guy making his way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
Ecstasy
Superman, Volkswagen, blue batmans, white dolphins, pink lady's.
You name it in the four year run of it I did several hundred of them. I used to get a ten pack on Friday. I got them early in the day and took one at three in the afternoon. Go home get changed and head to the beach. I lived in a vacation destination so the beach always had live music plenty of people. Sexy people visiting from all over. I could walk up to anyone and talk. And did. I met people of every kind and laughed, danced, drank and wanted more everyday. and I did that too. Saturday and Sunday. Sometimes just get a room to keep everything going. The beach air in the evening with the sounds of the waves. All to much for an introverted self hating young man to handle. I had no chance. None at all. I was popular and well liked for the first time it seemed.
But none of it was real. It was my little pill that made me who I was.
I never touched a drug until I was nearly 32. I thought less of those that did. I had harsh judgements for those kind of people.
The little pill had me drinking more and more as I stayed out longer and longer.
I remember sitting on the porch of the new house I bought. I held my head in my hands and told my partner that this is not ok. I saw very early on what it was and where it was going.
He was an addict before we met. Coke. He described his issues but I was in love. Still am and probably to my detriment.
The pill wore me down. I lost a clear way of thinking. By 2004 I was ready to graduate. I had more money. More time. More everything. I met Don. My coke crack dealer. He delivered. Place a call in 20 there was a knock at the door. We smoked a bit. And that was it.
With that discovery I lost everything. My dignity. My houses had to be sold willingly so I could cover up what I was doing. I could no longer maintain them with so little time now available. I also had a web design business on the side. I could no longer deliver on anything. I had maintained my job. I was at a senior level with this company so I had latitude to work with. But I pushed the boundaries nearly everyday.
I had people at my house that were... Well not safe people to be around. I had become the lowest. Hung in the lowest places with the homeless even though I had a good job and place to live. Went to the roughest bars. It was a fisherman's town so the guys came off the boats and we were all drinking at the bar at 6:30 AM when they opened. Playing pool and getting high.
Every shred of my self respect. Every kind thought I ever had for myself were gone. And I was ok with that. Kinda liked the opportunity to not have to worry anymore.
All I need from my abstinence Is forgiveness. Not for any action or thing or drug I ever did.
But because I was willing to give away my person to nothingness. I need forgiveness for not trying. For making excuses about being beaten as a kid. For not living up to a mothers expectations of a son.
I don't want anything back I lost. I want all new. Hope will never be the same so why try. Hope is different now. It's a bit broader than it was.
You name it in the four year run of it I did several hundred of them. I used to get a ten pack on Friday. I got them early in the day and took one at three in the afternoon. Go home get changed and head to the beach. I lived in a vacation destination so the beach always had live music plenty of people. Sexy people visiting from all over. I could walk up to anyone and talk. And did. I met people of every kind and laughed, danced, drank and wanted more everyday. and I did that too. Saturday and Sunday. Sometimes just get a room to keep everything going. The beach air in the evening with the sounds of the waves. All to much for an introverted self hating young man to handle. I had no chance. None at all. I was popular and well liked for the first time it seemed.
But none of it was real. It was my little pill that made me who I was.
I never touched a drug until I was nearly 32. I thought less of those that did. I had harsh judgements for those kind of people.
The little pill had me drinking more and more as I stayed out longer and longer.
I remember sitting on the porch of the new house I bought. I held my head in my hands and told my partner that this is not ok. I saw very early on what it was and where it was going.
He was an addict before we met. Coke. He described his issues but I was in love. Still am and probably to my detriment.
The pill wore me down. I lost a clear way of thinking. By 2004 I was ready to graduate. I had more money. More time. More everything. I met Don. My coke crack dealer. He delivered. Place a call in 20 there was a knock at the door. We smoked a bit. And that was it.
With that discovery I lost everything. My dignity. My houses had to be sold willingly so I could cover up what I was doing. I could no longer maintain them with so little time now available. I also had a web design business on the side. I could no longer deliver on anything. I had maintained my job. I was at a senior level with this company so I had latitude to work with. But I pushed the boundaries nearly everyday.
I had people at my house that were... Well not safe people to be around. I had become the lowest. Hung in the lowest places with the homeless even though I had a good job and place to live. Went to the roughest bars. It was a fisherman's town so the guys came off the boats and we were all drinking at the bar at 6:30 AM when they opened. Playing pool and getting high.
Every shred of my self respect. Every kind thought I ever had for myself were gone. And I was ok with that. Kinda liked the opportunity to not have to worry anymore.
All I need from my abstinence Is forgiveness. Not for any action or thing or drug I ever did.
But because I was willing to give away my person to nothingness. I need forgiveness for not trying. For making excuses about being beaten as a kid. For not living up to a mothers expectations of a son.
I don't want anything back I lost. I want all new. Hope will never be the same so why try. Hope is different now. It's a bit broader than it was.
A simple guy making his way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
Thank you.
Having a very very tough day. My depression is swallowing me. But I am not going to drink. That solves nothing. But the memories of it all make me so sad.
I am not going to let that stop me. I will feel what I feel and move on I suppose.
There nothing left to do.
Having a very very tough day. My depression is swallowing me. But I am not going to drink. That solves nothing. But the memories of it all make me so sad.
I am not going to let that stop me. I will feel what I feel and move on I suppose.
There nothing left to do.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Thankyou for sharing that with us. I could see how your lifestyle led you down the path you took.
I can relate to the issues of your childhood too, and how tempting it is to drink/use to create a new identity for yourself and cover up a lack of confidence. We're not so different.
What I'm realising is that we need somehow to let go of all that stuff. We are adults now and have choices.
I choose to live and at last discover who I really am, step away from the pain and toward a far better way of living.
I feel real hope now. We deserve this Ken. It's gotta be better than the old life eh?
Xxxxxx
I can relate to the issues of your childhood too, and how tempting it is to drink/use to create a new identity for yourself and cover up a lack of confidence. We're not so different.
What I'm realising is that we need somehow to let go of all that stuff. We are adults now and have choices.
I choose to live and at last discover who I really am, step away from the pain and toward a far better way of living.
I feel real hope now. We deserve this Ken. It's gotta be better than the old life eh?
Xxxxxx
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 604
You have a gift with words Weasel, hope is broader now-I like that. You could probably write a book about your experiences and it might make you feel better to get it all out.
Forgive yourself. Everyone has made bad decisions in their lives (you don't even need alcohol or drugs to do that!) and has to live with them and it's hard. Making an effort to get sober makes you reexamine everything and it's not easy to look back. Looking forward seems to be the most kind thing you can do for yourself.
I believe those who have passed on are still with us in spirit. I hear their voices at times when I need to. You can still be everything your mom saw in you-it's not too late.
Forgive yourself. Everyone has made bad decisions in their lives (you don't even need alcohol or drugs to do that!) and has to live with them and it's hard. Making an effort to get sober makes you reexamine everything and it's not easy to look back. Looking forward seems to be the most kind thing you can do for yourself.
I believe those who have passed on are still with us in spirit. I hear their voices at times when I need to. You can still be everything your mom saw in you-it's not too late.
A simple guy making his way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
Jeni. Yes.
This is part of letting that go. I have some more to share but I am very tired today. Emotionally I mean. I have just enough to make it home on.
I am doing better despite what I show here. This is just owning up to things. Accepting them and me for what and who I am.
This is part of letting that go. I have some more to share but I am very tired today. Emotionally I mean. I have just enough to make it home on.
I am doing better despite what I show here. This is just owning up to things. Accepting them and me for what and who I am.
A simple guy making his way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
Thank you fire water. I was thinking about writhing it all down. It can be quite selacious so maybe just for myself. Lol.
I get so much from sharing. Letting someone know.
Glad you are listening.
Ken
I get so much from sharing. Letting someone know.
Glad you are listening.
Ken
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by Weasel1966 
All I need from my abstinence Is forgiveness. Not for any action or thing or drug I ever did.
But because I was willing to give away my person to nothingness. I need forgiveness for not trying. For making excuses about being beaten as a kid. For not living up to a mothers expectations of a son.
I don't want anything back I lost. I want all new. Hope will never be the same so why try. Hope is different now. It's a bit broader than it was.
But because I was willing to give away my person to nothingness. I need forgiveness for not trying. For making excuses about being beaten as a kid. For not living up to a mothers expectations of a son.
I don't want anything back I lost. I want all new. Hope will never be the same so why try. Hope is different now. It's a bit broader than it was.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
I think we each of us bear some baggage from our addict/user past. What can we do about that? How can we move beyond this?
These are tough questions, Weasel, and the answers are as individual and personal as this baggage. Let's look at the options. For me there was only one option: accept that it happened, accept the facts, accept the 'suchness' of what it was. That meant to me no more tears or regret or hankie twisting, there were already many tears shed over my past to no avail.
I accept that this pain and misery happened to me, and that sometimes others were hurt in the process and in many different ways. Yes, it was a shame, it was regrettable, it was full of misery. Got that part. Boy howdy, do I get that part.
The way I chose to move forward was to leave it behind me. I have a past, but I am not my past. I (figuratively) wrote it out in excruciating detail, and burned it, watched it burst into flame and reduce to ash.
Now, to business. How do I then choose to live now? What will I do in this moment? How can I be free of my past? The answer is that I have an innate choice, the gift of will. I have the power to rise above my past and to realize myself in myself. I may triumph, if I so will. Timshel.
Best to you, Weasel.
These are tough questions, Weasel, and the answers are as individual and personal as this baggage. Let's look at the options. For me there was only one option: accept that it happened, accept the facts, accept the 'suchness' of what it was. That meant to me no more tears or regret or hankie twisting, there were already many tears shed over my past to no avail.
I accept that this pain and misery happened to me, and that sometimes others were hurt in the process and in many different ways. Yes, it was a shame, it was regrettable, it was full of misery. Got that part. Boy howdy, do I get that part.
The way I chose to move forward was to leave it behind me. I have a past, but I am not my past. I (figuratively) wrote it out in excruciating detail, and burned it, watched it burst into flame and reduce to ash.
Now, to business. How do I then choose to live now? What will I do in this moment? How can I be free of my past? The answer is that I have an innate choice, the gift of will. I have the power to rise above my past and to realize myself in myself. I may triumph, if I so will. Timshel.
But ‘Thou mayest’! Why, that makes a man great, that gives him stature with the gods, for in his weakness and his filth and his murder of his brother he has still the great choice. He can choose his course and fight it through and win.”
John Steinbeck:East of Eden
Best to you, Weasel.
Powerless over Alcohol
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Trudging the Road to Happy Destiny!
Posts: 4,018
Thank you for posting.
I stopped really doing X, back in the early 90's because when I was in high school in the late 80's in Houston it was still a legal pill. After it went illegal thankfully for me it not only became to expensive it, just wasnt as good.
Not that , that mattered I still ended up doing everything else and over the next 20 some years lost everything also.
But not today for I have sobriety just for today. And life is good.
Again great post and keep on posting.
I stopped really doing X, back in the early 90's because when I was in high school in the late 80's in Houston it was still a legal pill. After it went illegal thankfully for me it not only became to expensive it, just wasnt as good.
Not that , that mattered I still ended up doing everything else and over the next 20 some years lost everything also.
But not today for I have sobriety just for today. And life is good.
Again great post and keep on posting.
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
Insightfull post ,
I remember the pink ladies when friends used to have them . Because of my parents widespread drug use which i think helped bring on mums scitzophrenia i kinda steered clear of anything too chemical . I remember night clubs where i was the only one drinking the beer everyone else was freneticly dancing with water and lolipops, trying to relate was just a non-starter ..
Annyhow into the now .. try not to let that past you, make you sad now.. whats the point.. it has happend . He did what he did , he was just a dear sweet mixed up kid , why not forgive him .
As for the future well i think "expectations are pre-meditated resentments" is where my head is . (great quote, whomever i pilferd it from, thanks)
So that leaves me in a wonderously optimistic now where every corner has a fun prospect around it , the play of light , a flower , the feel of nice fabric , the touch of a friend , laughter, knowledge and enginuety .
I feel sure that the clouds will lift for you and 6 months or a year into it you'll be loving every moment of it .
Bestwishes, M
I remember the pink ladies when friends used to have them . Because of my parents widespread drug use which i think helped bring on mums scitzophrenia i kinda steered clear of anything too chemical . I remember night clubs where i was the only one drinking the beer everyone else was freneticly dancing with water and lolipops, trying to relate was just a non-starter ..
Annyhow into the now .. try not to let that past you, make you sad now.. whats the point.. it has happend . He did what he did , he was just a dear sweet mixed up kid , why not forgive him .
As for the future well i think "expectations are pre-meditated resentments" is where my head is . (great quote, whomever i pilferd it from, thanks)
So that leaves me in a wonderously optimistic now where every corner has a fun prospect around it , the play of light , a flower , the feel of nice fabric , the touch of a friend , laughter, knowledge and enginuety .
I feel sure that the clouds will lift for you and 6 months or a year into it you'll be loving every moment of it .
Bestwishes, M
A simple guy making his way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
No one says it like you M. I love that about you.
I suspect you are correct!
Living in the moment right now. Dreaming of my favorite pizza I am going to pick up on my way home from work.... oh... Well kinda living in the moment!
I suspect you are correct!
Living in the moment right now. Dreaming of my favorite pizza I am going to pick up on my way home from work.... oh... Well kinda living in the moment!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
