Is There Much of Anything Sadder...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3
Is There Much of Anything Sadder...
...more soul-killing more hateful, more hopeless, more hurtful, more humiliating, more stressful, more absolutely awful...
...than lying to the people you love about how much you are drinking, if at all? Pretending to be sober when you are absolutely not? Rehearsing your lines, and trying to keep a straight 'phone face' as you pathetically attempt to convince them you haven't picked up, all the while suspecting that they "know" deep down, and despite your best efforts to protect their feelings and prevent their worries, you have crushed them yet again?
I've been a member of AA for eleven months, and I've heard absolute horror stories. I'm not much of a fan of the program so far (still awaiting the elusive higher power), but as much as I hate the silly slogans, one of them has managed to penetrate through my dense skull:
"There but for the Grace of God".
No, I've never drunk and drove, I've never assaulted anyone (under the influence or otherwise), I've never been in rehab or homeless. But if there is a worse feeling than plastering on a fake, hideous happy face while you shamefully try to reassure your loved one that you are okay, then I don't want to know pain deeper than that.
...than lying to the people you love about how much you are drinking, if at all? Pretending to be sober when you are absolutely not? Rehearsing your lines, and trying to keep a straight 'phone face' as you pathetically attempt to convince them you haven't picked up, all the while suspecting that they "know" deep down, and despite your best efforts to protect their feelings and prevent their worries, you have crushed them yet again?
I've been a member of AA for eleven months, and I've heard absolute horror stories. I'm not much of a fan of the program so far (still awaiting the elusive higher power), but as much as I hate the silly slogans, one of them has managed to penetrate through my dense skull:
"There but for the Grace of God".
No, I've never drunk and drove, I've never assaulted anyone (under the influence or otherwise), I've never been in rehab or homeless. But if there is a worse feeling than plastering on a fake, hideous happy face while you shamefully try to reassure your loved one that you are okay, then I don't want to know pain deeper than that.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
I've been both the liar and the one being lied to and both positions are horrible.
We lie because we are ashamed. We lie because we know what we are doing is wrong. We lie because we do love them. We drink because we're alcoholics. Not because we don't love them. But as long as we're using or drinking or even new to recovery we're in too much of a selfish place to have a truly successful relationship. (Weather it be romantic, or family or friends)
Lying is just apart of it. It becomes such second nature.
You're not alone in your lying. And someday as you/we progress through the steps we will go back and apologize to those we have wronged because of our alcoholism. But for now you can't beat yourself up to much. You need to give yourself time to recover and be selfish.
Easier said then done but in the end it's best for everyone.
We lie because we are ashamed. We lie because we know what we are doing is wrong. We lie because we do love them. We drink because we're alcoholics. Not because we don't love them. But as long as we're using or drinking or even new to recovery we're in too much of a selfish place to have a truly successful relationship. (Weather it be romantic, or family or friends)
Lying is just apart of it. It becomes such second nature.
You're not alone in your lying. And someday as you/we progress through the steps we will go back and apologize to those we have wronged because of our alcoholism. But for now you can't beat yourself up to much. You need to give yourself time to recover and be selfish.
Easier said then done but in the end it's best for everyone.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
PS- I've driven drunk. I've said some horrible things because of drinking. I've hurt people and I'm lucky as hell I didn't kill/injure anyone or myself behind the wheel.
I am ASHAMED of the things I've done, as I probably should be.
But the way I see it I can't change that. I can't go back and undo those things.
Just for today I had to stay sober. Just for today I won't lie. I can't change the past but I can control how I act today. You need to accept that you've told lies last week or last month or yesterday. You can't change those lies. But you can keep yourself from doing that today.
Don't beat yourself up too much for the past. Just live better in the here and now
I am ASHAMED of the things I've done, as I probably should be.
But the way I see it I can't change that. I can't go back and undo those things.
Just for today I had to stay sober. Just for today I won't lie. I can't change the past but I can control how I act today. You need to accept that you've told lies last week or last month or yesterday. You can't change those lies. But you can keep yourself from doing that today.
Don't beat yourself up too much for the past. Just live better in the here and now
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
"...Is There Much of Anything Sadder...
...more soul-killing more hateful, more hopeless, more hurtful, more humiliating, more stressful, more absolutely awful...
...than lying to the people you love about how much you are drinking, if at all? Pretending to be sober when you are absolutely not? Rehearsing your lines, and trying to keep a straight 'phone face' as you pathetically attempt to convince them you haven't picked up, all the while suspecting that they "know" deep down, and despite your best efforts to protect their feelings and prevent their worries, you have crushed them yet again?..."
To answer those questions the best I can..............."YES."
...more soul-killing more hateful, more hopeless, more hurtful, more humiliating, more stressful, more absolutely awful...
...than lying to the people you love about how much you are drinking, if at all? Pretending to be sober when you are absolutely not? Rehearsing your lines, and trying to keep a straight 'phone face' as you pathetically attempt to convince them you haven't picked up, all the while suspecting that they "know" deep down, and despite your best efforts to protect their feelings and prevent their worries, you have crushed them yet again?..."
To answer those questions the best I can..............."YES."
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
I didn't think I had lied to anyone about my drinking because no one knew about it. But it was still a massive source of guilt and shame for me. Pretending to be okay everyday when you're really not is indeed tiring and painful.
Knowing how awful it felt before makes it all the more incredible when you are finally free though.
What's the plan Spencerhead? x
Knowing how awful it felt before makes it all the more incredible when you are finally free though.
What's the plan Spencerhead? x
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 507
The lying is one of the worst things for me about my drinking. I'm a secret drinker or at least began to be the last couple of years of my drinking. It's a shameful, terribly lonely way to live.
And then to lie and say that you're okay. To look your mother in the eye and try to convince her that everything is okay and that you're not as unhappy as you look. That you're still sober. Still doing great. It's all so tiring.
I understand your feelings about AA. I go to the rooms often when I'm sober just so I'm not alone in the evening. Just to have somewhere to go. And my eyes often fall on the same phrase. It gets me thinking and gets my feeling for a moment.
Thanks for the post!
And then to lie and say that you're okay. To look your mother in the eye and try to convince her that everything is okay and that you're not as unhappy as you look. That you're still sober. Still doing great. It's all so tiring.
I understand your feelings about AA. I go to the rooms often when I'm sober just so I'm not alone in the evening. Just to have somewhere to go. And my eyes often fall on the same phrase. It gets me thinking and gets my feeling for a moment.
Thanks for the post!
Member of SMART Recovery
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
The worst part was always the fact that I was living a lie. Not just lying about my drinking but literally living a lie. It was absolutely awful. I never want to go back.
But you know...as horrible as alcoholism is, I have to say, there are things in the world that are more horrible. My mother has Alzheimers. You want to talk about someone being deprived of all human dignity due to a disease over which they are truly powerless? Yeah.
But you know...as horrible as alcoholism is, I have to say, there are things in the world that are more horrible. My mother has Alzheimers. You want to talk about someone being deprived of all human dignity due to a disease over which they are truly powerless? Yeah.
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 604
OTT my mom has Alzheimers too, and yes, it's awful to see them go through this, powerless and relying on others for literally everything and not understanding at the same time. Very heartbreaking. Another reason I need to stay sober, so I can care for her!
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
for a while i think i was quite mad in my drinking. i used to put on my makeup and my clothes while talking to myself. "put on your face. put on your clothes. brush your hair. don't forget your smile for the world. no one can know. this is all yours. no one can know how you feel. now smile big for the world. it's what they expect and you'd better play your part." in public i smiled and grinned. people liked me and i did everything to make sure they did. when i shut the door at home i let everything fall and i drank and cried or cried and drank. i was so scared someone would see my dirty secret. that someone might figure out that i really wasn't happy. that i was a liar. that i needed help but was too afraid to ask. going to rehab and AA taught me to ask for help. that's probably been one of the biggest turning points in my life. you're so right, spencerhead. that plastered on face was so sad. it nearly killed me. you voiced very eloquently how i felt for many years.
Powerless over Alcohol
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Trudging the Road to Happy Destiny!
Posts: 4,018
I glad you didnt drink and drive. I did all that ugly stuff, but we are just the same in this battle.but to continue drinking always leaves all those "yets" out there to find.
And honesty the first of the 4 absolutes and the bases to beginning the journey and living a honest good life.
You can do this,
And honesty the first of the 4 absolutes and the bases to beginning the journey and living a honest good life.
You can do this,
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