Vanilla Extract - I'm a total failure!
 

I have been at this quitting stuff for a while now. I just can't seem to get it. No matter how hard I try, I can't even make it a week. I start off good for a couple of days, then just completely fall apart. I will start off slow (maybe a pint a night), then I just completely spike and end up washing down a half gallon of vodka in a day and am completely spent the next day. I don't have energy to do anything. I will power through that day and not drink then BAM the next day I hit it again hard. Most recently, I have been drinking a lot of Vanilla Extract. I will do this when liquor stores are closed because beer doesn't have enough alcohol to get me even close to drunk.

I have tried a couple of AA meetings, but feel like its not for me. I have been trying to quit so long that I am honestly ready to throw in the towel and say, "I'm done" I feel like this is just who I am and trying to change it is like trying to change one's sexuality. I don't know . . .

What else have you tried other than AA Melberholtz? x

You must be willing to try...aren't you sick & tired of the cycle you're in? Has anything you heard at an AA meeting sparked anything that you can relate to? It's hard early on but be patient with yourself. And the vanilla extract is an example of what lengths you'll go to have that drink. You are not a failure. You can prove to yourself that if you put your heart & mind into it, you can stop. Don't be afraid to ask others how to move forward...they are people on this site & at meetings that are ready to help you....

I hope that you continue to look for recovery programs or paths that work for you. :)

I would love to hear what any of you have done in the early days. Aside from being dropped off in the middle of nowhere I don't have any idea how to make it even a week,

AVRT really helped me. Also being glued to SR x

I had to realize and deeply admit that if I didn't stop I was going to die. Not right away, not without pain. The AA Big Book's first four chapters and Doctor's Opinion really helped me see this.

Rationalization: I'm going to die anyway. Fact: I'd rather die peacefully in my sleep at well over 90 than painfully of liver failure at 50 after a long illness.

I've been sober 23 years. I turn 57 next month and I'm looking forward to a comfortable old age.

What I did was filled my fridge full of bottles of gatorade that I made. Bought several of the powdered gatorades so I could keep making them and never ran out. Guzzled as many of those as I wanted everyday. Always stay full and never even slightly hungry. I Cooked, ate, drove around, went in the mountains on my motorcycle, pitched a tent there, hiking, etc. I washed my clothes and folded them, cleaned the house, painted my RV, changed out lots of parts on my car and RV, changed oil on all of my vehicles, lol. Lots of Walmart, REI, Target, etc shopping or just looking. if I wanted to drink I went for a drive or cooked or chew gum or whatever. I literally put 2000 miles on my motorcycle in this first few weeks sober. I've made it about a month now.

You just have to find what works but staying busy and doing things myself instead of buying chips to eat or soda, the gatorade worked. I bought strawberries, bananas, avocado, mango, and made lots of smoothies or shakes too. Lots of fun, lol. I was tired instead of amped from drinking tons of soda. It helped alot and I slept alot too. Exercise works too and lots of water. I bought several canteen at the dollar store for 1$ and keep them all frozen for going hiking.

I used AVRT though so I didn't give myself any option to drink at all ever again. After about a week it got a lot easier but there is still the occasion where I feel like I HAVE to buy some alcohol, I just don't allow that thought to continue.

This is what FINALLY worked for me also.

I think that SR was and continues to be important in my sobriety too.

First week was tough. Tried not to get hungry, angry, lonely, tired (HALT). Went to meetings. Slept whenever I could. Read anything I could out of books, on SR, etc. Took walks. Kept really busy. Took medication. Focused on the moment as best as possible. Journaled (sp?). Got out of the house. Really anything different than what I did while I was drinking.

WHOA there bud, that's a very strong statement you just made. I like to think that one's sexuality is what/who that person is. Your sexuality is you, what you've been, what you were born as. I wouldn't say it defines you but it is who you are.

After saying that, I would hesitate to say that ANYONE (no matter how addicted) is intrinsically at their very core, a dirtbag drunk.

I guess I would end with saying that you can do this. I rose from the depths of hell about 85 days ago and hope I never look back. I know how much I loved/depended on alcohol and if I can do it, you can as well.

I used this site and lots of AA, still do . :)

I had to get honest with myself and truly decide if I was going to quit!! It took a couple slips but I have today, and thats all I can have.

I didnt think I would fit in to AA either, but when I realized , I still get to hang out with people like me , Drunks. And get to live a life with fun,friends,and purpose.

Best wishes.

Have you considered rehab?

D

It sounds like rehab as Dee suggested could be the kickstart you need to get going.
Your drinking is very serious indeed and you need to put all your focus and energy into getting sober.
Don't give up on yourself.
I used AA and SR to get sober. At the beginning I found AA a bit difficult, most people would **** me off, one of the symptoms of withdrawal. I recognized it as such and kept going, following the program.
You are no different from us, we can get sober, you can get sober. You are not alone in this. At the beginnining no one could have convinced me that a sober life could be this good.
You can do it but you need a program, a plan.
Love
caiHong

Years ago, I was having a baby. My first. It was really difficult. A tough delivery for many reasons. I was scared and in pain. The time came to push. And I screwed up my courage and pushed. The nurses said it wasn't enough. So I tried again. Again the nurses said it wasn't good enough (one even called it a "wimpy" push). Finally in tears I screamed "I'm TRYING" and the one nurse said: "Then STOP TRYING, JUST DO IT!"

I kept thinking of that the whole first year after I quit drinking. "No wimpy pushes," I told myself. I've got to JUST DO IT.

And I did.

What is it with hunger? I had an extended period of sobriety about a year ago, and I was fine as long as I wasn't hungry. When I got hungry it was like an excuse to drink. I would forgo food to drink. How twisted is that. I noticed my alcoholic brain trying to get me not to eat, to get me to drink.

The pint leads to the half-gallon. You know that, right? When has the pint not led to the half-gallon? A long-ass time ago, that's when. The key is to not drink the pint. Don't drink the vanilla extract. Get all that $#@% out of your house and then don't go buy more. (You may have to sacrifice tasty home-baked bakery goods for awhile, but that stuff makes you fat anyway, didn't you see that Scott Pilgrim movie?)

I stayed at my house drinking water and eating whatever I felt like, and when I got cravings I came to this forum and read about other people's tribulations with alcohol and it helped me get through the first few weeks.

Also I try to take advantage of this second shot at a normal life by doing things I always wanted to do but couldn't because I was a drunk. I'm trying to build a sober life so when I get down the road of sobriety and I start thinking about picking up again I can look at where I am now compared to where I was and realize that that guy, I'm not him anymore.

(Not editing for clarity today, sorry if this scatters)

I see a lot of myself in your post. I did really well for awhile but then slipped and continued to drink for a long time. I've just recently quit again and since then have been finding it harder and harder. I have a few days under me now... I know how frustrating it is and how hard it seems to quit. I have felt (recently) exactly how you feel-- that maybe it's something you aren't going to be able to conquer... how tempting to just give in and give up.
Awhile ago Dee talked to me about how it's a leap of faith that you have to take. You just have to go for it and trust that things will get better. That's been my mantra so far this time. Whatever you do, don't give up. I kind of decided for myself that that's my number one rule: Whatever happens, I won't stop trying because I deserve more and my family does too.
I think the tip about being hungry is HUGE. I've noticed in myself that above all the other things, I absolutely cannot let myself get hungry. If I stay full, I have an easier time resisting alcohol.
You can do this!!

Welcome and I am glad you are here. Realizing you have a problem is so much of the battle!

I am new here too and am working on 5 days sober. As far at the hunger goes, I also have been eating more that usual, but I'm just not sweating that right now--one thing at a time, eh? I think it has to do with addiction. I am a bit overweight as well and I think I probably have a problem with food. I'd use food to medicate when I wasn't medicating with alcohol. I will have to deal with the food addiction next, but right now--just dealing with the booze. When I have the urge to eat, I do so as healthily as best I can right now, even when I have the terrible munchies and cravings for salt and sweets...try lean protein, dairy lots of fruit and veggies and a TON of water!

I'm trying not to worry too much because I'm not obese so food's not what's killing me. Alcohol is.

So many people more experienced than I have given you wonderful advice above so I have little to add. I would just like to wish you peace tonight. I promise that if you stick with it, clarity and joy follow!