*WARNING* - long post :(
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: wales, uk
Posts: 43
*WARNING* - long post :(
Please be warned, this is a LOOONg post.
Five days in, now gone. My OH, has just informed me that he is planning a night out soon, going to a UfC show & staying in a hotel, with a friend of his that I hate.
I hate this friend coz he is a terrible husband and father, cares liitle for them and I know he is unfaithful. This has brought up a lot of issues for me. My OH had an affair 5 years ago with this friend as a confidant, I took him back as he always denied it and i wanted to believe him though in my heart of hearts I doubt him.
I have lots of trust issues, everyone I have ever loved has left me. I was very close to my mother till she had a new boyfriend at the age of 8, all my close friends I lost because we were always moving. The only time I felt popular and worthwhile, she moved me away.
A counsellor doesnt work for me. I went to one at the age of 12, I had cancer from 7-8 and had a lot of emotional issues years on. Went to a counsellor, who didnt help much, and my mother soon pulled me out after grilling me after each session and not liking how so many personal, family issues were being brought up during sessions.
I have huge confidence issues too, I am fat and ugly, my mother has body issues, though it has never been discussed. I will always remember certain things she said to me such as 'look at the stratch marks on your legs!', 'put a bra on!''_ me _ 'I am wearing a bra!' and 'my girls are very pretty when they'rre not fat!'. She has a huge problem with fat people, though she's an alcoholic.
I feel worthless in this day and age when a woman's worth is valued upon how pretty or slim she is, (another problem I have is I feel a fraud trying to slap on the makeup, as far as I am concerned, who am i trying to kid?) her sexuality is the only important thing. I am bright, bright enough to get good academic marks, and realise why I feel this way, but I cant get past seeing them as valuable.
Right now I feel hopeless. I have given into the cravings, drank 500 ml vodka and red bull. Tired of fighting the feeling that I mean anything, when I mean nothing, I am insignificant in the grand scheme of things.
I am sorry for the long post, I need to get this stuff off my chest. Most of all I am sorry for all those who have tried their best to encourage and support me so far. I feel so guilty like I have let you down.
I wish everyone the best for today xxx
Five days in, now gone. My OH, has just informed me that he is planning a night out soon, going to a UfC show & staying in a hotel, with a friend of his that I hate.
I hate this friend coz he is a terrible husband and father, cares liitle for them and I know he is unfaithful. This has brought up a lot of issues for me. My OH had an affair 5 years ago with this friend as a confidant, I took him back as he always denied it and i wanted to believe him though in my heart of hearts I doubt him.
I have lots of trust issues, everyone I have ever loved has left me. I was very close to my mother till she had a new boyfriend at the age of 8, all my close friends I lost because we were always moving. The only time I felt popular and worthwhile, she moved me away.
A counsellor doesnt work for me. I went to one at the age of 12, I had cancer from 7-8 and had a lot of emotional issues years on. Went to a counsellor, who didnt help much, and my mother soon pulled me out after grilling me after each session and not liking how so many personal, family issues were being brought up during sessions.
I have huge confidence issues too, I am fat and ugly, my mother has body issues, though it has never been discussed. I will always remember certain things she said to me such as 'look at the stratch marks on your legs!', 'put a bra on!''_ me _ 'I am wearing a bra!' and 'my girls are very pretty when they'rre not fat!'. She has a huge problem with fat people, though she's an alcoholic.
I feel worthless in this day and age when a woman's worth is valued upon how pretty or slim she is, (another problem I have is I feel a fraud trying to slap on the makeup, as far as I am concerned, who am i trying to kid?) her sexuality is the only important thing. I am bright, bright enough to get good academic marks, and realise why I feel this way, but I cant get past seeing them as valuable.
Right now I feel hopeless. I have given into the cravings, drank 500 ml vodka and red bull. Tired of fighting the feeling that I mean anything, when I mean nothing, I am insignificant in the grand scheme of things.
I am sorry for the long post, I need to get this stuff off my chest. Most of all I am sorry for all those who have tried their best to encourage and support me so far. I feel so guilty like I have let you down.
I wish everyone the best for today xxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: wales, uk
Posts: 43
I am gonna go to the docs this week Bob, i need something to help. I am so hopeless at this point in time
Though i doubt they can help
tried AA online its no good for me
I live in a small town and I dont think it will help.
Confidentiality issues, worried that it will be tramps and horrible people there who dont really care.
I feel so hopeless and alone no one understands me
I am crying my eyes out and no one is there
Though i doubt they can help
tried AA online its no good for me
I live in a small town and I dont think it will help.
Confidentiality issues, worried that it will be tramps and horrible people there who dont really care.
I feel so hopeless and alone no one understands me
I am crying my eyes out and no one is there
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Originally Posted by Ash007 
How can you change the person you are, have always been?
Please Google and read AA's "The Doctors Opinion", "How It Works" and "The Promises of Alcoholics Anonymous".
And try not to prejudge the program, you are only hurting yourself by doing that.
All the best to you.
Bob R
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
Hey Ash007,
Abandonment issues run strong in me, i can understand how emotional pain can make you want to seek refuge in alcohol . Truth is alcohol ain't your friend .
Sounds like you've taken an emotional stumble , but there is no need to let it overwhelm you. Think of how some of your postings here may have helped someone , that is not the act of a worthless person .
In my experience (small may it be) guilt isn't terribly useful in trying to beat this thing other than a reason to not drink, you can only try to control and be accountable for yourself, most of the other things in life are unmanegable.
I hope you treat yourself gently, bestwishes, M
Abandonment issues run strong in me, i can understand how emotional pain can make you want to seek refuge in alcohol . Truth is alcohol ain't your friend .
Sounds like you've taken an emotional stumble , but there is no need to let it overwhelm you. Think of how some of your postings here may have helped someone , that is not the act of a worthless person .
In my experience (small may it be) guilt isn't terribly useful in trying to beat this thing other than a reason to not drink, you can only try to control and be accountable for yourself, most of the other things in life are unmanegable.
I hope you treat yourself gently, bestwishes, M
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
I'm sorry that you gave in to the cravings Ash, and that you are having/have had such a tough time with things. Massive hugs coming your way :ghug3
Please don't give up on counselling yet. You had a bad one and your mum probably made it feel like you were doing something wrong by opening up to them. Maybe it was the wrong kind of counsellor. I have limited experience with counselling but I do know that person centred therapy does not work well with me. I need something more proactive like CBT. I wanted to see some results rather than just discussing things for hours on end going round in circles. Maybe it would be worth chatting to a doctor about what might be best for you. And don't be afraid to make that decision for yourself.
What is your support network like too Ash? Did you ever get to that AA meeting? I'd recommend that. It's like getting a hug from a room full of people
I really believe that support is very important. But I think I was hesitant to get help in the past and even now to a certain extent because I felt like I didn't deserve it. Sometimes we need a few people to look out for us because we're not so good at doing it for ourselves.
If you are too nervous about going to AA maybe look into other support. There is a lot out there but sometimes it takes a bit of searching x
I'm not going to make any comments about your husband because I can't trust myself to be polite. It is really important that you concentrate on yourself right now. You do not need other peoples approval to have self worth.
Please keep us updated as to how you are doing xxx
Please don't give up on counselling yet. You had a bad one and your mum probably made it feel like you were doing something wrong by opening up to them. Maybe it was the wrong kind of counsellor. I have limited experience with counselling but I do know that person centred therapy does not work well with me. I need something more proactive like CBT. I wanted to see some results rather than just discussing things for hours on end going round in circles. Maybe it would be worth chatting to a doctor about what might be best for you. And don't be afraid to make that decision for yourself.
What is your support network like too Ash? Did you ever get to that AA meeting? I'd recommend that. It's like getting a hug from a room full of people
I really believe that support is very important. But I think I was hesitant to get help in the past and even now to a certain extent because I felt like I didn't deserve it. Sometimes we need a few people to look out for us because we're not so good at doing it for ourselves.If you are too nervous about going to AA maybe look into other support. There is a lot out there but sometimes it takes a bit of searching x
I'm not going to make any comments about your husband because I can't trust myself to be polite. It is really important that you concentrate on yourself right now. You do not need other peoples approval to have self worth.
Please keep us updated as to how you are doing xxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: wales, uk
Posts: 43
[QUOTE=hypochondriac;3509948]I'm sorry that you gave in to the cravings Ash, and that you are having/have had such a tough time with things. Massive hugs coming your way :ghug3
Please don't give up on counselling yet. You had a bad one and your mum probably made it feel like you were doing something wrong by opening up to them. Maybe it was the wrong kind of counsellor. I have limited experience with counselling but I do know that person centred therapy does not work well with me. I need something more proactive like CBT. I wanted to see some results rather than just discussing things for hours on end going round in circles. Maybe it would be worth chatting to a doctor about what might be best for you. And don't be afraid to make that decision for yourself.
What is your support network like too Ash? Did you ever get to that AA meeting? I'd recommend that. It's like getting a hug from a room full of people I really believe that support is very important. But I think I was hesitant to get help in the past and even now to a certain extent because I felt like I didn't deserve it. Sometimes we need a few people to look out for us because we're not so good at doing it for ourselves.
If you are too nervous about going to AA maybe look into other support. There is a lot out there but sometimes it takes a bit of searching x
I'm not going to make any comments about your husband because I can't trust myself to be polite. It is really important that you concentrate on yourself right now. You do not need other peoples approval to have self worth.
Please keep us updated as to how you are doing xxxThanks for this, what is CBT? xx
Please don't give up on counselling yet. You had a bad one and your mum probably made it feel like you were doing something wrong by opening up to them. Maybe it was the wrong kind of counsellor. I have limited experience with counselling but I do know that person centred therapy does not work well with me. I need something more proactive like CBT. I wanted to see some results rather than just discussing things for hours on end going round in circles. Maybe it would be worth chatting to a doctor about what might be best for you. And don't be afraid to make that decision for yourself.
What is your support network like too Ash? Did you ever get to that AA meeting? I'd recommend that. It's like getting a hug from a room full of people
I really believe that support is very important. But I think I was hesitant to get help in the past and even now to a certain extent because I felt like I didn't deserve it. Sometimes we need a few people to look out for us because we're not so good at doing it for ourselves.If you are too nervous about going to AA maybe look into other support. There is a lot out there but sometimes it takes a bit of searching x
I'm not going to make any comments about your husband because I can't trust myself to be polite. It is really important that you concentrate on yourself right now. You do not need other peoples approval to have self worth.
Please keep us updated as to how you are doing xxxThanks for this, what is CBT? xx
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
What Macanix said There is this thing called Moodgym online which I remember being really good. You can also get good books on it too.
It can help to change the way you think and respond to certain situations. I know some people think that you can't change the way you are but quite frankly that is BS and some of us have no choice but to put a huge amount of effort into changing our behaviours and ways of thinking because they are destructive to us.
Also AA is fab, but is not essential to recovering from alcoholism. Also look into AVRT, SMART, Lifering, Women for Sobriety. There are also books out there that relate CBT to recovery, and Allen Carr's book Easy way to stop drinking is really useful.
A simpler form of CBT is Solution Focused Brief Therapy which might be worth looking into too. It concentrates on your strengths and successes to help you achieve your goals. I practice that one all the time like a little mantra to stop me from dwelling on the negative. Mindfulness helps with that too.
Sorry if that's a lot of information. I hope you feel better soon. And stop drinking. It's amazing how much of that feeling of helplessness is caused just by the alcohol itself! x
There is this thing called Moodgym online which I remember being really good. You can also get good books on it too. It can help to change the way you think and respond to certain situations. I know some people think that you can't change the way you are but quite frankly that is BS and some of us have no choice but to put a huge amount of effort into changing our behaviours and ways of thinking because they are destructive to us.
Also AA is fab, but is not essential to recovering from alcoholism. Also look into AVRT, SMART, Lifering, Women for Sobriety. There are also books out there that relate CBT to recovery, and Allen Carr's book Easy way to stop drinking is really useful.
A simpler form of CBT is Solution Focused Brief Therapy which might be worth looking into too. It concentrates on your strengths and successes to help you achieve your goals. I practice that one all the time like a little mantra to stop me from dwelling on the negative. Mindfulness helps with that too.
Sorry if that's a lot of information. I hope you feel better soon. And stop drinking. It's amazing how much of that feeling of helplessness is caused just by the alcohol itself! x
Spiritual Learner
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Posts: 165
i see you are in alot of pain. I hope you find ftf support. I have those same issues also and I almost committed suicide. I lived that lie, that voice inside your head that tells you the same garbage you heard over and over. :uzi2:IT IS A LIE!
In order for us to change we have to do some things that we don't want to do, we have to go where we don't want to go, or let me say our disease don't want us to go (that voice that puts us down). You can't do this alone, support is right there. I remember I said the same thing about AA, and after and during the meeting I cried because these were the same people with their pain trying to live life without drinking/killing themselves. The only difference they had the solution to stay stopped and live life healthy (emotionally healthy). AA is not the only way there are others but make sure you find more than online support online can only go so far.
Try counseling again and don't discuss nothing with your mother your life now is none of her business one thing misery loves company, she will keep putting you down so she can feel better. That hurting feeling is you on the inbside wanting to come out, with professional help you can live another beautiful life (we are the few that can live two lives in one) come and join us YOU ARE WORTH IT!:ghug3
I will pray for you and pray that you love yourself as we love you!!!
In order for us to change we have to do some things that we don't want to do, we have to go where we don't want to go, or let me say our disease don't want us to go (that voice that puts us down). You can't do this alone, support is right there. I remember I said the same thing about AA, and after and during the meeting I cried because these were the same people with their pain trying to live life without drinking/killing themselves. The only difference they had the solution to stay stopped and live life healthy (emotionally healthy). AA is not the only way there are others but make sure you find more than online support online can only go so far.
Try counseling again and don't discuss nothing with your mother your life now is none of her business one thing misery loves company, she will keep putting you down so she can feel better. That hurting feeling is you on the inbside wanting to come out, with professional help you can live another beautiful life (we are the few that can live two lives in one) come and join us YOU ARE WORTH IT!:ghug3
I will pray for you and pray that you love yourself as we love you!!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 74
Hi Ash, I grew up with an alcoholic father and a mother who is mentally ill. I know how it feels to be put down by the one who is suppose to love you and protect you. I also know how it feels to take on the adult responsibility at the age of seven. I know how it feels to be put in foster care because your mother can't cope and your father chose booze over his kids. I know how it feels to go days eating rice and milk because your parent decided to drink rather then feed his kids. I know how it feels to walk on egg shells wondering when the abuse will start.
That's just my childhood. I was not overweight, I was skinny and I felt ugly. I felt totally and completely unlovable. I never trusted anyone because I was afraid that they would walk away or use the trust against me.
I am a grown up now and I decide my path in life. I could have chosen alcohol or drugs because hey I had a rough life. There is addiction in my family whether is drugs, alcohol or both. I decided neither. Both of them self medicates and it's a temporary fix.
I bet you are a beautiful woman who sees herself though her alcoholics mothers eyes. Stop doing that even if you have to stop looking in the mirror for awhile. Look at yourself through your friends eyes, your pets eyes. Stop condemning yourself because of her imprinting, it doesn't have to happen to you.
That's just my childhood. I was not overweight, I was skinny and I felt ugly. I felt totally and completely unlovable. I never trusted anyone because I was afraid that they would walk away or use the trust against me.
I am a grown up now and I decide my path in life. I could have chosen alcohol or drugs because hey I had a rough life. There is addiction in my family whether is drugs, alcohol or both. I decided neither. Both of them self medicates and it's a temporary fix.
I bet you are a beautiful woman who sees herself though her alcoholics mothers eyes. Stop doing that even if you have to stop looking in the mirror for awhile. Look at yourself through your friends eyes, your pets eyes. Stop condemning yourself because of her imprinting, it doesn't have to happen to you.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
Sending love and hugs your way.
What's OH mean?
Ash, you can stay stopped and your thoughts that are so negative can change to more positive thoughts. My trust issues started with me. I couldn't trust myself as I had lied to myself so many times before I lied to others. If I lie to me, others must also be lying, too. Yeah, severe trust issues. These can change, too.
You are worth sobriety and healing. You can do this. Try another counselor. If you aren't ready to go to AA, then find something else, but even if you went and got a few phone numbers and called these people when you had a craving or a bad day, the in-person support is there.
I wish you healing.
Love,
What's OH mean?
Ash, you can stay stopped and your thoughts that are so negative can change to more positive thoughts. My trust issues started with me. I couldn't trust myself as I had lied to myself so many times before I lied to others. If I lie to me, others must also be lying, too. Yeah, severe trust issues. These can change, too.
You are worth sobriety and healing. You can do this. Try another counselor. If you aren't ready to go to AA, then find something else, but even if you went and got a few phone numbers and called these people when you had a craving or a bad day, the in-person support is there.
I wish you healing.
Love,
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 879
Ash, I am so sorry you are feeling like that. I feel your self loathing and fear, a couple things I can sure relate too. I know it is so hard to not drink over/because of people and situations like the carp with your husband and mother but I always look at it as not giving my power over to someone else. I stay sober for me, & if I drink because of someone else, I'm relinquishing my personal power & value. You know you don't like how that feels.
I do feel that your husband is not being fair or supportive by going out to stay in a hotel with a friend with that track record. I went through all those behaviours with my former partner. I don't care how accepting/understanding you/me may be. It's not ok.
Your mom, wtf? My heart goes out to you and I wish I could see you and give you a big hug. We all have inherent value as people. You are not fat and ugly. Your mom's behaviour sure is ugly though. I hope you can put your sobriety first. In just my experience only, I sure had to let a lot go in my life to get sober. People, places...some had to be gone in order for me to live.
Very good thoughts from me to you Ash Please keep us posted on your journey.
I do feel that your husband is not being fair or supportive by going out to stay in a hotel with a friend with that track record. I went through all those behaviours with my former partner. I don't care how accepting/understanding you/me may be. It's not ok.
Your mom, wtf? My heart goes out to you and I wish I could see you and give you a big hug. We all have inherent value as people. You are not fat and ugly. Your mom's behaviour sure is ugly though. I hope you can put your sobriety first. In just my experience only, I sure had to let a lot go in my life to get sober. People, places...some had to be gone in order for me to live.
Very good thoughts from me to you Ash
Please keep us posted on your journey.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: wales, uk
Posts: 43
I'm sorry if I ranted a bit, but all your kind words, your lovely generous support has given me a lot of comfort today so thank you all so much. It means a lot to me, to know im not crazy or alone in the world. I am resolving from this moment on to not let anyone down again 
I hope one day I can be there for you as you were for me
Take care of yourselves everybody, you are some of the kindest loveliest people I have ever had the pleasure to 'meet' xxx
I hope one day I can be there for you as you were for me
Take care of yourselves everybody, you are some of the kindest loveliest people I have ever had the pleasure to 'meet' xxx
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,308
Ash,
Things can and do change. We can all attest to that on this forum. If you want what most of us are gaining from a sober life you have put in the work. If you are willing to do this I promise you your life will change but nothing will ever change with a defeatist attitude.
You talk about one day in the future you hope you can be there for us. You are here now and you are here for us and we want you to get sober and get more from your life.
AA and SR are keeping me sober
Love
CaiHong
Things can and do change. We can all attest to that on this forum. If you want what most of us are gaining from a sober life you have put in the work. If you are willing to do this I promise you your life will change but nothing will ever change with a defeatist attitude.
You talk about one day in the future you hope you can be there for us. You are here now and you are here for us and we want you to get sober and get more from your life.
AA and SR are keeping me sober
Love
CaiHong
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