Will it really work this time?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Staunton, Va
Posts: 6
Will it really work this time?
I guess this is where I begin starting to talk.
I'm miserable. I guess my alcoholic mind thrives on being miserable. I'm a somewhat young college graduate starting a Master's program in Education.
This lifestyle I am living is not one that a teacher should live. I have been kicking around the idea of a "5 year plan." What do I see in this plan? Well, not the person I am today. I see myself as a father, an educator and returning to cycling to become the athlete I used to be. In this 5 year world I don't see alcohol in the situation.
I assume this whole ordeal is simple at first. Just quit. I have quit before but always went back. I need to quit. I must quit. I have had two dui's, and two recent situations where I scraped by because well, I am a smart drunk now. My love life is horrible. I lost my teenage girlfriend at 19 in a car accident and have started drinking ever since. I have never been able to pick up relationship pieces and have even successful friendships. I don't want to be this person and she wouldn't want me to be either.
I believe I should start going to meetings of the AA sort. I just never liked them but I guess I need them. I live in a tiny rural town and AA seems to be the only support group. On another note, I don't have any health insurance. So I can't get any professional help. I have lived with depression every day since I was 19. Yet, no one knows it because I have this facade that I play. People see me as a responsible and strong young man.
Ironically that's not who I am on the inside. I'm a sad, sad boy on the inside. I really feel like I am about to crack. SOON. I'm used to having no emotion at all. That's how I deal. But there has been emotions coming back since I quit a couple days ago. I don't like it.
I'm miserable. I guess my alcoholic mind thrives on being miserable. I'm a somewhat young college graduate starting a Master's program in Education.
This lifestyle I am living is not one that a teacher should live. I have been kicking around the idea of a "5 year plan." What do I see in this plan? Well, not the person I am today. I see myself as a father, an educator and returning to cycling to become the athlete I used to be. In this 5 year world I don't see alcohol in the situation.
I assume this whole ordeal is simple at first. Just quit. I have quit before but always went back. I need to quit. I must quit. I have had two dui's, and two recent situations where I scraped by because well, I am a smart drunk now. My love life is horrible. I lost my teenage girlfriend at 19 in a car accident and have started drinking ever since. I have never been able to pick up relationship pieces and have even successful friendships. I don't want to be this person and she wouldn't want me to be either.
I believe I should start going to meetings of the AA sort. I just never liked them but I guess I need them. I live in a tiny rural town and AA seems to be the only support group. On another note, I don't have any health insurance. So I can't get any professional help. I have lived with depression every day since I was 19. Yet, no one knows it because I have this facade that I play. People see me as a responsible and strong young man.
Ironically that's not who I am on the inside. I'm a sad, sad boy on the inside. I really feel like I am about to crack. SOON. I'm used to having no emotion at all. That's how I deal. But there has been emotions coming back since I quit a couple days ago. I don't like it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 57
Hey spin!
Thanks for your post. I'm new also, and I can totally relate to what you're saying. I started numbing my feelings when my parents got divorced and my mother's primary enabler (my grandmother) passed away w hen I was 14. And my life became unmanageable very quickly, but I didn't realize it for another 12 years or so.
In my experience, depression and addiction are directly related. When I stopped numbing out the feelings and thoughts were so so so hard to bear, almost impossible. And it took me a little while to realize that while it might seem torturous, it DOES actually pass and i DO survive. But you don't know that until you give it an honest try.
It's great that you have the awareness of how sad you are on the inside. Emotions keep us alive and in touch with what we are really feeling. It's okay to have them, it's okay to feel however we do - it is the truth. And one thing I've learned about recovery is that it is about living in reality, living in what is real. It hurts like hell sometimes but it's all there really is.
Take care and keep coming back.
Thanks for your post. I'm new also, and I can totally relate to what you're saying. I started numbing my feelings when my parents got divorced and my mother's primary enabler (my grandmother) passed away w hen I was 14. And my life became unmanageable very quickly, but I didn't realize it for another 12 years or so.
In my experience, depression and addiction are directly related. When I stopped numbing out the feelings and thoughts were so so so hard to bear, almost impossible. And it took me a little while to realize that while it might seem torturous, it DOES actually pass and i DO survive. But you don't know that until you give it an honest try.
It's great that you have the awareness of how sad you are on the inside. Emotions keep us alive and in touch with what we are really feeling. It's okay to have them, it's okay to feel however we do - it is the truth. And one thing I've learned about recovery is that it is about living in reality, living in what is real. It hurts like hell sometimes but it's all there really is.
Take care and keep coming back.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Depression is why I began AA recovery....and it has helped me
immensley in dealing with all sorts of situations without alcohol..
I do hope you will explore AA with an open mind.
What is AA? a program that is based on how to
live sober by useing our AA Steps.
Please do begin the Steps as soon as possible.
BTW my depression lifted rather quickly in early sobreity.
I certainly hope that will be true for you as well...
Welcome to our recovery community ..
immensley in dealing with all sorts of situations without alcohol..
I do hope you will explore AA with an open mind.
What is AA? a program that is based on how to
live sober by useing our AA Steps.
Please do begin the Steps as soon as possible.
BTW my depression lifted rather quickly in early sobreity.
I certainly hope that will be true for you as well...
Welcome to our recovery community ..
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
Hey, spintowin, glad you found us. I can totally relate. Not just to the depression, but the isolation of feeling like I was living a lie, hiding behind a mask. At the time, I told myself that drinking helped numb that pain. Only after I quit did I realize that I had bought into the biggest lie of all. Drinking was causing most of that pain; it was amazing how much more hopeful things looked once I was free of its grip.
I bet you're going to be really glad you took this leap of faith.
I bet you're going to be really glad you took this leap of faith.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
Welcome spintowin
As others have said, you'll find a lot of support here
If you feel AA's not for you and you feel medical help is out of reach because you have no insurance, do you have any ideas about what you might do, any ideas on how to make changes in your life that might be permanent?
D
As others have said, you'll find a lot of support here
If you feel AA's not for you and you feel medical help is out of reach because you have no insurance, do you have any ideas about what you might do, any ideas on how to make changes in your life that might be permanent?
D
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
Welcome to SR!
Glad you are here!
Willing to go to any lengths to have a fabulous life? click this: Virginia AA - Area 71 of Alcoholics Anonymous - Virginia Intergroups
Glad you are here!
Willing to go to any lengths to have a fabulous life? click this: Virginia AA - Area 71 of Alcoholics Anonymous - Virginia Intergroups
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
Welcome, SpintoWin, to SR and to the team. Glad to have you here to join us.
I am saddened to hear of your loss, of your girlfriend as you call her. I think in a situation like that, you really think of her as your partner, at least that's what the plan was. Very very hard. I have not experienced that kind of loss, but your anguish comes through loud and clear.
You have a long term plan, and that is wonderful. You have an image of an endstate, and a timeline to get there, and you understand that this drinking thing cannot be part of it. In fact, it might be the only obstacle in your way.
This is another positive realization for you, and your assessment is exactly correct. The solution is very very simple - stop drinking. That is it, and that is all of it. It is dead simple, and the degree of difficulty is really up to you.
I wanted to learn as much as I could about this alcohol addiction stuff, and spent many hours reading, comparing, looking for hard data on what works. I looked at different ideas of recovery and examined information from every source I could find. I took responsibility for my drinking, and I also took responsibility for my sobriety.
You have an education, and skills that go along with that. You are here, and that is a start. What else are you going to do? Are you ready to make a plan about continuing to use alcohol?
Keep posting, spintowin. There is a snazzy Cervelo in your future, and everything else in your plan too. You have the power to choose.
I am saddened to hear of your loss, of your girlfriend as you call her. I think in a situation like that, you really think of her as your partner, at least that's what the plan was. Very very hard. I have not experienced that kind of loss, but your anguish comes through loud and clear.
You have a long term plan, and that is wonderful. You have an image of an endstate, and a timeline to get there, and you understand that this drinking thing cannot be part of it. In fact, it might be the only obstacle in your way.
I assume this whole ordeal is simple at first. Just quit. I need to quit. I must quit.
I wanted to learn as much as I could about this alcohol addiction stuff, and spent many hours reading, comparing, looking for hard data on what works. I looked at different ideas of recovery and examined information from every source I could find. I took responsibility for my drinking, and I also took responsibility for my sobriety.
You have an education, and skills that go along with that. You are here, and that is a start. What else are you going to do? Are you ready to make a plan about continuing to use alcohol?
Keep posting, spintowin. There is a snazzy Cervelo in your future, and everything else in your plan too. You have the power to choose.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Staunton, Va
Posts: 6
Crap, I think I cut back too much and too quickly. I had started getting migraines after exercising and small doses of alcohol helped to cure the symptoms.
I realize this is still just an excuse for self-medication but I look forward to getting one day sober again. I did not do a one last hurrah and just cut back as much as I could while battling side effects. I reduced my alcohol intake to just 4 beers today to stop the shakes, headaches, fears and foggyness. Tomorrow I am going to a meeting before and after work.
As for the shakes and migraines, I have been taking Sam-E, vitamin B complex, niacin and iron. It seems to be helping a bit but I am getting loss of feeling in some extremities and experienced a loss of total vision today while walking. I am viewing this as positive because it was a big migraine. I assume I am physically dependent on alcohol and this may be one of the last "kicks" that my body is going through. I understand that alcohol takes a massive toll on the nervous system; I just hope I didn't **** something up.
There is great news though. I visited my new campus today to take care of the upcoming semester. It's a bright and cheerful private women's college where I assume I am one of the only men attending. Having everyone treat me with respect and already on a first name basis was a great feeling. When I walk around town sometimes I feel that people judge me because of who I used to be. I'm taking this opportunity as a fresh start.
One great thing is the feelings come back and the bad thing is that the feelings come back. Even cutting back I have become an emotional trainwreck and am still trying to hide a bit of the sadness. At least I am not hiding the sadness by being ********* and numb. The dreams are whoah! vivid! though. I guess it's all these emotions and memories coming back from when I was tanked 24/7 for the last 6 years.
Uhm, also this is a bit embarrassing but is there a certain smell that recovering alcoholics smell like? A lot of my clothes, myself and my room have started to be associated with a faint smell. It's kinda like an old pair of shoes that get pretty moldy. Like moldy sweat? But even the shirt I wore today smelled like it. How long does this last usually?
Is joint popping something else that happens too?
Muscle spasms?
Extreme tiredness?
Lack of appetite?
It's ok to cry right?
And freshstart57 I thank you for the cervelo comment. They have always been beautiful bikes but carbon is not my cup of tea. Big guys like me need steel
I realize this is still just an excuse for self-medication but I look forward to getting one day sober again. I did not do a one last hurrah and just cut back as much as I could while battling side effects. I reduced my alcohol intake to just 4 beers today to stop the shakes, headaches, fears and foggyness. Tomorrow I am going to a meeting before and after work.
As for the shakes and migraines, I have been taking Sam-E, vitamin B complex, niacin and iron. It seems to be helping a bit but I am getting loss of feeling in some extremities and experienced a loss of total vision today while walking. I am viewing this as positive because it was a big migraine. I assume I am physically dependent on alcohol and this may be one of the last "kicks" that my body is going through. I understand that alcohol takes a massive toll on the nervous system; I just hope I didn't **** something up.
There is great news though. I visited my new campus today to take care of the upcoming semester. It's a bright and cheerful private women's college where I assume I am one of the only men attending. Having everyone treat me with respect and already on a first name basis was a great feeling. When I walk around town sometimes I feel that people judge me because of who I used to be. I'm taking this opportunity as a fresh start.
One great thing is the feelings come back and the bad thing is that the feelings come back. Even cutting back I have become an emotional trainwreck and am still trying to hide a bit of the sadness. At least I am not hiding the sadness by being ********* and numb. The dreams are whoah! vivid! though. I guess it's all these emotions and memories coming back from when I was tanked 24/7 for the last 6 years.
Uhm, also this is a bit embarrassing but is there a certain smell that recovering alcoholics smell like? A lot of my clothes, myself and my room have started to be associated with a faint smell. It's kinda like an old pair of shoes that get pretty moldy. Like moldy sweat? But even the shirt I wore today smelled like it. How long does this last usually?
Is joint popping something else that happens too?
Muscle spasms?
Extreme tiredness?
Lack of appetite?
It's ok to cry right?
And freshstart57 I thank you for the cervelo comment. They have always been beautiful bikes but carbon is not my cup of tea. Big guys like me need steel
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
Have you considered seeing a Dr spintowin?
I find that's preferable to any kind of self medication - self medication was what got me into trouble in the first place.
As for smell I think anyone who drinks regularly can get a little funky...I used to have a faint alcohol smell come from my very pores....
if my experience is any guide it should clear up a week or two after you quit.
D
I find that's preferable to any kind of self medication - self medication was what got me into trouble in the first place.
As for smell I think anyone who drinks regularly can get a little funky...I used to have a faint alcohol smell come from my very pores....
if my experience is any guide it should clear up a week or two after you quit.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Staunton, Va
Posts: 6
Dee74,
I can't afford a doctor's visit at the moment. I'm still paying off a visit from 7 months ago to see a shrink. If I need to go I will call my mother to get a ride to a free clinic. But it feels like most withdrawal symptoms are coming to an end.
I can't afford a doctor's visit at the moment. I'm still paying off a visit from 7 months ago to see a shrink. If I need to go I will call my mother to get a ride to a free clinic. But it feels like most withdrawal symptoms are coming to an end.
Powerless over Alcohol
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Trudging the Road to Happy Destiny!
Posts: 4,018
We all get here when were ready, hopefully some never make it.
I myself had 4 dui's, lost great jobs, car, freedom, and health. I lived daily with terrible shakes. It took me a good 5-8 large shots of blackhaus or something 100 proof to be able to not shake enough to function at work. And I continued to drink throughout the day and night. I got away with a lot more than I got caught with, but for me it wasnt because I was a smart drunk(certainly not as smart as I thought I was), but I was a good lying , cheating, and thieving drunk.
Until I fully surrundered a accepted what I was , and was willing to do what was suggusted by the men and women I surrounded myself with, in AA nothing was going to change.
I am sorry you dont like it, I do wonder why you didnt state. But look at some other programs and grab on , and work it.
You can be free.
I myself had 4 dui's, lost great jobs, car, freedom, and health. I lived daily with terrible shakes. It took me a good 5-8 large shots of blackhaus or something 100 proof to be able to not shake enough to function at work. And I continued to drink throughout the day and night. I got away with a lot more than I got caught with, but for me it wasnt because I was a smart drunk(certainly not as smart as I thought I was), but I was a good lying , cheating, and thieving drunk.
Until I fully surrundered a accepted what I was , and was willing to do what was suggusted by the men and women I surrounded myself with, in AA nothing was going to change.
I am sorry you dont like it, I do wonder why you didnt state. But look at some other programs and grab on , and work it.
You can be free.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,226
Glad to have you with us Spin, and sorry to hear that you are struggling.
A thought. . .I got a Masters in Education years ago in community counseling. Part of the program involved a practicum where we provided counseling free of charge to community members with supervision from PhDs. Maybe you could see if something exists at the school you will be attending? Minimally, it will provide you with an outlet in a confidential setting.
Also, keep posting here, and let us know how you are doing. Many wise people on this board, and you will surely receive some good support.
A thought. . .I got a Masters in Education years ago in community counseling. Part of the program involved a practicum where we provided counseling free of charge to community members with supervision from PhDs. Maybe you could see if something exists at the school you will be attending? Minimally, it will provide you with an outlet in a confidential setting.
Also, keep posting here, and let us know how you are doing. Many wise people on this board, and you will surely receive some good support.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Staunton, Va
Posts: 6
The problem I really have with AA is that most meetings I go to are evangelical in nature. I'm not a supporter of the whole higher power. Being from the bible belt I have viewed most of these meetings as being biased toward the idea of faith in christ as a whole.
Another one is that most people in AA, who are new at it, seem to talk about the negative aspects of who they were and not the positive aspects of who they are trying to become now.
I have a meeting in an hour and a half so I'll see if it helps though. I gave alcohol a shot guess I'll do the same for AA.
Another one is that most people in AA, who are new at it, seem to talk about the negative aspects of who they were and not the positive aspects of who they are trying to become now.
I have a meeting in an hour and a half so I'll see if it helps though. I gave alcohol a shot guess I'll do the same for AA.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: minnesota
Posts: 272
Hi and welcome spintowin. i guess what caught my attention when reading your post was the "5 year plan". i can't even plan the next five minutes of my life...and i like it that way : ) i wish you the very best, and i hope you find what helps you. for me it was in patient treatment. i see you have no health ins. but sometimes there are benefactors, and programs, at least where i live anyway...MN the land of 10,000 treatment centers. also, i think of the words of John Lennon, "life is what happens while we are busy making other plans" God bless!
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
Spiritual, not religious. Yes, a power greater than you, one of your conception. The last place to go after you realize you can't do this on your own...... Also remember where you are living, a Little Bible Belt in the USA...even though it's AA, it's going to be full of local people.
Enjoy the meeting! or not. There are other programs available, too. Try not to intellectualize this, look for a sponsor to guide you through the steps, the new solution to drinking!
Enjoy the meeting! or not. There are other programs available, too. Try not to intellectualize this, look for a sponsor to guide you through the steps, the new solution to drinking!
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