Jakeysnakey

Hi everyone,

So as I mentioned in my previous post, I am not sure if I can call myself alcoholic but I currently have a desire to stop drinking now that I can see what it is 'doing' to me.

I have a date tomorrow night and I am scared he is going to ask me to go for 'drinks'. This is a person I have only met once so i really have nothing to lose, but what do i do? Do I say 'sure, but fyi I don't drink alcohol?' Everything in our society is so wrapped around drinking that I can't seem to escape it.

Do I not say anything and just order a non alcoholic drink? He is going to think I'm a bore!

What do you guys do?

ZiggyB

I am facing the same dilemma right now as I just broke up with someone and now I'm starting to think about dating again. If he asks you out for drinks would you feel comfortable just saying you're taking a break from drinking and maybe you could do something else?

If someone thinks you're boring because you don't drink, that isn't someone you want to be with long term anyway, IMO...

Dee74

Hi Jakey...welcome

It's probably not the answer you wanted to hear but I didn't date for a while...

Not only did I want to focus on my recovery first, but I wasn't even sure who sober me was...I wanted to know who that was before I inflicted myself on other people.

I read your other thread...you said you don't drink often but when you do you drink a lot?

I'd be avoiding alcohol on dates.

Anyone who finds you boring because you don;t drink probably isn't the best match for you anyway

D

tomsteve

is there anything wrong with putting you first and saying,"i dont drink alcohol and dont like the bar scene, but i'll go for drinks somewhere other than a bar or your place."

IndaMiricale

Like Dee I also didnt date, because I really did not know who I am sober. And months later I got caught up going out with someone she was not in the program or had a problem, so my old habits came right back. I didnt tell her about me and started missing meetings next thing I knew I had a couple drinks with her, and then blam I happened all over in days. I was just like I never quit.

Best of luck on this one to you.

blueshades

I am also concerned about this. Having waged a successful battle against excess weight and smoking in the last couple of years I feel good about my chances to lick this habit. BUT, I work around a lot of drinkers, who also spend a lot of time with one another outside the workplace.

How can I learn to stay true to my goal of quitting the drink while not isolating myself from others? I am hesitant to tell most of these people about my decision not to drink as I don't trust them not to use that information maliciously... is the answer to not worry about hanging out with people when they have hurt me before?

Dee74

Try and think about sobriety like a muscle...you need to lift little weights before you get to lift the big ones...

There will be a day when you can go anywhere and do anything - it will be immaterial to you whether others are drinking or not...but it'll take a little time and effort to work up to that.

I recommend not lifting too heavy a weight too soon

D

tomsteve

[QUOTE=Jakeysnakey;3506640] Everything in our society is so wrapped around drinking that I can't seem to escape it.

actually, it isnt really that way. i did feel that way early on in recovery, but then realized my perception had to do with who i hung with and where i hung out. when i changed wet faces and wet places, i started seeing there were quite a few people out there having a riot without alcohol.
case in point:
went out on my friends pontoon sunday. on a lake i used to live on. theres a sandbar and people park there and swim, just like i used to do. prolly 10 other boats there. yup, there was alcohol on a few of em, but the majority werent drinking and they were having a great time.
all it took was for me to seek where there wasnt alcohol and fun and i found.

nonblondechef

In my 12 year drinking career, every single date or outing I went on involved alcohol and me drinking to excess and beyond - it loosened me up and made me relaxed and witty. Every guy I went out with quickly discerned I was a drunk. The next day, sick and ashamed. Even in a group of friends, like going on a float trip, I was the drunk. I fell in the water. I was the crying mess at the end of the day. Now, when asked if I would like a drink, I order Soda and lime. I don't have to explain myself to anyone, ever. I rather enjoy remembering what I had for dinner (actually eating it not saving room for more booze or killing my buzz) and I actually am witty and clever. Best of all, I am sober, for me, and it's a very, very cool thing. You can do it, too, once you've built up your non-drinking muscles.

PaperDolls

I wholeheartedly agree with what Dee has to say about this.


When someone says "Hey, we should get together for a drink!" Which happens more often than I ever remember in the past ..... I just say "How about coffee?. I've never had anyone turn me down. If they asked me why, I'd just say I don't drink. Period. I don't need to explain myself.

MrsKing

Most of my social life before I quit alcohol revolved around drinking. This was true for all things - family gatherings, catching up with friends, going on dates. When I stopped, I didn't really know how I was going to have a social life because everything seemed to revolve around alcohol. What I've learned in my sober (almost) 4 months is that nobody really cares whether you drink or not... and those who do, really aren't worth being around and probably have a problem themselves. After I'd been sober for a month I felt much stronger in my sobriety and let everyone know that I was no longer drinking and I never would again. The first month was difficult in that respect, because I was worried about what people would think and just shrugged them off when alcohol was offered, and mostly avoided those situations together. Mostly everyone has been positive about me quitting. I have had the odd "that's so boring" comment, but I really don't care what people think... if they believe that you have to drink and get wasted to live a fulfilled life, more fool them - my life is FAR from boring now that I'm sober. In my mind, my life was the most boring existence possible whilst I was drinking.

What I'm trying to say is that I think honesty is best. Be upfront and tell the guy that you don't drink, and if that's an issue to him... so be it. You are better off without him. If you're honest with him, from his response you'll be able to tell whether there's a future there for you, and if not, then you know you've done the right thing for yourself. Your sobriety is more important than a first date.

That said, I hope you have a great time!

Jakeysnakey

Just wanted to post an update to this: we went to a lounge/bar and I ordered sparkling water and cranberry. My date didn't ask why or anything. It went fine. My anxiety level was pretty high and I noticed I ws pretty fidgety and picking at my nails and stuff but I made it through. Not interested in the guy, but at least I was sober enough to be sure of it!

Thanks for your advice!

IndaMiricale

Good for you for going Keep working on you and the rest will all come together.

NoFireWater

Sounds like it was a good "test" date. Too bad he didn't really interest you, but at least you know you can get through a date sober, and make real judgements on whether you like him without a alcohol haze surrounding the experience.

I think the only guys that will care are ones that have their own issues. Look on the bright side, you're a cheap date, and can be a DD if necessary (not that you want to play that role all the time either).