Weasel1966

I got home yesterday and all the way home I told myself how bad I was. How hopeless. How I did nothing with my life. I could not accept any of that. Lol I am an ass. I already did accept it. I drank and used. I called in sick to work again. I hope I still have a job. Why do you care If I don't?
I am soooo angrysadpissedoffhurtwftwhydidigiveup?
How come we do this? Why?

soberbrooke

We do it because we have the addict/alcoholic gene. It is inevitable for us. Get to an NA or AA meeting, it is the ONLY thing that helped me. I can't drink like other people, I have an allergy to alcohol, it makes my life unmanageable.

Dee74

I don't know why Ken.

I'm interested to know what you're going to do to change this cycle tho - that's a way better place to put your energy right now I think

I struggled for years until I realised I needed to do something different....I needed to make different choices and make some definitive changes to my life.

If what you're doing isn't working for you, pick yourself up and hit the ground running - you need to keep looking for solutions, keep looking for stuff to add....leave absolutely no stone unturned.

I know you can do this.

D

Weasel1966

Why does AA plan on me drinking again?

I mean I like the mentality. I get to do what I want and absolve myself the next day.

But today.. Tomorrow... And the next... There is no forgiveness. Death knows no friends.

I hurt a lot right now. Why? Because I missed a meeting? Did not call someone?

I hurt because I wanted to hurt. It makes me feel better.

Weasel1966

Dee. You struggled for years. I believe you that you did. Who will still want to hear me I a years time.

No one.









I will try

Dee74

Self pity might be comforting now but it's not really going to get you anywhere Ken.

You deserve sobriety as much as anyone else here. Anything else is your addiction talking

I get it. I was comfortable in misery too. It was all I knew - it was familiar to me.

This isn't about recovery methods. It;s more fundamental than that I think.

There comes a time when you need to decide Ken - get down to the nitty gritty...

its embrace change and the unlimited promise it offers, however scary that change may be....or reject it and stick with the status quo with all the misery tragedy and catastrophe that will entail...with the promise it will get worse.

It's not much of a choice really. Either way is difficult but there's really only one way out of a hole...up....

Make the wise choice, Ken.
You're not alone

D

Weasel1966

Dee... Why is it like this?

I got so good at going down the hole. Now I need to go up?

Everyone here seems to be getting it and I don't.

I want to die right now. But... But... But....

Why do drunks go to the edge and try to back peddle?

Tie the rope but to loose to do harm?

Dee74

Time for bed for me Ken...I dunno - maybe you could use a rest too?

These questions will still be here later...but it's today that's important....try to remember that.

I'm glad you're still here and trying, man - that's over half the battle

D

Weasel1966

I am sorry. I need to sleep for a while. Maybe I will feel better.

My boss Is getting to work now. He has to see my empty desk. My email. Hmmmmm. I am damn good at what I do. Damn good. Maybe that will save me.

Weasel1966

In march I never would have not thought that drinking was bad. I would have woke up and said just another day. Is that progress?

aasharon90

A program of recovery. Any program of recovery
can alieviate the despair of hopelessness. Failure
to control our drinking.

I was told in rehab that if I went home after 2 weeks
there that I would surely drink again. Emmediately I
agreed. So staying a full 28 day inpatiant rehab with
a 6 week outpatiant aftercare program would help me
learn more about my alcoholism and why I can no
longer drink sucessfully.

I was sitting outside moments ago refecting on my
determination to stay sober 21 yrs. ago and prove
to all those who doubted me, to return here to SR
and click on your topic. Low and behold i was surprised
to see that it was exactly what was going thru my mind.

I wanted to stay sober more so than wanting to drink
21 yrs ago in rehab. I made a choice and a decision to
myself to do whatever I needed to do at that time in my
life so I wouldnt be sent away to a halfway house away
from my family. The responsibility I had as a mom and
wife was important to me and I wasnt gonna give in to
my weaknessess and failures due to drinking.

Today, some 21yrs of many one days at a time added
to get me to where I am today, I continue on my recovery
journey still vowing to prove I can stay sober as long as
I incorperate the tools and knowledge of my alcoholism,
passing on my own ESH to others still struggling with
addiction. It's all about my responsibility to do so and
give back to so many who helped me thru the yrs to
stay sober by them freely passing on their knowledge
of hope and wisdom to me.

I cant keep the gifts and rewards of happiness, honesty,
and freedom that come with living a recovery life if I
dont give it away.

And in doing so, I am truely and gratefully blessed.

freshstart57

Time to try something new, time to add another tool. Self loathing and despair are self fulfilling. I hear how you are feeling, that you have decided you have a need to feel like this.

You have a story, Ken, one that has been written for 44 years. It has been carefully composed, edited and proofread. The theme is hopelessness and tragedy, major character is an unlikable failure of a screw-up. The setting is a struggle with addiction. The author is you.

What if your story is something that you have instead of something that you are? What if there is something more to you than that? What could happen next?

Weasel1966

I do only see myself as a hurt person. Someone who does not have anything. That's my identity.

Jeni26

I was so sorry to read your post Ken. We are all here to support you and will never give up on you.
The only person who can change this is you. You have to really believe that. It doesn't matter what recovery method you use at the end of the day, they all require the person following them to want, above everything else, to change their whole life. Not just quit-change routines, patterns, lifestyles, ways of thinking, ways of dealing with life's sh1t.
We are all following different paths here but hopefully they will all lead us to that ultimate goal of living full productive lives free of that shackle of alcoholism that holds us back.
Every one of us is worth that. Everyone has the ability to achieve it. We all need to learn to really believe that and stop that self sabotage that comes so instinctively to us.
I BELIEVE IN YOU xxxx

Weasel1966

I need to try.... I am more than I think I am... But I have no one around me. The only... The only thing I ever wanted in life was a warm family. How do I put that to rest? I am killing myself over it. Why?

hypochondriac

Maybe that will save you Ken. For me the final thing which spurred me on to quit and stay that way was fear of losing my job. It is literally all I have and I would be lost without it, I'm not bad at it either

There was a lot which I didn't mind losing but there has to be a cut off point somewhere. What are you prepared to lose before you really throw yourself into recovery and do whatever it takes?

This is hard but that's part of the reason why sobriety feels so bloody wonderful. Anything worth having takes a lot of work.

What is your support right now? Have you got a counsellor?

Hugs xxx

Weasel1966

Jeni... I am just coming to grips with so many things. I stuffed everything down. Never said a word... No one would guess even for a second that I Wes not the bright... Fun... Successful. Person. When it all comes home to roost... Well... That's why I am here.

All I ever wanted was a family that I could love... Be with... That wanted me. I have nothing.

My fault? Not sure yet. Anyone's fault. No.

But when you do not have the basics met them how do you stop drinking?

Can i be alone in this? Is there anyone who drinks that does not want more for themselves? How do we say no more?

LDT

I get the "warm family" thing, Ken. I really do. It's all I ever wanted....begged for....almost killed myself over. Looking back now, it didn't even have to be that "warm" of a family, really... I would have settled for a close 2nd to "normal". Well, that didn't happen, so I created my own family....one that is my heart's desire. And you can do that as well, my friend.....in whatever way, shape or form that is.

It's so not worth killing yourself over. Don't give them that power.

jstar

Weasel...the pain in your words is so familiar. I totally understand that feeling of hopelessness. I don't however think all is lost...some great advice in the above posts that I will also draw from for strength.

I don't know "why" we choose to torture ourselves. Maybe try just going an hour or two without drinking. When that time is up, try an hour or two more? Looking too far into the future for me just made it seem impossible.

I hope you keep posting here, you do deserve to have a wonderful sober life

Weasel1966

When I was a young boy... I remember walking with my mom. She held my hand and looked at me. She said Kenneth ... No one called me kenneth but her.

Kenneth... The only thing I hope and want for you is to be happy.

Really? What mother says that to their child?

I don't want to let her down.