Weasel1966

At work super early before my boss. I am soo nervous. Oh well. It's my fault.

Dee74

I hope it's a good day Ken

D

Weasel1966

Dee.... It's up to me to have a good day... Not my bosses.

Thanks for the support.

I do a good job when I am hear and coherent. Not sure I am either at the moment.

stugotz

Finally! No one can make you feel like anything. Its all an inside job. Just sayin...

Weasel1966

Robby.... You hit the nail. I think if I drink enough I won't exist. That may be a true statement in reality but it was the figurative that I saw it.

All my life I felt invisible. Like no one could see me. Maybe that comes from needing to hide when I was a kid to not get hurt. Whatever it comes from its time to change that.

This formula is not working for me anymore.

I will not lay down and die.

Even in the midst of my haze this morning I so badly want more for myself. It not a question of ifs. It must not even be a question I pose to myself. It simply must be. Now.

My boss is not here yet. I think I can lie my way out of this. But my character is not one that is capable of much lying. That's not who I am. But the truth sucks.

freshstart57

Sounded like an emergency that needed your attention right away, some urgent family issue. It has been taken care of now. (It has been taken care of, right?) Apology, understand impact, won't/can't happen again, good to go, thank you, what did I miss?

Weasel1966

Well I managed to not get fired. He has not talked to me yet but the fact I am still here is good.

I just hate when I fail to live up to myself.

Weasel1966

Well I managed to not get fired.*
This is a huge wake up call for me. I never want to lose my job. It's the only identity I have. I do not have a college education. I worked hard and long to get to the level I am at. He said that I do a really good job but that the number of days is starting to add up. I missed 7 days this year already. All were due to my abuses.
I called my therapist to make an appointment before my regular one next Thursday. I sound like a friggin nut. I need to accept that I am having a very bad go of things. this spiral has to stop. How did this get so out of control. It has been a long time coming. Put anything under the pressure I put myself through and something has to give. I see this as a moment for me. I hate to sound trit and that this is it. My bottom. Good thing I bounce.*

Jeni26

Glad you still have your job and you are thinking clearly now.
This can be a new start for you, take it x

Weasel1966

Jeni.... I will not keep squandering my opportunities.

RobbyRobot

Funny enough, all my drunken life, I wished to be invisible, and certainly the booze and drugs kept the real me invisible, while more and more, the addict alcoholic was what others saw. Eventually, all to soon, even I became hidden from myself, and from there on I was just like a nothing, like I didn't even exist. Not good, as you know. We all know it.

I'm glad to hear you're not gonna lay down and die...

Ken, even after 30 years of sans-alcohol, I can still understand why I was a drunk, you know? Being drunk really did give me my wishes fulfilled, but the cost is the thing I didn't count on, you know? My cost, my friends and family, my schooling, my jobs and career...

I drank not just because of my addiction. I also drank and drugged because I wanted the answers I found in my drunkeness. How sad that I duped myself into wanting so little out of myself in my using years. It all seemed so necessary back in the days... in hindsight, I was simply running on empty, and going nowhere, which is why I could do it on empty, yeah?

Yeah.

Don't lay down and die, Ken.

I found out in my friggin detox, that asking different questions gave me better answers then I already had, and so I saw some real wisdom in not chasing my tail. I so hated what I so desperately needed: a simple happy life without being drunk. Friends. Family. Job. Relationship. Fortune.

I had alot of hatred against myself, projected out onto anything that moved. Life sucked because I sucked. Again in hindsight, my drunks allowed me to be a coward in my own eyes, and this made my drinking all the more appealing. Shame heaped on shame helped me to be successful at being a drunken failure.

I feel for you, Ken. I'm glad I didn't kill myself off. What an understatement. Seems so obvious now, but we both know at the time, back in the day, all I really knew was how to die drunk.

Get it done, Ken. Nothing to do now except get sober for good and all. I did it, and I was truly hating the fairy-tale sober promised life. My hating being drunk even more was the only thing that saved my sorry ass.

Neither one of us is invisble anymore. None of us has to be anymore. Do the next right thing. Do it again. You're in my thoughts, Ken.

Weasel1966

Thanks Robby!

I am just now realizing what I did the last two days. I am still coming down from it all. I am having terrible terrible panic attacks. So much so that I cannot even walk away from my desk. Sounds stupid but I caused this.

Jeni26

Close your eyes. Breathe deeply. This will pass.
Remember you are safe. We are here for you.
Ken, how about stopping by at an AA meeting on your way home? Can't hurt, and it might just help.
I'm the expert on anxiety. They help me xxx

RobbyRobot

Yeah, don't get me started with panic attacks! I would get such panic rushes I could not get my head outta my school locker some days when going to college. I just couldn't make it to class even though I was in the friggin' school already! Panic attacks... way surreal... I remember.

You got the all the Right Stuff to face what you're going thru today, Ken.

Good man. Awesome.

Dominica2

Ken, I am so sorry you are feeling down. I know you will pick yourself back up though because you are a strong person! Never forget that!

Dom

Weasel1966

Thank you.... My hands are shaking and when I go to try and walk I get paranoid. It's all sooo stupid.

I am trying to remain calm. It's not easy. I have never had this this bad before. They will pass.

I am staying on SR all day so I can remind myself of what needs to get done.

I never want to post like this again.

mecanix

All things come to pass so shall this ,
Remember how it felt on the 27th of july 2012 and how never drinking or drugging again seems like such a glorious dream .

Live that dream , however good or bad it gets in the future we can all stand steadfast against it and will never give in, whatever it takes to stay sober is what i do . I never want to return to that nightmare and if living in a locked cuboard, a monks cell, moving to tibet, ditching the job, family, lovers, friends and being unemployed to work on myself, reading every self-help book in existance or 900 aa meeting in 90 days is what it takes, it's what i will do .

There are so many good things to be greatful for when you get sober, i realy want you and others who carry our gift/burden to come join me in enjoying and savouring every moment , the ups' the downs', wins and losses .

Drinking and drugs takes this all away from me, it kills me and my hope, like the walking dead.

Stay strong, M