Why?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,237
My son's name is Kenneth but called him
Kenny until he went to high school
and college and wanted to be called Ken.
Ive always known that the Man upstairs has
my life already planned out for me from the
day I was born. As I continue to travel on my
recovery journey, i can reflect back and see my
life unfolding. It may not have been exactly as
I had wanted, but were meant to be.
Today, i no longer wish for things nor want because
whatever im meant to have will be provided to me
as seen fit. Meaning.....depending on how I live my
life in recovery.
Those promises that are written in the Big Book of AA
will come true and be given as seen fit. They will as I
give you my honest word, because they have slowly but
surely for me.
Listening to the Hope of many who have stayed sober
before you to guide you along in your quest for happiness
because you deserve it.
Kenny until he went to high school
and college and wanted to be called Ken.
Ive always known that the Man upstairs has
my life already planned out for me from the
day I was born. As I continue to travel on my
recovery journey, i can reflect back and see my
life unfolding. It may not have been exactly as
I had wanted, but were meant to be.
Today, i no longer wish for things nor want because
whatever im meant to have will be provided to me
as seen fit. Meaning.....depending on how I live my
life in recovery.
Those promises that are written in the Big Book of AA
will come true and be given as seen fit. They will as I
give you my honest word, because they have slowly but
surely for me.
Listening to the Hope of many who have stayed sober
before you to guide you along in your quest for happiness
because you deserve it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Ken, I hear you. All I ever wanted as a child was to feel safe. Instead I grew up with an alcholic physically and emitionally cruel Father, a co-dependant Mother, and a neighbour drinking buddy of my Dad's who repeatedly sexually assaulted me in my own bed whenever he felt like it while my parents drank downstairs. What followed was many many years of drinking to forget.
I've created my own family but very nearly lost it all through becoming an alcoholic myself. Emotionally distant. Numb. Not being available in any real sense for my husband or children.
A lifetime of anxiety and depression.
I am not prepared to live this life any more.
I am going to do whatever it takes to change.
Let's do it Ken. We're worth it xxx
I've created my own family but very nearly lost it all through becoming an alcoholic myself. Emotionally distant. Numb. Not being available in any real sense for my husband or children.
A lifetime of anxiety and depression.
I am not prepared to live this life any more.
I am going to do whatever it takes to change.
Let's do it Ken. We're worth it xxx
I looked like that holdin beer
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 627
I hate that feeling of wondering if I still have a job. I am going to ad that to my long ass list of reasons not to drink. LOL, my list is getting so long that it is turning into a book.
My family sucks too, I pretty much wrote them off a while ago, but I have a BF now that is really sweet.
My family sucks too, I pretty much wrote them off a while ago, but I have a BF now that is really sweet.
A simple guy making his way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
I would rather have a book of reasons not to drink than a short list of reasons to drink.
You are my family.
just a short time ago I would never have considered telling anyone about my drinking... and here I am.
my therapist texted me and asked if I was coming... I was not in his book. I said no. I just cannot speak anymore today.
gonna take a rest. I need it.
thank you for all you do for me. Its soooo much more than you know.
You are my family.
just a short time ago I would never have considered telling anyone about my drinking... and here I am.
my therapist texted me and asked if I was coming... I was not in his book. I said no. I just cannot speak anymore today.
gonna take a rest. I need it.
thank you for all you do for me. Its soooo much more than you know.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,237
Jeni26....my daughters name is Jennifer but
also call her Jenny or Jen. Like Ken, yes you
are worth it and deserve the chance to live
a healthy happy life. Each day sober or clean
is a gift and what an awesome gift in recovery
it is.
Be kind and gentle to yourself because, you as
well deserve it.
also call her Jenny or Jen.
Like Ken, yes youare worth it and deserve the chance to live
a healthy happy life. Each day sober or clean
is a gift and what an awesome gift in recovery
it is.
Be kind and gentle to yourself because, you as
well deserve it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 1,022
I only know you from your posts, Weasel, but I get the impression (and if wrong I apologize, but speculation and conjecture is only human, you'll have to excuse my presumption) you have a lot of negative self-worth issues and that kind of thinking makes staying sober--which alone is not the easiest thing in the world for alcoholics--much more difficult.
As an example, it was no coincidence that I developed a drinking problem. When booze really got its hooks into me I had a lot of self disappointment and a real fatalist attitude; this is fallow ground for alcoholism to take root. At that point becoming a drunk felt natural, it "fit." Booze plugged a lot of holes for a long time.
Getting sober was hard, because of the fear and uncertainty and the willpower needed to change the path of a life that had gained over a decade of inertia in one direction. But staying sober is an entirely different challenge, and probably more difficult. It's certainly more complicated.
I think a big part of learning to stay sober, whether through AA or AVRT or therapy or just "pulling youself up by your bootstraps," is making changes in who you are. Eventually you have to learn to forgive yourself for having been a drunken idiot who breaks things, and learn to love/like/appreciate/admire yourself for who you have become. Staying sober when you don't give a $#$% about yourself isn't sustainable.
For most of us this means starting to do things we probably weren't doing when we were busy being drunks. Noble things, like helping others, through service, or volunteer work, or helping ourselves through self-improvement, or being there for family and friends. This leads to a positive outlook, maybe even some spiritual growth, and eventually you're letting go of what has gone before and instead focusing on how awesomely things are going without the albatross of alcohol hanging from your neck.
And then positive self-worth ends up being tied to your sobriety. You start filling in the blanks in sentences like "I am a good person because I __________. I can do ________ because I got sober." It becomes easier to stay sober because being sober is part of doing good things, and you are a person who does good things.
Or at least that's how I think it goes. Still testing this theory out in practice.
As an example, it was no coincidence that I developed a drinking problem. When booze really got its hooks into me I had a lot of self disappointment and a real fatalist attitude; this is fallow ground for alcoholism to take root. At that point becoming a drunk felt natural, it "fit." Booze plugged a lot of holes for a long time.
Getting sober was hard, because of the fear and uncertainty and the willpower needed to change the path of a life that had gained over a decade of inertia in one direction. But staying sober is an entirely different challenge, and probably more difficult. It's certainly more complicated.
I think a big part of learning to stay sober, whether through AA or AVRT or therapy or just "pulling youself up by your bootstraps," is making changes in who you are. Eventually you have to learn to forgive yourself for having been a drunken idiot who breaks things, and learn to love/like/appreciate/admire yourself for who you have become. Staying sober when you don't give a $#$% about yourself isn't sustainable.
For most of us this means starting to do things we probably weren't doing when we were busy being drunks. Noble things, like helping others, through service, or volunteer work, or helping ourselves through self-improvement, or being there for family and friends. This leads to a positive outlook, maybe even some spiritual growth, and eventually you're letting go of what has gone before and instead focusing on how awesomely things are going without the albatross of alcohol hanging from your neck.
And then positive self-worth ends up being tied to your sobriety. You start filling in the blanks in sentences like "I am a good person because I __________. I can do ________ because I got sober." It becomes easier to stay sober because being sober is part of doing good things, and you are a person who does good things.
Or at least that's how I think it goes. Still testing this theory out in practice.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by Weasel1966 
I do only see myself as a hurt person. Someone who does not have anything. That's my identity.
In hindsight, I've learned I was conditionally restricting my awareness to seeing myself only thru a fabricated subjective emotional lense, without responsibility to my whole self. I was certainly feeling justified, even while I had to dumb myself down and ignore obvious red flags. Denial and misery became my go-to places to beat me down some more so as to keep my justifications in play.
I suppose I've suffered enough hurt to kill me, and that was my plan in the last year of my drinking. I was done with living, and dying seemed obvious and in my face, so why fight it... the fighting became more hurtful then just accepting the inevitable.
Dying is what it is, whatever it is, and we all die someday. Seeking my drunken death helped me understand that only because I was drunk did I seek my ending. Between drunks I felt otherwise, felt I wanted to live, felt I wanted to live free from my drunkeness.
Simply enough, knowing I was going to die drunk if only because I hadn't already stopped drinking, really bothered me... because dying drunk meant I had no say in my life or my death... like I never even happened... like all the hurt would come to meaning nothing... and less than nothing.
This epiphany of my understanding my drinking drunkard deathwish was coming true destroyed my last resistance to quitting getting drunk. I was beat up by my alcoholism for the last time that same day. I surrendered to losing my fight with dying drunk. It was happening. I was gonna die drunk if I kept drinking.
So I quit drinking while I was still drunk. Not because I wanted sobriety. Not because I wanted love. Not because I wanted God. Not because I wanted whatever. I quit because I didn't want to die drunk. It would have meant like I never even happened, and that was the understanding that got me quitting.
I never drank again since 1981. From that last drunk right up to today, I've just kept doing what works for me, no matter what it takes, no matter what I need to change, no matter what I think, feel, or otherwise understand -- whatever it takes, I'll never be drunk or take another drink, ever again. And as it turned out, I'm happy and successful too, lol. Who knew at the time??!! Not me.
You can do the same, Ken.
Just quit, simply because the writing is on the wall, you know? Being drunk is just another word for dying for some of us.
Hear us roar.
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 604
Weasel, it's normal to feel all these heightened emotions from everything I'm reading here. Maybe you can start by coming here and feeling less lonely, and when you're feeling stronger, you can take the new skills to real life and meet some new friends. I don't think it's ever too late to start a family. You could even volunteer for a program like Big Brothers or orphanage where children are looking for that mentor,friend, or family of their own. I'm sure you have a lot to give.
What kind of mother says that? A great one! lol Mother knows best-be happy dammit I know, easier said than done. Don't underestimate the power of sleep. Sometimes you just need to tune out and take a long healing nap!
What kind of mother says that? A great one! lol Mother knows best-be happy dammit
I know, easier said than done. Don't underestimate the power of sleep. Sometimes you just need to tune out and take a long healing nap!
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Eastern Us
Posts: 1,366
Weasel,
I don't have anything clever to say. I know how hard this is. You are a person of worth that deserves sobriety and all the wonderful things it brings. It is so painful living in active addiction. I hope you find a way to put the junk down and walk away. Life is so much better sober
I don't have anything clever to say. I know how hard this is. You are a person of worth that deserves sobriety and all the wonderful things it brings. It is so painful living in active addiction. I hope you find a way to put the junk down and walk away. Life is so much better sober
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Southeast US
Posts: 332
What a Great List This Is!
Originally Posted by freshstart57
30 Reasons to Stop Drinking
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,359
Originally Posted by mecanix
Weasel ,
I've seen and noticed you posting with generosity and compassion towards others , remember to treat yourself with as much thoughtfulness and compassion .
M
I've seen and noticed you posting with generosity and compassion towards others , remember to treat yourself with as much thoughtfulness and compassion .
M
Hope you are feeling ok today Ken.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,964
I felt the same as you did. Feelings aren't facts. Feeling useless and hopeless, well, that can change. I had to do something about it or it wouldn't change. It's a personal journey. There really IS hope. If I can stay stopped, so can you. Others have also stayed stopped. Our outlook on ourselves and on life changed.
What are you willing to do to change? I used AA. There are other alternatives, too! I care because I know how you are feeling and I know it can change. You can change. It's in you or you wouldn't be reaching out to us!
Love,
What are you willing to do to change? I used AA. There are other alternatives, too! I care because I know how you are feeling and I know it can change. You can change. It's in you or you wouldn't be reaching out to us!
Love,
A simple guy making his way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
Hey everyone. I am here. I am getting ready to face my boss. I continued to hurt myself yesterday. I went right to the bar still drunk from the day before. Still not clear headed.
Please stay with me. I do want to get better. I do have horrible self worth issues but who would not when from the age of 6 being told every fing day " you worthless piece of ****".
That's no excuse I know. I read about so many that have had worse.
Do I feel better today? I am getting there. I never before this even considered stopping drinking. No matter the cost. But since I am here I suppose I value myself a little more than yesterday.
Please stay with me. I do want to get better. I do have horrible self worth issues but who would not when from the age of 6 being told every fing day " you worthless piece of ****".
That's no excuse I know. I read about so many that have had worse.
Do I feel better today? I am getting there. I never before this even considered stopping drinking. No matter the cost. But since I am here I suppose I value myself a little more than yesterday.
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