Originally Posted by effortjoy

I was drinking a least a bottle of wine a day or half a bottle of Absolute. One day I looked in the mirror and couldn't recognize myself. Though I always ran and maintained my weight even during the worst of my drinking binges- I looked bloated, dark circles under the eyes, bloodshot eyes and my once sharp thinking abilities were definitely dulling into "brain fog." I didn't want to be this kind of mother. I didn't want to be this kind of person.

Originally Posted by effortjoy

This is my fifth day of quitting. I am living in a foreign country and cannot find a suitable AA group though I think that I need one. Are there AA groups online? I never hit 'rock bottom' so I think I am still wavering between defining myself as a person who likes to drink and an alcoholic. Here's a summary of my story:
Started drinking when I was thirteen years old but mostly only in the summers or sometimes on weekends. I was a student in an elite private school and stayed at the top of my class. I had divorced parents and an absent mother, and starting when I was sixteen I started drinking to numb the pain of being ignored. Still the drinking was somewhat under control and I was accepted to an Ivy League college where I maintained a high average while getting drunk every weekend. After college I got married and stopped drinking for a few years. But soon the stress of moving to a foreign country, having three kids under the age of three and completing my Masters at the same time became too much. I started drinking every now and then but not every day. Then my beloved grandmother passed away and I lost it. She was the only one who cared about me when I was growing up. I started drinking every day, but only when I thought it was safe. Not when I was working. Never before driving. And never before my husband was available to care for the children. I stopped when I became pregnant again four years later and I stayed sober throughout the pregnancy though I longed for a drink. Began drinking again after the baby was born but never in a way that could hurt my children. Never drank in the morning. Never when I was alone caring for my children etc. Continued to work, maintain a near spotless household, drove carpool (always sober) and drank more each day in the late afternoon. I never slurred my speech or acted crazy so I don't think my husband even knew though my drinking definitely bothered him at times. I was drinking a least a bottle of wine a day or half a bottle of Absolute. One day I looked in the mirror and couldn't recognize myself. Though I always ran and maintained my weight even during the worst of my drinking binges- I looked bloated, dark circles under the eyes, bloodshot eyes and my once sharp thinking abilities were definitely dulling into "brain fog." I didn't want to be this kind of mother. I didn't want to be this kind of person. So I stopped on my own, but I don't know if i can keep going. I'm exhausted and all the ordinary stresses of my life are still here and I can't even tell my husband because I don't want him to think that I'm an alcoholic. I can't tell anybody really, and I feel so alone and so vulnerable to starting again. The real problem is that drinking made me more patient, more fun and I was still leading a normal life on the outside. What should I do?