I'm Back.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 149
I'm Back.
Hey, i'm back. I've been on a bender since Feb. I'm on day 2 again and feeling confused, happy & anxious and all the normal feelings that alcoholics feel when we figure out what needs to be done.
My first stint here I was gung-ho about AA & SR & after a week or so of feeling awesome without drinking, I had made the decision that I was in fact NOT an alcoholic and I just got a little over indulgent. (for the past 13 years...(eye roll)) and that I proved i was not an alcoholic because I lasted a week or so without it.
I was wrong. and I knew I was wrong back in februray but didn't care and wanted to drink. I can't really remember too much of the last few months when I stopped pacing myself like in the beginning of going back, and said f*ck it and went balls to the wall and drank the way *I* wanted to drink (copious amounts of whatever). My last straw was when I woke up Tuesday morning and my husband was asking me what the hell happened in the kitchen. I apparently had raided the fridge and ate a 1/2 lb of raw ground beef (package was torn to shreds, chunks of beef everywhere) cheese on the floor, the counters everywhere, and a bite out of an onion like someone would bite an apple. I must have eaten something else, because the back of my throat is raw, sore and a tingle bloody. This is not the first, third or 50th time I've woken up to have to put the puzzle together of what happened the night before. I have two little kids sleeping downstairs. What if I tried to cook something and burned the damn house down? I don't even want to think of what could have happened when I'm blacked out and roaming the house. There has even been evidence of me trying to light candles, and the reason I know this is because in the morning there is the grill lighter, candle burnt to hell and wax all over the floor and wall where I must have dropped it.
I'm done. I'm sick of being a sh*tty mom, wife, worker and useless. I haven't cleaned my house, really cleaned it, in months. I sweep here and there (ususally a broken beer bottle or wine glass) and basic stuff, but my husband does the rest.
Well, i'm here. I'm going to start with that. I went to a meeting last night. I really really need to do this. One stupid day at a time. I can't get cocky at the end of the week and feel that I deserve to get wasted. That's a load of BS & I know it.
Sorry for the long winded post. I didn't even re-read to see if I'm making any sense. I'm aggravated, embarressed, and feeling pretty damn low.
Thanks,
My first stint here I was gung-ho about AA & SR & after a week or so of feeling awesome without drinking, I had made the decision that I was in fact NOT an alcoholic and I just got a little over indulgent. (for the past 13 years...(eye roll)) and that I proved i was not an alcoholic because I lasted a week or so without it.
I was wrong. and I knew I was wrong back in februray but didn't care and wanted to drink. I can't really remember too much of the last few months when I stopped pacing myself like in the beginning of going back, and said f*ck it and went balls to the wall and drank the way *I* wanted to drink (copious amounts of whatever). My last straw was when I woke up Tuesday morning and my husband was asking me what the hell happened in the kitchen. I apparently had raided the fridge and ate a 1/2 lb of raw ground beef (package was torn to shreds, chunks of beef everywhere) cheese on the floor, the counters everywhere, and a bite out of an onion like someone would bite an apple. I must have eaten something else, because the back of my throat is raw, sore and a tingle bloody. This is not the first, third or 50th time I've woken up to have to put the puzzle together of what happened the night before. I have two little kids sleeping downstairs. What if I tried to cook something and burned the damn house down? I don't even want to think of what could have happened when I'm blacked out and roaming the house. There has even been evidence of me trying to light candles, and the reason I know this is because in the morning there is the grill lighter, candle burnt to hell and wax all over the floor and wall where I must have dropped it.
I'm done. I'm sick of being a sh*tty mom, wife, worker and useless. I haven't cleaned my house, really cleaned it, in months. I sweep here and there (ususally a broken beer bottle or wine glass) and basic stuff, but my husband does the rest.
Well, i'm here. I'm going to start with that. I went to a meeting last night. I really really need to do this. One stupid day at a time. I can't get cocky at the end of the week and feel that I deserve to get wasted. That's a load of BS & I know it.
Sorry for the long winded post. I didn't even re-read to see if I'm making any sense. I'm aggravated, embarressed, and feeling pretty damn low.
Thanks,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Bridgeton
Posts: 718
Get to meetings and try & get into a 'new groove'...Dive right in. Seek out a sponsor you can 'gel' with & bounce things off of. It will take some work, but won't it be great to wake up & KNOW what productive things you did and can do that day rather than try to piece together the wreckage of the evening past while drinking? You deserve to do this for your self & your family...Best of luck!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 127
Hi Lindsey,
Great that you made the decision to get sober and get on to this phenomenal website/support group.
I can identify with what you wrote. I also managed to stop last year for 5 weeks, then thought I had no issues with alcohol anymore, and have been a wreck-head for the last few months especially. I have a little one (my first) coming in February, and really want to stop with the drinking and get my act together.
Today is day 1 for me, and I shall be on this website every day to keep some routine going and motivate myself with all the wonderful expressions of support people offer each other on this site.
I hope to see you on here also.
Great that you made the decision to get sober and get on to this phenomenal website/support group.
I can identify with what you wrote. I also managed to stop last year for 5 weeks, then thought I had no issues with alcohol anymore, and have been a wreck-head for the last few months especially. I have a little one (my first) coming in February, and really want to stop with the drinking and get my act together.
Today is day 1 for me, and I shall be on this website every day to keep some routine going and motivate myself with all the wonderful expressions of support people offer each other on this site.
I hope to see you on here also.
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
Originally Posted by LindseyMarie 
I'm done. I'm sick of being a sh*tty mom, wife, worker and useless.
. Anyway I haven't had a drink in almost 2 years and sobriety is all it's cracked up to be. Welcome back!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: SE Michigan
Posts: 1,066
I'm so glad you made it back, LindseyMarie. I "returned" last month after a 14-month-long bender and having made all those same, earnest promises.
I hope to see you on here often, making progress!
I hope to see you on here often, making progress!
Simply Grateful
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Milwaukee, WI
Posts: 211
Lindsey - WOW!
Thanks for sharing your story. I blackout too and wake up wondering what I did the night before. I almost did burn the house down. Put some chicken nuggets in the toaster oven about 9PM and passed out on the couch. Got up and turned off the lights and went to bed, even walked into the kitchen to lock the back door and never noticed the toaster oven was still on. About 3AM my husband gets up and the house is full of smoke (smoke alarm didn't go off tho) and the cabinets over the toaster oven were too hot to touch he said. It was a scarey thing. It took weeks for the smell in the house to go away. The next day I still had no clue until I walked into the kitchen and found the hunks of charcoal (formerly chicken) still sitting in the toaster oven. Oh boy was that an eye opener. Other times I'm wearing different pajamas or sent stupid emails I didn't remember sending. Blackouts are bad.
Anyway, I'm glad you're back, I'm glad I'm back. Hopefully no more blacking out and doing crazy stuff.
Thanks for sharing your story. I blackout too and wake up wondering what I did the night before. I almost did burn the house down. Put some chicken nuggets in the toaster oven about 9PM and passed out on the couch. Got up and turned off the lights and went to bed, even walked into the kitchen to lock the back door and never noticed the toaster oven was still on. About 3AM my husband gets up and the house is full of smoke (smoke alarm didn't go off tho) and the cabinets over the toaster oven were too hot to touch he said. It was a scarey thing. It took weeks for the smell in the house to go away. The next day I still had no clue until I walked into the kitchen and found the hunks of charcoal (formerly chicken) still sitting in the toaster oven. Oh boy was that an eye opener. Other times I'm wearing different pajamas or sent stupid emails I didn't remember sending. Blackouts are bad.
Anyway, I'm glad you're back, I'm glad I'm back. Hopefully no more blacking out and doing crazy stuff.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,308
Welcome back Lindsey,
So glad to hear you are ready to stop drinking. I have been sober for nearly 14 months with the help of AA and SR.
You can do this make this, make this the most important thing in your life.
Love
CaiHong
So glad to hear you are ready to stop drinking. I have been sober for nearly 14 months with the help of AA and SR.
You can do this make this, make this the most important thing in your life.
Love
CaiHong
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Gardner
Posts: 93
Welcome back! I can relate - except I quit for 6 months, and thought I could monitor my drinking ... I told my fiance I didn't even have a "desire" to drink like that anymore! Well - it's a slippery slope back down that hill once you've made yourself up it. Just keep telling yourself that It takes us time to be recovered, but only a second to be at the bottom again. PROTECT your sobriety time and keep building, it will get better and the next time we feel tempted, we'll have even MORE resources to turn to! 
Powerless over Alcohol
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Trudging the Road to Happy Destiny!
Posts: 4,018
Glad your here, and getting back to the meetings.
Get that sponsor work those steps, get a home group, and get active. I am cheering for ya, and I remember those "putting the puzzle" morning or afternoons in my case to well. You dont have to live that way anymore.
Get that sponsor work those steps, get a home group, and get active. I am cheering for ya, and I remember those "putting the puzzle" morning or afternoons in my case to well. You dont have to live that way anymore.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,537
Hi Lindsey! I did that many times. Once was 3 yrs. sober, only to start up again for 7 yrs. That last time I had no choice but to admit it was over - I could never trust myself to touch another drop. Unpredictable, dangerous, and scary things happened when I picked up.
Proud of you for owning up to what happened, for coming here to tell about it. You can do this Lindsey. No more feelings of dread on those miserable mornings when you have to recreate the night before. You can be free of all that, & never have to go back.
Proud of you for owning up to what happened, for coming here to tell about it. You can do this Lindsey. No more feelings of dread on those miserable mornings when you have to recreate the night before. You can be free of all that, & never have to go back.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 149
Thanks guys, I knew I came back to the right place. I have a meeting again tonight, hopefully the T-storms stay away long enough, i'm paranoid to drive in storms at night. Not to mention my head feels like its six feet off my body.
Notmyrealname, you made me laugh! That's a good perspective
Notmyrealname, you made me laugh! That's a good perspective
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