Where do I start?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Palmdale, CA
Posts: 8
Where do I start?
My father was an alcoholic and I spent my early years suffering from mental and physical abuse, but I never accepted it. I was very rebellious and had a lot of anger that I needed to work out in my young adult years. I am more surprised that I've turned out to be an alcoholic after my feelings about it when I was younger and experiencing it with my father. I’ve spent the past 12 years working hard as a high school drop out to getting a Master’s Degree in Business and working full time simultaneously up to a Director level position. I was married in 2002 and for the past 7 years, my alcoholism has progressed. Unfortunately, I do not get hangovers which has increased my tolerance and the fact that I function just fine the next day without any evidence that I’ve had too much to drink the night before. Nobody but my husband knows that I suffer from alcoholism.
My husband has been very understanding and loving. I have a had a few episodes that I wish I could take back as I love my husband more than anything and know in my heart he deserves the best of me. For years, I’ve beat myself up for failing or making promises with one drink, no two, no three, … and so on and never living up to what I would say. This is the only area of my life that I do this, so I know it's an addiction. I thought for years that I could manage alcohol, yeah right. It never worked out. I work in a public position making it even more difficult that I feel I can remain anonymous about this. It’s personal and I feel vulnerable, which is not like me. I’ve thought about AA, but I’m thinking I’d wear a wig and sunglasses to feel like I have some privacy. My husband is the only person I trust with this issue. I feel sometimes like a failure in this area. Everywhere else, I’m seen as perfect. The best at everything. But not here. And it’s my dark secret. I know that the only way to be healthy and to be the wife that I want to be to my husband is to change my drinking habits. I have faith and trust that God is working on helping to make this one of my greatest success stories. I need support, which is new to me. I've tried succeeding by myself and I'm humbled to say that I cannot do this alone.
My husband has been very understanding and loving. I have a had a few episodes that I wish I could take back as I love my husband more than anything and know in my heart he deserves the best of me. For years, I’ve beat myself up for failing or making promises with one drink, no two, no three, … and so on and never living up to what I would say. This is the only area of my life that I do this, so I know it's an addiction. I thought for years that I could manage alcohol, yeah right. It never worked out. I work in a public position making it even more difficult that I feel I can remain anonymous about this. It’s personal and I feel vulnerable, which is not like me. I’ve thought about AA, but I’m thinking I’d wear a wig and sunglasses to feel like I have some privacy. My husband is the only person I trust with this issue. I feel sometimes like a failure in this area. Everywhere else, I’m seen as perfect. The best at everything. But not here. And it’s my dark secret. I know that the only way to be healthy and to be the wife that I want to be to my husband is to change my drinking habits. I have faith and trust that God is working on helping to make this one of my greatest success stories. I need support, which is new to me. I've tried succeeding by myself and I'm humbled to say that I cannot do this alone.
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
if you want to go to AA, and it is a wonderful place full of wonderful people, then don't go in a wig and glasses. go as you are. be who you are. that's who we are. it's Alcoholics Anonymous. Anonymous. that's a very big deal to us. i've heard a member here say that he/she saw an officer in uniform at a meeting. off duty. how about that for bravery? you can do it. it takes a lot to humble yourself and walk through those doors. when i did, i was flooded with relief. i wasn't alone and i wasn't perfect and i didn't have to fight this Beast alone anymore. even rehab didn't give me that feeling and rehab was great. these forums are the same way for me. don't be afraid of who will see you. alcohol is telling you to be afraid. alcohol doesn't want you to go. put your trust in God to take you to the right place. ask God what he wants you to do. God is working in your life but you've got to listen to everything he says.
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
no problem, Functioning. shame is something that keeps lots of people away from AA. fear and a firm belief that AA was a religious organizations that was going to try to convert me or was some strange cult kept me away from years. when i went, i found out it was just a bunch of people who didn't care about anything but staying sober. i've learned a lot about fellowship through those doors. the true spirit of caring about your fellow human beings. SR has show me a lot too. i hope you find the same fellowship and support. i bet you're going to like it here. 
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 48
I'm a wife, mother and known for being a great worker, going to school full time, even got a scholarship last spring for academic excellence..... Thought I was a great drinker too, even proud sometimes of how I could hang with the big boys! So I know exactly how frustrating it is to admit defeat to something that you can buy a case of for $15. Aaaarrrgghh! But the fact that your husband supports you is so huge 
I wish I had that. Being as strong willed as you are with everything else in your life, this challenge too will become a success for you, and me too. Wishing you the best and I'm rowing in the boat next to you, along with all the other wonderful people here
I wish I had that. Being as strong willed as you are with everything else in your life, this challenge too will become a success for you, and me too. Wishing you the best and I'm rowing in the boat next to you, along with all the other wonderful people here
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Gulf Coast
Posts: 28
Functioning, welcome to SR. Your story sounds a lot like mine. Please stick around, the support you will receive here is invaluable. Even simply reading through the forums and hearing other peoples stories is a huge help, lets you know that you are truly not alone.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,366
Welcome Functioning
Some great advice here - the only thing I'd add is don't let your pride get in the way of getting better...I did that for years and I went down some very dark roads....however bad things can get now, they can get worse if we don't do something about it.
You'll find a ton of support here - great to have you join us
D
Some great advice here - the only thing I'd add is don't let your pride get in the way of getting better...I did that for years and I went down some very dark roads....however bad things can get now, they can get worse if we don't do something about it.
You'll find a ton of support here - great to have you join us
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,008
Welcome aboard!
Your story has some parallels with mine. I grew up in fear from living with an alcoholic Father. Every day was filled with uncertainty and dread of how his mood would be at any given time. I studied hard and went into education, worked my way up and am now in school management. I raised 2 lovely kids and have a good marriage. But somehow, somewhere along the line I too slipped from drinking to mask anxiety to full blown alcoholism. As it worsened I starting drinking at home so as to keep it a secret from everybody. I would regularly blackout, I couldn't remember whole weekends. My physical and mental health deteriorated and my job started suffering.
It doesn't matter how you choose to get well, people here use a variety of methods, but you owe it to yourself to do it. Alcoholism is indescriminate, it doesn't matter what job you do or how successful you are.
Keep reading and posting, and be committed to change. We are all here to support you x
Your story has some parallels with mine. I grew up in fear from living with an alcoholic Father. Every day was filled with uncertainty and dread of how his mood would be at any given time. I studied hard and went into education, worked my way up and am now in school management. I raised 2 lovely kids and have a good marriage. But somehow, somewhere along the line I too slipped from drinking to mask anxiety to full blown alcoholism. As it worsened I starting drinking at home so as to keep it a secret from everybody. I would regularly blackout, I couldn't remember whole weekends. My physical and mental health deteriorated and my job started suffering.
It doesn't matter how you choose to get well, people here use a variety of methods, but you owe it to yourself to do it. Alcoholism is indescriminate, it doesn't matter what job you do or how successful you are.
Keep reading and posting, and be committed to change. We are all here to support you x
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 754
Hi functioning! It's comforting to read success stories from people just like us. I too had an alcoholic father. I too am a typical perfectionist. My life appears "perfect" to an outsider. I too have a successful career that lands me in the local business journal on occasion. And I too have a very understanding husband. Most importantly, i too want to stop this madness. And with the support of God, the good people here, and maybe even an AA group I intend to do this. I'm on day two now. Keep posting functioning!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,466
Hi Functioning,
I am glad you found us and I know how hard it is to feel as if you've failed. But, know that you can stop drinking and be the person you want to be. Stopping drinking is the beginning and that's when the hard part starts. It takes looking at yourself in a completely honest way and making changes in your life that enable you to recover.
I am glad you found us and I know how hard it is to feel as if you've failed. But, know that you can stop drinking and be the person you want to be. Stopping drinking is the beginning and that's when the hard part starts. It takes looking at yourself in a completely honest way and making changes in your life that enable you to recover.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 8,334
Welcome Functioning,
Sharing your fears here was a big step. Perhaps if you hang out here, reading and posting, you'll get an idea of what your next step will be ( AA, counseling etc) and find the confidence to take it
Sharing your fears here was a big step. Perhaps if you hang out here, reading and posting, you'll get an idea of what your next step will be ( AA, counseling etc) and find the confidence to take it
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