One of the hardest decisions of my life
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 8,335
Humiliated,
Don't overwhelm yourself by taking on all the worries of your marriage at this point. Take care of yourself and your children today.....small, steady steps. The marriage issues will unfold in time and your sobriety will enable you to handle them well.
Don't overwhelm yourself by taking on all the worries of your marriage at this point. Take care of yourself and your children today.....small, steady steps. The marriage issues will unfold in time and your sobriety will enable you to handle them well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 48
I know I have to go slow. I regretted saying anything about counseling immediately and now wished I had not spoken so openly about being unhappy. But he knew that, I just confirmed it for him.
Was kind of a lose/lose situation for me. However, i will say that even though I have spent the morning crying and I'm not sure where things are going, I feel a sense of relief for getting it out in the open.....
Funny how that works. I have felt so guilty for so long everytime I get frustrated with his actions, because we have a wonderful house, 2 kids, great jobs, he loves me and well he never gets mad at me and I'm not perfect, heck I go out and get drunk and party and he's okay with that, so who am I to get mad at him, he accepts me for who I am (that was my old way of thinking)
I was thinking about how he has "accepted" me being a "party girl" for so long.... and it seems like he maybe is afraid that if I fix myself, he will have to work on himself too?
I have to get ready for work now, wake up the kids and all that good stuff
Hopefully tonight will be less uncomfortable. Good news is I know I won't wake up with a hangover! Happy Friday Everyone!
Was kind of a lose/lose situation for me. However, i will say that even though I have spent the morning crying and I'm not sure where things are going, I feel a sense of relief for getting it out in the open.....
Funny how that works. I have felt so guilty for so long everytime I get frustrated with his actions, because we have a wonderful house, 2 kids, great jobs, he loves me and well he never gets mad at me and I'm not perfect, heck I go out and get drunk and party and he's okay with that, so who am I to get mad at him, he accepts me for who I am (that was my old way of thinking)
I was thinking about how he has "accepted" me being a "party girl" for so long.... and it seems like he maybe is afraid that if I fix myself, he will have to work on himself too?
I have to get ready for work now, wake up the kids and all that good stuff
Hopefully tonight will be less uncomfortable. Good news is I know I won't wake up with a hangover! Happy Friday Everyone!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 117
I am so happy you are here and I know you can do it.
I have been married for 26 years and have been abusing alcohol for almost 20 of them. My relationship with DH has had its ups and downs and sometimes the downs have been real, real low. I am sorry your hubby is not supportive. It is difficult so when the person you are supposed to feel like you should share everything with is not someone you can trust with something so important to you--I am living that too. I have not made my DH aware of my decision yet, and I'm not sure yet when I will.
Just hang in there with us. I totally agree with Pondlady. I think kicking the alcohol is going to be hard enough without dealing head on with long-standing marital issues at the same time. Alcohol and its effects have most likely clouded and blurred things for a long time. Perhaps the clarity that comes from sobriety will help you to see everything in a new light. I wish you peace, light and joy on this wonderful journey!
I have been married for 26 years and have been abusing alcohol for almost 20 of them. My relationship with DH has had its ups and downs and sometimes the downs have been real, real low. I am sorry your hubby is not supportive. It is difficult so when the person you are supposed to feel like you should share everything with is not someone you can trust with something so important to you--I am living that too. I have not made my DH aware of my decision yet, and I'm not sure yet when I will.
Just hang in there with us. I totally agree with Pondlady. I think kicking the alcohol is going to be hard enough without dealing head on with long-standing marital issues at the same time. Alcohol and its effects have most likely clouded and blurred things for a long time. Perhaps the clarity that comes from sobriety will help you to see everything in a new light. I wish you peace, light and joy on this wonderful journey!
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Humiliated, welcome to the family!
SO many thoughts and emotions and memories come rushing up as I read your posts.
Booze/drugs so often are like a third party in a relationship or marriage. The silent partner that one or both are entangled with. Sometimes it's what holds the human partners together, sometimes it is what drives them apart.
Today, this may seem like the hardest decision you ever made, but in time I believe you will see it as one of the best decisions you've ever made. Living free of alcohol will open you and your kids up to a huge life otherwise closed to you, and offers your husband amazing opportunities as well, it's up to him.
Getting clean and living clean is like living with handcuffs off. Whew!
At first recovery is about NOT using/drinking. It's about learning how to do everything sober. It's about finding out we can have fun, friendships, and feelings without being high or drunk. And that takes some work and effort, but then recovery grows into a bigger wider life. When we truly are living a life FREE. When it's not a tug of war with our old addiction. When using isn't the first thing on our minds and NOT using isn't either! We become free to live a life that no longer is chained to booze or drugs either as a user or someone struggling to not use. True freedom!
When either substance abuse or NOT using substance is still a big issue in a relationship I think it's a sign that substance has become the "third partner".
Many relationships it doesn't much matter one way or the other if one or both have a drink. But when it IS an issue, there are usually other things to ferret out. Like when congress tacks something they are trying to "push through" onto the tail of another bill...I think that happens in relationships. People begin to "tack on" things to the substance issue. It becomes the scape goat, whipping boy all in one. So removing it can expose a whole lot of ugly in a relationship.
I once heard a talk where the speaker pointed out that some couples use their pets to "talk" to one another, especially about controversial issues. example...
"The dog hates when you do that."
"Do what?"
"Clear your throat like that, everytime you do it he cringes."
Or
"Fluffy thinks you should go for a walk."
"Oh she does, does she?"
"Yes, she's worried about your heart, she's noticed your getting fat."
"I don't know if we should go on vacation this year, Max didn't like when your brother house sat last year..."
I laughed at that talk, everyone in the audience laughed, but I also cringed, because replace "pet" with "addiction", and it became the story of MY life.
I thought the worst thing ever was having to confront real issues in my marriage and life. I was wrong. I thought the worst thing ever was to go through divorce. I was wrong. I thought the worst thing ever was to have to find out how to manage on my own. I was wrong.
In all my 46 yrs of life, the worst thing ever was being enslaved to my addictions that were sapping my joy and functionality in every area of my life.
I am not suggesting that your marriage will not survive or even improve, I am only sharing my own experience as that is how it panned out for me.
Then I ended up in a relationship with an active alcoholic, and learned that addiction isn't any prettier or less tragic one step removed. It still sucked. It still was the third partner. It still sapped my life.
As an active addict, I was on my way towards a tragic death, which left no hope for any future joy, time with my kids, or relationship with my husband or anyone else. That was a given.
Sober, anything is possible.
It used to be, "I can't do this without drugs, how can I do this without drugs?"
but now I see how ass backwards that was!
How could I truly accomplish anything in life wasted?
The best thing I did was to take booze and drugs out of the equation, and learn to live without them.
I spent years worrying, and then nearly killing myself worrying over how I was going to live without my ex. Then I stopped worrying about it and started doing it. Getting stronger. Now it's just a matter of living, I don't think in terms of living without him, or booze, or drugs.
I've been in recovery for over four years. It's taken time, patience, and a good bit of gritting teeth to get here. I've had a few slips and relapses, but I held only my life and recovery the way a ship's captain keeps their eye on a lighthouse in a storm.
And it's been worth it.
When I felt hopeless, I borrowed liberally from the hope shared by the people here. It truly kept me going when I was about to give up, and got me back on track when I got lost.
SO many thoughts and emotions and memories come rushing up as I read your posts.
Booze/drugs so often are like a third party in a relationship or marriage. The silent partner that one or both are entangled with. Sometimes it's what holds the human partners together, sometimes it is what drives them apart.
Today, this may seem like the hardest decision you ever made, but in time I believe you will see it as one of the best decisions you've ever made. Living free of alcohol will open you and your kids up to a huge life otherwise closed to you, and offers your husband amazing opportunities as well, it's up to him.
Getting clean and living clean is like living with handcuffs off. Whew!
At first recovery is about NOT using/drinking. It's about learning how to do everything sober. It's about finding out we can have fun, friendships, and feelings without being high or drunk. And that takes some work and effort, but then recovery grows into a bigger wider life. When we truly are living a life FREE. When it's not a tug of war with our old addiction. When using isn't the first thing on our minds and NOT using isn't either! We become free to live a life that no longer is chained to booze or drugs either as a user or someone struggling to not use. True freedom!
When either substance abuse or NOT using substance is still a big issue in a relationship I think it's a sign that substance has become the "third partner".
Many relationships it doesn't much matter one way or the other if one or both have a drink. But when it IS an issue, there are usually other things to ferret out. Like when congress tacks something they are trying to "push through" onto the tail of another bill...I think that happens in relationships. People begin to "tack on" things to the substance issue. It becomes the scape goat, whipping boy all in one. So removing it can expose a whole lot of ugly in a relationship.
I once heard a talk where the speaker pointed out that some couples use their pets to "talk" to one another, especially about controversial issues. example...
"The dog hates when you do that."
"Do what?"
"Clear your throat like that, everytime you do it he cringes."
Or
"Fluffy thinks you should go for a walk."
"Oh she does, does she?"
"Yes, she's worried about your heart, she's noticed your getting fat."
"I don't know if we should go on vacation this year, Max didn't like when your brother house sat last year..."
I laughed at that talk, everyone in the audience laughed, but I also cringed, because replace "pet" with "addiction", and it became the story of MY life.
I thought the worst thing ever was having to confront real issues in my marriage and life. I was wrong. I thought the worst thing ever was to go through divorce. I was wrong. I thought the worst thing ever was to have to find out how to manage on my own. I was wrong.
In all my 46 yrs of life, the worst thing ever was being enslaved to my addictions that were sapping my joy and functionality in every area of my life.
I am not suggesting that your marriage will not survive or even improve, I am only sharing my own experience as that is how it panned out for me.
Then I ended up in a relationship with an active alcoholic, and learned that addiction isn't any prettier or less tragic one step removed. It still sucked. It still was the third partner. It still sapped my life.
As an active addict, I was on my way towards a tragic death, which left no hope for any future joy, time with my kids, or relationship with my husband or anyone else. That was a given.
Sober, anything is possible.
It used to be, "I can't do this without drugs, how can I do this without drugs?"
but now I see how ass backwards that was!
How could I truly accomplish anything in life wasted?
The best thing I did was to take booze and drugs out of the equation, and learn to live without them.
I spent years worrying, and then nearly killing myself worrying over how I was going to live without my ex. Then I stopped worrying about it and started doing it. Getting stronger. Now it's just a matter of living, I don't think in terms of living without him, or booze, or drugs.
I've been in recovery for over four years. It's taken time, patience, and a good bit of gritting teeth to get here. I've had a few slips and relapses, but I held only my life and recovery the way a ship's captain keeps their eye on a lighthouse in a storm.
And it's been worth it.
When I felt hopeless, I borrowed liberally from the hope shared by the people here. It truly kept me going when I was about to give up, and got me back on track when I got lost.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 48
Update
Just wanted to give a quick update. I haven't drank and I am physically feeling great! It was nice to go to work on Monday not feeling tired from a weekend of drinking One of my coworkers told me about her weekend and how she drank pretty much from Friday night all the way through Sunday at different social gatherings.... actually sounded really gross to me. She was still hung over on Monday. Made me feel that much better about not drinking!
Things with my husband haven't really improved, I wouldn't say they have gotten worse either. I figure I will get some sober time under my belt and then try to address things more.
I do find myself thinking "I wonder if someday I could be a normal drinker", but I know that is just my mind playing tricks on me. I have a pretty solid track record of not being able to.. My brother is coming to visit in a couple weeks and I told him I was taking a break from drinking, he is a big drinker, he said I better be ready to drink when he comes out... I very nicely told him he should support my decision. I will talk to him more about it before he gets here. I told him I will be DD and babysit him and his friends.
One of my coworkers told me about her weekend and how she drank pretty much from Friday night all the way through Sunday at different social gatherings.... actually sounded really gross to me. She was still hung over on Monday. Made me feel that much better about not drinking! Things with my husband haven't really improved, I wouldn't say they have gotten worse either. I figure I will get some sober time under my belt and then try to address things more.
I do find myself thinking "I wonder if someday I could be a normal drinker", but I know that is just my mind playing tricks on me. I have a pretty solid track record of not being able to.. My brother is coming to visit in a couple weeks and I told him I was taking a break from drinking, he is a big drinker, he said I better be ready to drink when he comes out... I very nicely told him he should support my decision. I will talk to him more about it before he gets here. I told him I will be DD and babysit him and his friends.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 48
Talked with my husband
Update- I haven't drank since I started posting here a couple weeks ago and still feeling great about that! My husband and I talked the other night about our marriage and it went soooo much better than I thought it would. Felt great to get things out that I had been holding onto.
We haven't really talked much about me not drinking, and for now I don't think we need to. Things are getting better and I know not drinking will keep things going in the right direction
We haven't really talked much about me not drinking, and for now I don't think we need to. Things are getting better and I know not drinking will keep things going in the right direction
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