Detaching from dysfunctional family
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Ottawa, Ontario
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Detaching from dysfunctional family
Detaching from dysfunctional family
I've been sober for a little over one and a half years now. After getting sober and a lot of therapy I realized that there were a lot of reasons I was drinking myself to death.
I grew up with an alcoholic father who sobered up after my mother divorced him when I was around 6 or 7. He got sober after that but was a terribly selfish and emotionally abusive person. I don't think I have met a more selfish person. My mother got remarried to another man who was also deeply flawed. My sisters, two older ones, are also very messed up. One became very promiscuous (that's the good word) in her teen years and the other was absolutely poison to me growing up. She had nothing good to say to me and went out of her way to be mean and spiteful. My mother told me many years later that she thought this was normal behaviour as her brother and her did not have a good relationship.
My mother is a cold and distant person. She taught us to bottle up our emotions and not to express any feelings that deviated from what she considered normal. She would tell us to just suck it u p. Or say, "if you have nothing good to say say anything at all." So we never talked about anything that really hurt or mattered. My mother still believes that she was a great mother and any criticism that any of our needs were not meant were (and are) dismissed harshly. I remember being called weird, an @sshole, and that I needed psychiatric help as I did not go along with the family narrative that we were a close normal family. Nothing could have been further from the truth, I see now. But you don't see that when you grow up in a dysfunctional family, you don't know any better. So I thought it was normal.
Fast-forward to now. Since getting sober and putting my life back together I have distanced myself from all of them to the point I don't talk to my mother at all. My sisters are mad at me of course and I have distanced myself even more. I still talk to my dad as he's dying of cancer very slowly. But I still have to see them (not move who I avoid and her second husband) from time to time and ti's brutal. I never feel like drinking more strongly than after spending even a few hours with these people.
One of the problems of sobering up and getting therapy and becoming functional it seems is that I have a very low tolerance for dysfunction now. It really makes me upset and throws me off all my life goals and plans. It takes me days to recover.
I'm going to keep the distance but when my dad dies it's going to be brutal. I'm somehow surprised I'm even sane sometimes. They really did a number on me growing up. I was the youngest and they just beat me down I see now.
It seems that the better I get the more nuts they get. That they seem to like seeing me all messed up and now I"m better they are so resentful. All I want to do is take care of myself and find a someone to love and raise a family. I miss having a family so much. I kept going back there looking for love and support I see now and all I got was venom. So why should I go crazy along with them if I can save the rest of my life and try to be as happy as I can?
But I have terrible guilt. I want to save them but I can't. I hurt myself for years drinking because they were so awful and I actually tore my own life up. Now I have real issues with trust. I don't trust anyone. I find it hard to make friends.
I'm working on it. My life is so much better now sober. But just when you think you have got it sorted out; hey I'm sober, hey I'm working.....you have more work to do. The fight, the work, whatever you want to call it does not seem to stop.
Sorry for the long post....Thanks for the vent...
I've been sober for a little over one and a half years now. After getting sober and a lot of therapy I realized that there were a lot of reasons I was drinking myself to death.
I grew up with an alcoholic father who sobered up after my mother divorced him when I was around 6 or 7. He got sober after that but was a terribly selfish and emotionally abusive person. I don't think I have met a more selfish person. My mother got remarried to another man who was also deeply flawed. My sisters, two older ones, are also very messed up. One became very promiscuous (that's the good word) in her teen years and the other was absolutely poison to me growing up. She had nothing good to say to me and went out of her way to be mean and spiteful. My mother told me many years later that she thought this was normal behaviour as her brother and her did not have a good relationship.
My mother is a cold and distant person. She taught us to bottle up our emotions and not to express any feelings that deviated from what she considered normal. She would tell us to just suck it u p. Or say, "if you have nothing good to say say anything at all." So we never talked about anything that really hurt or mattered. My mother still believes that she was a great mother and any criticism that any of our needs were not meant were (and are) dismissed harshly. I remember being called weird, an @sshole, and that I needed psychiatric help as I did not go along with the family narrative that we were a close normal family. Nothing could have been further from the truth, I see now. But you don't see that when you grow up in a dysfunctional family, you don't know any better. So I thought it was normal.
Fast-forward to now. Since getting sober and putting my life back together I have distanced myself from all of them to the point I don't talk to my mother at all. My sisters are mad at me of course and I have distanced myself even more. I still talk to my dad as he's dying of cancer very slowly. But I still have to see them (not move who I avoid and her second husband) from time to time and ti's brutal. I never feel like drinking more strongly than after spending even a few hours with these people.
One of the problems of sobering up and getting therapy and becoming functional it seems is that I have a very low tolerance for dysfunction now. It really makes me upset and throws me off all my life goals and plans. It takes me days to recover.
I'm going to keep the distance but when my dad dies it's going to be brutal. I'm somehow surprised I'm even sane sometimes. They really did a number on me growing up. I was the youngest and they just beat me down I see now.
It seems that the better I get the more nuts they get. That they seem to like seeing me all messed up and now I"m better they are so resentful. All I want to do is take care of myself and find a someone to love and raise a family. I miss having a family so much. I kept going back there looking for love and support I see now and all I got was venom. So why should I go crazy along with them if I can save the rest of my life and try to be as happy as I can?
But I have terrible guilt. I want to save them but I can't. I hurt myself for years drinking because they were so awful and I actually tore my own life up. Now I have real issues with trust. I don't trust anyone. I find it hard to make friends.
I'm working on it. My life is so much better now sober. But just when you think you have got it sorted out; hey I'm sober, hey I'm working.....you have more work to do. The fight, the work, whatever you want to call it does not seem to stop.
Sorry for the long post....Thanks for the vent...
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 462
Hello,
I'm in exactly the same position as you. I'm just a year sober and it's taken me a lot of therapy and tears to accept that my family are bad for my emotional well being. I told my therapist the other day that I miss my sister and I've no idea why. Every single minute I spent with my sister was dysfunctional, if she couldn't control me, she put me down and insulted me and my life choices.
The only person I really still see if my Mum. Our relationship has suffered because there's the 'silence' around the fact that I don't see other members of my family anymore.
In the meantime, the rest of the family are 'happily' going along with group holiday's/get togethers and pretending that there's nothing wrong with the family whatsoever, well - apart from me
Edited to add - my Dad died of alcoholism at the age of 56 - unfortunately, he just couldn't get recovery - he tried xx
I'm in exactly the same position as you. I'm just a year sober and it's taken me a lot of therapy and tears to accept that my family are bad for my emotional well being. I told my therapist the other day that I miss my sister and I've no idea why. Every single minute I spent with my sister was dysfunctional, if she couldn't control me, she put me down and insulted me and my life choices.
The only person I really still see if my Mum. Our relationship has suffered because there's the 'silence' around the fact that I don't see other members of my family anymore.
In the meantime, the rest of the family are 'happily' going along with group holiday's/get togethers and pretending that there's nothing wrong with the family whatsoever, well - apart from me
Edited to add - my Dad died of alcoholism at the age of 56 - unfortunately, he just couldn't get recovery - he tried xx
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I detached from my family too....I'm glad I did because it gave me the chance to study the problem at a remove...
There's no doubt my family is dysfunctional and there's no doubt there's a long history of wrongdoing...on both sides.
But I'm middle aged...I'm recovered...pretty close to who I want to be, my life is good - I see no benefit to me or anyone else in holding on to past baggage.
I accept I will never understand my parents and they will never understand me.
I will not forget things that happened - but I can forgive...
my parents are not bad people...they did their best.
It took me a looong time to get there - but I'm really glad I did
I see them now a few times a year...our years apart has meant an unspoken renegotiation of roles...
I get respect and a little 'give'...I give it back and - for the brief time we're together - my dysfunctional family is actually pretty darn functional these days
I hope you can find a similar place of peace in your history and your relationships too Tendencies
There's no doubt my family is dysfunctional and there's no doubt there's a long history of wrongdoing...on both sides.
But I'm middle aged...I'm recovered...pretty close to who I want to be, my life is good - I see no benefit to me or anyone else in holding on to past baggage.
I accept I will never understand my parents and they will never understand me.
I will not forget things that happened - but I can forgive...
my parents are not bad people...they did their best.
It took me a looong time to get there - but I'm really glad I did
I see them now a few times a year...our years apart has meant an unspoken renegotiation of roles...
I get respect and a little 'give'...I give it back and - for the brief time we're together - my dysfunctional family is actually pretty darn functional these days
I hope you can find a similar place of peace in your history and your relationships too Tendencies
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: London
Posts: 299
tendencies, I had a lot of therapy around my family and relationships growing up. I have one younger brother I'm close to, that's it. Parents dead, older brother still drives me nuts as he talks down to everyone. And I have an aunt I love. Sometimes, it makes me sad, I grew up in an alcoholic family and I think it's normal to yearn for a "normal" family.
But I've got some peace. Being sober has helped (early days, 4 months). And I had some part to play in my family dynamics (doesn't sound that way with you).
I think you need to do what you need to do, whether that's distancing for now, then if you choose to re-negotiate relationships at a later date. My younger brother doesn't speak to the eldest now, though it makes me sad I can understand why. I have to stop myself trying to fix it.. that was my role in the family. I am still trying to work out if I'll spend time with my older brothers, as I'll want to drink. With the youngest, despite him being an alcoholic, I'm fine.
Look after yourself as best as you can. Your dad dying (and sorry to hear that) is going to throw a lot of this stuff up, all the dynamics and feelings will be under a spotlight. My mum died a few years ago of cancer, bizarrely she actually changed when she became ill so we made our peace. But it was a hard time. I wish I'd taken better care of myself.
I guess by not drinking now we are, let us know how it goes.
But I've got some peace. Being sober has helped (early days, 4 months). And I had some part to play in my family dynamics (doesn't sound that way with you).
I think you need to do what you need to do, whether that's distancing for now, then if you choose to re-negotiate relationships at a later date. My younger brother doesn't speak to the eldest now, though it makes me sad I can understand why. I have to stop myself trying to fix it.. that was my role in the family. I am still trying to work out if I'll spend time with my older brothers, as I'll want to drink. With the youngest, despite him being an alcoholic, I'm fine.
Look after yourself as best as you can. Your dad dying (and sorry to hear that) is going to throw a lot of this stuff up, all the dynamics and feelings will be under a spotlight. My mum died a few years ago of cancer, bizarrely she actually changed when she became ill so we made our peace. But it was a hard time. I wish I'd taken better care of myself.
I guess by not drinking now we are, let us know how it goes.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Ottawa, Ontario
Posts: 135
I didn't know a lot about why I was drinking and the deep dark level of my pain when it came to my family. I had to figure out what it means to be a man and a person alone. Someone once told me it sounded like I was an orphan in the middle of a family. So I have all that pain. Trying to get things from people I needed who could never give it.
I hope your all right about later in life being able to renegotiate life's roles with family. But I have to accept that they are not going to change. Only I can change.
I find it hard not to hate them. That happens after I see them only. Mostly it's just pity.
I hope your all right about later in life being able to renegotiate life's roles with family. But I have to accept that they are not going to change. Only I can change.
I find it hard not to hate them. That happens after I see them only. Mostly it's just pity.
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I had to detach from my family too, especially from my mother. I spoke to her very little in the last years of her life and I don't regret it at all. She was an abusive person and refused to see any fault in herself. It was always all my fault. I realized that for a reconciliation to occur, she would have to own her issues and that would never happen, so detaching was the answer.
I hope that you don't feel guilty for your decision to step away because, ultimately, you need to take care of yourself.
I hope that you don't feel guilty for your decision to step away because, ultimately, you need to take care of yourself.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 8
Sometimes I want to scream because I feel as if *everyone* views me as the odd ball and weird-o. I used to fight against it all -- the dysfunction, the myths, the denials, the abusiveness, the running-each-other-down all the time....
A couple years ago, I decided that I could only control myself and my own opinions. The behavior and words and actions and opinions of my family were non of my business. I stopped seeking change in them. I stopped gossiping, trying to get information, trying to work them. I let it go.
It has been the hardest thing I've ever done emotionally. It continues to be hard, but gets easier.
The payoff is that the more distance I put and the more I make sure that MY behaviors are according to MY ethics, I feel stronger and clearer. I see that I'm not a loser, for example. I have accomplished a lot and am really incredibly strong. This clarity is fueling my desire to stop drinking now. I know life holds more...
I'm doing it backwards (typical for me I guess), as I'm tackling getting sobriety after getting clear of the dysfunctional family stuff.
I have daily, sometimes hourly, thoughts about the loss of my family, to this day. But I don't have the intense grief almost ever any more. I started to distance about 5 years ago, and really set my boundaries about 3-4 years ago.
A couple years ago, I decided that I could only control myself and my own opinions. The behavior and words and actions and opinions of my family were non of my business. I stopped seeking change in them. I stopped gossiping, trying to get information, trying to work them. I let it go.
It has been the hardest thing I've ever done emotionally. It continues to be hard, but gets easier.
The payoff is that the more distance I put and the more I make sure that MY behaviors are according to MY ethics, I feel stronger and clearer. I see that I'm not a loser, for example. I have accomplished a lot and am really incredibly strong. This clarity is fueling my desire to stop drinking now. I know life holds more...
I'm doing it backwards (typical for me I guess), as I'm tackling getting sobriety after getting clear of the dysfunctional family stuff.
I have daily, sometimes hourly, thoughts about the loss of my family, to this day. But I don't have the intense grief almost ever any more. I started to distance about 5 years ago, and really set my boundaries about 3-4 years ago.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Ottawa, Ontario
Posts: 135
One of the thing that I find that drags on me in my life, from the results of this dysfunctional family, is dating. I date using one of those online dating services, which is tough enough, but everyone puts so much emphasis on their close family relationships in their profiles and then when you meet them they of course tell you how great their family is. I talk vaguely about my sisters and my nieces and where my parents live but that is all. I have this sense I'm concealing this very dark secret and that I"m majorly damaged good.
I feel so guilty, like if I do start a relationship I have this huge neutron bomb that I still have to tell them about. Will they believe. Will they take the attitude of everyone around me growing up. That it's me, not them.
So apart from when I have to see family, or talk about them in therapy, that's my only big block in my life.
Then there is the not drinking. You go on a date and if's it's past 8pm my dates raise a bit of an eyebrow when I order coffee and demur an offer of a cocktail. I don't have a good thing to say about that but have tried to say I'm trying to detox which is kinda true but..... blah!
I have two huge issues when it comes to trying to make a relationships. My family issues and then my sobriety. I don't want being sober to be a big deal. I talk about it here but I don't talk about it very much with friends. They know and are supportive but I don't pour my heart out.
So I walk a fine line. I've not found my path yet. Not one I feel comfortable on. But I do know I want to meet some one and love them and have a family. Give them the attention and care that I never received.
I realize most of my issues are thing I can work on. But what a burden. I guess we all carry it in one form or another.
I feel so guilty, like if I do start a relationship I have this huge neutron bomb that I still have to tell them about. Will they believe. Will they take the attitude of everyone around me growing up. That it's me, not them.
So apart from when I have to see family, or talk about them in therapy, that's my only big block in my life.
Then there is the not drinking. You go on a date and if's it's past 8pm my dates raise a bit of an eyebrow when I order coffee and demur an offer of a cocktail. I don't have a good thing to say about that but have tried to say I'm trying to detox which is kinda true but..... blah!
I have two huge issues when it comes to trying to make a relationships. My family issues and then my sobriety. I don't want being sober to be a big deal. I talk about it here but I don't talk about it very much with friends. They know and are supportive but I don't pour my heart out.
So I walk a fine line. I've not found my path yet. Not one I feel comfortable on. But I do know I want to meet some one and love them and have a family. Give them the attention and care that I never received.
I realize most of my issues are thing I can work on. But what a burden. I guess we all carry it in one form or another.
Still I rise.
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oh Canada!
Posts: 1,121
Originally Posted by Tendencies 
My mother still believes that she was a great mother and any criticism that any of our needs were not meant were (and are) dismissed harshly.
I haven't spoken with my mother since Mother's Day. I need to remove myself from her and work on myself for now. She doesn't take my hurt seriously and neither do my siblings whom would probably say I am being too sensitive. She doesn't stick up for me when others have treated me badly and is in denial about her lack of expressive love and support while growing up.
I feel badly that I am not in contact with any of them right now but maybe it is best while I try to regain my health? I am just too hurt right now.
Anyway, Tendencies, just wanted to let you know that I am going through the same sort of situation and can empathize.
I hope things work out for the best.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 177
I can so relate...I still go through issures sometimes but I have to say the longer I'm in recovery the better it gets. When I moved several states away was the best but I had to move back to hometown because I have grandkids here so learning more how to deal with this issue but it's been a little toughter to say the least.
Myjourney4me
Myjourney4me
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 33
Hi Tendancies,
Sorry to hear that you're going through this... i can so empathise, i am newly sober but i am the youngest of three girls in a very dysfunctional family.. in healthy families i think that the youngest gets guidance and support but in dysfunctional ones where power games run amok and are unchecked the youngest gets used and dumped upon. Sorry to any older or middle siblings but this is my experience and that of friends in similar situations..
You have every right to look after yourself and do whatever is necessary to secure your own happiness and sobriety. This way of thinking and behaving takes practise because it is not what we have been taught so it's easy to fall back into patterns of dysfunction in new friendships and relationships. I am having therapy to help this.
Please understand i know exactly what you are going through but there is hope... we just need to find like-minded people who understand these issues, they are out there... i'm one and so are you!
Peace and love..
x
Sorry to hear that you're going through this... i can so empathise, i am newly sober but i am the youngest of three girls in a very dysfunctional family.. in healthy families i think that the youngest gets guidance and support but in dysfunctional ones where power games run amok and are unchecked the youngest gets used and dumped upon. Sorry to any older or middle siblings but this is my experience and that of friends in similar situations..
You have every right to look after yourself and do whatever is necessary to secure your own happiness and sobriety. This way of thinking and behaving takes practise because it is not what we have been taught so it's easy to fall back into patterns of dysfunction in new friendships and relationships. I am having therapy to help this.
Please understand i know exactly what you are going through but there is hope... we just need to find like-minded people who understand these issues, they are out there... i'm one and so are you!
Peace and love..
x
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Toronto,Ontario
Posts: 1,027
Wow, your story certainly hit home..
I am 1.5 years sober next month and my parents are highly dysfunctional... I see my father for who he really is, selfish, manipulative, delusional man who only thinks of himself and never admits his wrongs. He has control of my loving mother, and he can do no wrong in her eyes... Too many times she stood silent while he was emotionally and mentally abusive to me ... Allways made excuses for his sh1t. Sad state of affairs. I too distance myself from them, I simply can not take their idiotic comments and messed up sense of reality... It is POISON to my sobriety... My father did quit alcoholic drinking in 1990, but still drinks here and there - never seen him to overdue it like in the days when I was a kid...
Regardless, I try to be happy now and concentrate on my sobriety and life with my wife... The less I see them, the better...
I am 1.5 years sober next month and my parents are highly dysfunctional... I see my father for who he really is, selfish, manipulative, delusional man who only thinks of himself and never admits his wrongs. He has control of my loving mother, and he can do no wrong in her eyes... Too many times she stood silent while he was emotionally and mentally abusive to me ... Allways made excuses for his sh1t. Sad state of affairs. I too distance myself from them, I simply can not take their idiotic comments and messed up sense of reality... It is POISON to my sobriety... My father did quit alcoholic drinking in 1990, but still drinks here and there - never seen him to overdue it like in the days when I was a kid...
Regardless, I try to be happy now and concentrate on my sobriety and life with my wife... The less I see them, the better...
SoberOutlook
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3,089
I read half your post, and called my dad, with whom I share a twisted path in history. Let me preface my post with how my day has been. It started with a funeral for the 33 yr old son of a friend of mine, who died from a nasty cancer. It reminded me of the fragility of life, and of family relationships. Then, I came home to my neighbors blasting their racist, profane-laden gangsta rap, without consideration for the groups of kids in the neighborhood of all races who can't help but hear it. I called the cops on them.
Then, a moment ago, one of my son's friends got dropped off by his brother 20 minutes after my son had left for his band practice. This, despite our telling his dad when he had to be here, and why. To top it off, his brother was driving like an idiot and peeled out on our cul de sac after dropping him.
What do these situations all have in common? Dysfunctional family histories; the same as everyone else. I challenge you to find a real-life family that is not dysfunctional. It doesn't exist.
So...what's my point? It's this. ALL of mankind is broken. We can strive for perfection in our lives as much as we want, but it will constantly evade us over time. Sure, we can have fleeting moments of nervana, but time will eventually erode it. Our world is covered in sin.
All we can do about it is to seek forgiveness for our own brokenness. If we own the brokenness that we represent in the world, then we can live through the new perspective that is borne in that recognition. We can adjust and modify. The only way that I know I can do that is with humility and forgiveness of others for their brokenness.
My parents f'd up. So did I. Now, my kids do. It has always been and will always be. Only when we can see past that and live in humble recognition and forgiveness, will we be at peace in our hearts. And, in my experience, that can only come from God.
I pray that God's peace, which is infinite and indescribable, will be upon you, and that you will seek God to find His everlasting peace eternally.
Then, a moment ago, one of my son's friends got dropped off by his brother 20 minutes after my son had left for his band practice. This, despite our telling his dad when he had to be here, and why. To top it off, his brother was driving like an idiot and peeled out on our cul de sac after dropping him.
What do these situations all have in common? Dysfunctional family histories; the same as everyone else. I challenge you to find a real-life family that is not dysfunctional. It doesn't exist.
So...what's my point? It's this. ALL of mankind is broken. We can strive for perfection in our lives as much as we want, but it will constantly evade us over time. Sure, we can have fleeting moments of nervana, but time will eventually erode it. Our world is covered in sin.
All we can do about it is to seek forgiveness for our own brokenness. If we own the brokenness that we represent in the world, then we can live through the new perspective that is borne in that recognition. We can adjust and modify. The only way that I know I can do that is with humility and forgiveness of others for their brokenness.
My parents f'd up. So did I. Now, my kids do. It has always been and will always be. Only when we can see past that and live in humble recognition and forgiveness, will we be at peace in our hearts. And, in my experience, that can only come from God.
I pray that God's peace, which is infinite and indescribable, will be upon you, and that you will seek God to find His everlasting peace eternally.
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,826
Originally Posted by ttbp
Hello,
I'm in exactly the same position as you. I'm just a year sober and it's taken me a lot of therapy and tears to accept that my family are bad for my emotional well being. I told my therapist the other day that I miss my sister and I've no idea why. Every single minute I spent with my sister was dysfunctional, if she couldn't control me, she put me down and insulted me and my life choices.
The only person I really still see if my Mum. Our relationship has suffered because there's the 'silence' around the fact that I don't see other members of my family anymore.
In the meantime, the rest of the family are 'happily' going along with group holiday's/get togethers and pretending that there's nothing wrong with the family whatsoever, well - apart from me
Edited to add - my Dad died of alcoholism at the age of 56 - unfortunately, he just couldn't get recovery - he tried xx
I'm in exactly the same position as you. I'm just a year sober and it's taken me a lot of therapy and tears to accept that my family are bad for my emotional well being. I told my therapist the other day that I miss my sister and I've no idea why. Every single minute I spent with my sister was dysfunctional, if she couldn't control me, she put me down and insulted me and my life choices.
The only person I really still see if my Mum. Our relationship has suffered because there's the 'silence' around the fact that I don't see other members of my family anymore.
In the meantime, the rest of the family are 'happily' going along with group holiday's/get togethers and pretending that there's nothing wrong with the family whatsoever, well - apart from me
Edited to add - my Dad died of alcoholism at the age of 56 - unfortunately, he just couldn't get recovery - he tried xx
Going No Contact with my older sister 2 years ago came down to my physical and mental health. I'm coming up on 18 months sober.
For the OP and others, thank you for sharing and know you have friends here who have walked next to you on this path. Peace to all on this thread and SR.
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