LostinTO

I've tried this before but it was years ago and I don't remember the ID or email address I used but I only lasted a day or two anyway.

I used to have fun drinking, I loved it. It turned me into someone I wasn't. I was very shy and introverted growing up but when I discovered liquor I became outward and brave, I could talk to girls and being a good looking guy I had lot's of girlfriends and being a good looking guy girls will let you get away with pretty much anything, like passing out on the floor, vomiting or being too drunk to do anything with anyone.

That was all of 25 years ago. I'll be 46 in a couple of weeks and I'm not that handsome young man I used to be. I weigh over 400lbs now and I'm extremely introverted again. In fact I've become a bit of a recluse.

I think I was well on my way to dieing of alcoholism before I met my now ex wife. We had a child together and I wanted to be the best Dad ever and I think I was a pretty darn good Dad and my son and I were extremely close. We separated when he was 5, I fought hard and got equal custody of him. One week with me, one week with Mom. I knew she knew I loved to drink and I did not want to lose my son so I would be bone dry of alcohol whenever I was responsible for him. The last thing I wanted was to lose my little boy over drinking.

That worked for about 11 years but when he turned 16, I had a little more freedom and I could go out after work with the boys. I could come home drunk because he was old enough to look after himself. Very quickly it seemed I slipped back into my older habits and then some. He's almost 18 now and every single night whether he's with me or not I stop at the bar on the way home, have anywhere from 5 - 12 pints of beer and another quart of whiskey when I get home. Every night without fail. It's been that way for about 2 years now. I've always been a heavy drinker but not like this. I've gained 200lbs in a short time. I'm two months behind on rent (I was 3) and I've gotten warnings from work over time missed. I can't drive my car anymore because I have $10,000 in parking tickets. My body is failing me, I can barely walk, most days I have to use a cane.

This is absolutely no fun anymore. I'm depressed. On weekends I don't get out of bed until late in the afternoon then I'm off to the bar by 7 to start again. I can't remember the last time I went to bed. I usually pass out on the couch. My son and I are no longer as close as we used to be. We argue a lot which depresses me even more and makes me want to drink even more. Please don't say quit for him, because I can't seem to. I know he'll be OK without me, he's almost 18 and he'll be fine.

I feel like I'm just waiting around to die. I feel useless and like a huge failure. I want to quit but I can't face the depression and anxiety attacks I get at the thought of going home sober. My Dr gave me something for it and on the rare time I have tried it it just never seemed to help.

Sorry for the long message, I was going to make it short but it all just came pouring out. Most times I want to die but this sure feels like a painful way of getting there.

Live2Run25

Welcome to SR..again. We are so glad to have you back. You can do this. DO it for your son if that's the only thing that keeps you motivated. You have to want to do it. It takes a lot of work but it can be done!

TorontoGuy28

Hi LostinTO,

Your son will need you, even after 18....

It's not too late man. Get your self checked out by a doctor and then perhaps an inpatient rehab ?

You are not failure., keep trying.

Alcohol has taken all of us into some dark, dark places. You are not alone !

TG

IndaMiricale

Welcome Back.

artsoul

Welcome (back) LostinTO -

Glad you decided to post - I'm sorry you're suffering, though.

Alcohol made me depressed and anxious, too (and of course, I solved that by drinking). It's a vicious cycle that only gets worse. Have you thought about inpatient treatment (or at least detox?). A lot of the anxiety/depression went away once I got sober.

Reaching out for help is hard, but it's so much harder to do this on our own... Keep reading and posting. Recovery IS possible!

LostinTO

My Dr offered me outpatient treatment but it was weeks long and it required being there everyday from 8 until 3 but I work. When I told the rehab guy this he seemed surprised. I don't know what to do.

TorontoGuy28

You need to take time off work to get better, otherwise - you might eventually lose that job regardless....

I know of a few people that went on "medical leave" to get better...


Keep us posted

LostinTO

ok

TorontoGuy28

Also - typically, you do not have to disclose what the "medical" condition is.. That is considered a private/confidential matter..

Dee74

Welcome back LostinTO

I'm not gonna say quit for your son - but quit for you, man.
I know there's a life you dream of without booze, and I know there's a man and a dad you want to be.

You can have that life and be that guy. It's a lot of hard work and commitment - in many ways tit may be the toughest thing you ever do - but I know you can do it...because I did it.,..and so did many many others of us

You'll need to go out of your comfort zone tho I think - and probably have to do some uncomfortable stuff, and make a mess of changes...

if not rehab maybe some recovery programme? Supports really important, and so is the act of commitment.

Whether you go AA or some non 12 step programme I think it might be a good idea to check out some of your options.

There's many different approaches and methods of recovery around - here's some links to some of the main players:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach.

and...keep posting here. SR helped change my life...as well as helping me get through some dark nights.

Glad to have you here again man

D

LostinTO

Thanks, I appreciate it. I will check into those links.

instant

It's great that you are here. I was in a situation where I felt tormented and trapped by it all. I could see where it was going. Despite the madness I had many failed attempts to cut down, control and quit. None of it worked. It was easy to get despondent.

14 months ago something changed and I haven't looked back. It is possible to get off the roundabout.

LostinTO

What changed that you were able to finally stop ?

TorontoGuy28

For me, it was the following :

1. I finally truly believed the progressive aspect of Alcoholism. Started to do things I swore would never do.
2. Got HONEST with myself, and realized that I WILL DIE from this disease and ruin lives of the many people that cared for me before that.
3. Admitted and ACCEPTED that I was powerless over alcohol and CAN NEVER drink normally, God knows I tried for many years.

jennikate

Hi LostinTO,

I know where you are coming from. I have an 18 yo daughter and could not get sober for her. In fact, thinking about what a mess I made of her life just made me want to drink more. I've been through hell this year and something finally gave. I thought I was trying before but it apparantly was not enough. I totally understand your desire to stop living that life you are. I didn't really want to die but I felt like there was no other choice. There is! It is not an easy road but really it gets better by the week. The depression and anxiety are immensely better. I now have an incredibly important thing-hope. Hope for peace and happiness. You can have that too. Don't give up hope.
Jennikate

2granddaughters

My son was 15 yrs old when I came to sobriety in 1989.

90 days in Brentwood Recovery Home in Windsor, ON and straight into AA. Celebrated 23 yrs sober last Wednesday. Son now has wife and 2 daughters (2granddaughters).

Wishing you the best.

Bob R

DisplacedGRITS

hi Lostin! you don't have to quit for your boy. you outlined pretty solid reasons that you want to quit for yourself and that's what it really takes. people who want to quit for anything other than themselves are basing their sobriety on external factors that can fail them and that's dangerous. when you base your sobriety on yourself, you have all the responsibility and control. it's all up to you. if you have the opportunity to do the out patient treatment then do it. it sounds exactly like what i did. you learn a lot and it's very helpful. i was sober during my treatment and i loved being there. i relapsed afterwards (both times) but that was my fault for still thinking i could go it alone. i was cocky. i found sobriety through AA, SR, continued therapy, medication and getting in touch with my Higher Power. you have to build your sobriety on a strong foundation and it has to start with a strong desire to quit. many of us, when we began, were just like you. we didn't know if we could make it or how to make it. it starts with focusing on a simple but powerful goal. i will not drink today. not i will not drink this week or this month. just i will not drink today. throughout the day we often had to break it down to i will not drink this hour. sometimes i will not drink this minute. we all have the power to stay sober this minute. when it passes, we can stay sober this minute. begin to break your habits. your comfort zone is killing you. you know this. the path of sobriety is not a comfortable one in the beginning. you're entering foreign territory so it's natural that it's strange to you. if it feels weird, it should. you can have the happiness of sobriety but you're going to have to do the hard work it takes to get there. we know. we've been where you are. be honest with yourself and admit that what you've been doing isn't working and be willing to try something else. keep coming back here for inspiration and support. we'll be here! we'll also be waiting to hear about your success! you'll start seeing the benefits of a sober life more quickly than you realize. as they mount up, you'll come to really understand why the path of sobriety is worth walking. and remember, you never ever walk it alone.

NoFireWater

It gets overwhelming because it's all connected. Quitting drinking will probably make you lose weight, you'll be healthier, may not need the cane anymore. You'll have more money and can start paying the parking tickets (I once owed a ton on parking tickets when I lived in the city, and made a plan where I went in once a week to pay one or two tickets. They erased 2/3 of my bill once I did that for about 6 months-worth a try). You won't argue as much with your son if you're not drinking. It is normal for a teen to argue with his parents. You will probably be happier with your appearance and start getting attention from women again. Get off the couch and do something-anything to get you moving again. Small steps can make a BIG difference!! Hang in there-you are not alone.

TorontoGuy28

How are you making out LostinTO ?

Hevyn

Hi LostinTO. I was almost at the same point when I decided to quit. Disgusted with myself and knowing I could never go back to the days when it was 'fun' and relaxing. It was hard to admit I couldn't touch it again - but sharing my feelings here on SR really helped me gain the courage I needed.

I know it seems hopeless, but as a lifelong drinker - I can promise you it is not. I was in my 50's when I decided I would reclaim my life. I've stayed quit for 4-1/2 yrs. I found out I didn't need alcohol to live. Who knew? You can get off this stuff and have a whole new life. I hope you'll check back in. We care about you.