EH21

I recently began my recovery from alcoholism. I feel better and I think I'm doing well. My boyfriend has his own problems with benzos. When he's not taking them everything is great. When he is it gets very stressful. He denies taking anything when it's blatantly obvious. He has court coming up for being messed up in public. It's his third offense so we don't know how it's going to go. So he's freaking out and he's been high since Friday. When I say anything to him he denies it and tells me I'm the one with the problem not him. It kinda hurts but I love him and I want to be there for him. I know being with him so soon into my own recovery is risky. I'm at the end of my rope and I don't know what to do.

doggonecarl

Don't know what to do? Pretend your very best girlfriend told you what you told us and asked your advice. What would you tell her?

Congrats on your ongoing recovery. Do what you have to do to maintain it. Even the hard things.

DisplacedGRITS

welcome to SR, EH21! when my husband would confront me about my being drunk i would deny it even though the signs were obvious. he would find bottles and i would claim that they were old ones. he would find ones half full and i would exclaim "oh wow! where was that? i must have bought that and forgotten about it ages ago!" liar, liar, pants on fire. you can't clean up your boyfriends mess no matter how much you love him. you could lock him up and make him sober up for his court date and he would hate you for it. as an alcoholic, i resented anyone who tried to tell me that i had a problem and then tried to make me deal with it. he must come into his recovery on his own. he may have to deal with the repercussions of his addiction by hurting his relationship with you and getting into legal trouble. what's important here is that you understand that you cannot change someone else's behavior. you need to focus on yourself and do what is right for your recovery. don't be other focused by working on him. he's not your project. it's scary to think about making a big change by distancing yourself from someone you love but is causing you harm early in your recovery but now that you're becoming sober you're starting to see things as they really are. he isn't. take some time for yourself and do what is right for you. remember what is important. you can't take care of someone else unless you are taking care of yourself first.

Live2Run25

These are tough situations. You want to be there for him, but it doesn't sound like he's really interested in the help. It sounds to me like he's still in denial about his problem. His 3rd offense? Hmm. Is there any way you can tell him how serious you are about recovery and maybe he should try too? If not, i'd think of getting out of that relationship. It could be another 10 years before he comes around...

pinkdog

For me sobriety has to be the #1 priority. Hugs to you.

smacked

Part of my recovery involved protecting myself from toxic people, that includes active alcoholics and addicts. My serenity is too precious to me, and I wouldn't think of having a friendship or relationship with an active addict.

If you're going to continue a relationship w/ an active user, you might find some help from Alanon where you can learn how to live with addiction by establishing boundaries. I'm not interested in living with addiction, personally.

Dee74

Welcome EH21

I can't tell you want to do about your relationship.

I had to leave some people behind - for their own good as much as mine - but you obviously love this guy and it sounds to me like leaving's not an option you want to consider?

I think something like AlAnon/NarAnon might be helpful for you tho tho, not only for the support but because you'll learn to protect yourself and your recovery.

You'll also find a lot of support here - check out our Family and Friends forums as well.

Congratulations on your own recovery

D

EH21

My gut is telling me to get out now. I'm definitely going to feel like I'm abandoning him in his time of need but I guess I'm going to have to put myself first. Thank you everyone for your input.

ZiggyB

Hi,
I don't envy your position but can totally relate. I was in a relationship that just ended where I got the "you have the problem, not me" lecture constantly. Never mind that the person saying this always had a martini in one hand and a cigarette in the other. :-P

There towards the end I had no idea if I was an alcoholic myself, or codependent because I was worried about him and his problems all the time. Whatever it was, it totally sucked big time... it's likely you both have a problem but you probably need to focus on your own sobriety and let him sort out his own issues.

choublak

That won't hold up in court...

Sooner or later he has to deal with consequences...you are free to choose whether you want to deal with his consequences or not.

mrsbrownie

hello eh21, welcome to the community... you surely will get a lot of support here. im so thankful i found this site.

glad that you are trying to stay sober while helping your ABF...i wish you all the best...i tried helping my XABF and im a non-addict....we did a lot of healthy things, mainly sports, movies, music (we both play the guitar) but it was tough...especially when he has this "friend" girl who brings him alcohol and weed and has a son who also is high on weed (everyday, this is according to xabf)...i remember crying to his mom everytime i see the alcohol bottles...what kind of friends does he have when instead of helping him to sobriety they keep wanting him to drink...he told me that he chose me over her because he said that i could help him more to sobriety although of course its all up to him...this broad keeps inviting him to go clubbing, calling him when she's hella drunk so she can come over and stay the night...both have duis...so he said he is just concerned that she may hurt someone if he lets him drives but assures me that they dont sleep together (God only knows)...im sharing you my story because i think its good that you are trying to be with him even if you are working on your sobriety yourself.

good luck! ) (hugs)