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Husband loves his beer!

Old 07-18-2012, 10:47 AM
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Husband loves his beer!

Stayed home today to search internet for help for me and my kids. Stumbled onto this forum.
I am so pissed at my husband because he has made our lives miserable. He won't stop drinking. He is chosing his beer over us. He doesn't think he has a problem, but I do. He drinks at least 4 beers every night after work, and 8 to 10 on his days off. (Works 12 hour shifts so is drunk at least 4 or 5 days in a 2 week rotation).
On days that we are both home together, he hides from me, has beer stashed outside that he secretly drinks and has a buddy that he likes to visit and drink with. He drinks early in the day and falls asleep on the couch by 7:00. He is not the man I married. He lies about how many he has and refuses help. He says I nag him and thats what makes him drink more.
Things are ok sometimes but this isn't how I pictured my life. He's a sneak, and I don't trust him anymore. I am strong and could live without him but pissed because I didn't want my kids to have divorced parents, pissed because financially it will be harder and pissed that I have to deal with this at all.
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Old 07-18-2012, 10:56 AM
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I know it's hard, but anger will only make it worse. A lot of us here made the stupid choice to go with the alcohol when someone gave us the "It's either me or drinking" ultimatum. If you really love him try to get him help and be supportive. If you get angry and leave him it may trigger him to get even worse...that's what my experience was like.

All the yelling and threatening in the world won't solve it or bring peace to your relationship. Marriages take work. This is your time to shine.

It's good you came here. There are a lot of folks that can help guide you.
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Old 07-18-2012, 11:15 AM
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You certainly have the right to feel the way you do about this situation. Unfortunately there is not much you can do to make him quit because this decision has to be made 100 percent by him alone. I'll tell you what worked for me - my wife took my son and left. She didn't necessarily say she was divorcing me, but instead said we needed time apart because I was destroying her life as well as my sons. After loosing my family, I realized how stupid I was for choosing booze over them. I haven't drank in over three months and I have never felt better. I'm not saying this will work for you, but its the only thing that worked for me.
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Old 07-18-2012, 11:15 AM
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I suggest you also post this in the friends and families forum.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

They have a lot of experience with this sort of life.


Welcome to SR! :ghug3
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Old 07-18-2012, 11:25 AM
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You can find support here at SR on the Friends & Families forum and you might also check out AlAnon as a support for you.
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Old 07-18-2012, 11:29 AM
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Hey splintered. How did you find this site? Was your husband on it and you found it in his internet history??
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Old 07-18-2012, 01:11 PM
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No I didn't find it by checking up on him.
He doesn't have a problem right?
I was looking for myself and MY KIDS.
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Old 07-18-2012, 01:22 PM
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You're not powerful enough to make him drink, you're not powerful enough to make him quit. Sorry you're pissed.. but if he chooses to drink for the rest of your marriage.. would you rather raise your kids with an alcoholic? There's some old saying "it's better to come from a broken home than it is to live in one". It's up to you to decide what you're willing to live with or not. If you're going to choose to stay in a home and keep your children in the home with an active alcoholic, it might be helpful to learn more about alcoholism and maybe attend some Alanon meetings to help you learn how to establish boundaries.
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Old 07-19-2012, 09:03 AM
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Hey Splinter,
What kind of help has he tried? Have you u guys actually tried to sit down and talk calmly about it???
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Old 07-19-2012, 09:25 AM
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Hi Splintered-

I've been that husband, but we do not have kids and am happily sober now.

Things will NOT change, unless he ADMITS and ACCEPTS his problem and seeks HELP.

I grew up with an alcoholic father, do not wish that on anyone.

Do what's best for you and the kids., can you move in with other close family nearby ?

TG
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Old 07-19-2012, 10:58 AM
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Last night I told him all about how I spent my day reading up on alcoholism. Told him the one thing I learned was I can't do anything to make him quit and that I was done trying. I told him how mad I was that he has ruined a good thing. We both have jobs, a house, great kids and our health. I told him I was tired of being miserable. Like so many others, we live separate lives. He hides and avoids me constantly. We do not share important conversations or decisions anymore. He is not abusive and I feel no threats so for now we will both be under one roof. I will be figuring out how to move on without him if he doesn't get some kind of help though. My feeling is he still thinks he can just quit whenever he wants. I don't have much confidence in what he says. When he hides from all of us and tries to look busy outside to secretly drink, all trust in our marriage is gone. My guess is he will "be good" for awhile and in a few weeks we will be right back at this point.
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Old 07-19-2012, 02:45 PM
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Hi splintered

I'm sorry for your situation - but I know you'll find a lot of help and support here
Welcome to SR!
D
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Old 07-19-2012, 03:45 PM
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Originally Posted by splintered View Post
My guess is he will "be good" for awhile and in a few weeks we will be right back at this point.
Yes - that's exactly what I used to do, clean up for a week or 2, perhaps even a month or two - here and there, but soon enough I was back to my old tricks... Each time it was getting worse and worse, good news - he can get better, but he is the only one that can make the decision to quit....

I maintained (and still do) a high paying job, a big house with German car in the driveway... On the outside, things looked perfect... However, my wife was in your exact position... I did not lose my job, nor anything else... Just respect for myself, from my wife and mentally - we were both going crazy...

No doubt in my mind if I continued on my path of alcoholism, it would progress to much worse things and I would lose it all, including my health.

Quitting drinking was one of the best decision I've made in my life, never looked back...
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Old 07-19-2012, 03:54 PM
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consider also buying a Big Book and leaving it for him to read. just tell him that you want him to get the help that he deserves. that you want the man you married back and the kids need their father. did right by what you told him. support him in any recovery effort he makes but he has to make a RECOVERY EFFORT. quitting drinking for a few weeks isn't recovery. most of us here know that. he needs a sobriety plan. you can't just stumble blindly into sobriety and expect it to work out. AA is a great place. plenty of meetings and well established. there is no shame in going. the shame is in not going. we who seek out help and make the effort are not ashamed. we do not hide alcohol. we are strong and we are proud of our recovery. he can be proud again too.
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Old 07-19-2012, 03:57 PM
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Welcome splintered. I hope you will post on Friends & Family, as the others suggested. We're very happy you found us.

I went through this same thing many years ago, but my husband (who has now passed on) wasn't capable of stopping at that time. Many years later he did, but it was too late to salvage what we once had - and his health was ruined. I hope your husband will decide to reclaim his life. Please do stay and keep posting - we care.
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Old 07-19-2012, 05:39 PM
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Thanks everyone but I already caught him having his "TALL BOY". Hasn't even been 24 hours since our talk. He told me "thats all I am going to have. Didn't have any after work but if I come home and work outside I would like a cold beer when I am done". Whatever!!!
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Old 07-19-2012, 06:37 PM
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you may be interested in local Al-Anon meetings so you can learn how to take care of yourself while dealing with an alcoholic spouse. you can also pick up a When & Where (a list of AA meetings in your area) that you can leave out for him should he ever decide to seek help for himself. perhaps him seeing you taking it so serious will make him realize what an effect it's having on you and the family. sometimes words aren't enough. sometimes it takes action and the only action you can take is one that involves yourself.
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Old 07-19-2012, 07:55 PM
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Originally Posted by splintered View Post
He doesn't think he has a problem, but I do.
He tells you he doesn't have a problem, but he knows he does deep down. He has to admit it himself though.
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Old 07-19-2012, 11:36 PM
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I agree I would highly suggest attending some local al-anon meetings. Simply venting your frustrations will likely do nothing for him to stop, which you've already found out,..

You can find more information here: Welcome to Al-Anon Family Groups
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Old 05-01-2015, 03:04 AM
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similar issue

Originally Posted by splintered View Post
Stayed home today to search internet for help for me and my kids. Stumbled onto this forum.
I am so pissed at my husband because he has made our lives miserable. He won't stop drinking. He is chosing his beer over us. He doesn't think he has a problem, but I do. He drinks at least 4 beers every night after work, and 8 to 10 on his days off. (Works 12 hour shifts so is drunk at least 4 or 5 days in a 2 week rotation).
On days that we are both home together, he hides from me, has beer stashed outside that he secretly drinks and has a buddy that he likes to visit and drink with. He drinks early in the day and falls asleep on the couch by 7:00. He is not the man I married. He lies about how many he has and refuses help. He says I nag him and thats what makes him drink more.
Things are ok sometimes but this isn't how I pictured my life. He's a sneak, and I don't trust him anymore. I am strong and could live without him but pissed because I didn't want my kids to have divorced parents, pissed because financially it will be harder and pissed that I have to deal with this at all.
I'm in the same pissed boat. Your story is just what I was looking for.
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