erutxet

Weed was my doc but now I want to drink because life's tough. I'm on welfare and severely depressed can't get out of bed. Mind keeps telling me I'm stupid, worthless, an embarrassment. Want to kill myself but maybe I should use drugs and alcohol instead. Better than suicide right?

Dee74

Life is tough - I'll agree erutxet...but there's nothing that can't be made tougher by developing a new addiction, believe me.

Have you have a Dr you see for your depression? I think that's always a better way for us to deal with things...

What kind of support network do you have to stay sober?

Life will always have it's ups and downs - but by staying clean and sober I think we can make sure the bad times are fleeting and the good times are never far away

Please do get some help - don't give up

D

artsoul

I'm sorry things are so difficult right now, eru. It seemed like you were doing better for a while. Have you gotten any professional help?

ClayTheScribe

That aspect of your mind telling you those things is called your inner judge. It was once useful as a child as an inner parent to keep you straight and out of trouble, but when we're grown, especially for those of us who are sensitive, it turns into a destructive monster. It recently tried to get me to kill myself after beating me down and telling me what an embarrassment I am and how I'm worthless so I might as well kill myself. The reason we believe in the judgments so easily and then feel diminished is because there's a tiny bit of truth to it. But the judgments are ALWAYS false. One way to disengage with this part of yourself is to use its against it. I often will cuss at it. It just needs to be a short sentence or question in which you expect no answer and will not say anything more. On top of that, I'd encourage you to find a therapist and/or psychiatrist who can help lift you up.

I was addicted to alcohol and pot and spent several weeks not getting out of bed or out of my dingy apartment and I made very little money. I skipped class often and as a result had to drop courses, taking me two more years to finish college. But you know, not for a second am I ashamed of what I did or didn't do because I was doing the best that I could with what I have. You have the fact that you're sober, despite your other challenges, to be very proud of. I also understand the pull to substitute your addiction is strong. Your addictive voice is working overtime to get you to be addicted to something again. All I will tell you is that pot was the hardest addiction for me to quit and that things will seem great at first and then you never return to those initial highs again. At the end I'd try to get high and just get all the negative side effects. Pot clouded my brain and slowed me way down and right now being on the rebound from quitting alcohol, you don't need anything to stop your momentum, even though you think you may not be moving very fast. Get in front of a psychiatrist and a counselor trained with addictions. It won't be easy, but self-destruction and taking on other addictions are SO much harder, trust me.

You're gonna be fine, you're reaching out for help and you're doing what you need to survive. Your best is good enough, I don't care which part of your brain tells you otherwise.

NoFireWater

Better to be here posting and asking for help than abusing or contemplating suicide-it's a start towards doing something to improve your situation so good for you! If you feel worthless, go out and do something kind for someone else. If you feel stupid, find something you do well to counteract that feeling. If you can't find a job, volunteer somewhere, it may lead to an opportunity. I think anyone has the ability to change their life for the better if they're willing to try.

Rory23

You are never alone, many of us have felt this way before. Seek medical care, don't be afraid of medical bills. No amount of money is worth your life, please see someone. I don't know you but I still have love and compassion for all fellow humans.

endlesspatience

I had a similar feeling to the one you're experiencing not long ago. The first thing that helped was going into the store where I usually bought the liquor and coming home with two big cartons of juice instead. I downed them all in one go and then fell asleep. I felt pretty ghastly when I woke up but not as bad as if I hadn't stopped with the booze.

MalkavianEmily

Is it better to kill yourself slowly than quickly? Because that's what drinking and taking drugs really is, killing yourself slowly. Is that what you really want?
You're here. You're posting. No matter how much you might feel you want to give up, there's a part of you that wants to hang on.
How do I know? Because you're here, and you've not drunk/smoked. And also because on Friday night I was... not exactly in the same place, but a similar one.
Everything I thought I'd gained by quitting the drink was looking like nothing more than smoke and mirrors. I rang my fiance (poor man) and told him how I felt. To begin with he probably didn't need the phone to hear me, and he's over a hundred miles away. I told him I'd had enough. That I was going back to the drink. That I just didn't care anymore. About anything.
He replied that no matter what I said, I did care. Because I was on the phone to him, not down the pub. And that's how I know that you don't want to give up.

And you deserve better. You know that voice that tells you you're stupid, worthless and an embarrassment? It could be your 'inner judge' or it could be your addiction talking. Because it wants feeding. And what better way to get you to feed it than make you feel like you're a piece of sh1t?
I'm a bit cynical about doctors. Nearly as cynical as my dad was. They did sod all for me, but I'm still going to say, go and see one. Get treatment for your depression.

And above all else, if you take nothing from this other than what I'm about to say. You deserve to be clean and sober. You deserve to be happy. You are not your thoughts or even your actions. Stay strong. Stay clean and sober. It's not easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is. And never forget you're worth it.