sophieo

Huge thanks to all of you for your comments. Your advice is way more helpful than any I've been given from my friends or my therapist.

I think I needed to hear that it all started out ok for you as well before it went downhill. I still can't see myself deteriorating but I realise that you probably don't notice it happening before it actually happens. Being an alcoholic who can't control alcohol is probably the type I least identify myself with - being the control freak I am.

You're right in saying that I probably should go see another therapist, but at the moment I just can't bring myself to. Not that I believe all other therapists to be equally bad, it's just that I am a really private person when it comes to serious things (with most other things I'm ridiculously open) and I really did tell the last therapist how I felt and tried talking about it with a close friend (who misunderstood me and thought I was trying to tell her that she was drinking too much just because I thought I was) and it's just too draining.

Drinking alone came early to me for some reason. I think I was about 18 the first time I made myself a drink all alone one night. There was nothing special about day, I just felt like a drink and helped myself to one.

As to the question whether I'm self-medicating or not, I honestly don't know. Everything in my life is fine (love my family, relatives, have great friends, good grades at uni, an amazing job, no financial problems, have started seeing this guy I really like etc. etc.) so there is absolutely nothing for me to be unhappy about, yet I can count the number of days that I've felt happy in the last five years on one hand.

I guess you're right in that the word alcoholic is just a label. And yes, by registering here I probably do know myself that I have a problem. It's just so much easier talking/writing about it than it is to actually acknowledge and admit to myself that I have a problem and actually do something about it.

I probably should stop drinking for a few months. At the moment I can't really bring myself to have this conversation with my friends and family and it would undoubtedly happen since they would notice me not drinking and ask. But I am moving abroad in September to a place where I don't know anyone so that would probably be a good time.

But giving up alcohol scares me (as I'm sure it did some of you from reading some of your comments). It's not that I can't have fun with friends, stopping drinking in public is not a problem for me, I did that four two months this spring. The hard part is stopping my drinking alone. Life without alcohol just seems so boring and unhappy for me. Not that alcohol makes me happy, but I've been bored and non-happy (neither happy nor unhappy) for so long now and I think I would really struggle without alcohol. Which is obviously a sign that I should stop. Maybe then I would have to address my other issues, but I don't know what they are and that scares me.

This turned into another long post. Will definitely stick around these forums - seems to be a lot of nice people around.

zorah

Remember that alcohol problems come in all shapes and sizes. It's the same condition but we all become entangled in unique ways. Some, like me, drank to medicate mental illness (bipolar depression and anxiety disorder) and the pain of feeling down all the time due to family problems. Others I know slipped into boozing because they partied a lot and soon, without realizing it, the boozing made them restless, dissatisfied and depressed in a way they weren't before, which then of course led to more boozing. In other words, some run to alcohol to fix the crazies that are already in their heads; others drink alcohol which then causes the crazies to bloom in their heads. it doesn't matter how it happens. the point is that if the whole subject is making you crazy because you can't stop thinking about it or wondering if you're an addict or not (as if that matters), and you can't stop doing archaeological digs through your life to unearth some truth about yourself, then you definitely need help. I know I did. I am new to sobriety and I spent months wondering, analyzing, obsessing, discussing, researching, etc. etc. and in the end, i just realized it doesn't matter. all i know is that i want to stop because it's hurting me. i can't do it on my own. i need help. i'm getting it.

this about you, not anyone else's definition or diagnosis. you deserve to get better in any area of your life where you feel you're not healthy. recovery programs don't require a special pass to attend meetings. All you need is a desire to stop drinking.

I say go for it!

Zorah

pinkgurl87

If you think you have a problem then you have a problem. Drinking alone is a sign of addiction. If you think you have a problem then get some help for it. Loss of control shows that you have an alcohol issue.

sugarbear1

I just re-read this. According to the DSM IV, I am not an alcoholic. I know I am. hmmm....

sophieo

What's the DSM IV?