New here, not sure how to make sense of things.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 4
New here, not sure how to make sense of things.
I'm pretty sure I have a problem. 4 hours after a liter of vodka, I'm sober. A "normal" person would have blacked out and possibly got very ill, a hangover at the least. But here I am, hanging out with the kiddos like the whole ordeal never happened. The amount and frequency has been getting exponentially worse. I even hid my first bottle a few days ago. Not good. I try to rationalize it by comparing myself to friends who go out several times a week. Difference? They aren't able to consume massive quantities like me. Really not good on my part, the drinking or the excuses. I've been marred with a BPD diagnosis and I can't shake it off even though I know it isn't true. I have crippling anxiety and depression and I haven't left the house in over a week. I've had extreme trauma in my past but they won't acknowledge it. The treatment would involve narcotics and they view me as a drug seeker because I smoked pot all day everyday, for over three months. So basically I am self-medicating and I feel like I have no hope or options in regards to my own care.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: SE Michigan
Posts: 1,066
(((hugs)))
Actually you have plenty of options...AA, SMART Recovery, an addictions counselor, therapy for your co-morbid conditions. Many here have "dual diagnoses" so you're definitely not alone...it's common. Most likely you will need to get medical help for your brain cooties along with help for quitting drinking.
As your alcolism progresses, you will probably find that your "super-normal" ability to handle it goes the way of the Dodo....I just posted about this. I am doing AA plus an addiction-savvy counselor and a psychiatrist for the brain cootie and meds stuff.
Actually you have plenty of options...AA, SMART Recovery, an addictions counselor, therapy for your co-morbid conditions. Many here have "dual diagnoses" so you're definitely not alone...it's common. Most likely you will need to get medical help for your brain cooties along with help for quitting drinking.
As your alcolism progresses, you will probably find that your "super-normal" ability to handle it goes the way of the Dodo....I just posted about this. I am doing AA plus an addiction-savvy counselor and a psychiatrist for the brain cootie and meds stuff.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,359
Hi loss and welcome to SR 
Yes any 'normal' drinker would indeed be suffering after a litre of vodka. At my worst I was on a litre a day and could function quite well - the reason being - I was never sober, I was constantly drunk. Not falling over, incapable drunk - just ok.. that's how high my tolerance was. So I would say you are not sober, you feel ok because you are still drunk. That amount of alcohol has not worn off 4 hours later.
I also had extreme anxiety and have suffered from depression for years. Needless to say and I'm sure you know this - most of it was down to the drink. I only joined this site just over 3 weeks ago, it hasn't been an easy ride by any step of the imagination, certainly not perfect - however my anxiety has decreased a 100 fold, I've done more in this last 3 weeks than I have done the last 3 years. You can help yourself, and you can make a start on getting better if you feel you will not get any outside care.
What is your plan? Are you ready to stop? Do you want to stop? What would you like to happen? We are all here for you and listening.
Yes any 'normal' drinker would indeed be suffering after a litre of vodka. At my worst I was on a litre a day and could function quite well - the reason being - I was never sober, I was constantly drunk. Not falling over, incapable drunk - just ok.. that's how high my tolerance was. So I would say you are not sober, you feel ok because you are still drunk. That amount of alcohol has not worn off 4 hours later.
I also had extreme anxiety and have suffered from depression for years. Needless to say and I'm sure you know this - most of it was down to the drink. I only joined this site just over 3 weeks ago, it hasn't been an easy ride by any step of the imagination, certainly not perfect - however my anxiety has decreased a 100 fold, I've done more in this last 3 weeks than I have done the last 3 years. You can help yourself, and you can make a start on getting better if you feel you will not get any outside care.
What is your plan? Are you ready to stop? Do you want to stop? What would you like to happen? We are all here for you and listening.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
The 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and regular meeting attendance over the years has enabled me to get and stay sober and address the numerous character flaws/defects that many of us suffer from.
I suggest you Google and read AA's "How It Works" and "The Doctors Opinion"... see if you can relate to those texts.
All the best in your recovery.
Bob R
I suggest you Google and read AA's "How It Works" and "The Doctors Opinion"... see if you can relate to those texts.
All the best in your recovery.
Bob R
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 4
It's just very frustrating because I tried a couple different counselors and they won't form their own opinions and basically once you get slapped with BPD, it sticks. If you try to fight it, it just reinforces the notion. They are of the mind-set that it is what causes my "addictive personality" and treating it will go a long way. Everything else was minimized and I did have a rule 25 a few months ago and I tried getting the recommendations from it but they refuse to get back to me. I have to wait until next year for another one and also for a diagnostic assessment because insurance has it capped that way. I've considered meetings but anxiety stops me from it. I did register on the SMARTrecovery website and I'm still trying to figure it out and coming by 90 solid minutes for the meetings is tough to come by but their PDF worksheets seem helpful. They seem to be based on midfullness the DBT (which I failed at) but maybe on my own, I can get it. I don't want to carry on this way and I know that my number one priority is stopping the excuses. I just feel so stupid and ashamed about it that I haven't let anyone help (not that I have a very good support system anyhow.) I have so much potential and I'm throwing it all away. I've already noticed I'm not as "smart" as I used to be and I know I'm destroying my body. I wish I had someone to guide me through this. People take a no pity approach, but I don't want pity I did this to myself, but I don't want shame and ridicule, just support.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,145
Hello and welcome to SR. We're glad you're here.
Sorry to hear that things have been rough for you. I suffer with depression and anxiety, too - you'll be surprised to know that there are MANY, MANY people on these boards who are in the same boat - and as has already been mentioned, when I sobered up both the depression and the anxiety became more manageable. I'm not saying it goes away completely, because it doesn't - but looking at life through sober eyes and being able to deal with things better without the blanket of alcohol really helps. It also helps that being sober gives us something to celebrate - it gives us a sense of pride and suddenly, life doesn't seem so bad after all. Being sober also means that we're not beating ourselves up daily for the embarrassing/shameful/horrible things that happen whilst we drink and though we still feel guilt and remorse for our past, we know that we're doing all we can to move forward and change that, and so we can learn to forgive ourselves.
The quantity of alcohol that you drink and how often you drink it are irrelevant, I feel - if you believe that alcohol has become a problem for you and that it is making your life difficult to manage, then it is something that needs addressing.
This website is a wonderful place... there is so much support here, so much knowledge and experience.
I wish you all the best.
Sorry to hear that things have been rough for you. I suffer with depression and anxiety, too - you'll be surprised to know that there are MANY, MANY people on these boards who are in the same boat - and as has already been mentioned, when I sobered up both the depression and the anxiety became more manageable. I'm not saying it goes away completely, because it doesn't - but looking at life through sober eyes and being able to deal with things better without the blanket of alcohol really helps. It also helps that being sober gives us something to celebrate - it gives us a sense of pride and suddenly, life doesn't seem so bad after all. Being sober also means that we're not beating ourselves up daily for the embarrassing/shameful/horrible things that happen whilst we drink and though we still feel guilt and remorse for our past, we know that we're doing all we can to move forward and change that, and so we can learn to forgive ourselves.
The quantity of alcohol that you drink and how often you drink it are irrelevant, I feel - if you believe that alcohol has become a problem for you and that it is making your life difficult to manage, then it is something that needs addressing.
This website is a wonderful place... there is so much support here, so much knowledge and experience.
I wish you all the best.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,359
Originally Posted by lossofcontrol 
It's just very frustrating because I tried a couple different counselors and they won't form their own opinions and basically once you get slapped with BPD, it sticks. If you try to fight it, it just reinforces the notion. They are of the mind-set that it is what causes my "addictive personality" and treating it will go a long way. Everything else was minimized and I did have a rule 25 a few months ago and I tried getting the recommendations from it but they refuse to get back to me. I have to wait until next year for another one and also for a diagnostic assessment because insurance has it capped that way. I've considered meetings but anxiety stops me from it. I did register on the SMARTrecovery website and I'm still trying to figure it out and coming by 90 solid minutes for the meetings is tough to come by but their PDF worksheets seem helpful. They seem to be based on midfullness the DBT (which I failed at) but maybe on my own, I can get it. I don't want to carry on this way and I know that my number one priority is stopping the excuses. I just feel so stupid and ashamed about it that I haven't let anyone help (not that I have a very good support system anyhow.) I have so much potential and I'm throwing it all away. I've already noticed I'm not as "smart" as I used to be and I know I'm destroying my body. I wish I had someone to guide me through this. People take a no pity approach, but I don't want pity I did this to myself, but I don't want shame and ridicule, just support.
I'm really pleased that you are reaching out and making progress in spite of outside setbacks. Keep at it and keep posting
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
i'm bipolar and couldn't get any relief until i got off the alcohol to let my medication work. it took me going to AA daily to break my cycle (that's just what worked for me). the important thing for me was clearing out the alcohol from my system so my medication would finally have a fighting chance. it also took a lot of trial and error to get me on the right cocktail of meds to treat all of my symptoms. i hope you're able to get with someone who's willing to work with you to find what works but you have no hope of finding the right meds without getting sober and to stay sober you'll probably need to get on the right mix of meds. kind of a Catch-22. have you considered rehab or is that an option? that's where i was able to sober up enough to get my meds straight. i relapsed a couple of times afterwards and eventually got straight by going to AA and was able to tweak my meds after that but rehab got me hooked up with a therapist and a psych which was instrumental in my rehab.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: SE Michigan
Posts: 1,066
Hey loss, it can be a bit of a crapshoot finding a good counselor/therapist! Not all are equal, and you need to find a good fit for you.
I've also been dx/d with BP and a bunch of other things; which is fine but I encourage you to research everything you're told with a healthy dose of skepticism. But if you need meds to function, that's OK.
Many of us drunks are not very good at obeying authority or asking for help, you're not alone there! Just stay informed and prepare to be humble.
I've also been dx/d with BP and a bunch of other things; which is fine but I encourage you to research everything you're told with a healthy dose of skepticism. But if you need meds to function, that's OK.
Many of us drunks are not very good at obeying authority or asking for help, you're not alone there! Just stay informed and prepare to be humble.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,473
Welcome!
We have lots of support here so you can always come here for support. I know it can be frustrating to deal with mental health issues, but don't give up. SMART could be a good plan for you, so I hope you keep working at it.
I self-medicated too, to deal with depression/anxiety/insomnia because I was unable to get a dr to really listen to me. It was such a mistake. So, finally I found a dr who listened and got me on the right medication. As others have said, counselling could be a good option for you.
We have lots of support here so you can always come here for support. I know it can be frustrating to deal with mental health issues, but don't give up. SMART could be a good plan for you, so I hope you keep working at it.
I self-medicated too, to deal with depression/anxiety/insomnia because I was unable to get a dr to really listen to me. It was such a mistake. So, finally I found a dr who listened and got me on the right medication. As others have said, counselling could be a good option for you.
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