DisplacedGRITS

i posted my first blog just on a whim because after posting in a thread i thought i needed to further explore a topic for myself. well, i've never been much of a journal keeping person and i suppose part of it is because i couldn't quiet the voice in my head long enough to really write anything down on paper. people say write it down on paper to get it out of your head but that never made sense to me since no matter how much i ever wrote there was always a constant stream of dialogue so why bother? even now, i'm getting a little rushed and i realize i need to tone it down a little or i'll be up all night. i took my sleep meds hours ago and in my stubbornness have pushed through them.

i can't stop crying. i didn't realize until just now how screwed up i am. i don't "hear voices" to say but i had a constant voice all my life that wasn't manageable until my medication. my fall into paranoia and schizophrenia...i've been blind to all of these things until now. i'd chosen to forget all the times i'd laughed manically to myself. all the crazy, rapid, out loud, one-sided conversations i had with myself. putting on my makeup and pretending it was a mask and in a very broken was it made me happy that no one knew that it wasn't really me they were seeing. because i was batsh*t crazy. oh my god. that was me. i don't know how to deal with that right now. i'm just...i don't know. i don't freaking know. oh my god. oh my god.

artsoul

OK - you're going to get through this...... You're a great person, Displaced, and you need to reassure yourself right now. You know, we all have some amount of mental illness - even so-called "normal" people. When I studied psychology, I just knew I had every mental deformity under the sun! Somehow, we plod along anyway.

Take some deep breaths and try to be present in the moment - in this very moment you're OK. You're having a lot of strong emotions right now and they're very scary, but they can't hurt you. I'm here with you, Dis, you're not alone........

DisplacedGRITS

thanks artsoul. i'm just...i think i put all of that in a corner and shoved it away. it's like i keep fragmenting. i know i need to tuck all this away for my therapist so we can discuss this. i'm going to print out my blog for her. i'm just starting to worry. is this the real me? or is something going to change one day and this me is going to get broken off and tucked in a box and shoved in a corner?

Dee74

We've known each other for a while now DG...you're as sane and together as the rest of us, I reckon....take that as you will

Sometimes I think we can really pick at something and get so carried away with the picking away we don;t notice what we're uncovering.

Try not to let things run away with you.

Maybe stop the journal for tonight and try and get some rest - or do something relaxing, something normal and reassuring

D

artsoul

It's not who you are, no..... We evolve and change all the time, and through it all I believe who we really are down deep is something loving and whole. Stuff comes up, for sure, and I cringe when I think of some of my really crazy times. I've had times when I've broken down. On the other hand I've have times when I've broken through. I think it's all part of it.

crewisms

Hey displaced. The world we live in sets a seriously misguided standard for being someone, which is usually someone other than ourselves.

Through nearly three decades of massive success, I always found a way to drink my way to being someone other than who I was. Alcohol was my makeup. It wasn't until recently I realized how cool it is to simply be me. It turns out that the way I was born was not only just fine, but the best thing that ever happened to me.

Jeni26

Here for you xxx

I don't have experience of schizophrenia, my issues have been with depression and anxiety. Anorexia in the past, but overcome now. Our mental health changes as we become sober, I'm just realising that. We start to face things that for a long time have stayed buried. The meds we are prescribed affect us differently as they are not working in conjunction with alcohol.
It may be time for a review of your meds.

Please remember its ok to cry. It's ok to question things. But don't be overwhelmed by these feelings.
You are a wonderful person who is undergoing huge life changes. Positive life changes. There will be people who can help, don't despair.
You are not alone xxx

NewBeginning010

As artsoul said... take some deep breaths & everything will be ok. A lot of raw emotions come up after we stop drinking/poisoning our mind, body & spirit. I remember having some big breakdowns in the beginning... heck even now. But I have realized that they are not actually bread-downs but breakthroughs ;-)

We have repressed a lot of emotions & feelings with our drinking & finally looking at we we are at & some of the mistakes we made can be tough work. Its worth it in the end, I promise.

Make an appointment with your doctor & discuss your feelings & where you are at, they are here to help you.

Take care & keep posting/sharing.

Sincerely~~NB

Edit: I only saw the first post when I posted about breakdowns/breakthroughs... so cool to see that we are all on the same page regarding this & dealing with the past & moving forward. We are all on the same path. You can do this

EternalQ

Displaced,
You are a wise, loving, helpful soul, who sounds very very tired. You help all of us, now let us All.help you. Close your eyes, and we will all keep our eyes open as you sleep.

It is our turn to stand guard now. It is safe for you to sleep.Now close your eyes and repeat, it is safe for me to fall asleep. SR is here. Say it again and again. Let us know how you are tomorrow. We care. But tonight, lay your weary head and rest. Xxoo

DisplacedGRITS

thanks guys. i think i really do need to sleep. this hit me heavy. i'm leaving a message tomorrow with my therapist and letting her know i need to talk with her ASAP. i know my pattern and i know i will sweep this under the rug very soon, smile and grin and make the unpleasant things go away. i'm just glad that i'm together enough now to have the courage to face these things. now that they're written down it feels more real. it's a lot to chew on and that's not even all of it. thanks again everyone. i'll be better tomorrow. have a good evening, friends.

crewisms

Displaced: I think that's the wrong name for you. I've only been around for a couple months in this forum, but your name to me is love. Sleep tonight. Wake up tomorrow knowing that there is a tremendous amount of love for you just the way you are. And thank you for having the courage to post where you are in life. That's as real as real gets. It's a beautiful thing to be vulnerable. A huge hug for you.

neferkamichael

Yes DisplacedGRITS, you help all of us, now let all of us help you. I see you here all the time and I read your threads and posts. Its gives me the strength to keep moving in the right direction. Unfortunately when we deprive our bodies of chemical substances that it is accustomed to having it can drive you batsh*t crazy. Regretably it takes time for our bodies to change for the better. By the way, you are FANTASTIC.

mecanix

My mum is a paranoid schizophrenic , Her voices are actual auditory hallucinations along with smells and taste . The negative side is real lack of motivation , she averages about 22 hrs in bed and has a very stilted way of talking sometimes sluring . Sometimes the paranoia has gone as far as her wanting to kill me ( i just put lots of obsticals in my room, shes got pritty poor eyesight , fingers crossed ) .

I would'nt jump to the conclusion you have paranoid schizophrenia. Just take things day by day, keep doing what you're doing, you are doing brilliantly B.T.W. Mums been this way for 30 years, life today is O.K. , tommorow is unknown i never even think about it, let's just do today ...

M

sugarbear1

Let yourself keep healing. Glad you are going to talk with your therapist.

Love,

Innerchild

YOu are a great person dont beat yourself up. Be kind to yourself and remember this moment shall pass. Its a good thing that you wrote down your feelings maybe you needed that release of emotions because you have held them inside. You are a strong person and you are doing great. Its okay to cry. Hugs and I hope you are feeling better

changer

eq-
that was beautiful....

aeo1313

Breathe!! What I have done was print out my posting threads on here for my therapist. Then I knew I wouldn't forget what I wanted to say and he would be able to hear how I felt in the moment bc usually by the time I had an appointment the urgent feelings were passed.

I don't have any personal experiences with voices or disconnect from reality but I have a lot of experience with depression and eating disorders. I know what's its like to feel lost and confused and different.

Your posts here mean the world to me and I read every one of them. You are a beautiful woman with wonderful things to say. Let us surround you right now with love. Sit, relax, sleep, and know we've got your back.

Ann

Stevie1

Displaced, others said it more eloquently...you are tired, imperfect (as we all are) and struggling...but you are also wise and kind and strong, from what I know of you.
I hope you feel better today.

Orbea

DG,

Hugs dear! I don't really know what to say that will help, but hopefully you have comfort knowing that your SR family is here for you. Hugs!

regeneration

Displaced, I don't post on here loads but I always like reading your posts. I don't know what it's like to have schizophrenia, but I've had depression and acted pretty borderline in the past... I'm finding when sober I can see a lot of "issues" now but don't beat yourself up for your mental health ('m trying not to!)

We're all human, none of us perfect, and you always seem so warm to me. Go easy on yourself in between the therapy and ongoing work, do something special for yourself.

Someone on here has the signature "everything is an attempt to be human", which is my mantra at the moment, so thank you to whoever that is.