Messed up right now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: London, England
Posts: 724
Messed up right now.
Got back from London yesterday, and... well, things aren't so good.
I thought that when we together, I wouldn't want to drink. That was wrong.
He told me that some Saturdays, he'd be with his mates for a 'boys night out' and all I could think was 'Hey, flat to myself... get the drink in.' On Wednesday I was watching a film, but thinking, 'So, where can I hide the bottles?'
And then I got back. It was raining, the buses were running very late. I finally got home after collecting mum from the old folks home. I checked to see how my student loan application was going on, and found I'd forgotten where the capital letters went in my password...
I weighed myself, and found I'd got fat. I'd been crabby all day. From problems with my oyster card to struggling with the student loan website, everything had got to me. Oh yes, and the light had gone in the front room.
I'd had enough.
Everything I'd thought I'd got back since quitting... was just smoke and mirrors. I phoned my fiance, and told him how I felt. I wish I hadn't.
I woke up this morning feeling just as angry as I had last night. I spent most of the day in bed with a headache that nothing would shift. That was a good thing, because there was only one thing I wanted to do. Only one thing I'd wanted to do since I got back from London. Get drunk. And it's a bit hard to do that when you're asleep.
It's late. And I'm going to call it a day. I'm too tired to do much at the moment. I ended up buying that bottle of vodka I've been promising Catherine (my AV) for the last few weeks. I'm managing to ignore it at the moment. I'd only gone in for milk, but at the last moment, I changed my mind. Nearly missed my bus back home as a result.
I know what I should do. I just can't. I've been just hanging on for so long, that I've run out of strength. Why? Because I can't find the courage to ask anyone to be my sponsor. Because I can't do step one. And Catherine has been getting louder and louder the last few days.
And now I daren't tell my fiance what I've done. He's been really supportive, but... I'm scared. Because things got a bit serious last night. Was I really going to "throw us away? ...throw university away?"
I don't want to do that. So why didn't I walk out of the shop the first time?
Why did I turn back? What the **** is wrong with me?
I thought that when we together, I wouldn't want to drink. That was wrong.
He told me that some Saturdays, he'd be with his mates for a 'boys night out' and all I could think was 'Hey, flat to myself... get the drink in.' On Wednesday I was watching a film, but thinking, 'So, where can I hide the bottles?'
And then I got back. It was raining, the buses were running very late. I finally got home after collecting mum from the old folks home. I checked to see how my student loan application was going on, and found I'd forgotten where the capital letters went in my password...
I weighed myself, and found I'd got fat. I'd been crabby all day. From problems with my oyster card to struggling with the student loan website, everything had got to me. Oh yes, and the light had gone in the front room.
I'd had enough.
Everything I'd thought I'd got back since quitting... was just smoke and mirrors. I phoned my fiance, and told him how I felt. I wish I hadn't.
I woke up this morning feeling just as angry as I had last night. I spent most of the day in bed with a headache that nothing would shift. That was a good thing, because there was only one thing I wanted to do. Only one thing I'd wanted to do since I got back from London. Get drunk. And it's a bit hard to do that when you're asleep.
It's late. And I'm going to call it a day. I'm too tired to do much at the moment. I ended up buying that bottle of vodka I've been promising Catherine (my AV) for the last few weeks. I'm managing to ignore it at the moment. I'd only gone in for milk, but at the last moment, I changed my mind. Nearly missed my bus back home as a result.
I know what I should do. I just can't. I've been just hanging on for so long, that I've run out of strength. Why? Because I can't find the courage to ask anyone to be my sponsor. Because I can't do step one. And Catherine has been getting louder and louder the last few days.
And now I daren't tell my fiance what I've done. He's been really supportive, but... I'm scared. Because things got a bit serious last night. Was I really going to "throw us away? ...throw university away?"
I don't want to do that. So why didn't I walk out of the shop the first time?
Why did I turn back? What the **** is wrong with me?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,435
Try to relax Emily.
Many of us have had falters and falls.
The important thing to do now is focus on priorities - get back on the right road.
Thats the priority - you can work out the other stuff and all the white noise later with a clearer head.
Go get some sleep - and get rid of that bottle of vodka. Dump it, erase it., remove it from your life
Tomorrow is another day
Welcome back
D
Many of us have had falters and falls.
The important thing to do now is focus on priorities - get back on the right road.
Thats the priority - you can work out the other stuff and all the white noise later with a clearer head.
Go get some sleep - and get rid of that bottle of vodka. Dump it, erase it., remove it from your life
Tomorrow is another day
Welcome back
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: London
Posts: 299
Hello - can you chuck it out/pour it down the drain? London and the rain sucks at the moment. But this is just one day out of the bigger picture. Put the booze out of it, remove it from the equation. You have come on here, so you know you are fighting it.
Just because you think about it, it doesn't have to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. This isn't about your fiance, it's about you and your needs. Try to get rid of it, go to sleep, read, watch a movie. Then tomorrow is another day. You can get over this one.
Just because you think about it, it doesn't have to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. This isn't about your fiance, it's about you and your needs. Try to get rid of it, go to sleep, read, watch a movie. Then tomorrow is another day. You can get over this one.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: East Coast, The States
Posts: 12,162
Emily, you wrote us for a reason. You want to borrow our reason. The reasonable thing to do is to not do anything when you are this wound up. Your judgement and decision making will be more reliable in the morning.
If you haven't done so, go throw out the vodka. Go on. Do that.
Then tell yourself you will reconsider all decisions in the morning. You are POSTPONING your decisionmaking is all. You can do that.
If you haven't done so, go throw out the vodka. Go on. Do that.
Then tell yourself you will reconsider all decisions in the morning. You are POSTPONING your decisionmaking is all. You can do that.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
You have the power and the wisdom to make the right choice, and you know what the choice is, I know you do. Whatever the difficulties you are experiencing now, you can make each one of them worse by pouring that vodka into a glass. Accept nothing less than the life that you deserve, the booze goes in the toilet. Flush it down, say goodbye, and smile because you have done a great and powerful thing.
AA member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: United Kingdom.
Posts: 3,007
Sorry you are struggling.
Please tip the booze down the drain,you really dont want to be starting at day one again.A drink will most certainly make you feel worse,it just isnt worth it.
Wishing you well.
Please tip the booze down the drain,you really dont want to be starting at day one again.A drink will most certainly make you feel worse,it just isnt worth it.
Wishing you well.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Home - there's no place like Home
Posts: 974
Bravery and wisdom are in your post, Emily. Catherine does not care about you and she knows you are moving forward without her. Keep her silent. She can't force you to drink. Dump the poison and revel in your victory. You are doing great! Keep moving forward - this too shall pass.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,502
Emily, the voice is getting louder because it knows you're getting stronger, not weaker. So, get rid of the alcohol and take a deep breath. You're going to get through this and next time will be a bit easier.
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
Emily, hang up the phone with Catherine for now. She's a selfish b*tch and only cares about getting what she wants. You need to take care of yourself right now and pour that bottle out. That bottle is Catherine's speaker phone so of course she wants it. Giving in to her won't weaken her or quiet her. It jusr settles her deeper down into you and makes her gloat. You have the real power in the end. Your body, your will your hand, your choice. We can support you but we can't pour the bottle out for you. Hang up the phone with Catherine and do what you know you need to do for yourself. You win.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Middle of no where, oklahoma
Posts: 2,696
Your an alcoholic like the rest of us. Your struggling and you reached out which takes strength. Use that same strength to get rid of the v.
Cut yourself some slack right now and be kind to yourself. People care about you here.
Remember, you are a gift
Lotsa love
K
Cut yourself some slack right now and be kind to yourself. People care about you here.
Remember, you are a gift
Lotsa love
K
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Auckland NZ
Posts: 90
I hear a lot of fear. Thoughts giving rise to emotions but they are only thoughts. You came here for help. Might I suggest if you are feeling overwhelmed that you tip out the vodka, have a good cry, then find a feelgood movie and snuggle up in a warm blanket and treat yourself in a manner that is actually good for you.
Vodka is not a treat it's disgusting soul stealing rubbish. The hardest times are always followed by a beautiful sunrise of a new day. This is growing pains, it will be ok unless you choose to self destruct.
You can't hurt yourself enough to make things better, it doesn't work like that.
Love yourself, and might I suggest prayer.
Vodka is not a treat it's disgusting soul stealing rubbish. The hardest times are always followed by a beautiful sunrise of a new day. This is growing pains, it will be ok unless you choose to self destruct.
You can't hurt yourself enough to make things better, it doesn't work like that.
Love yourself, and might I suggest prayer.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Thinking of you Emily.
Moving to London, giving up alcohol, planning on studying, making a life with your fiancé-all huge life changes. All positive. No wonder Catherine is stamping her feet and screaming!!
Tip that vodka, take plenty of rest, never make decisions when you're tired.
Keep posting, we're all here for you xxx
Moving to London, giving up alcohol, planning on studying, making a life with your fiancé-all huge life changes. All positive. No wonder Catherine is stamping her feet and screaming!!
Tip that vodka, take plenty of rest, never make decisions when you're tired.
Keep posting, we're all here for you xxx
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Nothing's wrong with you, Emily.... (in fact, you should feel good about yourself for all the sober days you've had). You have a lot going on right now and had one of those days when nothing goes right. Maybe you're experiencing PAWS, too.
I don't have as many days like that now as I did early on, but I know the feeling of being overwhelmed and tired, just wanting to say "f it". As I see it now, I think my own negative thinking/self-talk (and taking on too much) played into that and I needed to make changes in the way I treated myself.
Hope you're having a good sleep - sometimes that will work wonders!
I don't have as many days like that now as I did early on, but I know the feeling of being overwhelmed and tired, just wanting to say "f it". As I see it now, I think my own negative thinking/self-talk (and taking on too much) played into that and I needed to make changes in the way I treated myself.
Hope you're having a good sleep - sometimes that will work wonders!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: London, England
Posts: 724
Well, I've just had breakfast. Thanks everyone for your encouragement. I dunno if it does mean that or not, but I always think of it as 'giving courage to'. And... I need that at the moment. I'm going to get some fresh air in a bit. Mum needs some stockings, and that's a good reason to go out.
I'm not going to rush into anything, or make any decisions at the moment. I know that these feelings won't last, and if I can get through the next few days then I'll be ok, or at least, better.
Love and hugs to you all.
I'm not going to rush into anything, or make any decisions at the moment. I know that these feelings won't last, and if I can get through the next few days then I'll be ok, or at least, better.
Love and hugs to you all.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 328
Hi Emily! Goodness, this may be the first time we been awake together in this forum. Aye, I can feel what you are going through. There is a ray of light in there. Posting, blasting your feelings right here is such an inspiration to all of us...
Are you ok right now? Please know that we love you.
Are you ok right now? Please know that we love you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: London, England
Posts: 724
Crumbs...
Well, I'm feeling better than this morning. I've got to pop out and get some butter. I've got some baking to do this afternoon. Taking some muffintarts to tonight's meeting instead of tomorrow's. Just in case I don't get chance to bake tomorrow.
Had chicken and potatoes for dinner, which was good.
And yes, life is good. Or soon will be. And, in some ways, that's scarier than when things are bad.
Thanks everybody. I'm glad to be here. And I know that, without your help, without your support, I'd be back to day one. Or maybe be stuck at day zero.
grouphug:
Well, I'm feeling better than this morning. I've got to pop out and get some butter. I've got some baking to do this afternoon. Taking some muffintarts to tonight's meeting instead of tomorrow's. Just in case I don't get chance to bake tomorrow.
Had chicken and potatoes for dinner, which was good.
And yes, life is good. Or soon will be. And, in some ways, that's scarier than when things are bad.
Thanks everybody. I'm glad to be here. And I know that, without your help, without your support, I'd be back to day one. Or maybe be stuck at day zero.
grouphug:
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 268
Glad you're feeling better Emily! You've always been SO great with advice and your strength is so admirable. It has been a blessing having you around these boards.
We all have those times unfortunately... I always joke to my friend about things "always falling..." You have those days where NOTHING is going right. You know separately, most of it isn't that bad-- but they keep happening. You walk around your house, you grab one thing and other things fall. You walk somewhere else, grab another thing... Everything falls... Then stupid, frustrating, things happen -- like forgetting your password, the light going out... It feels like everything is falling. Good for you for getting through it. Some times I feel like these times are harder than when the REALLY bad things happen.
Hugs to you!!
We all have those times unfortunately... I always joke to my friend about things "always falling..." You have those days where NOTHING is going right. You know separately, most of it isn't that bad-- but they keep happening. You walk around your house, you grab one thing and other things fall. You walk somewhere else, grab another thing... Everything falls... Then stupid, frustrating, things happen -- like forgetting your password, the light going out... It feels like everything is falling. Good for you for getting through it. Some times I feel like these times are harder than when the REALLY bad things happen.
Hugs to you!!
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