Wow! I am so excited over this connection.
Grateful AA member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: In the middle of the woods, NJ
Posts: 567
Wow! I am so excited over this connection.
After my emotional breakdown yesterday I went to the BB meeting and we read the last story which touched upon how I was feeling and I could relate to the guy who wrote it. I cried and expressed my feelings and told to have some patience. This morning I woke up and spent some time with just my HP and I. I also read quite a few chapters in the BB such as "We agnostics" and reflected my feelings on self-will and surrendering to God. Now I know why I became so angry with myself and the program.
I am an impatient control freak. When I want something I want it now. Why am I praying everyday and I still crave a beer and not as spiritually fit as everyone else in the program. Why? because its all or nothing when it comes to me.
Tonight I went to the Step meeting at the same Church with the same people and guess what????????????? My conflict with this whole self will idea was dicussed. Many alcoholics have the same traits, such as grandiose ideas, perfectionism, control issues, need approval from everyone, and extra sensitivity. WOW, I felt so connected with everyone in the room. Even people with years behind them feel the same way as me. After the meeting one girl around my age came up to me and thanked me for sharing she really needed to hear this bc she feels the same exact way. Once I shared at another meeting on the similar subject which got another newcomer to raise her hand thanking me for sharing bc she felt alone too.
I believe God wanted me to hear this message and it makes more sense to me gives me more hope. I have to let go of my self will, I try and control everything, if I dont do something perfectly I feel like a failure, this is where I am screwing up. This is where I must surrender in order to allow God to work his magic on his time not my time.
What an epiphany
I am an impatient control freak. When I want something I want it now. Why am I praying everyday and I still crave a beer and not as spiritually fit as everyone else in the program. Why? because its all or nothing when it comes to me.
Tonight I went to the Step meeting at the same Church with the same people and guess what????????????? My conflict with this whole self will idea was dicussed. Many alcoholics have the same traits, such as grandiose ideas, perfectionism, control issues, need approval from everyone, and extra sensitivity. WOW, I felt so connected with everyone in the room. Even people with years behind them feel the same way as me. After the meeting one girl around my age came up to me and thanked me for sharing she really needed to hear this bc she feels the same exact way. Once I shared at another meeting on the similar subject which got another newcomer to raise her hand thanking me for sharing bc she felt alone too.
I believe God wanted me to hear this message and it makes more sense to me gives me more hope. I have to let go of my self will, I try and control everything, if I dont do something perfectly I feel like a failure, this is where I am screwing up. This is where I must surrender in order to allow God to work his magic on his time not my time.
What an epiphany
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 32
I missed your post yesterday, as I just arrived here today. It is really quite amazing when something that has really been gnawing at you finally clicks! Congratulations!
The last few years I had been under the impression that I was the only person in the world who was feeling the way I was. I've learned a lot in the last two months, and delight in those a-ha! moments!
The last few years I had been under the impression that I was the only person in the world who was feeling the way I was. I've learned a lot in the last two months, and delight in those a-ha! moments!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Auckland NZ
Posts: 90
Outstanding post.
My will is my worst enemy, it leads me to obsession, trying to control, EGO run riot. I nearly lost my mind and killed myself through running on my will. My will took me to a place of extreme darkness, bewilderment and desperation where I lost all hope and I remained that way for almost a year. Something had to break, thankfully, it was my will that broke.
My Higher Power's will for me is to have peace, contentment, love, joy, faith and compassion.
When I chose to try and accept that everything is exactly as it is, and that I am powerless to change anyone but myself, a paradigm shift happened.
Let Go and Let God. My favourite AA slogan. I also do work on this directly using EFT which is a combo of acupressure and affirmations. You can find this tool on you tube search Brad Yates "Let Go and Let God". There are many other subjects Brad covers that have helped me as well. Brad (for me)is a gift from God, check him out if you wish.
My will is my worst enemy, it leads me to obsession, trying to control, EGO run riot. I nearly lost my mind and killed myself through running on my will. My will took me to a place of extreme darkness, bewilderment and desperation where I lost all hope and I remained that way for almost a year. Something had to break, thankfully, it was my will that broke.
My Higher Power's will for me is to have peace, contentment, love, joy, faith and compassion.
When I chose to try and accept that everything is exactly as it is, and that I am powerless to change anyone but myself, a paradigm shift happened.
Let Go and Let God. My favourite AA slogan. I also do work on this directly using EFT which is a combo of acupressure and affirmations. You can find this tool on you tube search Brad Yates "Let Go and Let God". There are many other subjects Brad covers that have helped me as well. Brad (for me)is a gift from God, check him out if you wish.
Grateful AA member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: In the middle of the woods, NJ
Posts: 567
Thanks everyone, I know what I must work on to remain sober. I was listening to a Laws of Attraction audio book last night fell asleep to it hoping it will embed itself into my subconsious and listened to more this morning on gratitude. I must tell myself that I am sober instead of I dont want to drink bc the phase "I dont want to drink" is negative. I really need to change my thoughts to stay sober.
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