bibliofagos

So, it's the strangest thing. I've been drinking heavily for about nine or ten years. I started off as a binge drinker, then steadily ramped up to daily drinking. Through it all, I've managed to do things I'm proud of in my life and in my career. Somehow the drinking never caught up to me. The tragedy of it was entirely private. Outside, fine, a bit of a lush but no big deal. Inside, enslaved and crippled by shame. I always carried around anxiety over where my next drink would be and how I could secretly get drunker than I appeared and how to replace the booze that I drank before my roommates or friends noticed... etc, etc, etc.

And then something bizarre happened. A big change happened at work and I realized how unhappy I'd been, and how hopeful I am now. And then I just quit. I wasn't expecting it, I just knew all of a sudden that I had to do it RIGHT THEN or maybe my luck would start running out and I'd have to start paying this major karmic bill that I've run up.

It's been ten days now, mostly. I drank at a friend's wedding this weekend, and one night last week I had a couple (2) shots before bed when I couldn't sleep at like 3am. But I'm not too stressed about those lapses considering I'd gotten to the point where if there was alcohol in the house... and I live with a lot of people, so there usually is... and there was no one watching, I felt physically incapable of not taking a shot or a sip of wine or chugging a beer. Even in the morning. Before work. When I felt ill. And half my brain was saying no, no, no, no, no. Even when it made me throw up.

The first few days were really, really hard. But then it got easier. Way easier than I ever imagined it could be.

I'm so exhilarated. But I'm PROUD -- in the good and bad senses. My friends all know I'm a drunk, but they don't really know the extent of it. (I'm a pretty chill, sociable drunk. I can be pretty much blacked out and still hold up a conversation. This is how I've managed to keep going at the rate I have). So even though I'm now open that I'm taking a break from drinking, I can't really tell them "and I feel like someone's taken the knife away from my throat!!!" because that would involve admitting the fact that I'm an addict in the first place. I'm way too proud to do that, even if it's an open secret. I can't have that conversation, at least not yet, with anyone. I told my doctor. And I even lied to her about how much I'd been taking in. But still, I told her, that felt insanely terrifying.

So, hi, internet. I know this isn't always going to be as easy as it feels right now, but for right now, I feel so amazing. Waking up in the morning and realizing I'm not hungover feels like a gift every single day. Going to a party and realizing that I don't have to worry about saying things I'll regret later (OK, or don't have to worry as much) feels like a superpower.

God help me when the novelty wears off!! But right now, woo, what a rush!! Thanks for listening!

Pondlady

Welcome! Isn't it wonderful to feel so good? We all deserve that. Kim

Hevyn

Welcome biblio! What a great beginning to your new, sober lifestyle. Maybe the novelty will never wear off and you'll feel better each day. You are free - congratulations on this huge accomplishment.

I was the same sort of drinker that you are - but I moaned about quitting for years before I finally took the step. I was convinced life would be dull and pathetic. It's a tragedy I felt that way for so long - I lost many good years to being numb, foggy and stupid.

Here's to your new life. Glad you joined us.

DisplacedGRITS

Welcome. Don't let that feeling wear off. Try to remember every morning that you're not hungover and how good that feels. When i'm tempted by the drink, i don't have problems recalling times i drank and it was bad over times i drank and it was good. Remember not to romanticize your old drinking. Aka "the good old days." Drinking isn't a harmless game people play. If you're like many of us, it's a sad state of being that we too easily get stuck in when we are vulnerable. Congrats to you. Keep your sobriety precious!

bibliofagos

Thanks so much for the responses... I'm having my first real craving and I just told myself, "Don't go to the fridge until you check out that forum."

Your welcomes have helped talked me down. Very much appreciated!

Dee74

Welcome to SR bibliofagos

it's a great move to come here for support when you need it

D

neferkamichael

Bibliofagos, you are FANTASTIC. Thanks for the thread.

CaiHong

Hi and welcome Bibliofagos,

You really described a drinking life extremely well.

All power to you

CaiHong

Phloe

Hi! I'm new here myself today.

From my own experience, after two months the "novelty" of not waking up hungover hasn't worn off. As the above poster said, don't let it wear off!

cyriouslynot

hi bibliofagos...wow! good for you...keep up the good work!

imaquitter

I'm at about the same point but I'm not going to be slipping up anymore. It's really weird waking up in the morning and actually being conscious of the sounds and things going on in the world, lol. The fog has lifted

LoftyIdeals

Welcome, biblio, and congrats for being of to a great, new beginning!

munchkin05

Wow biblio, you sound soooo like me. I too was totally proud of my life, my career, then my son, my husband.
But secretly, behind closed doors, I was an alcoholic. Even now, its tough for me to spit it out to some. My Mom's side is big on not admitting any sort of "weakness".
Way to go and keep it up!!!

SmittyBittyBoo

Congrats! I'm new at this too and I totally get the feeling of not openly admitting addiction. I don't want to say those words to people. I don't want them to tell me "Yeah-it's about time" or "Oh you're fine!" I just don't want to talk about it.

May the novelty of waking up feeling good never wear off. I'm hoping it doesn't. I woke up with a headache today but it was wonderful knowing that it wasn't because I was drinking last night. I didn't have to second guess myself.

nonblondechef

Way to go. The narrower the path, the better the trek. Keep up the great work!