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Old 07-11-2012, 12:13 PM   #1 (permalink)
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New comer needs HELP!!!


Hi all,

Kind of a new comer here - been looking, reading and gaining alot of insight for a few weeks on SR.

My issue: I am in love with a wonderful, accomplished man who is in recovery. He is an alcoholic/addict. I have never seen him drunk or under the influence of any drug. We started this relationship about the time he decided to get sober and have been trying to hang on to each other for dear life for seven months now. He is recently divorced and going through so many things including being diagnosed as bipolar, possibly add, having sexual addiciton....the list seems to grow daily. His therapist believes that he has replaced his drug/alcohol addiction with me and that broke my heart to hear. Am I being selfish? Stupid? Not understanding and supportive? He says I battle him on everything he tries to do - note: he has been sober since day one and says I help him a great deal with staying that way. But he nows believes he is not capable of a relationship or that he is in it for the wrong reason. We get along so well most of the time until he meets with SAA or his therapist, then I become the anti-HIM....which is so not the way I feel. I support everything he does and we have decided to try to just be friends for now (although we get lonely and need each other sometimes). I love him very much and I want very badly for him to get better and be healthy but I'm afraid of losing such a special, wonderful relationship - he is my best friend

Any advice? Help!!!
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Old 07-11-2012, 12:35 PM   #2 (permalink)
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mm417,

I'll be the first to tell you that people can and do recover from, and learn to manage, addiction and mental illness.

But most of us find that it takes some time, work and effort to accomplish this. In the meantime, we typically don't make the greatest relationship partners. Just from what you've written, it sounds like this man and you have fallen into the most common trap, which is (your words): "hanging onto each other for dear life". This is most likely why his therapist is saying your friend replaced his addiction with you.

So my advice is to do exactly what you've decided, and stick to it: just be friends for now. If it is meant to be more, you will figure it out eventually. In the meantime, go live your own life. Hard though that may be, I think in the long run you won't regret it.
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Old 07-11-2012, 12:52 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Thank you for the response - I know it is the right thing to do....but it sooo hard. Meanwhile, my anxiety and fear levels are through the roof. I appreciate your comments.
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Old 07-11-2012, 01:01 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Yes, I sense that you do know the right thing to do, and of course it's hard.

Have you considered couples counselling or counselling for yourself to help you through this?
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Old 07-11-2012, 01:02 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Mm,
Sorry you are having a difficult time now. You neglected to say if you are an active drinker or other substance user. How about your therapist? A therapist may recommend what is best for that person, and it not be what another might want.

I do know what I would do. I would be taking care of me because I can't change another, they have to do that for themselves. Why not make your own appointment with a well health counselor, or if you have an active substance issue yourself one with life and addiction qualifications.

You may enhance your relationship with a change in perspective, or even find that you need to move on.

Whatever you decide I hope it helps you move forward on both fronts.
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Old 07-11-2012, 02:57 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Anna,
I don't think couples counseling is an option right now as he is so focused on only him. I have a psychiatrist-no therapist yet. I do need it though & I started al anon mtgs.

Itchy,
I'm neither an alcoholic or addict, but I fear I could be before this is done :0/ I know I should focus on me & every time I make progress something happens with him or is said that knocks me back down.

Thank you both so much-I am truly at a loss
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Old 07-11-2012, 03:03 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Al-anon is a very good idea for you. You need to take care of yourself so you don't wear yourself ragged trying to take care of him. You can't take care of someone else if you're neglecting yourself. Your self worth can't hinge on him.
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Old 07-11-2012, 03:49 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Do you trust his therapist?

I only ask because a sudden emergence of sobriety plus bi-polar plus sex addiction plus ADD plus being accused of having an unhealthy relationship (with you) seems a bit suspect. Or maybe not, but it smacks to me of an over-enthusiastic therapist who's
just discovered his or her first DSM IV and is playing with a shiny new toy!
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Of course if he is so focused on himself and his own needs that there's no room in his recovery program right now to acknowledge you and yours, then I think that whatever you can do to back off and tread water while he gets some balance in his life would be a good thing. New sobriety isn't always the best time to start a new relationship. He needs to be selfish right now, and you need to let him.
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Old 07-11-2012, 04:51 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Anna,
I don't think couples counseling is an option right now as he is so focused on only him. I have a psychiatrist-no therapist yet. I do need it though & I started al anon mtgs.

Itchy,
I'm neither an alcoholic or addict, but I fear I could be before this is done :0/ I know I should focus on me & every time I make progress something happens with him or is said that knocks me back down.

Thank you both so much-I am truly at a loss
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Old 07-11-2012, 04:57 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Oops didnt mean to post that again.
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Old 07-11-2012, 06:11 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Stevie1,

I don't really trust her, but he does & I guess that's what counts. He pretty much takes what she says as the Word....I know he has to be selfish & I want him to get better. I am trying to focus on me & let him do the same. It is tough. That's why I'm here with you guys.

Thank you all for the support!
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