Jeni26

I'm going to post because what started as a niggling thought is growing into a major thought pattern which is dangerous.
I am almost at that point I reached before I relapsed last time. That was on day 49, and I'm now on 47. I had a dream in which I drank and the feelings haven't quite left me all day. I'd got quite good at functioning without the thought of alcohol, was clear headed and focused.
But tonight...... Tonight I'm thinking a lot about it. I'm almost anticipating a relapse at the weekend. My H is working Friday night and all weekend and I will have the opportunity. I want to make it. I need to make it. Why am I doubting I will?!? This makes no sense?!?!

Titsgirl

Do you go to meetings or have a sponsor?

Anna

It was always a trigger for me to drink when my husband was away. Maybe you can try planning to be with some friends, or go to a movie you want to see or get out of the house doing something you enjoy? You can get through this.

Jeni26

Yes to both, although I couldn't make last nights meeting and may not make tomorrows as we have a guest staying with us at the moment. My sponsor works full-time and isn't easy to get hold of. I will try her again tomorrow.

Titsgirl

That is hard when you have one you can not get ahold of. I think the meetings are important, especially if you are feeling this way. Can you find a second sponsor that is more available and maybe your guest would understand that you had to go out for a bit. It is your life.

Jeni26

Thanks Anna. There are plenty of options. I usually go to a meeting Friday now as that has always been a trigger time. I'm just feeling weird about this. I need to block these thoughts. I want to make it to 50 days and beyond this time!!

Jeni26

I can't understand where this is coming from!!

Dee74

Fear can be pretty powerful Jeni - so can self doubt.

I know it really knocked you back on your heels when you relapsed last time...but that was then - this is now.

You're 47 days on from that - you have all the experience and lessons lessons learned over your combined 100 days of sobriety and you have many many options for support.

You're ready for the addictive trash talk....just remember....it's ok to feel doubt, or feel cravings...it what we do in response that counts.

If you don't want to drink this weekend, there's no reason at all why you should

Stay close to SR and other support
You can do this

D

hypochondriac

It sounds like you might just be worried that you are going to repeat the same pattern Jeni.

I relapsed after a football match when I first quit, and a month later I went again, absolutely convinced that because I gave in afterwards the first time, that I would again! All my confidence went out of the window. I guess it is just about breaking the pattern, which you are doing all the time. There's so many little patterns or conditioned responses connected with drinking that we have to change. Opportunity is a major one. What helped me was you guys I can be available if you want someone to chat to on day 49.

You've done the best thing you can by identifying this as a potential problem and telling us all about it. You'll feel ace once you get to day 50 xxx

Jeni26

Thankyou Dee. It is fear behind this. I am scared of slipping and ending up where I was, when there's absolutely no reason to. I'm doing ok, despite work stress. My life is getting better, my H is on board.
I couldn't cope with a relapse. I know it and I'm frightened.

Jeni26

Thanks Hypo. I'm getting so stressed about this, it's causing me anxiety. So ridiculous. No-one can make me drink! I just couldn't cope with it if it happened again though.

regeneration

hi Jeni, I'm at 3 and a half month's or so and I get like this at times. Dee is right.. you can feel cravings but you don't have to drink.

Try not to think yourself into it. I was going through this last week and pulled out what I could (meetings I liked, spoke to friends, euphoric recall). Today I thought "well, I'll drink again one day", then I said to myself "actually no, I won't, I have a choice". It was then made easier by a friend calling me who'd been on a bender (she rarely does) and she sounded awful 2 days later, and told me she wasn't going to bother. She doesn't even have an issue, it was just the realisation for her that drink is a poison.

Do all you can, this will pass. You can do it.

artsoul

Being alone was always a trigger for me, too. Sounds like you need a plan, something to look forward to.....?

You know that drinking is only going to put you back where you started and you'll have to go through all of this all over again because you don't want alcohol running your life. We used to get all romantic about drinking poison to shut our brains off and it's all in our heads. You're going to feel so much better about yourself if you don't drink. :ghug3

desertsong

Jeni, it doesn't have to happen again. I know so well how you're feeling right now, but remember ... they're just feelings. They have no power. Don't talk yourself into thinking, "Well, around this time the last time I got sober, I relapsed. I just might do it again." That's exactly how relapses happen ... we plan them in our heads before we actually do them. So get out of your head and get into something else. Call someone. Read a book. Go for a walk. Do some baking. Organize your closet. Do some crossword puzzles. You don't have to let that voice win ... you know where it wants you to go and you already know that you don't want to go through that hell again.

One thing I used to do when I'd get to feeling that way is to sit down and journal it. Write down how you're feeling. Get mad if you have to. Then write down what happened to you the last time you got drunk. How did you feel? What did you do? What were the repercussions? Was it fun? Sometimes seeing that reality on paper brings back the awful memories of those times. We drunks have short memories .... the further away we get from our last drunk, the memories of it fade. Well, don't let them fade. Write them down - every ugly detail. That has a way of bringing those memories closer to the surface where you can see them in all their vivid detail.

You don't have to drink, Jeni. You feel bad now but you'll feel worse if you give in. Keep talking to us and we'll do our best to talk you off the ledge. We care. :ghug3

Stevie1

Hang in there Jeni!

I'm the same way...unstructured alone time is dangerous. Good for you in anticipating how to fight the urges ahead of time. Focus on how proud you'll feel for resisting the urge. Hoping you'll find an AA meeting or something to replace the unhealthy thoughts.

Live2Run25

Jeni. Hang tight. Maybe deep down you are just afraid of the freedom (and repsonsibilty) that comes with more than 49 days. As everyone else has said..it's just your voice.. your addiction trying to break you. Don't let it!! Go to a movie, invite a friend to dinner. Do something to keep you out of the house as long as you can. Don't give in.. the feeling of caving is going to feel so much worse than some silly thoughts in your head.

LoftyIdeals

Jen, if you had seen or heard me in the first few months, you'd have thought I was crazy. Maybe I was. I would actually pace the floor and talk smack to my AV. I'd call it names, and unleash the anger I had against it, remembering all the sh*t it had put me through. I highly recommend doing that. Don't let it settle in through your dreams and subconscious. Ferret out the little rat and kick its ass. You can do this. You have the power and control you need to do this, because you are sober.

CaiHong

Jen it's great that you have posted honestly how you are feeling. My Av spoke to me for the last time 5 months into sobriety. It was so strong, I thought it had gone completely and I had a real battle with it . It felt like an entity with a life of its own.
I was so relieved I didn't give in. The next day when I woke up in the morning I was so grateful to be sober.
These feelingS pass you need to ride them through, prepare yourself for the battle, don't put yourself in my compromising situations with alcohol, lie low and relax.
Love
CaiHong

DisplacedGRITS

those dreams can be real downers. sometimes i have drinking dreams so intense i wake up thinking i relapsed! you can work through those cravings. we can feel them but they do not rule us. we control our actions. we have power over our bodies even if our minds pull us in directions we'd rather no go in. just remember how far you've come and how much further you want to go. your journey is just beginning, not ending.

freshstart57

It was easier for me to accept the craving rather than fight it. My addiction wants a drink now. I don't, so big deal. Now what? I will never give permission to my addiction to have another drink. You are done, buddy.