Change4good

I posted last night after drinking 3 beers. Some doubted the fact that I am an alcoholic because I stopped. Let me tell you why this is faulty thinking.

Part of me wanted to experiment with controlled drinking. I wanted to see if I could have a few and stop. I did just that, but the instinctual craving for more was alive and well. It still is alive.

I love to play cards. I am actually pretty good at most games. Today I thought about drinking in terms of cards. Drinking will always have the upper hand. It will always be the dealer. Last night I might have had a "winning hand" in that I managed to halt a nasty relapse. But the house always wins. So it is time for me to exit the casino.

I received some great advice about not going this alone, and participating in a more *formal* recovery process. This makes sense to me, and I spend a lot of time in the secular forum.

I have mentioned that AA is not for me, and have purposefully not elaborated on why as I don't want to discourage newcomers from seeking out what I understand to be an amazing source of recovery. I have the utmost respect for those who attend AA, and keep it a vibrant, great network for others. So please never read my choice not to attend as criticism or doubt.

Must get back to work. Just wanted to check in with thoughts, albeit not cogent or deep.

Thanks SR.

freshstart57

Sounding pretty dang cogent to me. I agree that the prevailing winds may attempt to direct our paths, but the ultimate choice in the direction we choose is ours. Onward!

jsch

Good analogy! You might win some but in the end alcohol is undefeated!

Weasel1966

If you conceed that the game is not in your favor.... That a few winning hands here and there can convince you to play more.... Would that be wise?

I like the analogy... But when I continue on with it I can only see more loss at the end.

The stakes in the analogy are far from equivalent.

I place my bet on abstinence and win every time.

I also feel the same way about being sober. Anyway you can!

Change4good

Exactly.

hypochondriac

My favourite card playing quote is.. 'this whole game is just one big deck of cards, if you want to get into the game you have to take whatever comes up in the shuffle'..it's actually from a Bukowski novel about a drunken orgy but I think it can be applicable to lots of things in life Actually it's pretty much the same as 'play the hand you're dealt'. Acceptance.

One of my fears if I ever relapsed is that I would be able to control my drinking. I know I could do it for a bit. We don't have to fall of the wagon in a spectacular fashion to be a 'real' alcoholic. Putting that little bit of alcohol in the system is enough to set the ball rolling in an ever downward spiral.

I hope that you're feeling okay and are back on track x

Change4good

I am back on track. I feel somewhat like a fraud though, as I made it clear on this forum that I would not drink this month.

DisplacedGRITS

i'm sticking with AA (even though i'm pretty lazy about working the steps) because i firmly believe that you have to have a plan to achieve sobriety. i suck at coming up with plans and being organized so i figure following an established 12 Step program that has been proven to work is best for me. i would probably have looked into the other programs and may still but the fellowship of AA is a lot of what i really needed. i am a social creature and my isolation when i was drinking nearly killed me. i tend toward isolation now out of fear so attending meetings forces me to socialize and i always feel better afterwards.

ReadyAndAble

Fraud? No way. I think it's great the way you caught yourself, and moved quickly to right things. You sound like a champ to me.

Thanks for this thread and yesterday's too. I see a lot of examples of people finding their own path. I really like the way DisplacedGRITS just framed it—taking a good look ourselves, and coming up with a plan that both leverages our strengths and addresses our weaknesses.

OklaBH

Here's my analogy: When I drink I am in the ring with Ali. No way will I win.

Glad you stopped before crossing "the point of no return" & glad you are posting today.

MyTimeNow

Love the cards analogy!

I like to play poker (not with real money!) and to me it would be high hearts on the table, alcohol is all in. I know they have the royal flush, but I'm all in too with my 2 of clubs and 3 of spades hoping against hope that it will be miraculously ok this time. Nope. Alcohol wins and takes everything. Surprise!

There is NO WAY that you are a fraud! You've done really well and will do so again, don't be so hard on yourself

Dee74

I don't think you're a fraud either...you just received a lesson in how relentless and insidious this thing is.

I made declarations a lot - and I meant them...

but I learnt making the declaration is only the tip of the iceberg...it's the call to arms, rather than the whole war

I'm glad you're back and feeling strong again C4G

D