newhope01

I sat here for awhile trying to figure out what to type. I guess Im just really confused about myself and my life. I feel like I am an alcoholic but people say Im not.

I got pretty drunk this last Saturday and then spent all Sunday in remorse for getting that drunk. I didnt really do anything that bad but I still felt bad. So, like usual I resolved to abstain from alcohol. In fact, I spent the whole day researching how to quit and even found my Alcoholic's Anonymous blue book to read. I had slight cravings but I was able to resist and I was sober the whole day... Until 5PM on Monday...

My boyfriend called me after he left and told me he wouldnt marry me till I quit... and I drunkenly told someone for the first time about all my efforts in trying to quit and how terrified I felt that I may never be able too. I'm sober now but for how long? Im so scared and I dont think anyone understands this terror... not even my boyfriend who asked me to quit. I tried telling him how scared I am and how hopeless I feel, but I know he doesn't understand.

I know I need help but AA isn't for me, I've tried it before and I didnt work for me. I just feel so hopeless...

wow04

I got sober through AA, but I know other's here have experience in getting sober other ways.

It is hard for normal drinkers to understand why we just can't quit. Hang in there and keep posting.

LoftyIdeals

Welcome, newhope. I'm glad you posted. Your quandry is familiar to many of us, I'm sure. At least I know it is to me. I questioned my alcoholism for far too many years, sometimes on the words of another that they didn't think I was an alcoholic. Truth is, they didn't want me to stop for their own reasons, not for my welfare.

Although I don't know what to think of your boyfriends condition, I think you are right to consider stopping drinking. I just would make sure you are doing it for you, not him, and not your pending marriage. Don't set yourself up for a greater resentment down the road. If you feel you have a problem, address it, but do it for you. Just my 2 cents.

That said, I am glad you are reading your Big Book. I do the same, but I also read a lot of non-AA literature. Believe it or not, one of the most sensible books I read is Allen Carr's "EasyWay to Stop Drinking". You might give it a read.

Best wishes, and keep posting!

GiGi13

well IMHO.... your BF shouldnt give you an ultimatum. He needs to realize that if it were easy to quit... noone would technically be an alcoholic. He doesnt understand the nature of an alcoholic, nor the disease of alcoholism..

My first bit of advice for you would be this... Ask yourself this honest question and really really THINK for a long time on it before you give yourself an HONEST answer...

Are you more afraid of quitting because you feel you CANT quit.... or
Are you more afraid of quitting because you know you MUST quit..and cant drink anymore?

You would be amazed at the number of people who truly confuse the two concepts... hense.. we convince ourselves we cant quit because its too hard..when in reality its because we dont WANT to quit...

newhope01

I think Im terrified because I feel like I cant... I so badly want to be sober but everytime I try all I do is mess it up. I almost feel like whats the point in even trying anymore but I just dont want to give up on myself yet. And deep down I know better. Deep down I have this faint hope that one day I won't want to drink anymore and all my stupid nights where I found myself drinking alone will become a distant memory. I so desperately want to be in recovery.

aasharon90

I learned early on that if I wanted to stay
sober then I had to do it for myself. I made
that decision after family stepped in with
an intervention and spent 28 days in rehab.

I was to be let go after 2 weeks there because
of the insurance, and was told they wanted to
send me away to a halfway house for 6 weeks
because they it was said if I went home I would
surely drink again. With much pleading to stay
there in rehab so I wouldnt be far from my little
family I was able to with a 6 week outpatiant added
on.

To be told I would drink again pizzed me off, so
I wanted to prove everyone wrong. Even for family
members who said I wasnt an alcoholic, that it
was all in my head and looking for attention, again
pizzed me off because I knew in my gut I had a
drinking problem. That fueled me more to do what
ever i needed to do to stay sober and again to prove
them wrong.

When I returned home to my little family, my spouse
told me that if I drank again then my azz was out. Again,
I wasnt about to leave my 2 little ones and so to prove
him wrong, i continued doing whatever I needed to
stay sober a day at a time.

21 yrs later, Im still sober, did what I was suppose to
do as a mother and wife, then at 25 yrs marriage, kids
grown, college degreed, married, addiction free, returned
to my hometown , divorced and remarried 3 yrs now.

I continue to stay sober and even tho I am away from
family members, I continue to stay sober for me and no
one else no matter what they think of me.

My recovery belongs to me and I protect it to the
best of my ability living a happy, honest, free life
with Faith and guidance from Above and the tools
and knowledge of my alcoholism passing it on to
those still suffering with addiction.

Today, my sobriety is a gift to be treasure each day
and im eternally grateful for it.

GiGi13

In truth..there really is no such word as "can't" Think of it as a made up word that allows us a "get out of jail for free card".. Its nothing more than an excuse to continue on with our addiction. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!! you just have to want it bad enough...

Do you like being a SLAVE to the bottle?
Do you like waking with hangovers and feeling like refried dog poo?
Do you like alienating yourself from others and drinking alone..in shame?

You need to ask yourself allot of questions...try to understand why you drink in the first place.. understanding your addiction is key and paramount to understanding how to stop it... have faith in yourself dear..if you really want to quit...you can and will do it!!!! I know its hard...its hard for all of us...but it is doable i assure you!

jacobs

Hi there i am afraid your boyfriend will not understand you because he does not have an alcohol problem.carebourn.com run a good support network for those with a weakness to alcohol. If you speak to them first it may help you to communicate with your boyfriend. Good luck and stay strong.

newhope01

Everyone's support is so touching. I really feel like I can do this but for some reason I just can't stop crying. I don't want to drink alone in shame anymore. Im still just so terrified that Im going to mess this all up again and I cant take it anymore. I dont want to let myself down or anyone else for that matter.

GiGi13

Newhope (hugs you tight) dont cry for sadness..cry in happiness that you have the strength to WANT to stop! and listen... im not saying this to give you (an out) but there are many many people who are sober for months/years..and they relapse here and there...the thing is..they get back up on the horse a"gain! I always quote the old saying...

"A persons true strength is not measured by never having fallen before... it is measured by how many times they have fallen and picked themselves up again"

You cant go into this road to recovery with the self defeatist attitude of "what if i cant do it..what if i fail"etc.... your truly setting yourself up for a downfall.... You need to go into this knowing that you wont fail today... and tomorrow is another day...you will wake up... sober...and find the strength in you to stay sober for that day...and so on and so on... it is a daily struggle that each of us take day by day...but you know what? each day gets so much easier that at times...you dont even think about being sober that day...you simply ARE sober and enjoying the things in life you havent enjoyed in a long time!!!!

hypochondriac

Welcome to SR Newhope.

I know this sounds like a cliche but if I can do this anyone can. I felt like I quit everyday for 3 years. I thought I'd never be able to do it.

I'm sure that everyone else on here who got sober has a similar kind of disbelief at their ability to do the one thing which they thought at one point would be impossible. We all understand that feeling of hopelessness, but there is a way out. And everyone here has used a different method and a host of other supports to help keep them sober.

If you are not sure about AA yet then have a look at AVRT (google the crash course). That's what helped me to begin with.

I'm sure you'll find lots of support here too x

ru12

Hi New. I know how hopeless this all feels. I'm not AA, but I did go for a while and I really liked being around sober people that shared the same problem I did. One of the things I remember that made a huge difference to me at one of my fist meetings is when this old guy sat down at my table, shook my hand, and told me I never have to drink again. He looked in my eyes and I in his and I knew he was speaking truth from experience. Made me want to sob. He just knew what I was feeling. I know that might not sound like an earth-shattering statement, but at the time it really was because I just thought I couldn't stop and I was going to die from this.

I did stop and have been for a year and a half. I used SMART, AVRT some. But mostly, I just decided that I don't drink alcohol anymore. And once that sh!t was out of my life for a while . . . things got so much better. The guilt, shame, self-loathing and the rest of it began to melt away and I was just me again. . . a 40 something guy trying his best to muddle through this life sober.

You can do this New. Just don't drink right now. . . don't worry about tomorrow, don't drink in the moment. And tomorrow do the same.

Finally, when I started this I thought that I was denying something of value from myself by not drinking. I've totally changed my mind about that. I've been spared having to drink all that poison. I don't have to drink and that is such a wonderful and amazing thing.

DisplacedGRITS

hi NewHope. i too drank alone and in misery. it has been a long time since i've been a social drinker and got any fun out of it. i didn't think i could quit. i would make it to Day 4 or 5 and then it was back in the liquor store. i've delayed having a baby with my husband now for about 5 years because of my drinking. i'm 31 now. you don't want drinking to delay something so important to you like getting married. but more importantly, you have to want sobriety for yourself. obviously, having a child wasn't enough for me.

i started going to AA daily one day when i felt so emotionally dead i didn't care where i was, just as long as i wasn't drinking. i didn't really care about AA. it was just somewhere to be that was safe. i went daily for nearly 2 months and it was the springboard i needed to get sober. i made it through the first 3 steps, read the BB from time to time and work on Step 4 occasionally. i'm between sponsors and attend meetings when i need to. AA is just another tool i use. i'm not the best AA member but i count myself as one because it's helped me and i believe in it. you don't have to follow all the rules if they don't work for you. they're guidelines and they're probably the best way to stay sober. but if they get you over the initial hump and get you started on the right path, perhaps you could give it a shot? i found being around other people with long terms of sobriety encouraging.

if AA isn't for you then maybe one of the other 12 step programs is worth a shot? the important thing is not to approach sobriety without a plan. you can't stumble blindly through it. that's a recipe for relapse after relapse. come up with a plan, stick to it.

newhope01

I studied AVRT or addictive voice recognition technique from an instructor who supposedly was involved in developing this theory. I think this is why I feel so hopeless at times.! But, this site is really helping me a lot. I wanted to get a beer when I went to the liquor store today and I was able to resist. Hopefully I can keep this up through Saturday.

DisplacedGRITS

you can keep this up. keep your eyes focused on the path right in front of you and stay sober for today. every today. how do you eat an elephant? one bite at a time.

hypochondriac

Is there any thing you've looked into before which made sense to you or helped you? Have you quit for any amount of time before?

I know it is easy to focus on the negative side of things, and on the things that haven't worked but there will be exceptions. I think alcohol itself makes us focus on all the negative things. It's your AV. You probably know a lot more about all this stuff than me... what haven't you tried? Try and flip it on it's head and focus on the stuff you can do rather than on the stuff you feel won't work x

newhope01

I didnt like AA because there were way too many creepy guys trying to take me out on a date and one particularly creepy guy that I still run into from time, in fact, the last time I ran into him it was at the liquor store with two 40 0z beers in each hand. Im just way too uncomfortable to ever go back there. But, there were a lot of nice people there too and I do like the idea of the 12 step program.

DisplacedGRITS

commonly called the 13th step, unfortunately. not every group has 13th steppers but many do. i frequent women's meetings because i am more comfortable there. before i moved to Milwaukee there was a great mixed group i attended but the mixed groups i find here are often all men and me and it's a little uncomfortable so though i haven't been hit on i know how you feel.

sugarbear1

The program of AA is the 12 steps. It's not the meetings.

I wish you well on staying stopped and on your impending marriage!

There are other programs for you to use!

newhope01

I was able to quit drinking when I was a junior in college for a total of 30 days and I think I was successful b/c my alcoholic b/f at the time asked me to stop with him. I think combined with the support of my ex and possibly knowing it was only for 30 days made it possible. However, now when I absolve to abstain from alcohol for 30 days, Im lucky to make it past 5 days... I think I mainly just need support and to be able to talk to someone about it. Im hoping these forums will help me through this eternal struggle.