Bioshock
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: new jersey
Posts: 64
Bioshock
As some of you may be aware, i postes a rather series of post in a topic revealing what was going on me regarding withdrawal. I went to see a physician and we talked, mostly about medication. Those "brain folding seizures" he suspects were actually caused by my sudden halting of antidepressants, withdrawal from those drugs can lead to "brain shocks". He suspects that the only symptoms of alcohol witbdrawal were not life threatening, agitation, nightmares, trouble moving bowels, unquenchable thirst, etc. He told me to go home amd get as much rest amd fluids as I could and put me back on the antidepressant - the "seizures" have stopped.
But god help me I was dying for a drink. Even gallons of water and waterlogged produce couldn't help me. So, chain smoking at my first opportunity I ****** over a whole week of work and drank a third of a bottle of whiskey.
Old Heaven Hill straight bourbon whiskey. 100 proof. It was less than I used to drink, but the symptoms subsided and for the first time in a week i thanked Dionysus as I floated through a dreamless sleep. No flying off the handle, no imsatiable thirst, and no more damn nightmares after a week of suffering them.
But today its the same old story. My mind is not filled with thoughts, but of antiipation. That squat little vial with two-thirds of fire water still floating in it. I think about it constantly. Plannimg my drinks. Wondering what I'll swill next when Old Heaven Hill joins its fallen brothers -Admiral Nelson, Sweet Carolina, Crystal Palace, and the unknown bottles that sit in some forgotten corner. Having been too busy chugging the next bottle to remember where they lay. But I remember the taste.
Two bottles of Rum, six bottles of vodka, four cans of malt liquor, one bottle of gin, and the whiskey.
And thts whatI can remember.
But god damn it, all I can think about is the bourbon. I feel the.burn. I lick my lips and remember the taste. The feelings.
Its all I can think about. Not even food matters. Nothing but bourbon matters now. And I hate myself for it.
I cant do this on my own. I need help.
So Ive decised to find AA meetings close by.
But god help me I was dying for a drink. Even gallons of water and waterlogged produce couldn't help me. So, chain smoking at my first opportunity I ****** over a whole week of work and drank a third of a bottle of whiskey.
Old Heaven Hill straight bourbon whiskey. 100 proof. It was less than I used to drink, but the symptoms subsided and for the first time in a week i thanked Dionysus as I floated through a dreamless sleep. No flying off the handle, no imsatiable thirst, and no more damn nightmares after a week of suffering them.
But today its the same old story. My mind is not filled with thoughts, but of antiipation. That squat little vial with two-thirds of fire water still floating in it. I think about it constantly. Plannimg my drinks. Wondering what I'll swill next when Old Heaven Hill joins its fallen brothers -Admiral Nelson, Sweet Carolina, Crystal Palace, and the unknown bottles that sit in some forgotten corner. Having been too busy chugging the next bottle to remember where they lay. But I remember the taste.
Two bottles of Rum, six bottles of vodka, four cans of malt liquor, one bottle of gin, and the whiskey.
And thts whatI can remember.
But god damn it, all I can think about is the bourbon. I feel the.burn. I lick my lips and remember the taste. The feelings.
Its all I can think about. Not even food matters. Nothing but bourbon matters now. And I hate myself for it.
I cant do this on my own. I need help.
So Ive decised to find AA meetings close by.
Then go to another, thats what I did and still do when I feel off my game. 
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
roj,
Eventually you realize that indeed it is a royal PITA to keep going through painful and distracting detox physically and get enough sober time to have the cravings start be less often and easier to deal with. My cravings now, if you want to call them that, are a mere flash of thinking "Boy I would want some of that in the old days." And even those thoughts rarely anymore even when I am around drinkers out of the house and my wife having her scotch water and a twist every evening. Yep, she still drinks and there is scotch in the house as well as smokes which I also quit when I did an in hospital detox because I could not even get one morning not drinking, and needed a head start. I was doing 3 packs a day and 30 plus units of beer, wine, and scotch daily from wake up to passing out that night. I had lurked a lot here before I detoxed and used here as well as AA and counseling after. Also my Docs both my GP and my VA docs. Oh and also my friends and family. I honestly don't even think about them anymore. No impact.
How? I was so enslaved that I will never go back. That is a fact that you can take to the bank and draw interest on. Never again one drink or one smoke. Either leads to the other and I want neither ever again. I have already had enough of both for any twenty other users.
Those of us who did the same thing all agree it is like we flipped a switch in our heads, where there was not hope, but a grim determination at first, and now, no less determined, but not grim, just confident that I made it. And for a decade never thought I could even get a day or three let alone make it and kick both smokes and alcohol. Ever vigilant? For me not really. I hang out here because I want to pay back what I got here in support. I also want to pass forward the knowledge of relapses and how easily some think they can control it later and can't. I don't forget those lessons and have to learn them the hard way. If you want to label me, a recovered alcoholic is the best I can say, as I am not ever going back, and feel that with certainty to my toes.
I started with surrender, and AA, and here, and now just use here. But at first I needed all the face to face help I could get. I also met some great folks at AA I still keep up with.
AA is not for losers, just those who want to start winning again, as far as the battle with the bottle. They will not eat you. No one will try to abduct you into a cult or a religion, or substitute for one. It can only help. So can all the other techniques and methods. Don't let anybody scare you about another technique.
But for those first three months to a year, you bet, I used them all!
I think about recovery methods like I think of politics. When asked who I think we should vote for I usually decline and only say to beware voting for folks only because they share your hatreds and fears. You may later find you were on their hit lists the whole time, and then it will be too late.
Try everything if one does not work, because giving up is not an option.
I can tell you how not to quit.
1. Have conditions on your sobriety. Things like I will stay sober as long as (insert bad thing that could happen here) doesn't happen and I can't cope. Or that a death or a loss or whatever conditions you think are acceptable to back out and drink. Having those up front as beliefs can defeat you.
2. Consider your sobriety as temporary until you can control it again. This one kills a lot of us. You can't ever control it or you would not be here. Argue all you want, but it has to be the intent to quit for good from the start.
3. Believing that life gets better when you quit. It doesn't get better, you get better. Then you can deal with it better.
4. Have restrictions on who can know when you are not succeeding with doing it privately. I hear this one all the time for not going to the ER when detoxing, and risking death, from seizures. I also hear it from folks that use that as an excuse for not going to meetings either AA or if available SMART meetings. If you are succeeding privately then you aren't reading this. SR isn't private either, just anonymous like AA. Doing the same things over and over that don't work for you in private, and expecting different results, does not take an Einstein to figure out is insanity.
By all means be private if that is working for you. I was at the point where I was willing to do whatever it took, I was that desperate. It was sheer luck I lasted long enough to recover. A miracle I healed and have my health relatively speaking.
I tried everything all at once, and took what I could use from each and left the rest. But I really did them all in depth, which took a lot of work and reading and research and posting here. I stopped getting ready for tomorrow and started getting to it.
Eventually you realize that indeed it is a royal PITA to keep going through painful and distracting detox physically and get enough sober time to have the cravings start be less often and easier to deal with. My cravings now, if you want to call them that, are a mere flash of thinking "Boy I would want some of that in the old days." And even those thoughts rarely anymore even when I am around drinkers out of the house and my wife having her scotch water and a twist every evening. Yep, she still drinks and there is scotch in the house as well as smokes which I also quit when I did an in hospital detox because I could not even get one morning not drinking, and needed a head start. I was doing 3 packs a day and 30 plus units of beer, wine, and scotch daily from wake up to passing out that night. I had lurked a lot here before I detoxed and used here as well as AA and counseling after. Also my Docs both my GP and my VA docs. Oh and also my friends and family. I honestly don't even think about them anymore. No impact.
How? I was so enslaved that I will never go back. That is a fact that you can take to the bank and draw interest on. Never again one drink or one smoke. Either leads to the other and I want neither ever again. I have already had enough of both for any twenty other users.
Those of us who did the same thing all agree it is like we flipped a switch in our heads, where there was not hope, but a grim determination at first, and now, no less determined, but not grim, just confident that I made it. And for a decade never thought I could even get a day or three let alone make it and kick both smokes and alcohol. Ever vigilant? For me not really. I hang out here because I want to pay back what I got here in support. I also want to pass forward the knowledge of relapses and how easily some think they can control it later and can't. I don't forget those lessons and have to learn them the hard way. If you want to label me, a recovered alcoholic is the best I can say, as I am not ever going back, and feel that with certainty to my toes.
I started with surrender, and AA, and here, and now just use here. But at first I needed all the face to face help I could get. I also met some great folks at AA I still keep up with.
AA is not for losers, just those who want to start winning again, as far as the battle with the bottle. They will not eat you. No one will try to abduct you into a cult or a religion, or substitute for one. It can only help. So can all the other techniques and methods. Don't let anybody scare you about another technique.
But for those first three months to a year, you bet, I used them all!
I think about recovery methods like I think of politics. When asked who I think we should vote for I usually decline and only say to beware voting for folks only because they share your hatreds and fears. You may later find you were on their hit lists the whole time, and then it will be too late.
Try everything if one does not work, because giving up is not an option.
I can tell you how not to quit.
1. Have conditions on your sobriety. Things like I will stay sober as long as (insert bad thing that could happen here) doesn't happen and I can't cope. Or that a death or a loss or whatever conditions you think are acceptable to back out and drink. Having those up front as beliefs can defeat you.
2. Consider your sobriety as temporary until you can control it again. This one kills a lot of us. You can't ever control it or you would not be here. Argue all you want, but it has to be the intent to quit for good from the start.
3. Believing that life gets better when you quit. It doesn't get better, you get better. Then you can deal with it better.
4. Have restrictions on who can know when you are not succeeding with doing it privately. I hear this one all the time for not going to the ER when detoxing, and risking death, from seizures. I also hear it from folks that use that as an excuse for not going to meetings either AA or if available SMART meetings. If you are succeeding privately then you aren't reading this. SR isn't private either, just anonymous like AA. Doing the same things over and over that don't work for you in private, and expecting different results, does not take an Einstein to figure out is insanity.
By all means be private if that is working for you. I was at the point where I was willing to do whatever it took, I was that desperate. It was sheer luck I lasted long enough to recover. A miracle I healed and have my health relatively speaking.
I tried everything all at once, and took what I could use from each and left the rest. But I really did them all in depth, which took a lot of work and reading and research and posting here. I stopped getting ready for tomorrow and started getting to it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Cool...Go in with an open mind... Listen for similarities and not differences....I think you'll find people a lot like you that know how to deal with this...I know that's what I found...It's not a bad idea to get there 15 minutes early and talk with some poeple outside...Tell them you are new and you'll have someone to go inside with....Have a great meeting RG!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: new jersey
Posts: 64
I went to a 5:30 meeting in town.
I liked it. All day I had my mind on a bottle of bourbon, and after reading about Step 10, spot-check inventories, and listening to people's stories - it helped a lot.
I liked it. All day I had my mind on a bottle of bourbon, and after reading about Step 10, spot-check inventories, and listening to people's stories - it helped a lot.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by rojogonzo 
I went to a 5:30 meeting in town.
I liked it. All day I had my mind on a bottle of bourbon, and after reading about Step 10, spot-check inventories, and listening to people's stories - it helped a lot.
I liked it. All day I had my mind on a bottle of bourbon, and after reading about Step 10, spot-check inventories, and listening to people's stories - it helped a lot.
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
Good on ya rojogonzo. Those meetings saved and consinue to save my life. Keep going, even when you think you don't want to. You'll hear things there that will continue to encourage you and help you find the sober path.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: new jersey
Posts: 64
Originally Posted by Sapling
I'm glad you liked it....Could you relate to any of their stories?
I related to that a lot. I don't have a shot, I have a whole bottle. I can intend half a bottle, but I always go a lot farther than I intended to and usually end up blacking out or having little to no memory of the night before and a righteous hangover.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by rojogonzo
I can, and weird as it sounds it was in the fact that "we can't drink like other people, when we have one, we need to have more".
The text of Alcoholics Anonymous
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Good on you bud!
Don't be afraid to try other things as well if you need them. I was very uncomfortable at my first meeting and then found my home group which suited me perfectly. So do try several meetings that are different. I knew you would have another tool if you just gave it a try.
By golly I think you have a good chance now. It appears you are willing to do whatever it takes. Really, that is all it takes.
Don't be afraid to try other things as well if you need them. I was very uncomfortable at my first meeting and then found my home group which suited me perfectly. So do try several meetings that are different. I knew you would have another tool if you just gave it a try.
By golly I think you have a good chance now. It appears you are willing to do whatever it takes. Really, that is all it takes.
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