allisonfox

I am not a recovering alcoholic, but have been living with alcoholics my entire life. Both of my parents were alcoholics as well as many other family members. My mother passed away almost 6 years ago from her drinking and my father is a mess. Growing up in an alcoholic home really affected me as a person. I was exposed to verbal and physical abuse on a regular basis, so you can probably understand that I have issues with alcoholics.

My husband's mother was an alcoholic growing up, but she was able to get help through rehab and overcome it. Unfortunately, my father-in-law passed away almost 2 years ago and she has picked up drinking again. We do not live close to her which makes it more difficult because we never see her drinking, just get calls from her when she is drunk. She is not an abusive alcoholic, she is quite "happy" seeming when she drinks. She is giggly and worry-free. She kind of reminds me of how my mom used to act. She recently came to visit us and one night we went to dinner and she appeared to be intoxicated. When we got back home, I went to her room and found a bottle of vodka almost empty hidden away. It kills me to see it because I have lost my parents (only one physically) to alcohol. Let me also point out that she is a functioning alcoholic. She has a stable job, a home, and is on her feet after losing my father-in-law. She used to live minutes away from her child, but after her husband passed, she moved 5 hours away after she was approached about her drinking problem. I think the stress of not having him around just drove her back to it.

I am not sure if I have done the right thing, I definitely do not feel like I have. The day after I found the bottle, I approached her. It was a difficult talk for me and I physically shaking through it and unfortunately I think I let my emotions get the best of me. I told her how her drinking again really upset me. I told her that I couldn't just sit by and watch her drink and that if she wanted to drink that I was going to distance myself from her. I lived with alcoholics my entire life and I can't watch someone drink themselves until they get sick again. She gave me a lot of excuses for drinking, such as not having anyone, she is doing the best she can, and that she did right by her deceased husband by not drinking when he was alive and that she can do it now if she chooses. She turned the blame on me and said that I haven't treated her the same since my mom passed and that I didn't have a problem with her drinking but just with her as a person. It really upset me and all I can say is that she left to go back home shortly after my talk with her. My husband and other family members think that was I did was right (telling her I do not want her in my life right now), but I feel terrible. I don't know if it's just because she guilt tripped me, or if I really did do something wrong. I just know from growing up that it's up to the alcoholic to get better. I tried to get my parent's to stop, but they didn't ever want to hear it.

I'm tempted to write an email to explain my feeling in a more supportive manner, but I don't know what is best. She is older in age, and I am pretty sure she was throwing up while she was here. I don't want to see her get sick like my mom. I care for her a lot, but I can't watch someone else self-destruct. I keep telling myself that maybe she isn't that bad and maybe it won't be detrimental to her health if she continues to drink. Maybe she will be lucky. I just don't know where to go from here.

soberbrooke

You did the right thing! I would need the support and the knowledge of Al-anon if I had to deal with that.

Stevie1

I think you did the right thing, absolutely - she is choosing to drink, and you choose not to be around alcoholics. You have every right. (As does she, of course.) I'm glad your husband supports you, it must be very hard for him too.

Knowing you are completely within your rights to distance yourself from her might not take all the guilt away, I'd probably feel some guilt too.

Although I was actively drinking at the time so I know, ironic..., I once ended a very close friendship with a smart, beautiful, funny, kind, successful (attorney, believe it or not) woman because she was a heroin addict, and when she couldn't get that she did all sorts of prescription meds. She was awful when she was really out of it. I felt horrible ending an otherwise good friendship but I knew I just didn't want that in my life.

There is a subforum on here for friends and families of alcoholics you might want to check out.

chicory

Allison,

I think you did the one thing that she needed. You did not pretend it wasn't happening, and that is always best. It just makes it easier for them to drink around everyone, if no one mentions noticing it. Good for you , having the courage to do it. Perhaps she will be influenced in a good way by your caring, and bringing her to face her actions.

She tried to make it seem like you were the bad guy, so don't let that make you feel guilty. She was simply throwing up a smoke screen, to take the focus off her drinking. I hope she gets help.

I am guessing you know the three C's- You didn't cause it-You can't control it- and you can't cure it. you did about the only thing you can do. Lovingly confronted her,and now the ball is in her court. I wish her recovery. If she did it once, there is a good chance she can find that mindset again,I would think.

Have you ever been to ACA- adult children of alcoholics, or Al-anon? it really helps in dealing with the pain of the past, and the difficulties we have in life, due to living with /being affected by alcoholics. I had two parents who were A's, and when I finally heard about ACA, and went, it was very helpful-to put it very mildly.

I wish you well. Go and have a beautiful day. You don't have to let their choices ruin your very happiness-you deserve to have the happiest life you can.

We have a forum for families and friends of alcoholics-there are some nice folks there, who really understand, and are recovering from the affects of living with alcoholics.

hugs
chicory

Sapling

I think you should look into Al Anon also...We also have a friends and family forum here where you could cut and paste your post and get some feedback....Being an alcoholic I do agree with you that the only one to get her to stop...Is herself. Glad you found the site.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

flutter

You absolutely did the right thing. I grew up in an alcoholic home too, later became one. Have had many friendships and relationships with alcoholics and addicts. I had to come to a place where toxic people were not allowed in my life, to protect my sanity and serenity. If I were in your situation, I would hope that I'd be strong enough to do the same thing. Good for you!