Going on day 4
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 4
Going on day 4
Hey everyone!
I'm going on Day 4 of not drinking. I used to get drunk every night, or close to it. Blackout drunk. Long story short, it has really been taking a toll on the people around me and especially myself. I suffer from depression that is most certainly fueled by the alcohol. My looks have dramatically worsened due to it as well, which in turn fuels my depression and self loathing as well. I have a great job and friends, but I'm just a wreck. At work, we have the summers off. At the end of the season get together (at a bar of course) I saw my co-worker, who is one of my best friends (oh, and im practically in love with her secretly) and my best friend at work getting close and they left to go to her house. I have felt so down on myself for so long, that I never told her how I really felt. But when I saw that happen, I sort of made a scene (just in front of them) and I feel really stupid about it. I made a few comments online about it as well the next night. Pretty sure she read them even though I deleted them shortly after. I used to talk to her everyday, all day through texts, or chatting here and there at work. This was a week ago, and I haven't heard from her since. Neither him and her are contacting me, and I know they have gotten really close over the past week, and are secretly dating behind my back, which also hurts me because they are my friends and I don't want things to be weird. I also have to go back to working with them in September.
Anyways, sorry, I know this isn't a dating advice website haha. Bottom line, I know my drinking is causing a lot of problems like this in my life. I want to be sober and happy. I want to not be ashamed of myself so I can get close to people who I like, am friends with, or are family members. I'm very distant. I am committed to doing this.
What I'm wondering is: How do I start my recovery during a time like this, where I feel like I've embarrassed myself and have to deal with certain consequences that are very very fresh wounds? I realize that recovery is number 1, and I have to move past the thought of losing things.
I'm going on Day 4 of not drinking. I used to get drunk every night, or close to it. Blackout drunk. Long story short, it has really been taking a toll on the people around me and especially myself. I suffer from depression that is most certainly fueled by the alcohol. My looks have dramatically worsened due to it as well, which in turn fuels my depression and self loathing as well. I have a great job and friends, but I'm just a wreck. At work, we have the summers off. At the end of the season get together (at a bar of course) I saw my co-worker, who is one of my best friends (oh, and im practically in love with her secretly) and my best friend at work getting close and they left to go to her house. I have felt so down on myself for so long, that I never told her how I really felt. But when I saw that happen, I sort of made a scene (just in front of them) and I feel really stupid about it. I made a few comments online about it as well the next night. Pretty sure she read them even though I deleted them shortly after. I used to talk to her everyday, all day through texts, or chatting here and there at work. This was a week ago, and I haven't heard from her since. Neither him and her are contacting me, and I know they have gotten really close over the past week, and are secretly dating behind my back, which also hurts me because they are my friends and I don't want things to be weird. I also have to go back to working with them in September.
Anyways, sorry, I know this isn't a dating advice website haha. Bottom line, I know my drinking is causing a lot of problems like this in my life. I want to be sober and happy. I want to not be ashamed of myself so I can get close to people who I like, am friends with, or are family members. I'm very distant. I am committed to doing this.
What I'm wondering is: How do I start my recovery during a time like this, where I feel like I've embarrassed myself and have to deal with certain consequences that are very very fresh wounds? I realize that recovery is number 1, and I have to move past the thought of losing things.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 4
Also, I thought this song might help some people. It has been a life saver for me the last 3 days. Hope it helps!
Sorry, I can't post links yet! But you should check it out!
Frank Turner - If I Ever Stray
"Forgive me someone, for I have sinned
And I know not where I should begin
And Some days it feels like you just can't win
No matter what you do or say.
Things didn't kill me but I don't feel stronger
Life is short but it feels much longer
You've lost that fight, you've lost that hunger
To pull yourself through the day.
But if ever I stray from the path I follow
Take me down to the English Channel
Throw me in where the water is shallow
And then drag me on back to shore!
'Cause love is free and life is cheap
And as long as I've got me a place to sleep
Clothes on my back and some food to eat
I can't ask for anything more
Come on everybody sing it 1one, two, three, four
We've all have secrets that we hold inside
The worst little things that we try and defy
The worst one of all that you never can hide
Is that you're never quite as strong as you sound
So I'm sorry baby, for the times I've hurt you
Sorry friends, for the times I desert you
Most days it feels like I don't deserve you
And I wonder that you're all still around
But if ever I stray from the path I follow
Take me down to the English Channel
Throw me in where the water is shallow
And then drag me on back to shore!
'Cause love is free and life is cheap
As long as I've got me a place to sleep
Clothes on my back and some food to eat
I can't ask for anything more
Come on everybody sing it one, two, three, four
Come on and join me in the water
Swim for hope
Sometimes it's hard to remember
I couldn't do this on my own
If ever I stray from the path I follow
Take me down to the English Channel
Throw me in where the water is shallow
And then drag me on back to shore!
'Cause love is free and life is cheap
As long as I've got me a place to sleep
Clothes on my back and some food to eat
I can't ask for anything more
I can't ask for anything more
The path I chose isn't straight and narrow
It wanders 'round like a drunken fellow
Some days it's hard for me to follow
But if you've got my back I'll go on.
If you've got my back I'll go on."
Sorry, I can't post links yet! But you should check it out!
Frank Turner - If I Ever Stray
"Forgive me someone, for I have sinned
And I know not where I should begin
And Some days it feels like you just can't win
No matter what you do or say.
Things didn't kill me but I don't feel stronger
Life is short but it feels much longer
You've lost that fight, you've lost that hunger
To pull yourself through the day.
But if ever I stray from the path I follow
Take me down to the English Channel
Throw me in where the water is shallow
And then drag me on back to shore!
'Cause love is free and life is cheap
And as long as I've got me a place to sleep
Clothes on my back and some food to eat
I can't ask for anything more
Come on everybody sing it 1one, two, three, four
We've all have secrets that we hold inside
The worst little things that we try and defy
The worst one of all that you never can hide
Is that you're never quite as strong as you sound
So I'm sorry baby, for the times I've hurt you
Sorry friends, for the times I desert you
Most days it feels like I don't deserve you
And I wonder that you're all still around
But if ever I stray from the path I follow
Take me down to the English Channel
Throw me in where the water is shallow
And then drag me on back to shore!
'Cause love is free and life is cheap
As long as I've got me a place to sleep
Clothes on my back and some food to eat
I can't ask for anything more
Come on everybody sing it one, two, three, four
Come on and join me in the water
Swim for hope
Sometimes it's hard to remember
I couldn't do this on my own
If ever I stray from the path I follow
Take me down to the English Channel
Throw me in where the water is shallow
And then drag me on back to shore!
'Cause love is free and life is cheap
As long as I've got me a place to sleep
Clothes on my back and some food to eat
I can't ask for anything more
I can't ask for anything more
The path I chose isn't straight and narrow
It wanders 'round like a drunken fellow
Some days it's hard for me to follow
But if you've got my back I'll go on.
If you've got my back I'll go on."
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The Sooner State
Posts: 1,725
Im sorry you had to see that. That had to be very painful. Fear keeps us from doing things like telling someone we care about (love) them. Then we find solace in a bottle. Its not the only reason(s) we drink but its definetly a big one (for me). I think almost everyone comes to the realization its time for crazy time to stop after we have done something like that. After some sober time you will get more clarity of the situation. With a good recovery program (whichever you choose) you will gain more confidence in yourself. Keep posting here and read read read. SR is a great place and full of caring kind people that care. Good luck and WELCOME!
Sobriety date 12/19/2011
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: TX
Posts: 409
I am so glad I started recovery when I did, back in Dec of 2011. All of my problems are getting worked out now from a sober state of mind, which I have never had. Sobriety for me was more important than drinking this time.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: SE Michigan
Posts: 1,066
Well, no details I'm sharing here 
but after 14 or so months of falling off the wagon and heavy daily drinking, an "embarassing" incident kicked me back into AA and another go at getting and staying sober. So I was thankful for it happening.
My alcoholic reaction, of course, would have been to keep drinking heavily so I wouldn't have to man up and deal with s*** that happens. So in a way my drunken stupidity was a blessing in disguise.
In other words, you can CHOOSE how you react to the stupid s***.
but after 14 or so months of falling off the wagon and heavy daily drinking, an "embarassing" incident kicked me back into AA and another go at getting and staying sober. So I was thankful for it happening.My alcoholic reaction, of course, would have been to keep drinking heavily so I wouldn't have to man up and deal with s*** that happens. So in a way my drunken stupidity was a blessing in disguise.
In other words, you can CHOOSE how you react to the stupid s***.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Welcome to SR whoaisame 
Sorry you are having a rough time of it, and I can understand why you would want to cling on to alcohol when you're dealing with fresh wounds. But really it isn't going to help. 'There is nothing so bad that alcohol can't make worse'. In a way, it may be the perfect time. A lot of people deal with guilt and shame when they quit from old wounds (It has a habit of floating to the surface for a bit) so you could deal with both at the same time. Sorry, that doesn't sound super positive, but at some point we have to deal with these emotions and it may not be a bad idea to get it over with.
Once you do quit though you will gain a huge amount of self esteem for tackling a problem head on, and your depression will lift. Things are much better on the other side, not always easy, but worth the effort.
I also subscribed to the AA advice of not dating for a year in recovery. For me it was just one thing less to worry about
I'm sure you'll get lots of help and make some good friends here x
Sorry you are having a rough time of it, and I can understand why you would want to cling on to alcohol when you're dealing with fresh wounds. But really it isn't going to help. 'There is nothing so bad that alcohol can't make worse'. In a way, it may be the perfect time. A lot of people deal with guilt and shame when they quit from old wounds (It has a habit of floating to the surface for a bit) so you could deal with both at the same time. Sorry, that doesn't sound super positive, but at some point we have to deal with these emotions and it may not be a bad idea to get it over with.
Once you do quit though you will gain a huge amount of self esteem for tackling a problem head on, and your depression will lift. Things are much better on the other side, not always easy, but worth the effort.
I also subscribed to the AA advice of not dating for a year in recovery. For me it was just one thing less to worry about
I'm sure you'll get lots of help and make some good friends here
x
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Welcome whoaisame1
I made many scenes over the years in similar situations...some really embarrassing stuff.
It happened. I can't change that.
But today lies before me - and I can do as much as I want to make today a great day...and again tomorrow.
I haven't embarrassed myself in public for many years now - that guy was not really who I am.
I'm sure you'll find your true self too - just focus on your recovery for now
D
I made many scenes over the years in similar situations...some really embarrassing stuff.
It happened. I can't change that.
But today lies before me - and I can do as much as I want to make today a great day...and again tomorrow.
I haven't embarrassed myself in public for many years now - that guy was not really who I am.
I'm sure you'll find your true self too - just focus on your recovery for now
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 4
First, I would like to say thank you for all the support! Reading your posts make things much easier for me!
Today was kind of tough. Lot's of regrets. I've been torturing myself over the things I have done recently and the people I have pushed away because of the way I was. But, come to think of it, I didn't even weigh the option of drinking today. I'm so disgusted with what it has done to my life. I realize that I will have the urge to drink again, probably tomorrow, but I will take it one day at a time. I just want to get past all the shame and regrets. It's so damn hard to accept that I have lost some things forever, and it's all my fault. Heading to bed. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.
Today was kind of tough. Lot's of regrets. I've been torturing myself over the things I have done recently and the people I have pushed away because of the way I was. But, come to think of it, I didn't even weigh the option of drinking today. I'm so disgusted with what it has done to my life. I realize that I will have the urge to drink again, probably tomorrow, but I will take it one day at a time. I just want to get past all the shame and regrets. It's so damn hard to accept that I have lost some things forever, and it's all my fault. Heading to bed. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
You can't live in the past or the future. When dealing with addiction and recovery you really have to focus on the present. What can i do to stay sober today? Sure you've made some mistakes and acted the fool but quite honestly i don't know an alcoholic or addict who hasn't. You can't begin to make amends until you make personal progress in sobriety so start there. There is plenty of time to deal with your mistakes later. What's important now is today. Be gentle with yourself and don't let your regrets become a poiskned well of triggers that you can tap at any time that can make you weak to a relapse.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome whoaisame!
I had no real self-esteem either at the end of my drinking. I didn't realize it at the time, but it was the alcohol that was making me anxious and depressed. I felt like I got my soul back when I got sober.
Good for you for making this decision! Like Dee said, just focus on your recovery for now. Things really will get better.....
I had no real self-esteem either at the end of my drinking. I didn't realize it at the time, but it was the alcohol that was making me anxious and depressed. I felt like I got my soul back when I got sober.
Good for you for making this decision! Like Dee said, just focus on your recovery for now. Things really will get better.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 4
Day 5. I'm going with a few friends up to a campground for the day. I'm sure there will be drinking going on. I'm a little nervous but I'm going with my best friend and she knows about my problem. A big part of me wants to drink and have fun with them. I always have fun when I'm around them (no "incidences"). But I know the bigger problem would not be resolved if I give in. Hoping everything goes well today.
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