Trigger on the horizon
 

OMG! When will this end? Payday is on the horizon. Every two flippin' weeks I go through this. I have already started unconsciously begun to scheme ways to get some **** and pay the bills. Basically attempting to come out smelling like a rose. I was just sitting on my balcony smoking a cigarette and boom! My mind started racing and my palms got sweaty. What a crappy trigger....MONEY! That's definately something that I have to work at daily. I am to the point where I do not carry cash at all. My chest is tight. I hate this feeling. I guess it is getting better. At least I am not acting on these thoughts of insanity. As a matter of fact, I laughed at myself. It really isn't funny, but it was all I could do to keep from crying. FRCNA is this weekend. I plan to stay within the conference as long as I can. You know what really sucks? The fact that I may very well feel this way every payday of my f-ing existence. My recovery is young, but God willing it is strong. Pray for me, please.

I'm going to make this real simple for you Free2BClean....Take the word trigger...And replace it with the word excuse. If you are looking for an excuse to drink...You don't need to wait till then...There's thousands of excuses to drink. Take your pick. If you want to continue to not drink...Don't come up with any excuses to drink.

I sure do remember how the triggers can just sneak up on you, out of nowhere. It really helped me to decide that drinking was no longer an option. My mind started to come up with other ideas of how to deal with things.

I wish alcohol were my only vice. My doc is more, whatcha' got, and how long before you get it here. I don't need an excuse to get hi. This is ingrained in me. All I want to do is put this disease to sleep. These thoughts creep up on me like second nature. I wish it were just an "excuse"!

Sapling....EXCELLENT advice!!!

I found checking in here regularly really helped me stay calm and feel accountable Free2BClean...

I think with every payday you get through without blowing it, it will get easier :)

D

Put that money away ASAP. Can you set up a direct deposit or anything like that? I was in a similar state. For a while i didn't carry cash and gave my debit card to my husband. It was a crutch i needed for a while. If i hadn't had that, i would have called an AA member to go shopping with me, filled my gas tank and put the debit card in an envelope with a skull and crossbones drawn on it. I keep my 24 hour coin and the most recent coin (currently my red 3 month coin) in my pocket next to my debit card now. I touch them every time i touch my card and they jingle slightly when i walk. I've had as many as 4 coins in my pocket if it's been an especially trying day! Basically, you know you have a temptation coming up. This is your time to shine. If sobriety was easy, none of us would be here. Take a deep breath, puff your chest out, hold your head up and get through this. You have to fight the battle to win it. If i can do it, you can do it. And i do it. We're here.