Seo

It used to be when I drank there were periods of feeling good and periods of ups and downs.

It seems now that when I dont drink Im still "drunk". my mind is so foggy regardless of whether I drink or not.

I need to get back to a place where I can look at recovery - but I cant seem to do anything. My mind is so switched off until I get my next hit and then I become alive. It feels like Im dead even though Im alive - can anyone relate?

Has anyone ever experienced this? I just feel completely lost and cant get back to a place where I can surrender and let go into step 1.

Any advice on where to begin? I need to get some hope going here. What should I think about doing to get back to a safe place?

Sapling

Welcome to SR...Yeah I've been there...I needed inpatient detox and a couple weeks of rehab just to clear my brain.

Stevie1

I can relate somewhat because that was one reason I drank too. To feel awake and energised and clear-headed. Of course that feeling only lasted maybe the first hour I drank, after that I was just another stumbling drunk who blacked out, then passed out, every night. So obviously mine wasn't a very good plan!

Many people drink for a number of reasons; one being to cover and "self-medicate" for depression, anxiety and similar issues. Have you talked to a doctor about your drinking, and how you are feeling? I think it would be a good idea.

Also going it alone can be very difficult. I am finding support and help through AA...you need something to replace whatever drinking does for you. I'm also starting with a therapist and this morning will talk to him about going back on meds. Not saying that's your deal, but something to consider.

Seo

Well, Im on a quest to get right with Higher power, I need urgently to work out what I believe and how to commune with that "thing". Although its a never ending circle, I drink because I cant handle life and religious people and dont feel HPs presence, I investigate (yet another) religion or sect or practice of spirituality then drink when It doesnt work for me or stops working for me when I see how futile the material outward ways of these groups are. Usually after fighting with the people.

So I am on to something and really trying to find "a reason" and something to replace the alcohol. It has made me very open minded and its a wonderful hobby to investigate sprituality of all sorts and types as an academic exercise. Its becoming more urgent now though and I really think my mind is starting to fail me.

But really about the issue at hand, it would be easier if I hit rock bottom then build from there - right now, Im just numb, I cant do anything, I cant even think . I keep trying to make resolutions and of course we know that never works.

How do "I" if it is me that begins this, do it? What first things do I need to do?

Sapling

It's hard to help yourself if you are drinking...I'd start with that. Talk with a doctor honestly about what your options are for detoxing safely...And take care of that. As far as your Higher Power issues go...Here is an interesting thread from a couple days ago...Maybe you can learn something here....Glad to have you with us.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...aving-god.html

Stevie1

That's a good thread, I think. There are also other secular ways to follow - there's a subforum dedicated to that here on SR. I really like a lot of the material from SMART Recovery and have incorporated some of it...but since I'm early in sobriety (again) I find that frequent meetings and f2f connecting with other people, ie the fellowship, is very important to me. SMART has meetings but there's only a few per month and the nearest is well over an hour away from me.

If you're considering AA, the first thing you need to do - since you asked - is getting your butt to meetings and really listening without trying to think and over-analyze. And be as honest as you can, with yourself and everyone around you. Oh, and the other first thing is talk to a doctor. What you're describing sounds to me like depression, which is treatable. I know exactly what you're referring to with the brain fog.

Seo, also, don't use that tired old nut about having to hit rock bottom before you quit. It's an excuse I used to tell myself too. I'm 54 and have had so many "rock bottoms" I can't even count them all! I would have been much better off had I quit at the first rock bottom...

hypochondriac

Welcome to SR Seo x

Please don't take this the wrong way but it sounds like you are intellectualizing your addiction. I understand your struggles because I think I'm in the same place on the higher power front. But I think you will need to stop drinking first before you'll find any answers. I was actually drinking very little at the end and I was amazed how my thinking changed when I stopped drinking and how much hope came back.

Regarding how you feel physically. I was like that in the end. And unfortunately there is no other way but to just go through the withdrawals. Talk to a doctor. Maybe inpatient care will help. I did it on my own and it took a long time to feel a bit better. But the hope will be back before then and you can get to work on that spiritual stuff

If you are struggling with that path though you could always check out AVRT first, or SMART, or anything just to help you stop drinking. You will have all the time and freedom in the world to sort out your higher power after you stop drinking x

Peter G

I'm taking from that quoted passage that you assume you will survive "rock bottom"? Because so very many of us don't. There's no building anything back when you're dead.

Stop drinking. Sounds facetious but it's not. Really, all the mental gymnastics in the world about "why", "why not", "what's wrong with me", "how come I can't...", "what's the point", e.t.c... only successfully do one thing very well. They keep you drunk.

Same thing can be said for how we alcoholics sometimes make this thing existential and all encompassing, as if the very moment we put down the bottle it's immediately necessary to find God, lose 50kg, make amends, get rich, and save the world from a Zombie Apocalypse. Plainly, the only thing you need to do first is get that rotten $h!t out of your system awhile, and quiet your mind (in as much as possible) by beginning on the steps of AA. And if AA is not for you, some other program, or counseling.

I'll make this assertion to you right now; if you can stop drinking for a length of time greater than... say... 90 days and enter into a solid recovery program, within those 90 days, plans will come and more will be revealed. The fog will shrink, and at that point you will know exactly what lengths you need to travel on your own path to sobriety.

For me, absorbing the BB, and I mean absorbing it, working it, living by it's principles... that kept me sober long enough to see beyond the first 90 days. After which, AVRT became my go-to technique to quickly negate the booze salesman in my head that was always relentless, convincing me to say "f*** it", and drink. It's brilliant in that respect, but it takes a minute to absorb the concept fully. Now, years later, AA works for every other part of this dis-ease for me, because it shows me that sobriety and NOT drinking are 2 entirely different things.

Bottom line is that I had to be sober first to allow for those epiphanies to take place, and the dozens more that followed. And I HAD to work the steps. Meetings and support won't do the work for ya. Gotta open that book with a qualified sponsor and start those steps. Those steps, worked properly, will change it all up for you, and your current fog can honestly morph into clarity of a degree you've never known.

But it starts only once the bottle is finally put down. Until then it's merely more mental gymnastics, rationalizations, and alcoholic insanity.

Sapling

As usual Peter...Spot on.

Seo

Thanks all - thats very useful

Sapling

Good show!....Welcome aboard!!

Seo

Ive had to learn the hard way that of course we are "powerless" - part of the issue with me is the stress of "trying" and "doing" and "wanting" and the "failing" and "falling" which comes after that. Each of these words defeat and work against "surrender".

Anyway, Thanks to you guys today and your love I have a bit of sanity restored to a point where I want to allow myself to re-enter recovery. Its not much but it at least it will allow me to evaluate the situation to see what plans I can make to live for something greater than just me.

Sapling

Cool.