juliusgulius

Hello, my name is Julian. I have been struggling with alcohol addiction for the past 3 years, recently it has taken a turn for the worse, it has gone down a path that has taken a toll on me mentally and physically.I don't know what to do or who or what I should turn to. I have this feeling lately that everyone just cares about themselves... even my best friends.The people reading this thread I feel will respond only to help themselves even though it could potentially and inadvertently help me.I need to make a change but I either don't know how to or I am to scared to attempt it. I am cynical beyond belief and it is starting to affect my relationships with others. I use to be tough enough to take this but something has changed and I don't feel like I have the strength to make it on my own anymore. I feel like I'm watching my life spiral out of control from a third person view and there are no solutions that I have been able to come up with to help myself. people lately seem to avoid me for my cynicism and dark outlook on life, which is probably why I'm on here pouring my heart out.I'm drunk as I write this but I will check for replies in the morning,so if you could spare any advice on similar situations that you have managed to overcome it would bring me a glimmer of hope
thanks for reading

jsch

I can relate to lot of what you said. People for the most are only looking out for themselves and do things to serve themselves. I have a cynical outlook as well and believe this to be the case in general. However there are good people out there that do care about others and will sacrafice themselves to help another. This may not include your current friends. Only you can determine that.
If you do find those individuals that don't have such a huge ego that they can see past themselves, you should appreciate them and hold on to them. I have been lucky enough to have a few come into my life and I am more thankful for them the older I get. I have had to dump those I thought were true friends along the way as it turned out many were just drinking buddies. Many people do find these quality people in aa. Those in aa are more open and kind hearted than your average person so you might want to look into that.
A good way to find out who is real and who is just looking for a self seeking party is to say you are having trouble with alcohol and you are leaving it alone and see who cares about your health and sticks around.

Dee74

Hi Julian

I found myself becoming very cynical too...but I knew that wasn't the whole picture of who I was...and I knew I wanted to get better

You'll find a lot of help support and encouragement here - I remember being amazed at the fact people wanted to help me, but it really is genuine

SR helped me get myself together and out of the drinking rut I'd made for myself - I hope you'll find the same impetus here

Welcome!
D

hypochondriac

Hey Julian

I'm very cynical too. I won't go on about the depths of my cynicism but it's deep! Saying that though, since coming here and going to AA I am getting less cynical on the basis that people really do actually care (and want me to be sober ).

Also I'm realising that it's not all about me. A lot of the times the people who seemingly don't care have just got their own sh;t to deal with. What upset me was that I was drowning and no one noticed. Like no idea. I crawled out of my alcoholic hole without anyone noticing I was in there. But then I never asked for help. I only ever told one person and they were so tied up in their own problems that it didn't really register. You've done a massive thing by coming here and you won't regret it, because, believe it or not, everyone cares about everyone here! And understands exactly how you feel because we've all been there ourselves.

For myself, giving up alcohol has been my greatest achievement that no one else cares about (Seriously, I can't even mention it around my mum because it 'upsets' her!). At times I have felt invincible because I'm so chuffed that I actually managed to stop. This isn't exactly easy, but then nothing worth doing ever is. Once you have quit you will start to feel better every day and that includes your mindset. I was surprised how much of my depressed state was just the alcohol. It really does suck the life out of you.

Have you ever tried to give up drinking before Julian?

Well done on reaching out for help and welcome to SR x

Lucy x

Sapling

I read AA's Big Book...It made a lot of sense to me. This part made me think.

Selfishness - self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.

instant

I was a ball of torment and hurt. I was prickly with others most of the time and i felt rightous in being so. Now i am sober i am far more relaxed, i have more fun. I am learning i can live with a more open heart. I now know there is plenty of goodness in others.

I hope you can find your way.

Even if you don,t want to go to AA, there are many free speaker tapes online

Eddiebuckle

Julian,

I did not consider myself cynical and I think most of the people who knew me thought I was pretty much happy go lucky. I also had a drinking problem, and when I finally had enough and it became clear that I couldn't overcome it through willpower or any other resource at my disposal, I admitted myself into rehab for six weeks. I knew I drank too much, but I definitely wasn't a "living under a bridge" kind of drunk. During those six weeks I was floored at what my body went through - at first I couldn't drink from a cup that was more than half full, I would shake so much I would end up wearing the contents. My girlfriend visited me two weeks after I was admitted, and my thinking was still so unclear if a thought occurred to me while she was speaking, if I didn't respond immediately I could not remember what I had to say when she finished her sentence. Seriously... my brain had about a five second retention time of a thought - if I didn't get it out within five seconds, it was gone forever. Then there were the wild emotional mood swings, which while I was drinking I never experienced. I was floored by all of these things, because to me I didn't think that I had all that much of a drinking problem.

The best analogy I've heard about being addicted to alcohol or drugs is this: to a fish, there is one thing that is obvious to all who see it, but to the fish itself is totally invisible... the water in which it swims.

We have all heard or read that alcohol is a depressant of the central nervous system. When we abuse alcohol for long periods of time, it impacts our central nervous system in ways that affect our thinking, emotions, and our very understanding of the world around us. It is the water in which we swim, and the impact isn't gone when we wake up more or less sober.

My point is this: as a problem drinker who is actively drinking you may believe that you have an objective view and understanding of the world around you, including your drinking. The extended abuse of alcohol is quite possibly the cause of your cynicism, but in any event is likely making you depressed. Get help in any form that you are able, so you can get off the crazy train that active alcoholism is. DO NOT do this without some medical advice - it can kill you. Seriously. I would not have believed it without witnessing a grand mal seizure from three feet away while I was in rehab.

I promise you that when you have gotten past the initial withdrawal and your mind starts to clear up (a matter of weeks), you will see how much alcohol impacted your existence. You will not regret it, and if by some chance you do... it's always there. Alcohol is a patient and ruthless teacher.

Good luck.

soberbrooke

Hi Julian,

I was right where you are 6 months ago. I was hating life, cynical, angry and projecting that crap onto all of my friends and family. I felt like I am not normal, that I was not really "here" at times, but I just kept on drinking, thinking it would go away.

I am now working my program, and I found serenity through AA. I did it right this time. I went to a meeting and asked a woman to be my sponsor, someone who has a lot of sobriety, since 1975 she has been sober. My life has turned around, instead of walking in that perpetual circle, I am now walking on the path of life. It took some work, but it wasn't really that hard. All I did was go to meetings, 90 meetings in 90 days, and am still going to meetings. I go to at least 6 meetings a week. The meetings that I am continuing to go to are helping me to re-wire my brain, they are teaching me what I need to know about myself and they work!!

I had to put my EGO (Easing God Out) aside and let my Soul do the walking. If you can understand that. I am now following what my Soul wants me to do, instead of using my own will for selfish purposes.

My Soul in the past 6 months has taken me on a wonderful ride. I just sit back and let life happen and don't get involved unless I need to. It has been really easy and really hard.

I was there once, I will not go back to those alcoholic feelings of hopelessness. I still feel hopelessness at times, but dealing with them from a sober mind has madde all the difference in the world.

2granddaughters

I was just like you when I was younger.

I found sobriety and peace in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.
The hardest part is walking into the door the first time, once you do you will be right at home.

All the best.

Bob R

desertsong

Hi Julian.

I am a born cynic. Add alcohol and I was even worse. Ironically, we use alcohol to medicate those feelings away, but all it does is amplify them.

Once you get the poison out of your body and your life, your outlook will improve. It won't be instant, and it will take time to work through some of your other stuff (we all have to) but things will look SO much better with a clear head. AA has done that for me. I hope you find your way. We're here to support you.

SamanthaIam

Hey Lucy, I totally relate to what you said about this being the greatest achievement that no one else seemed to notice. Same here. I also feel that many people just turn away from others who are struggling ... that's why SR is my homebase these days. People here do care. And they "get" it.

Julian, I agree with the others who said that alcohol itself exacerbates the problem -- cynicism, depression, isolation -- and that it will feel better when you quit.

That being said, one of the tough lessons of this journey is staying in your center, and not looking to others to validate you. Yes, support is great and necessary. But at the end of the day, you're the one driving the bus, the only one in charge of your own life. We all like and need positive feedback, but for the times when it's not forthcoming, you can still like yourself, feel strong, and keep doing the right things.