Weasel1966

Do you see when you are in no mans land?

I posted today while I was on a natural high. I also posted when feeling slightly less.

Now I am in the thick of things. That place we come too. It's not low and not high. It simply is.

I call it no mans land. The thoughts of where I was and where I want to be collide. Harshly at times.

That does not mean anything more than ... A painful realization of the crossroads every addicted person comes to... Well not everyone. We have lost some along the way.

I'm holding out. Waiting to see the rainbow. Lol... I am color blind... I am... For real. I see color but they are not always correct.

Yet I see rainbows like you do. Vivid. Real.

I sound like a Crazy man right now... But I will take your judgement over not feeling anything.

This is what being ken is like when he's fights the good fight.

I will blend in soon...

Zee

Keep on fighting! Im still in 'no mans land' maybe always was (?)
Good days and bad days!
At least you're not female... that gets tricky every month!
You are doing good! I, for one am really proud of you! xxx

freshstart57

Blending in is not worth the trouble, and would make a boring existence to either observe or to experience.

For me, there was no collision, that crossroads you mention was actually a door that I found, and then opened. I wrapped up my story tightly and while I still have it with me, I don't wear it much anymore. It just doesn't fit.

Zee

I probably meant to say that! But I'm not that poetic

Hevyn

I agree - don't blend, Ken. We like you the way you are. Minus the anxiety, of course.

I was going to respond to your other post & then I saw this one. I was going to say that drinking turned me into a person I didn't even recognize. I did many out-of-character, dangerous and stupid things while drinking. I know that odd and obnoxious person I turn into when drunk - is not the real me. I try to give me a break, and not dwell on all the bad things that happened when I was in that altered state. To do otherwise is to never rise above our drinking past - to be haunted by it forever.

It was Dee, in 2007, who convinced me that I needed to focus on what was yet to be, rather than the road I'd traveled. I wouldn't heal, otherwise. He was so right, and I've lived by those words ever since. It's how I got out of hell and stopped tormenting myself.

Thinking of you tonight - we know you can hold on tight and get through this. I appreciate your posts - they mean a lot, & I'm sure will help others.

Mattcake

Funny, you reminded me that I used "No Man's Land" as my location whenever I slipped.

So I have to disagree ,-) , you're not in No Man's Land, you're right at home. Remember what it feels like?

Weasel1966

thank you ... I feel raw... and to put it out there while i am actually fighting the fight makes it.... better.

I wont give up.... just no one ever saw me like this.

technically you all dont see me either.

but I know you know me.

Thanks for the help. I will be here all night until I need to sleep. Then in the morning I will say hello.

This is not white knuckling it.

This is looking at it straight in the eye.

Thank you again and again.

Hevyn

Well done, Ken. You are never alone, and yes - we know you.

Weasel1966

it took me a while... but now ... if its ok with you all, I am counting on you knowing me.



I will read this in a few months and think... hmmmm... I grew a lot. Right now this is where i am... i accept that.

MalkavianEmily

We're here for you. Whenever you need us, we're here.
SR is here for all of us when we need it.
We're a great bunch of people, and that includes you Weasel. It even includes me, and it's taken a while for me to be able to say that. I might not always like myself, but I'm losing some of the hate.
Glad to have you here. I always get something out of your posts, and I'm sure I'm not the only one.:ghug3

instant

Knowing where you are, and the nature of the territory is a skill I needed to improve in order to stay sober.

2granddaughters

It took me about 20 yrs but today that place is called peaceful reality, without the drama I was used to and I think it's what a normal person would call a serene good day.
I have to take that serene good day and analyze the hell out of it, question it, judge it (using my defective scoring method), condemn it and wish I was having a serene good day ...... know what I mean??

Today, if I'm in the "middle" somewhere, that's great. Enjoy the calm.
My problem is enjoying calm just doesn't seem natural ........

To an alcoholic it's no-man's land. To a normal person it's a good day.

All the best.

Bob R

freshstart57

Ken, you are developing the skill that Instant talks about. Some call it mindfulness, the act of watching yourself be, watching yourself think, watching yourself experience the thoughts and feelings of the day. Watching and accepting without judgement. You are giving yourself some 'space' around your thoughts. Very cool.