Losing friends when sober...
 

I wasn't going to post about this but it's kinda got to me. I'm a few month's sober, and went out with some of my old drinking buddies the other night (I haven't before, or I've only seen one of them who I do like).

One in particular hasn't contacted me, but it may have been because he wanted to leave me alone. He's kind of the ring leader (always telling "jokes" about others) asked me why I'd stopped and I said "it doesn't agree with me". He was laughing and saying "I could have told you this years ago". They were then laughing about something I'd done when I was drinking.

I'd spoke to this guy years ago and said "I don't think I'm good when drunk" and he'd said "you're fine, you're a nice drunk". I realise I was probably the entertainment. He then asked me what was my "eureka" moment that drove me to finally stop and he talked over me. He then went on to cuddle me and call me by someone else's name for 10 mins as he was drunk.

When I got home, I had drinking dreams... dreamt I was at the bar being asked to buy alcoholic drinks and I was tempted.

I think there's a link there, that maybe I should avoid them. But I tend to attack myself and think.. well everyone else was comfortable with the dynamics of the group that night, and making fun of others, maybe I'm the one with the problem.

Just move on and start making other connections? I do have other friends, I guess it's just time for change. I feel a bit sad as in some ways some of the group were good friends (and some will stay that way) but most of them won't be. I also don't like the way this guy mocks others, but often felt to be the only one feeling that. I was smiling as he said stuff about me but in reality I can tell I'm angry now. Anyone been there?

Hi regeneration

I think there can be a 'cost' to sobriety, and a loss of some good (and some not so good) friendships may be part of it. But you never know - some of those friends may follow your lead in time and the friendships can be renewed in a better and healthier setting.

For me...It was as simple as this.

I'm suffering from the same thing. I think it's something all of us go through in some capacity or other. Usually we hang out with people similar to us, so when we decided to quit, we lose these friends. In the end, It's for the best. If they are truly good friends, they should understand, and be supportive.

i could be wrong but maybes your only connection to this friend was drink and now you dont drink youse dont see each other in the same light anymore whereas a true friend would stand by you with your descision to not drink and still associate with you. The fact that me mocks other people also seems to show me that he could have his own troubles going on and rather than admit it he mocks other people to make him feel better in himself. since iv been drinking i can be a right 50 faced bitch about most people and i believe its jealousy that there lives have turned out better than mine whereas when i wasnt drinking i used to be thankful i wernt them. you said he asked what your eureka moment was, maybes that was a genuine question to try and work out if he has a problem.

regeneration, for years I hung out with a very heavy-drinking group of people and I remember being that guy (well, gal) who was the center of attention...and also the person who used to tease others about their drinking behaviour.

Of course, looking back I realise now: I was uncomfortable with my own behaviour and talking about others made me feel superior <insert wry laugh> and deflected attention from my own misdeeds. On several levels I was being neither kind (a real friend) or honest and in retrospect I'm not sure I would have wanted me as a friend.

Anhow tl;dr - Real friends will stick around for a long time. Drinking friends have served their purpose in your life and it's OK to let go.

Why did I hang around with the people I hung around with?...Because they drank...The more the better. Why don't I hang around with them now?.....Because I don't drink now.

also this is slightly similar to you but different. i have had no friends for a long time. i used to when i would go to clubs but since iv had a family and would rather stay at home than go out every weekend getting drunk i dont have friends anymore as obviously our only connection was going out getting drunk and to be honest i dont care as iv realised my only true friends are the family around me. my mother has had to dealt with so much rubbish from me and shes never dumped me like a friend who cant be bothered with you anymore would, she has sttod by me through thick and thin which shows she shes not just my mother shes what a true friend should be. same with my bf, hes dealt with so much and hes stood by me which shows me i dont need these so called friends.

I don't know about that - "drinking together" was only one facet of my relationship with people and it certainly wasn't the only reason I hung around with them. It was much more complex than that. I've always had non-drinking friends too, as long as I remember and for entire three decades I drank and used.

It's complex, that's why it's not that simple to simply drop people you've been involved with for years. I wouldn't consider myself capable of real friendship if I dropped people willy-nilly just because I changed something in my life.

I have no real problem not drinking with friends who do because i am outgoing and hold my own, I do find they get obnoxious the more they drink so I leave (this is usually Happy Hour with co workers) and don't think i miss much...lol

The BIG problem I have...and its BIG...is that I don't have a good relationship with my husband unless I am drinking! Sober we don't even seem to speak the same language! Sober I feel he is a narcissistic a**, and he probably is!

I have the same worries...though not about losing friends but a 30 yr marriage!
Yikes my kids are gonna be pi**ed...lol but I have to stop!

If they are real friends...You don't have to drop anybody....They'll be there...If you stop drinking and you dont hear from them...You'll have a pretty good idea what kind of friends they were. I didn't go out with a hatchet list....Time took care of sorting that out for me. Time takes care of all kinds of things.

True, but I was responding to your post where you said:
"Why did I hang around with the people I hung around with?...Because they drank...The more the better."
Which gave the impression that you befriended people simply because they would drink heavily with you.

I found that ethyl alcohol was the chemical that 'bound' the majority of my friendships, after its' removal, I began to find both the situations and the majority of the people pretty boring. For the benefit of my health and sanity i've well and truly moved on.

The guy mocks others and it makes you uncomfortable. Maybe others are more comfortable because they've been drinking. It's good to explore new interests/friendships, though not always easy. But this guy disses you right to your face - I think you deserve better "friends" than that. When I stopped when much younger (sober for a couple decades before I decided to go middle-age crazy and now stop again), I had "friends" tease me that I was no fun anymore. It was just my idea of fun had changed. Over time, I made great friends with more diverse interests than drinking. Chin up! You've got this.

Come to think of it I remember my son having to quit drinking because he had a job where they would test you randomly at the drop of a hat. He was afraid of losing his party friends...you know what he kinda did...but he found others, went on to get a BA then a Master's and has a great job. Those friends? they are still drinking every night, hanging out and making minimum wage.

Not all friends are meant for life but for a particular passage of your journey...sounds as if you are ready for a new passage. Good for you!

I am ready for a new passage too! YAY!

I definitely had to change my playground (bars) and playmates (drinking buddies) to achieve lasting sobriety. Out of all those people at the bars, there were 2 or 3 real friends.

I have made new friends now in AA, and other friends as well, some drink but none to my knowledge have a drinking problem. In fact I can go to parties now and not drink, (I couldn't in early sobriety) but I still stay away from bars. That is a risk I am not prepared to take.

same here aug73 infact when me and my partner first met and hed do things i wernt happy with i wouldnt mention it sober but as soon as i had a drink i would blow and tell him everything which lead to bad arguments. weve been together 5 years now and we dont argue half as much as we used to as i feel we cleared the air years ago but i wish i could have done it whilst sober. i find i cant have sex unless im drunk (sorry to mentiion it but im just being honest) as i feel so self concious when im sober but i believe talking to a therapist might help with that as i think it could be down to being used in the past.

Hi Regeneration. Congratulations on your sobriety. It doesn't even sound like that was a good or fun experience for you (being out with your pals). I've been sober over 15 months & my circle is very small now. I do have my bouts of loneliness for sure. But most of my "friends" weren't even that. They were just bar stool friends. It wasn't very real & now I look back & see so many years wasted. Now, when I end up with some of those people, I see how I have grown & am in a much better place. To this day they are still gossiping about the same old stuff, having the same old problems (when I end up with them socially at a bbq or something). It feels old & heavy to me to be around all that so I just have to move on. It takes a while to develop new relationships. Maybe nurture the better relationships you do have. The guy you were with that mocks people~ that's not good for you or anyone else...chances are a lot of people in that group are tired of that.

It sure takes some of our acquaintances/friends a long time to get it though, doesn't it? It really doesn't matter though. It's up to us to make our path on our own. Leaving the bad in the dust and picking up the good stuff along our journey. Best wishes to you, Regeneration.

i had a friend whos other mates dumped her when she was pregnant cos she couldnt go out so i would go to the bingo with her regulary then after her 2nd child i believe she wanted to be back with these mates so her only way to get back with them was to go out and get drunk most of the time. she has 2 young children yet nearly every picture you see of her on facebook is of her night life and shes always having nights away with her mates and leaving her kids with family which kinda disgusts me, i understand she may have got lonely whilst being pregnant but i feel like shes gone crawling back to these mates and the only way to keep them is for her to follow them in their club crawls week after week.

I'm dealing with this, too. I'm very newly sober and just taking things a day at a time, but for now I've decided not to be around my friends that drink heavily-it either triggers me or just makes me uncomfortable. I think it's OK to just take care of yourself, treat yourself gently, don't do or be with anyone that makes you uncomfortable if you can avoid it...

I know for me that will mean letting some people go, and I really grieve those losses (well, most of them. Ha.) BUT- I know this is a big life change I'm undertaking and so lots of the details of my life will need to be different, right??? This is one of the unpleasant ones but I'm certain there will be lots of others that are absolutely wonderful.

All the best.