DisplacedGRITS

My sobriety has been going wonderfully. I am closinf in on 120 Days and feel very strong. My problem is that while my battle with alcohol has been going well, my battle with my eating disorder is holding steady or worse. I binge/purge and am bulimic where i don't keep down many meals. My weight is ok. I am not underweight at all but my teeth are wearing away (they have been for years), my tongue is raw and i've had problems with my electrolytes in the past where i've had to be put on suppliments to prevent me from being at risk of a heart attack (i'm 31). I purge multiple times a day and i just don't know how to quit or even if i want to. It's so a part of me. It's not like quitting alcohol. When i quit drinking i made the decision to not drink again. Ever. I can't decide to never eat again. Whenever i eat, even healthy food, i can feel the food inside me and i am physically and mentally overwhelmed by it. I feel panicked. I have had mild panic attackes when i can't purge after eating. I can't stand the feeling of food in my stomach. I'm afraid that if i decide to stop purging the way i decided to stop drinking it will lead to me becoming anorexic. I seem to be becoming a person of extremes in this respect. So many other parts of my life have come into a happy balance but this seems so hopelessly out of wack. I'm not sure if i'm asking for help or advice or support here or if i'm just getting this off my chest. I feel guilty when i give advice to people here regarding their addictions when i'm failing so miserably in mine. I don't mean to be two faced. I'm just not sure what path i'm going to take regarding my ED. My therapist knows about it and is working with me but even she says it's harder to overcome than alcohol and has questioned my resolve to deal with it right now. Perhaps when i'm more solid in my sobriety i'll be ready to face this devil of 9 years. I want to be a normie with food but i know i will never see it the way most people do and it makes me sad.

Jeni26

Thankyou for your honesty and for sharing that with us.
I developed anorexia in my early teens which I did successfully overcome with therapy. It was my way of gaining control over an environment in which I had none.
Is your therapist trained specifically in eating disorders? This may require some highly specialised help.
I wish you all the very best, and really hope you can move forwards. This is so damaging for you mentally and physically.
You've done so brilliantly with the drinking by the way.
Love and hugs xx

DisplacedGRITS

Thanks Jeni. My therapist isn't specific to EDs so after some more alcohol sobriety i'm probably going to switch over to someone who is. I think i've been able to put it on the back burner for so long because of my alcoholism that now it's really rearing it's ugly head and becoming something i know i have to deal with. I know that i can't live a truely happy, fulfilling life with this monkey on my back. It's just so frustrating to know that i'm going to be going through everything all over again with my ED just like in the beginning with my alcoholism.

Jeni26

I can understand you being scared, this has become a part of you that will be hard to let go. But with the right help you can do this.
Seek out that help.
Wishing you all the best xxx

suki44883

Yeah, I think eating disorders are different animal that alcoholism. We have to eat to live, so it's not like we can just quit. My daughter had an eating disorder for a while and she got really thin and it scared me. She was having other disorders too, like cutting herself. It's a really scary time for a parent when they are so helpless and see their child wasting away or physically harming themselves.

The fact that you realize you need help in this area is a good thing. My daughter refused help because she didn't think she had a problem, despite the fact that she was unbelievably thin. She is better now, but she recently told me that the thought of purging was still in the back of her mind. I guess it's something that lurks, waiting for the right time to strike, just like any other addiction.

Hang in there and get the help you need. You are several steps ahead of some who don't consider that they even have a problem.

mecanix

I used to be bulimic before the drinking started . i managed to quit throwing up but i still binge eat meaning i'm now fat .
I don't mind this as much because at least my problem has some visibillity , there was nothing worse than being told i was slim and healthy looking after i'd just forced myself to be sick , it just re-inforced how little others know of the difficulties we face .

I believe that my experience , hope and strength in attaining and maintaining sobriety is worth sharing , as i believe is yours .

Thankyou for sharing this as it re-affirms to me that there is more work for me to be getting on with in my life , no time like the present eh ? no present like the time ..

Change4good

I don't have any experience here, so won't offer advice. Just a kind word to say I am thinking of you, and wish you well with this problem. You have shown such strength kicking booze, so you know you are pretty amazing.

Again, sending good thoughts your way grits.

LDT

Hi DG,

There is an eating disorders thread here on SR that you might find helpful. EDs are so complex. They are not like other addictions. As you said, one doesn't "have" to drink, but one must eat. I developed anorexia when I was drinking. Both alcohol and food were my enemies. Actually, alcohol, Xanax and food were my enemies. I'm also a "person of extremes" ......it's pretty much all or nothing for me. But I'm 17 months sober today, and have my health back. Today I feel great and so will you!

Congrats on your sober time! You're doing great!

aeo1313

Been there...and when I was in the midst of my worst bulimia it was the darkest time in my life- so out of control- worse than any drinking or drugging.

I was anorexic in middle school and was hospitalized and got better for quite a few years. When I was 19 it struck again and one day turned on a dime into full blown horrible bulimia. Days would be spent binging and purging. It got so bad I planned on killing myself. Instead I checked into an intensive outpatient program at the hospital in my college town. It was based on cognitive therapy and although I've had a few (maybe 1-3 times year) one time slip ups I am better. That was 16 years ago. You can recover from bulimia. It is VERY VERY difficult, but it can be done. I know that feeling of having the food in your stomach and wanting to crawl out of your skin. It gets better...I promise it can. I am proof of that.

I needed a hospital program to get better and I was the only one with an ED in the group- people were there for drugs, alcohols, depression, etc. In college I was in an ED support group with other college girls and that was not good- I spent all my time judging who was skinnier.

Life without an ED is amazingly better!! Feel free to PM me.

Ann