Excessive

I’m new here, I’m so sorry to make my first post so long but I haven’t had a lot of other opportunities to talk about this. I’ve been diagnosed with depression, which has been going on since I was thirteen or fourteen. I was on Zoloft briefly but it didn’t work for me. I tested out of high school at fifteen. I’m going to college in the fall, I always had a high gpa and got a scholarship for my SAT scores but I found high school stifling and wanted to move on. When I was sixteen, I studied abroad which was ultimately a horrible experience and I came back after three months (I was originally supposed to stay for eleven…). After coming back to the States, I took some time off to be with friends and think about what I wanted to do. I ended up at least thinking I fell in love, and I sabotaged it with cheating. I have always had an intense fear of commitment while he was completely comfortable talking about marriage and kids with me. A few weeks after this ended, I started using cocaine and went back to hooking up with someone that takes advantage of me… and me being drunk.

After the first time doing coke I was doing it everyday for about a month, and was able to stop when my parents found out after a bad experience with ecstasy. My then best friend decided I had a serious problem and assumed a parent role. I couldn’t deal with her being so controlling and stopped talking to her. She later attempted suicide. My parents, who are divorced, both basically agreed to take a punitive approach to what I was going through. There was no empathy, no understanding, I was only told that I was a criminal and this happened because I’m not achievement-oriented enough. My mother also had an alcohol problem so I couldn’t believe the hypocrisy. They suggested I go to an outdoor school sort of thing in Mexico for a month. I felt pressured but I agreed and again, I quit and left after a week. I began abusing adderall (I don’t have a prescription and have no reason to need one) and drinking heavily, the former of which caused me to have auditory hallucinations… possibly the beginning stages of amphetamine psychosis.

I turned seventeen this month, which really made me reflect on who I am and who I’ve been, since I spent my birthday feeling like I’m forty when I’m still a teenager. I’m extremely precocious, independent, and impulsive. It can be a good thing but in this case it’s been a contributing factor to not only my substance abuse but so many things that I take too far. Shopping, sex, drugs, alcohol… it’s all excessive. I turn everything into an extreme. I’ve put so much effort into trying to understand how I got where I am, why I can’t escape this gray area between addiction and recreational drug use. I’ve realized that so much of it revolves around my anxiety surrounding how I look. I’ve been told that I’m beautiful, I could be a model, I’m very thin, I’ve gotten plenty of male attention, whatever. But that is just not what I see in the mirror and I know if I opened up to anyone they would think I’m histrionic and fishing for compliments. I wouldn’t say I have an eating disorder but I’ve only recently worked on not restricting how much I eat, and as a result of that along with going on the pill four months ago I’ve gained about fifteen pounds and went from a 32B to a 32D. I’m now 5’6” and I weigh 125. Besides my size, I can easily find a million things wrong with my face and I assume my family and friends just think I’m conceited because of how much time I spend in front of a mirror and obsessing over my appearance. I’m uncomfortable in public and with compliments because I feel like everyone is mocking me, and I know it seems like ridiculous paranoia but I feel like people stare at me and it seems like a sick game of making fun of the ugly girl. I’ve read about body dysmorphia and although I can admit that I meet all of the criteria I still honestly believe what I think about myself is true and that it’s justified.

I know I’m the kind of person who needs to be consciously sober, with no exceptions, to be in control of my life. I’m also aware that I will not be this lucky forever. I’m alive and have never been arrested and that will change if I don’t stop this. But as long as I’m this insecure I’m going to want to seek out confidence in drugs and alcohol and I don’t know what to do. I guess I’m looking for some perspective and hopefully a bit of support, and of course I’d love to hear from others if you can relate to any of this in any way Thanks so much.

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

I'm glad you found us and decided to post.

My suggestion would be to start with your family dr. It could be that therapy, a referral from your dr, could be helpful to you. Also, you mentioned trying Zoloft which didn't work, but it's not unusual to need to try several antidepressants before you find one that works for you.

I'm adding these links to my post, which are websites that are Teen-based, but you might find that you're more comfortable here. We do have a forum for Eating Disorders which you could check out.


Family Teens Group - Support For Teens Affected by Alcoholism or Addiction within the Family.
Family Teens Message Board - Family Teens Message Board
Miracles In Progress Family Teens Group - For Teens whose lives are adversely effected by Alcoholism within the Family. Webmaster: John Freifeld

sharp75

i personally think your problems with your appreance are through drink and drugs. i dont know anything about body dysmorphioa but i do know that drink and drugs can make you feel ugly. i can admit that im not the best looking person in the world but i wouldnt say i was ugly but the way drink can make you look is unbelievable. i used to care about my appearance but lately i wear horrible clothes for days on end with may hair scraped back to try and hide the grease which doesnt work 100 per cent so i feel like people look at me thinking im a scrubber. i was never like that, people used to say i was pretty and always looked nice but now my appearance is the complete opposite to what i used to be so i wont go out the house unless absolutely need to. like i said i dont know about that dysmorphia thing but if you do have it the drink and drugs will be making it 100 times worse

Excessive

Thank you guys I'll definitely check out the links.

2granddaughters

Also Google and read AA's "The Doctors Opinion" and "How It Works"... see if you can identify.

All the best.

Bob R

fairenough

I can identify with nearly everything you mentioned. I'm not getting into all the specifics right now, but relate to what you're facing. I applaud your realization and honesty at your age. I, too, wasn't challenged with school, skipped grades, etc. I attended college classes almost a decade before my peers. You sound a whole lot like me. I completely understand the body dysmorphic disorder, as well. I'm now middle-aged and still dealing with it. Please talk to a psychologist. Try until you find one that's a good fit and one that uses cognitive behavioral therapy as part of her/his toolbox. You realize things have to change, so please do it. Continuing to self-medicate may leave you like me, a middle-aged ex-druggie and recovering alcoholic with little self-esteem and no great life prospects due to the crap I've put myself through and what I've allowed others to do. My ex-husband used to tell me nothing was wrong, that I needed no help because it was all in my own head and, in his words, "You're the genius. YOU figure it out!" Which made me feel worse because I truly needed outside help. Get that help now. If you wait, you could be laid off the job with no money and no way to get professional help. Believe me, it's better you deal with it now and don't waste your gifts. I still have some hope, but it's getting tougher at this age.

elizabeth1967

I admire you for being so young at realizing you have a problem I am 45 and realizing it so be proud of yourself to acknowledge that and want to do something about your issues.

Dee74

welcome to the SR community Excessive

D

soberbrooke

I can relate. I wish I would have stopped when I was 17. I was introduced to AA at that time. and didn't get it. I am now 42, and I finally got it.
What I was missing in my life was a connection with my Higher Power, I finally got it this time, through AA and my sponsor. The drinking and drugs were my God for the longest time, now I have a strong connection with my God, and it feels great to be alive again.

Excessive

Fairenough - that means so, so much to me. Thank you. What your ex husband said really got to me (and I'm glad he's your ex...). I assume that a lot of my family is going to be in denial about my situation but thankfully I've had to learn how important it is to avoid taking people seriously when they try to tell you who you are. Have you seen a psychologist for the BDD? It would be nice to hear if cognitive behavioral therapy works from someone who's been through it.

Thanks to everyone who replied, it really made a difference.

fairenough

A method which teaches you how to process and respond differently can be a challenge, but is very effective. Only when I get in my own way and use my old ways of thinking does it fail - that's me, not the method. It's very common for others to think there's really nothing wrong with you when you have BDD. It's also common for you, yourself, to think you're behaving in a conceited manner (and sometimes others may misuderstand and think the same). Please give therapy a chance. The BDD may get worse, along with other issues, as long as you continue to self medicate. I remember at your age going through so much of the same. Wow, I never seemed to finish much of anything, always quit and had some excuse, was a definite extremist, chose guys who treated me poorly, etc., etc., blah, blah, blah. You can make your life much more fulfilling. Hopefully your family will help you through this journey. If not, I hope you have the courage to do it anyway!