very frustrated
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 4
very frustrated
Hello Everyone!
I am on day 81 and going to AA meetings weekly. This is the first time I have used a program to stop drinking. I am one of those many high functioning alcoholics. I take care of my bills, excell at work and keep up appearances with regular people. There is one person who has seen the worst of me in every angle. My fiance, or boyfriend (doesn't look like we will get married anytime soon) has stayed with me for 5 years, we will call him Mark.
Most, if not all of this post will be about my relationship with Mark. I feel like we keep going in circles and I just don't know what to think anymore.
Throughout the years I have been very abusive to Mark. On black out nights I would yell and scream at him. Tell him he's not good enough. Just really mean stuff.. and if I went out and blacked out.... I only know what people would tell me the next day. I am very fortunate to be here now.
The past 81 days have been rough. I now have to face my life and all the things I've avoided over the years and one of those includes living with a very angry man.
At first I just took it. He would come home mad and curse at me, tell me I can't do anything right and order me around the house. I felt like I deserved this and just stayed quiet.
Around day 40 I began feeling very tired and depressed. I didn't want to get up every few minutes to get him something out of the fridge. I didn't want to get out of bed and going to work felt like a struggle, which is not normal for me. For the next several days, I reacted to his demands and curses. When he called me a name I shouted, "you don't have to call me that!" He yelled back well you should have done all that you did! We did this back and forth many times and I finally figured out that I wasn't helping the situation.
I talked to a couple people in AA about controlling my anger. They reminded me that I needed to respond to situations and not react. So now I go back home to Mark and have a conversation with him. I told that I feel like he speaks to me in an angry tone and it hurst my feelings when he calls me names. He responded with, well after everything you did, I don't want to be nice to you. I told him he doesn't have to be nice, he just doesn't have to be mean either. I let him know that I can't expect him to act like everything is perfect now that I am not drinking and that it will take time to strengthen our relationship. I would like to start by taking it a day at a time and being supportive and compassionate towards eachother.
He told me he would refrain from calling me names but if he comes off mean to me I just have to understand that he's still dealing with all the crap I put him through. I was not very happy with this answer but decided to just leave it be.
We are still fighting on a daily basis. My biggest challenge is not getting so angry I start yelling. I have decided to stop this problem before it even begins. So today, he comes home and I was standing in the middle of the room. I said Hi and he says 'get out of my way' in a nasty tone. I sat down and calmly said, "you sound angry." He then began to spill the beans about some stress at work. Inside I congratulate myself because usually I would take his attitude personally or I would shell out attitude.
A little later while we were talking he started speaking to me in a tone that made me feel little, I told him I didn't like how he was talking to me and he stopped.
Again, we were talking in the kitchen and he said "that's a lie" I said no really and repeated whatever I said. He told me he didn't believe me and I walked away because I could feel my heart starting to race. He said where are you going. I told him that I could feel myself getting upset and I'm going to sit and calm down. This is when he started telling me that I can't do anything right and that I'm trash. This is when I let it go. I began yelling at him.
I don't know what to do about my anger. And I am confused as to how to handle his behavior. He refuses to go to Al Anon and we just moved here from out of state so me going to a friends house is not possible.
Sorry for the long post. Any help is appreciated and I thank you in advance.
I am on day 81 and going to AA meetings weekly. This is the first time I have used a program to stop drinking. I am one of those many high functioning alcoholics. I take care of my bills, excell at work and keep up appearances with regular people. There is one person who has seen the worst of me in every angle. My fiance, or boyfriend (doesn't look like we will get married anytime soon) has stayed with me for 5 years, we will call him Mark.
Most, if not all of this post will be about my relationship with Mark. I feel like we keep going in circles and I just don't know what to think anymore.
Throughout the years I have been very abusive to Mark. On black out nights I would yell and scream at him. Tell him he's not good enough. Just really mean stuff.. and if I went out and blacked out.... I only know what people would tell me the next day. I am very fortunate to be here now.
The past 81 days have been rough. I now have to face my life and all the things I've avoided over the years and one of those includes living with a very angry man.
At first I just took it. He would come home mad and curse at me, tell me I can't do anything right and order me around the house. I felt like I deserved this and just stayed quiet.
Around day 40 I began feeling very tired and depressed. I didn't want to get up every few minutes to get him something out of the fridge. I didn't want to get out of bed and going to work felt like a struggle, which is not normal for me. For the next several days, I reacted to his demands and curses. When he called me a name I shouted, "you don't have to call me that!" He yelled back well you should have done all that you did! We did this back and forth many times and I finally figured out that I wasn't helping the situation.
I talked to a couple people in AA about controlling my anger. They reminded me that I needed to respond to situations and not react. So now I go back home to Mark and have a conversation with him. I told that I feel like he speaks to me in an angry tone and it hurst my feelings when he calls me names. He responded with, well after everything you did, I don't want to be nice to you. I told him he doesn't have to be nice, he just doesn't have to be mean either. I let him know that I can't expect him to act like everything is perfect now that I am not drinking and that it will take time to strengthen our relationship. I would like to start by taking it a day at a time and being supportive and compassionate towards eachother.
He told me he would refrain from calling me names but if he comes off mean to me I just have to understand that he's still dealing with all the crap I put him through. I was not very happy with this answer but decided to just leave it be.
We are still fighting on a daily basis. My biggest challenge is not getting so angry I start yelling. I have decided to stop this problem before it even begins. So today, he comes home and I was standing in the middle of the room. I said Hi and he says 'get out of my way' in a nasty tone. I sat down and calmly said, "you sound angry." He then began to spill the beans about some stress at work. Inside I congratulate myself because usually I would take his attitude personally or I would shell out attitude.
A little later while we were talking he started speaking to me in a tone that made me feel little, I told him I didn't like how he was talking to me and he stopped.
Again, we were talking in the kitchen and he said "that's a lie" I said no really and repeated whatever I said. He told me he didn't believe me and I walked away because I could feel my heart starting to race. He said where are you going. I told him that I could feel myself getting upset and I'm going to sit and calm down. This is when he started telling me that I can't do anything right and that I'm trash. This is when I let it go. I began yelling at him.
I don't know what to do about my anger. And I am confused as to how to handle his behavior. He refuses to go to Al Anon and we just moved here from out of state so me going to a friends house is not possible.
Sorry for the long post. Any help is appreciated and I thank you in advance.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Welcome to SR devotchka...That doesn't sound easy....I was going to recommend Al Anon for him but I see you've already tried that...I applaud you for giving up drinking and going to AA for support...Congrats on 81 days!! My first 3 months were tough on the emotions and I had people around me supporting me....I can understand it's tough on him too...But using your past as a weapon against you has to be brutal. I don't know...Keep working on your recovery...Do you have a sponsor?...Working the steps?...You could look into counceling and see if he'd be up to that...Not sure I'd want to start a marriage off on the foundation you guys have right now...Sounds a little shaky. I wish you the best...Be sure and read and post here...This is a great site for support...And I'm glad you found us! The solution in AA is the 12 steps...It gives us tools to deal with that kind of stuff...Keep busy working on those!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 4
Thanks for your reply. No sponser yet. I keep clamming up at meetings :X I have shared a few times and I have a few phone numbers but I am not calling anyone. I never considered myself a phone person, but I know I will need to get comfortable with it. How did you find your sponser?
As for the steps, I am personally working on them. Getting ready to start step 3. Step 2 was quite difficult for me. Well, I guess they all are, considering it took me years to do step 1!
As for the steps, I am personally working on them. Getting ready to start step 3. Step 2 was quite difficult for me. Well, I guess they all are, considering it took me years to do step 1!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
It's better to do them with a sponsor...Take a look at this site...It has great info on meeting and it talks about sponsorship...AA is a wonderful program...Keep your mind open to it...And work it...It will change your life.
Your First AA Meeting<
Your First AA Meeting<
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
wow!! sounds like you are living with the old me and nobodyshould have to live with someone like that.
devotchka, i highly suggest ya get ome courage and get a sponsor. i dont know about bringing all this up at a meeting. you may not want all that out there, but assistance from a sponsor or other recovering alcohlic would be highly suggested.
just to add, when i was the man you describe, the best move any woman i was in a relationship with made was to throw me out of their lives.
devotchka, i highly suggest ya get ome courage and get a sponsor. i dont know about bringing all this up at a meeting. you may not want all that out there, but assistance from a sponsor or other recovering alcohlic would be highly suggested.
just to add, when i was the man you describe, the best move any woman i was in a relationship with made was to throw me out of their lives.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,934
If you are in the program of AA you need to get a sponsor. When I first started AA, like a lot of people I figured I could sponsor myself. I soon realized my "sponsor" was a fool who didn't know much about using the program of AA to get sober.
I decided if I was going to try AA I was going to do it all the way, and I got a real sponsor.
I decided if I was going to try AA I was going to do it all the way, and I got a real sponsor.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi and welcome devotcha
I think early recovery is a rough ride - both for us, and for our loved ones.
As I got more and more into recovery I got a better idea of who sober me was and what I wanted from life. I think you will too.
Some people changed along with me, and others fell by the wayside.
Like any relationship, I think time will tell in your case
It sounds like you have a lot of baggage on both sides. Would couples therapy be an option?
I know you'll find a lot of support here in any case - welcome to SR
D
I think early recovery is a rough ride - both for us, and for our loved ones.
As I got more and more into recovery I got a better idea of who sober me was and what I wanted from life. I think you will too.
Some people changed along with me, and others fell by the wayside.
Like any relationship, I think time will tell in your case
It sounds like you have a lot of baggage on both sides. Would couples therapy be an option?
I know you'll find a lot of support here in any case - welcome to SR
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: SE Michigan
Posts: 1,066
Devotchka, congratulations on your 81 days - especially with all the anger in your relationship with Mark. You must be really strong. I hope he starts working on his own crap pretty soon for the sake of your relationship. Why won't he go to Al-Anon, or take some steps towards taking responsibility for his behaviour? Where I live there are lots of meetings and some are combined AA/Al-Anon.
If you've been drinking for all the time you've been together, he may be threatened or uncomfortable with the sober you...you just changed the rules and he can't handle it.
The first time I went to AA I went to meetings for a few months, but never got a sponsor, then relapsed big-time. This time around, I decided to get more serious about the program. Like you, I wasn't sure how to find a sponsor. So I asked a couple of women I'd chatted a bit with after meetings, and both suggested someone. I went up to her asking if she knew anyone who would work with me and she suggested we go out for coffee after the meeting and talk about it. She is now my sponsor and I really like her. You don't have to speak up in a meeting or make phone calls...people will be very receptive and willing to help if you approach them before or after a meeting.
If you've been drinking for all the time you've been together, he may be threatened or uncomfortable with the sober you...you just changed the rules and he can't handle it.
The first time I went to AA I went to meetings for a few months, but never got a sponsor, then relapsed big-time. This time around, I decided to get more serious about the program. Like you, I wasn't sure how to find a sponsor. So I asked a couple of women I'd chatted a bit with after meetings, and both suggested someone. I went up to her asking if she knew anyone who would work with me and she suggested we go out for coffee after the meeting and talk about it. She is now my sponsor and I really like her. You don't have to speak up in a meeting or make phone calls...people will be very receptive and willing to help if you approach them before or after a meeting.
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