aeo1313

I will have 60 days tomorrow. The past few days I have decided I am going to drink again. I haven't yet, but figured it's no big deal if I have a drink here and there. I know how that sounds.

Anyway, my husband misses me drinking. My friend invited me over tonight for drinks. I am tired and didn't want to go. I didn't feel like socializing, didn't feel like drinking, and didn't feel like doing anything but laying in bed and watching tv. I sent my husband over alone bc i knew he wanted to do something.

I feel bad- kids have been on vacationa ll week and this was our last night without them and I just want to watch tv (I worked tonight and got home at 9:30). I am so confused and I already know everything that you all are going to say to me- but maybe I need to hear it.

Before january I neve thought to get treatment for my drinking- it was the hydrocodone that pushed me. It was never a problem for me to have an occasional drink with dinner or out at night and stop at 1 or 2. Not a big deal. Except for the few times a month when I didn't stop at 1 or 2. No one in my life ever had a problem with my drinking.

I'm going to go cuddle with my dog- her I will socialize with tonight.

DisplacedGRITS

It's your decision but are you happy with it?

aeo1313

Which decision? To stay home tonight and have my husband go out without me?

Sapling

You know what to do aeo....Get your 60 day chip and don't drink.

DisplacedGRITS

Do you feel happy about your decision to start drinking? Please don't think i'm judging you because i'm not. I'm just honestly curious because you seem glum and i wasn't sure if it was due to the decision to drink or if it was something else.

aeo1313

I feel glum bc it's our last night without kids and I sent my husband to go alone and hang out with our friends while I stay home. I feel stupid, like a loser, boring, etc...why would anyone want to be married to me- I have nothing to offer. I don't want to have fun- I want to go to bed tonight. I am jealous. He's out there drinking with my friend and her boyfriend and I'm at home.

These past 60 days have been fine without drinking. I just don't really feel like going to AA anymore or doing any of the work involved in it.

I know I am depressed temporarily. With the kids gone and me not working much I have sat around doing almost nothing for 6 days. I don't do well without a schedule. I've had no one to answer to all week and left to my own devices and I sit on the couch all day. I am surprised I have still been working out- but that's about it.

I think I will do better once I get back into routine.

DisplacedGRITS

Just be careful. You could be vulnerable to a relapse. I hope getting a routine back in place ASAP puts you in a better mood but please just be on your guard. Also, early congrats on your 60 days. :-)

Dee74

so...why contemplate drinking again A?

That voice that tells you you only had trouble with hydros is a liar - look back at your past posts if you don't believe me.

You're not a loser - you've turned your life around in a complete 180 degrees in a very short amount of time.

Your progress has been an inspiration to me and I'm sure many others here too.

Reach out for help, shout, scream, rail at how unfair it is if you like...but don't drink. Don't go backwards.

Don't listen to the lies A.

D

aeo1313

I feel like utter crap right now. My husband is up the block drinking with my friend and I'm alone at home. Now I'm mad even though I told him it was fine if he went.

I hate this. I can't even clearly explain what i am thinking.

Muunray

I don't know- but personally think it's rude of your husband.

Itchy

AEO,
The reason we are responding is because you are articulating your feelings AND thoughts in the exact same we all do when we feel cornered and helpless, and especially angry. Understandable only to those of us who have been right where you are now. You have read the testimony of folks who relapsed and then later said that they thought they could control it now that they proved they could stop drinking.

Have a good cry and get over the hump. You are not a victim of anything but your own grieving for alcohol. We all get it, from deciding we felt victimized so we could drink some alcohol, just one, and it never is.

Alcohol provides us an avenue to run away from all of our problems . . . except the results of using alcohol. <sigh>

aeo1313

He felt bad about going and I kept telling him to go. I knew he wanted to go out and I would have felt worse making him stay home.

aeo1313

A year ago we had a huge fourth of July party and that was a time when I had toooo many. I ended up doing some regrettable things and also woke up with huge bruises on my legs from playing catch with an ice cream maker ball. The things I did that night sent me into a mental tailspin for days and days after. Unfortunately I remember pretty much the entire night. Yet I still think it won't happen again.

ReadyAndAble

Great job posting here. I think it's natural to feel conflicted. Sixty days is a huge achievement —congrats!!!! But it definitely took me longer than that to acclimate. I was a hermit the first three or four months. That's OK though, since it's a small investment in the long run, and the payoff is totally worth it.

Also, for what it's worth, I always get melancholy on the last day of a vacation. I start feeling sad that it's over before it's even over, lol...

artsoul

It's normal to have those kind of feelings (esp. early in sobriety)...... It took me the better part of year to really feel free of the urge to drink. We think everyone else is out there having a great time and we're at home doing nothing, but in reality, it's just our imagination and AV talking to us. Think of some new and creative ways to make life better for yourself, relieve stress, or whatever it is that you feel you need.

You've decided to stop medicating yourself and be the best person you can be. That's an amazing thing, and your husband and kids will benefit, too. It's not always easy, but then again, neither is life. Ironically, when I had really bad days and managed to stay sober is probably when I made the most progress.

So proud of you for your 60 days and for posting about this!

Dee74

I was so busy posting I forgot to come back to the important bit, lol - congratulations on 60 days aeo

D

Michael66

I remember thinking that, a little over a year sober, I could go back to social drinking. It wasn't long before I was drinking as much as before my sober year.

You sound sad aeo, but I doubt alcohol is a good solution to that. We all have down days - cuddling up with the dog sounds a better solution than drinking. I bet your dog prefers it as well

God bless you.

calmernow

I feel you - I felt the same way at 60 days depressed irritable feeling sorry for myself and also just not as excited about AA anymore, tired of being an alcoholic and all of it - just wanted to go back to my old life of drinking socially. I can't tell you what to do but I relapsed and I can tell you everything you are feeling right now will get worse. I drank again and everything got worse - it always does. Also remember your brain is still healing and adjusting to lack of alcohol which can lead you to feel depressed, unmotivated and miserable . I laid on the couch for many days thinking this is sober ??? When is it going to get better. I wish I had know all of this I wish I had pushed through those feelings and said to myself okay lying on the couch watching tv is okay for me right now it will get better eventually it will. I now have 65 days again and always have that experience to go to. I drank and everything got worse. Good luck Also going back on a schedule of meetings helped me immensely.

sugarbear1

Congratulations on 60 days!!

This is huge! Stay strong & stay stopped!!

nonblondechef

I have been reading your posts for nearly half a year, AEO. Your progress is incredible. You have every right to be doing somersaults and carrying the torch in the sober olympics. Walk on faith and remember the lives of those you love are greatly affected by your steadfastness. We have done alot of harm to our bodies during our addiction phase and they need some downtime to heal. You did the right thing Friday night by protecting your sobriety with some puppy love and a comfy bed. Wasn't it much nicer waking up there this morning than on the bathroom floor? Take a picture of your 60 Day Sobriety Token in your hand when you get it and post it here - I can't wait to see it!! Hugs, T