no more.....
 

I posted how 3 - 8 was a hard time for me yesterday.

I got home.

My AV told me all the way home how Fing worthless I was.

no one wants to read this crap.

I dont

well got home and could not think... my mind was clouded

my heart hurt.

WTF

I drank and did coke.

going to work today

fuzzy headed... crying...

how do you all do it... your so much better than me.

please dont tell me to hang in there... you can do it... I cannot.

I want to but my desire to give up seems stronger.

ok... I will regret this post.

Weasel,
You are just not quite done yet.
When you are, you will quit.:ghug3
We all went through the same thing.
My friend in AA is doing it right now.
Madness.

Only I can own it. Only I can solve it.

Maybe you can't Ken. I know I couldn't. I had to ask for help.

:ghug3

thanks sapling for throwing it in my face... feel much better now.

I will change that...

I am sorry sapling...

I am so sorry

Of fing course I need help. we all do... well I do.

I go to see my therapist tonight.

I will get back up... but I hate the crawl back.

I hate it

I don't mean to throw it in your face at all...A lot of people can't do this alone...I'm one of them. After too many failed attempts...I asked for help...I'm just saying there is nothing wrong with that.

I hope there is nothing wrong with that. I hope.

I am shaking my head in total disbelief.

How could I do that.

why would I think that's ok?

I posted because I need help...

when we are alone. I mean really alone. to reach out and ask for help? Oh my god. really? I need to go to work. I will smile and be professional. No one will know. F

I don't know...I got to the point all I wanted to do was die. That's how much hope I had...You know what worked for me?....Honestly?.....Hearing what I didn't want to hear...And doing what I didn't want to do....If I hadn't done that...I wouldn't be here right now.

I am sorry Weasel!

You CAN do it. Know how I know? Because I am doing it and that is a miracle. I have relapsed 4 times this year and I don't know hoe many last year. I have almost 60 days. I am working really hard to stay sober this time because I have to. How am I working hard? Praying for the obsession to go away, working with my sponsor and honestly sharing my feelings instead of bottling them up and then drinking over them.

Even if you don't do Aa, get a daily meditation book and spend some time with yourself in the mornings. Go to an addiction therapist. Get in an outpatient group therapy.

The key is to DO.

hi Wease, sorry to see you strugglin. so I won't tell you "you can do this" but it seems the answer might be in your first post, the AV was telling you that you're worthless, of course your not but maybe that could be an issue to work on, figure out why your AV thinks you are worthless and change those attributes, or at least the thoughts about them

thank you... I just hurt so damn bad... hard to type with tears.

I hear you. I am so sorry.

last night I got home and I was soooo overwhelmed

I had only one thing to think about. and I did it.

That's not an excuse to give up Ken...There is no excuse for giving up.

i wont give up... but how do you handle those moments? How? you all seem so much stronger than me.

ok... I am realy late... off to work.

I will sign on from there. I need you all so bad today. its really hard to want to give up and still carry on.

Hi Weasal,

I was thinking the other day how people cope without self medicating. It is quite difficult really. I don't have any advice just wanted to say I understand and I hope that something changes for you.

love
CaiHong

I tried for 15 years weasel.

It took me a long time to face my fear about not living life the way I had for years, not turning to the old remedies.

I hated my life but it was a familiar comfortable hate.
I hated change but I knew change had to come.

It also took me a long time to admit that I did need help, I couldn't do this by myself - I had myself tied up in knots...one part of me yearning for change, the other part terrified of that very thing.

I need that outside perspective and that helping hand from others...and I needed to leave my comfort zone to find the path I needed to follow.

You'll do all those things - I know you feel low today but don;t feel discouraged.

Redouble your efforts - like I think I've said to you before - you'll get out of your recovery what you put in.

Give it your all, Ken :)

D

I can only tell you what worked for me...Strength in numbers...I had to surround myself with people doing the same thing I wanted to do. Make myself accountable to them....Follow their suggestions....My way....Didn't work.

Dee and sapling....

I hear you.

I am at work now. Trying to focus and get better.

Please.... Please don't give up on me.

My heart hurts so bad.

No one knows how bad.

I got home last night. I could not see clear... There was literally a fog over my eyes. All I tout of was to go to the bar.

It took me a long while to do that. I tried... Or at least I think I did.

That's not going to happen....As long as you are trying....Nobody will give up on you.....That's fact.