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Old 06-28-2012, 05:28 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
A simple guy making his way
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It's way easier to hate yourself than love yourself.

With love comes expectations.

I wil... I WILL.... Get back up.

But I hate being so raw.

I have no words to express.... And I am always full of words.
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Old 06-28-2012, 05:32 AM
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The only thing I want to add, Weasel, is that we are definitely not " so much better" than you ( as you said in your post). We are/were just like you..... no better, no worse. No more capable or deserving than you. We...are...you. Our circumstances may be different, but in some fashion, we all have been where you are. I am 17 months sober now, but I vividly remember my heart breaking. I finally decided I wanted to be free.

It's obvious you want to get and stay sober. It's truly a lovely way to live.

Now's the time.
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Old 06-28-2012, 05:42 AM
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A simple guy making his way
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If you folks were not here.....

I know drinking and drugging last night has my mind screwed up.

I will regret this post so much.

I have read posts where I felt helpless to reach out and make that person better. Reach out with so much love they will not ever want to hurt themselves again.

I do not want to be that person you all help. I want to be the helper.

Helping myself is so FFFFFFFing hard.

Real it in i know.

Trust me I will get better.

Being sober is unique in that we have a better perspective on life than those that do not drink. Not better just different.

We understand and appreciate the little things.

Like walking strait lines. Able to touch our noses with out missing.

Ok... Sense of humor is back.... Ken is not far behind.

Love you all!
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Old 06-28-2012, 05:51 AM
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I'm so sorry you're struggling so much today. And I second LDT, we are not better than you. We're all struggling and right there with you, and we've all done crap we regret, we're only human. I am with Sapling, I had to give it UP to my HP, I could not do it on my own.....I have the best supporting friends, and family anyone could ask for, and yet, I knew deep down inside there was only one "person" that could help.
Virtual ((Hugs)) thinking of you today!
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Old 06-28-2012, 05:55 AM
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The only time you fail is when you give up on yourself

We're here to help when you're ready, but you most definitely need a local recovery program of some type for the local support if nothing else. I'd suggest NA. You want it - go get it.
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Old 06-28-2012, 06:17 AM
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One moment at a time , I will send some prayers for you and at my meeting I will have the group send a good group one for you. Without my AA family I would never make in this sober world, thats me though.
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Old 06-28-2012, 06:24 AM
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Originally Posted by Weasel1966 View Post
It's way easier to hate yourself than love yourself.
When I first read the Big book...This is how Bill W. described reaching his bottom. It really struck a chord with me.

No words can tell of the loneliness and despair I found in that bitter morass of self-pity. Quicksand stretched around me in all directions. I had met my match. I had been overwhelmed. Alcohol was my master.

That was me....I figured if he could get out of that....So could I.
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Old 06-28-2012, 06:33 AM
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A simple guy making his way
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I often say I feel like I am in quicksand. If I move even a muscle it will only make it worse...

Then I think... Who the hell does not want to move?

I am not sure what bottom is. I certainly feel low.

I had my weekly meeting with my boss just now. My head was spinning. He only said good things about my work.

I can and always do hold it tight and right. Maybe wrapped too tightly... Lol

I go from thoughts of you can do this ken to what the hell makes you think you deserve anything.

I am going to do something I never do.

I will forget how I feel right now and listen to you all.

I see my therapist tonight. He's gonna love seeing me!

I am a successful loving moral guy. How does sh!t like this get out of control?
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Old 06-28-2012, 06:40 AM
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Originally Posted by Weasel1966 View Post
How does sh!t like this get out of control?
For me...I guess I didn't see it coming...One day I just knew I went too far. And then there was no turning back.
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Old 06-28-2012, 06:42 AM
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I have gone to far.
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Old 06-28-2012, 06:46 AM
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I just got a year without a drink or a drug Ken...I haven't done that since I was 12. There is hope for the hopeless....I'm living proof. I'm 53 years old.
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Old 06-28-2012, 06:55 AM
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YOU are worth it! Even your boss said great things of your work! The truth surrounds us, we just have to believe and open our hearts, and be vulnerable, even though it's hard. Hope your session goes good tonight with your therapist!
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Old 06-28-2012, 07:06 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
A simple guy making his way
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Drinking a bottle of jäger and doing 200 of coke requires some comprehension on my part of what I did.

I am reading my AVRT book and at the part I need to make a plan. Maybe I saw that yesterday and thought not yet. Who knows.

I see my therapist tonight.

I will stay close to you all today.

I will try to not feel shame.

I actually thought through my drunk last night. There was a woman at the bar. She has cancer. I sobered up for the time we talked. It was more about paying attention to someone else at that moment. Trying to comprehend what life was for her. I felt guilty being drunk.

I have so many things I spit on. Not because I am ungrateful. Because I am ignorant to what I have when I have it.

SR reminders me everyday what I have. I read about others that are struggling.

Hard to believe that those who seem so strong here were at this point. So if you can .... And Maryann ( woman at the bar ) can live it then I can too.

The ledge was never anything I was gonna jump from. Just peek over. I decided it is too high!!!!!

Going back in now.
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Old 06-28-2012, 07:18 AM
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I’m not putting you down with this Ken, but this statement:

Originally Posted by Weasel1966 View Post
My heart hurts so bad.

No one knows how bad.
is completely wrong. I’m willing to guess almost everyone here knows EXACTLY how bad you hurt.

I personally (that means these are my thoughts only) think we all get to that dark place a bit differently, but once there we’re pretty much all the same.

As for getting out of it, that too is individual.

I personally do not use a “program”, SR and emails are as close to face to face as I get (and I like it that way). The biggest thing FOR ME, was not only accepting the fact that I was done with alcohol FOREVER, but I was okay with that choice. Making that decision put me at peace. Others who use programs call it all kinds of things, but in the end FOR ME it simply was a choice, a choice I was happy, and content with.
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Old 06-28-2012, 07:34 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
A simple guy making his way
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You are right. We all here know the pain.

I regret I made mine so public today. But if I did not I would have been ten times worse.

The whole reason I am here is because you know how bad I hurt.

While I feel terribly raw I think my post this morning was one of the braver things I have done recently. Put my heart out there. Some will judge me. But that's ok.

What goes down must come up.

Sober today and plan to stay that way.
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Old 06-28-2012, 07:39 AM
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I drank, Ken. I did coke too. You are no different than me. I can hear your anguish loud and clear, and you described it just as I would have. *ding* again.

Alcohol and coke are now to me like my knife, razor sharp, dropped tip. To drink or put my nose down ever again would be to take that knife, touch it to my chest and push. Somehow, at the same time, it would be to do the same to my wife, to my daughters, to everything I love. It wasn't like that for many years, Ken, but I drew that line when I quit.

Please keep posting, don't leave us here. You will learn from this, I know, and others will learn from your posts too. You will do it, because you can. I have faith in you, Ken. There is no doubt in my mind how this will turn out for you. Best to you.
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Old 06-28-2012, 07:43 AM
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Originally Posted by wheresthefun View Post
Others who use programs call it all kinds of things, but in the end FOR ME it simply was a choice, a choice I was happy, and content with.
I don't think it matters how you get there.....I just know for me...It wasn't simply a choice. If it was....I would have made that choice and you never would have heard from me again. I think I mentioned before...Some people can do that....And some people can't...At least for myself...I know it wasn't as simple...As choosing not to drink...Maybe there is something wrong with me....But I do know...I will not drink today. And I have help making that possible.
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Old 06-28-2012, 09:36 AM
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A simple guy making his way
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Starting to come around today.

The sting of my poor choices last night were truly softened by everyone.

The ugly emotions will soon pass I know. But a sincere thank you!
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Old 06-28-2012, 12:32 PM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Weasel1966 View Post
My AV told me all the way home how Fing worthless I was.
Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
I hated my life but it was a familiar comfortable hate.
I hated change but I knew change had to come.
Originally Posted by Weasel1966 View Post
It's way easier to hate yourself than love yourself.
I don't normally multi quote, but all these things jumped out at me. I suppose I ought to put this in the Class of May 2012 thread, but equally, I can't help feeling it belongs here.

All those lines could have been me talking.

I went to the shops after taking mum to get her pension. I managed not to buy any drink, thanks to picking up the phone. On the way back, my AV (Catherine) started talking to me. "You're not an alcoholic. You'd need to be a human being for that."
On the way there, I'd started to think about how the happy feelings I'd had from drinking hadn't been real, but fake happiness had been so much better than the real misery I'd swapped it for. I am increasingly convinced that I have no soul. I'd made my mind up. Except I'd picked up the phone instead. I'd managed not to give in, and Catherine wasn't happy. And now she was getting nasty. I had no answer for her.
We have no alcohol in the house. Part of me wants to go and get some. Part of me knows that it will do no good. Part of me just wants to disappear altogether.

Somehow, I'm holding on. And hating myself for doing it.
Weasel, people on here tell me I can do it, that I'm strong... and somehow, it becomes true.
I'm not going to say you can do it, or rather, I am. You can do this. It's not easy, and it's easy to have no faith in yourself. But there are people out there that have faith in you. In us.

I wish I could do more to help. To see you struggle like this... my heart goes out to you. You are worth it. :ghug3
And yes, you do deserve good things. Nice things. You do deserve to be happy, and really happy, not the fake kind that comes in liquid or powder form.
(ironic laugh) this sounds so like what my fiance said to me earlier, it's not true. Funny how it's so much easier to believe it about others than ourselves.
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Old 06-28-2012, 01:00 PM
  # 40 (permalink)  
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You are a worth it, we all are. Keep posting, I wish I would have reached out years ago. I just kept it all bottled up until I couldn't anymore.
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