I am not alchohol dependant but I know I have alchohol issues... TL:DR
 

By no means am I an alchoholic, but I have serious issues with alchohol and deep down I want to change.

A bit about me:

I'm male, I have just turned 21, and I am from England. I live with my Mum and sister (Hate this.) I work as a poker dealer in a casino, which means I pretty much work nights. (Shifts start 8pm onwards and my finishing time varies, I have no contract, if it's busy I could be needed till 5.30 am, if it's quiet I could be done by 8.30 pm). I don't actually mind the work involved with what I do, as poker was a hobby of mine before I started my job and I find it interesting. Sometimes there can be a few d*cks at the table, but I've learnt to try and take it in my stride and not let it get to me.

Since the age of about 16+, I have made some pretty horrific mistakes in my life revolving gambling, life choices, and career choices. I dropped out of college aged 16, just a term in as nothing seemed to be going my way and I felt hopeless. Since then I've shown serious symptons of depression through out the last 4-5 years. The highs and the lows have been astronomical. The worst days have been where I'm seriously contemplating suicide every hour of every day for like a week straight. I pretty much confined myself to my room and made no effort to deal with anything or talk to anyone. I just didn't care. And that's when I started drinking.

My mum is and always has been a big drinker anyway (like serious, her room is a bottle bank), mainly since she split up with my Dad when I was aged 11. I don't despise her for it, I know how bad the lows get and alchohol simply numbs the pain for a few hours. Obviously I wish things were different but they arn't. My Mum has her own issues which are pretty ******* bad to say the least, and she never wanted them to rub off on me, though they obviously have. She's always told me not to take the weight on my shoulders but I do regardless, that's just how I am.

The past few years since dropping out of college have been up and down, I'll scale it down from the age of 16.

1. Quit college, 7-8~ months of unemployment, not leaving the house, not socialising, depression.

2. Get a job in a supermarket (woo min wage!). "Stuck in a rut" rings a bell, stayed there 2 years till they tried to **** with me and my contract and royally screw me over. Had managed to save quiet a bit of money through the two years though and ended up quitting as I thought I was invincible.

3. Blow through £10k savings in about 7 months drinking and gambling my life away, live at a casino and on online sites at home. Go to the bottom of the bottom with the darkest thoughts in my head.

4. Miraculously get current job I'm at now, in a casino, decent job but I hate working nights. Pretty sure this job saved my life though, so can't be all bad. Money is nothing to write home about, but a year in, I'm good at what I do and generally get on alright with people at work.

And here I am now.

My drinking has got prefusely worse throughout the last few years. I can not sleep if I don't drink. (I'm not talking a couple of pints, I'm talking getting bladdered). I can say to myself to many times early afternoon, "I AM NOT GOING TO DRINK TONIGHT!", then end up in a super market or offy after work picking up drink, or even worse ending up in another local casino (where the bar is open till 6 am), drinking and gambling.

When I go out with mates on a proper night out, I seem to be literally downing my drinks. It's borderline embarassing, I'm just gulping them down while my mates are casually sipping them. If I have a drink in my hand or at reach, it's getting drunk, regardless.

Deep down I want to sort my life out, get healthy, get in shape, be more sociable, etc. But it all seems so hard. The thought nowdays of actually trying to sleep a night without drinking makes me angry, it's just not possible. I will lie there tossing and turning for hours upon hours on end... with maybe 45 minutes sleep being the end result of 8 hours lying there.

I know what I need to do to sort my life out, cut out drink, eat healthy, excersize. It's all so easy to type out on here but so hard to put into action in reality. I still suffer serious downers every now and again, where I just get so down and depressed I just don't care but I have actually been doing alright recently fighting through them and coming out the other side.

After about an hour of stopping and starting typing this post out I'm not even sure of what I'm after by posting this. I guess I'm just ranting and letting out steam. Sorry guys.

It's 6.48 am and I've just finished my 8th can of cider and I don't even feel I could sleep yet, it's so frustrating.

//rant

You've come to the right place. There are loads of people here willing to give support and listen. We all "rant" - no problem! You are young and it's better you wrote this post now than years from now when circumstances would likely be even more dire. I'm fairly new to this site, just this month. I know there are many others, very wise, who can show you this situation doesn't have to be permanent. You can have a different life. And, yes, I'm living proof that eventually you'll sleep!! Welcome to SR. Congrats for letting others know what's up. That's not easy! :c011:

'After about an hour of stopping and starting typing this post out I'm not even sure of what I'm after by posting this. I guess I'm just ranting and letting out steam. Sorry guys'

Don't apologies, that's what this place is for! :)

I'm only six weeks sober and having a hard day today so I'm not really one for advice but you've come to a great place!
:welcome

Welcome Otomp! This is a great pace to vent & get some very helpful advice, I know I benefit a great deal from those on here that post & share.

Once when I quit drinking I had sleep issues as well. It would take me hours to fall asleep. I was so used to just stumbling my way to bed or at the least having a few drinks in my system before I hit the pillow. That has gotten a little better for me now, but its taken a bit of time.

You said in your post you know you have to cut out the drink, good that you can see that it is something that needs to change, sounds like alcohol isn't working very well for you. For me, alcohol stopped having the effect on me that I wanted it to have.

Hope you stick around here & post! You will find there are others here that share your similar story.

:)

I think for most of us the thought of that leap into sobriety fills us with terror - but the leap is actually far less terrible than the fear that precedes it IMO.

You'll find a lot of support here Otomp - welcome :)

D

Good story fella,

I know literally loads of people who drink after a night shift, when I say drink though I'm talking about maybe a "couple" to wind down after a busy shift.

Where you seem to be going wrong is exactly the same place where I have gone wrong in the past. There is no such thing as a "couple". I have known police officers who have come off a long night shift and gone to a local wetherspoons and had a full english and a pint and then gone home and gone to bed. To me that one pint is an invitation to go on a total session.

Whether you are an alcoholic or not is for you to decide, but well done for coming on here if you feel that you have a problem. You will find some good advice.

Good luck,

Bruno.

At 21 I wasn't an alcoholic either. I had other issues that caused the same sorts of problems you describe. Depression, temporal lobe condition, unsettled childhood to name a few. On my 23rd birthday I was celebrating 3 months sober in AA and I realised my other issues were just a form of denial. I did not want to be an alcoholic because alcoholics can't drink, so I used these other made up issues as an excuse for my behaviour. Funny how things turn out.

While I had a bout of depression at around 20, it wasn't as black as you describe. That sounds pretty serious and I would suggest talking to a professional about it if it continues.

Welcome otomp :ghug3 I'm sure you'll find the support and love that you need here. I certainly have. And if you want to rant, well, that's ok. We understand.

Otomp, you sound much like me. I am 24 and made a huge amount of mistakes in my short life - have quit university twice and have also left two very good jobs due to depression and alcohol related stuff. I don't know what to say advice-wise, except that alcohol was, for me, the major factor behind all things bad. Have you thought about going to see a doctor regarding your depression? I have been on many medications over the past 5 or so years, and they've all helped alleviate my depression and anxiety. I've only really felt the true benefits of anti-depressants since quitting alcohol, though, and I'm beginning to come around to the fact that most (if not all) of my depression and anxiety was alcohol related to begin with. This is mostly because of the shame, guilt, embarrassment that coincides with my drinking, I think.

You say you have had 8 cans and it's almost 7AM and you're still not ready for bed, and that sounds a lot like I used to be, too. I would stay up all night until god knows when, drinking until I could drink no more and pass out. I didn't do it every day but every time I had a drink, that is how it would end up. It's not a nice place to be, I totally understand that. It is very lonely and depressing and it is doing no good at all for your mental health.

You will find so much support, knowledge and experience here on SR. There are people here who have been where you are and have done a full circle and are now enjoying life immensely. You don't have to stay where you are if you don't want to.

Being sober has been a total life saver for me. It is has opened my eyes and also so many doors of opportunity... I feel as though I have my self back, my dignity back, and I also feel as though I am no longer living just because that's something I have to do.

I wish you all the best... stick around... we might be able to help you.

Finding SR let me realize that I was no different than many other folks having big problems with drinking, I was just another sad story like, I dunno, millions of others. My epiphany came when I decided that I wasn't like them at all, that I could stop it. I knew that I couldn't do anything I decided that I couldn't do, so let's fix that whole issue first. I convinced myself that I had it within me to search until I found a way to quit killing myself with booze. I found my way, Otomp, and I think you will find yours too. First, believe that you can do it, because you can, you see. Keep posting here, ok, and best to you.

Yeh this is a pretty common occurence for me, the night I originally posted, after those 8 cans, I polished off the last third of a bottle of tequila I recieved off my Dad for my 21st. FML?

The next night, I was pretty hungover from the night before, drinking till 9 am or so has its toll on the body. I woke up about 6pm and got ready for work at 8pm. It wasn't busy at work, so I asked to finish early and got off at 1 am. I had said to myself I wasn't going to drink, 1. because I was feeling pretty rough from the night before, and 2. I knew I had to cut out the drinking before it got worse. Anyway, I ended up walking over the road to Asda about 30 seconds away from work "because I was hungry". I ended up buying food, and obviously ended up picking up a 12 box of strongbow.

So yesterday morning after that, I woke up at like 6.30 pm feeling even worse than the day before, laying next to half of the last can of the box. I went off to another local casino last night, to go and play poker with a mate, which as I said is one of my interests. I didn't even end up drinking any alchohol in the casino as I had only been up for a few hours and wasn't feeling up to it. We ended up leaving the casino about 1.30 am and on the whole journey home, all I could think about was how I was going to cope and sleep that night. I ended up asking my friend to stop off at a 24hr shop, again "because I was hungry". Obviously I ended up buying booze, 8 cans of strongbow. On the way out, getting into his car, we started talking about my drinking. I'm pretty open with most people, I even go so far to joke with people "yeh I'm an alchoholic". I am not yet at that stage where I am an alchoholic, but within all jokes lies a level of truth.

Anyway, he's driving off from the shop and we're talking about my drinking. I let him know that I know that I have issues, and wind up confiding in him how much I had drunk the night before (the 11.5 cans of strongbow). His reaction is pretty much "wow". He knew I liked a drink but not to that extent. He went on to tell me to stop before it got worse. I told him I knew I had a problem, I knew I had to stop, and I went on to explain how it effects my mood and sleep etc., but at the same time I don't need him preaching to me what I already know. I know I need to sort my life out, and it will happen soon enough, but that's down to me to sort out. I guess he kind of understood what I meant, but at the same time he will never understand fully.

Anyway 8 cans of strongbow later and here I am back again. The really sad thing is, my only regret of tonight is not buying more drink from the shop.

And to the people saying get help with my depression, I understand but it's really weird. To my work colleagues, my friends, and my family, they would probably never guess I suffer from the dark and depressive feelings that I do.
I mainly feel depressed and upset when I'm at home, whether it be when I'm in my room on my laptop, watching tv, or listening to music. Sometimes something sad will come up on tv, or something emotion provoking, and I feel like bursting into tears. (I never do, I manage to hold it in). Sometimes it can be over nothing, I'll just be sitting there and suddenly choke up over a memory or a thought.

I'm not going to go to the Dr just yet (and probably never will), as I'm really uncomfortable expessing feelings and emotions with anyone as it is (let alone a stranger). I'm just hoping once I manage to get my life back on track, start cutting out the drinking, start eating healthy and excersize etc, that these feelings will become less frequent anyway. I just don't know when that will be yet...

But anyway, thanks for the positive comments guys, it feels good to know I'm not alone, I'm not the one with a fked up sleeping pattern drinking until the early hours, makes me feel slightly less of a loser.

*I'm not the only one - from the last post

Wee found some cider amongst my Mum's general shopping, 11th can in now. I am such a fk up. My alchohol imunity has really shockinly risen, I feel I could drink alot more...

Anyway, I know this may be an inappropriate question for some people on here and I don't wish to offend. Can you ever go back from being an alchohol abuser to someone who can enjoy alchohol on occasion and not let it slip back into their life and take over. I'm pretty sure I could or am I in denial?

It's just as you can imagine I'm from a different generation from alot of the posters on this site, the drinking culture of people my age is alot different from the past. I'm not saying I condone binge drinking, but when I go out that seems to be what happens. With my job (working nights), I pretty much I jump at any chance to have a night out with my mates socially drinking and having a good time when I'm not working. It definitely trumps drinking at home alone depressed or drinking and gambling money away at a casino, obv.

I drastically want to change my ways atm, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life turning down invites on nights out because I don't think I will be able to cope..

The problem with kinda hoping things will get better, or seeing what will happen is that never really works out Otomp.

The fact is whether your drinking through depression or some other reason, you're putting a lot away.

Drinking like that, things are destined to get worse for you, and I think you're intelligent enough to see that.

The very worst thing you can do - about depression or problem drinking - is do nothing.

Not meaning to sound confrontational here, but if you're not prepared to go to a Dr, what exactly are you prepared to do?

D

I'm pretty sure you're 90% right. But surely I need to be at a stage where I am ready to stop and change my ways and it has to be my decision. I desperately want to stop but I also want to stop at a time when it's appropriate for me. What's a few more days after years and years?

If you're convinced I'm 10% wrong, ok.
You're as much entitled to cling to that little window, as I would have, and did.

Noone's gonna to force you to do anything here :)

I'll leave you with this tho - those few more days can so easily turn into years and years.

I went out for one last nights drinking in 2004...and didn't stop til 2007, drinking daily all the while.

D

It's just before 10 am for me now. I'm not a massively social person, I have a handful of good friends, most of which are skint or have work the next morning so wont be doing anything active tommorow night. The thought of waking up at 5-6pm and spending all night at home trying to occupy myself litterally scares me. This is why I drink. I definitely need to change my job, I need to find a decent day job and half of my problems would be gone in an instant. "You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped" applies so strongly to me here though, I feel until I get everything going in a positive manner, I can't be helped. If I had a list if "life issues" to sort out, it seems alchohol wouldn't be number one. Is this bad?

Ughhhh my tolerance levels are really starting to **** me off, almost 10.30 am, 11 cans in and I don't feel like sleeping yet. Nothing in the house. A year ago I probably would be throwing up after this much.

It's pretty obvious you are going to do this your way...Nothing wrong with that...I was the exact same way...Did it my way...That cost me everything I had...Caused a lot of pain to people close to me...Forget the pain I went through...And it almost killed me....A little too close for my comfort. You are 100% right...It does have to be your decision....I can only hope and pray for you...That the appropriate time...Doesn't cost you too much. What's a few more days after years and years?....If you're anything like me...Those days turned into more years and years. I'm glad you're not not an alcoholic...Because I am...Runs in my family...And it SUCKS....But I got out of it...Barely. I had to be brought to my knees by it first.

How many days or should I say years you want to throw away to this disease, yeah I said disease. Alcoholism is a disease and if nothing is done well everything good in life will start to fade away- jobs, family, friends, etc... .

It is good to see that you are aware of your problem now it is time to take action like the action you are taking to drink! Don't worry the drink will always be there, give it a break for a little while make a plan one day at a time-keep posting and remain open to suggestions that are given. Go to A.A, try SMART, AVRT, RR, something besides the one arm curl! I say this lovingly but you don't have to live like this until you hit bottom that is why site and help is so openly avail! You have to make a decision and act, only you can make your life better by not picking up the first one!!!

May God B less you!!!!

Ugh I really feel for you, as obviously I know how it sort of feels. I don't want to come across as a naive "nooby". I don't (understandably) want to end up being a long time poster on this forum. I know it's easy to put things off, I know this first hand from a lot experiences in my life. I am very vunerable to be one of those people.

It's just the very few friends I have, our socialising always seems to be drinking orientated, whether it be a quiet few down the pub or a full blown night "out in town". I obviously want to and need to cut down on my drinking life style, but at the same time avoiding the very few opportunities have a good night out will end up in a vicious cycle. Not socialising will lead to me have depressive spells again, which will only wind up in me being depressed and wanting a drink.

I ideally need to be in a frame of mind where I can revert to my old ways and enjoy a night out drinking, but not resort to it every night of the week. If it's not possible for me personally, so be it. I'll have to figure stuff out later down the line.

Right now I just need to focus on cutting out the nightly binge drinking at home alone...