Jeni26

I've just come back from an AA meeting. There was lots of talk about making a moral inventory and making amends.
I'm not sure I will ever be able to admit my past to another person, let alone make amends for it. I had some dreadful horrific things done to me as a child, had my innocence and childhood stolen from me.
As an adult I drank to numb the distress and anxiety. I then hurt others in an attempt to 'get in first' before any one else could hurt me.
Those closest to me don't know the half of it, and I feel sick just thinking about it.
I don't think I could ever go into details in a face to face meeting with my sponsor. I'm ashamed.
I know I probably need to face this, but it's going to take every bit of strength I have not to run back to the bottle.
I'm not sure I can do this.

Live2Run25

maybe finally letting go of what happened to you may free you in someway? I can't imagine what happened to you, but I can tell it was horrible, but chances are it was NOT YOUR FAULT. I know having something horrible inside that you can't tell anyone can be the fuel for a lot of bad things. I'm sure someone in AA has heard something very similar to your story before. It might help you to release those horrible feelings and bid them farewell! Thinking of you.

MrsKing

I am the same in some respects. I find it very difficult to open to people about my past and rarely trust anyone. It's not a nice place to be in - believing that everyone is against you, all of the time. You don't have to open up to anyone if you don't want to. You don't have to lay yourself bare if you are terrified of doing so. Nobody can force you to share your secrets. I think it does help to get things out, to discuss our problems and worries, and to have people around us who we are not concerned about judging us through our past, but I don't think you should feel under any pressure to do that until you are 100% ready. Focus for now on being sober... on giving yourself THAT freedom, before focusing on doing things that make you anxious.

sober4myboys

Do you have a counselor? Maybe you can start there and face and come to terms with the issues before having to go over them with your group.

I have past "issues" too, but have forgiven and let go. I know that is alot to do but I feel free since facing what happened. (I am not comparing situations AT ALL). Good luck and I hope you find contentment.

MalkavianEmily

It's taken me a while to be able to open up to anyone. And that includes doctors, counsellors, and the like.
Part of it is the feeling that people don't really want to know about my problems, or about me in general. I'd not spoken about me very much at all, before I came here.
Part of it is that on the occasions when I have spoken to people, well, one person in particular, what I said was filed away to be taken out of context and twisted to show me in the worst possible light.
But I'm starting to open up. In that sense, my appointment today was good. I didn't get much out of it in practical terms, but in terms of being able to talk about where I am and how I got here... very useful.

Veritas1

I think what lessens the shame is when the recovered alcoholic that is helping you shares their experience with you. I find the fear is not so great because they tell me about their history with drinking too much and what happened to them.

I am no longer unique.

I don't know where the phrase "we are only as sick as our secrets" comes from.

The big book of AA tells us we will drink again if we don't trust someone and tell them our secrets.

That's off in your future though.

Nothing to worry about today.




"HAVING MADE our personal inventory, what shall we do about it? We have been trying to get a new attitude, a new relationship with our Creator, and to discover the obstacles in our path. We have admitted certain defects; we have ascertained in a rough way what the trouble is; we have put our finger on the weak times in our personal inventory. Now these are about to be cast out. This requires action on our part, which, when completed, will mean that we have admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our defects. This brings us to the Fifth Step in the program of recovery mentioned in the preceding chapter.

This is perhaps difficult--especially discussing our defects with another person. We think we have done well enough in admitting these things to ourselves. There is doubt about that. In actual practice, we usually find a solitary self-appraisal insufficient. Many of us thought it necessary to go much further. We will be more reconciled to discussing ourselves with another person when we see good reasons why we should do so. The best reason first: If we skip this vital step, we may not overcome drinking. Time after time newcomers have tried to keep to themselves certain facts about their lives. Trying to avoid this humbling experience, they have turned to easier methods. Almost invariably they got drunk. Having persevered with the rest of the program, they wondered why they fell. We think the reason is that they never completed their housecleaning. They took inventory all right, but hung on to some of the worst items in stock. They only thought they had lost their egoism and fear; they only thought they had humbled themselves. But they had not learned enough of humility, fearlessness and honesty, in the sense we find it necessary, until they told someone else all their life story.

More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his heart he doesn’t deserve it.

The inconsistency is made worse by the things he does on his sprees. Coming to his senses, he is revolted at certain episodes he vaguely remembers. These memories are a nightmare. He trembles to think someone might have observed him. As far as he can, he pushes these memories far inside himself. He hopes they will never see the light of day. He is under constant fear and tension--that makes for more drinking."

Into Action

hypochondriac

Hey Jeni, have you asked the guys over in the 12 step forum this one? I have no idea of how exactly this works... Maybe be honest with your sponsor about your fears. I think it's natural to be in a state of panic over this prospect but I don't think you have to rush this. When someone in our meeting was panicking over this they were reminded that there's a reason that the amends is at step 9 and not earlier. Lots of love xxx

Dee74

I think a lot of us have things to face in our past - some of us some really dreadful horrible things.

I'm not in AA but I know I needed to start dealing with that.

I needed to start letting go of certain stuff that wasn't my fault and that was damaging my relationships and me as a person.

Letting go is not an event, it's more of a process for me...there's a lot of interconnected knots....it's like peeling an onion - I may not peel it all the way for now but I can aim to get it down to a more manageable size.

The one thing I must do is not drink - cos that just avoids dealing and tightens the knots up again.

If you're not ready to open up to another person, have you thought of journalling?

D

Anna

I agree with Dee about letting go being a process. I had a lot of stuff that I hadn't talked about or dealt with and it wasn't something that I got over in an afternoon of talking or a month for that matter.

My suggestion would be to talk to a therapist if you can. You have no reason to feel guilt or shame for what happened to you. It wasn't your fault.

Fernaceman

Hi Jeni. You've already made some great progress today by not only going to AA, but coming here and admitting your doubts and fears about the process.

I just went through the 4th and 5th step myself. Believe me, there were things I shared that I once vowed to take to my grave.

You are correct that trust is a huge part of this process. However, I think you'll be quite surprised at how non-judgmental the person you decide to share your inventory with will be. It's a VERY uncomfortable, even scary, thing to do.

Maybe you could think of it as liberating. Those things you are keeping in are your addiction's lifeblood. It wants to keep using those things against you. You have a choice whether or not to let it. Your experiences can also help someone out further down the road too. Imagine the comfort you could provide to someone else. Your past can be used as a very helpful tool for someone else.

I have faith in you. You CAN do this. Ya know, recovery is not something people grow up and say they want to experience. I, however, wouldn't change a thing of what's happened. It's extremely powerful. They say religion is for people who fear hell, spirituality is for people who have been there and back.

This is quite the journey, and I feel greatly blessed to even right now share some thoughts with you all.

Will keep you in my prayers.

God Bless,

William

Zencat

I too have a past that includes some terrible things that were done to me as a child. Shame, guilt, anger, remorse are just a partial description of the feelings I carried all through my life.

When I first entered addiction treatment I need more that just a laypersons ear to heal from a life of maladaptive thoughts and behavior. For some just speaking about that stuff with someone is enough to heal, for me it did not work out so well. I needed to process decades worth of complex emotions with a skilled therapist over a course of a year.

I hope what your attempting to do, if you are able to do it will work out for you. You will be in my thoughts, be well.

Michael66

I think it is reasonable to be careful and guarded about your past. You need to know that your sponsor isn't going to use any information to seek to have power over you. I personally wouldn't rush to divulge all until you do know a person well enough to have absolute confidence that they only have your best interests at heart and that they will be totally discreet with anything they are told.

Payton

I relate to some of what you are saying. The good news is that you don't have to do every single thing that terrifies you right this second. All you need to do right this second is stay sober. As far as I understand it it can take time and a process to work these steps. As a fellow victim of trauma I really encourage you to get into therapy. I'm about to embark on it for the first time with real honesty and the desire to heal instead of self destruct. I hope you do too!

I've missed you in the May thread. You are a good person and I care about you.

ACT10Npack

If your talking about child(sexual) abuse from someone then it's best to talk to a professorial about that. A sponsor is not equip to help you with that issue. Let a professorial help you with that.

2granddaughters

You'll be able to do it Jeni.

If I can do it, you can do it. Yes , it's a process.

All the best.

Bob R

Jeni26

Thankyou all. I've been awake most of the night thinking this over. I guess what worries me isn't so much what happened to me as a kid. I did have counselling which helped somewhat, although I did drink consistently through that so I may need to re-visit it sober. It is more my behaviour since I've become an adult towards others. I'm ashamed of that.
I have buried/forgotten some of that and to think of it hurts. To tell another is petrifying. I don't have trust enough in others and am frightened of being judged.
I'm not sure where to go with this at the moment. But I won't drink.
Thanks to everyone for your wonderful support xxx

kandi89

Hey, I just want to say: These steps are in order for a reason. I don't know what step you're on but if it isn't step four then don't worry about step four. There are other steps that come first to prepare you for the harder ones. And you can do a fourth step and not think about how you're going to say everything in it to someone else. You do what you have to do, you write it all out on paper (I was allowed to type mine) as if the time will never come that you have to share it. You do the step that you're on and you may find that your feelings on the subject have changed. I was highly ashamed of things in my fourth step, so ashamed that I didn't write them, I just blurted them out of my mouth after telling my sponsor that I understood if she never wanted to speak to me again. She laughed and told me plainly. "dear, I am not surprised. There are people who have done and been through much worse. You're not alone." I cannot express enough how powerful it was to be freed of the secrets that held me captive for so much of my life. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders that had been there for a lifetime. The whole experience changed me and the way I looked at things, I was free, free to be me and free to move forward with my life. I cried at many different times during the 5th step and it took me 7 months to complete my 4th step, but I never have to do it again. And by the grace of God I was able to stay sober the whole time, but had I not completed steps 1-3 I never could have said that. Where you are is right where you are supposed to be. It's okay.

onlythetruth

It sounds as though you are talking about having experienced childhood sexual abuse. AA and other recovery support groups are not intended to help you deal with trauma at this level. These groups provide peer support, not professional counseling.

I did not understand this myself when I first quit drinking. When I was about 10 months past my last drink I found myself having to deal with my own childhood trauma (emotional abuse, not physical or sexual). I attempted to deal with it solely through my recovery support group but made little progress until I finally decided to engage a professional counselor who walked me through the trauma recovery process. It was well worth the time and effort.

wellwisher

I agree with OTT on this. I hope you strongly consider working with a counselor on the childhood trauma issue while you use a recovery group to deal with your drinking issue.

Db1105

If you have stuff you don't feel comfortable sharing with a sponsor or someone else it the program then your best bet is talking with a professional. You can use someone in the clergy, therapist, physicians, etc. where keeping a confidence is part of the profession.