A tentative hello
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Baltimore, Md
Posts: 8
A tentative hello
I came across this website today while looking for AA/recovery resources in my area. I lurked for a few minutes, reading posts and decided to register as there seems to be a lot of activity and support here.
About me: I am a 38 year old female, single mother to two boys. I have a history of narcotic abuse 10 years ago that I have managed to steer clear from. But have always had alcohol around. Had periods of binging throughout the years but have always managed to reach a point of feeling like it was impacting life too much, or whatever, and would abstain. Never had issues during pregnancy, have gone through periods of life without even really touching it for months and months at a time.
That was "then."
Over the past five years, I have had a lot of significant changes, traumatic situations, business failure, financial stressors, divorce...blah, blah, blah.
And over the past five years my drinking has slowly progressed. Last November I had a significantly traumatic situation happen. I have not been able to move past it emotionally. I am going through the motions on a day to day but the drinking has accelerated significantly. I'm having more and more negative consequences, am concerned for my health. Have rationalized, have made excuses, have bargained, have minimized, have made promises to my boyfriend... I have "hid" this all for the most part from my children. I am a liquor drinker (at least a pint a day), so it is easy to take a swig and keep it moving.
This weekend hit a new level. My boyfriend is pretty toxic with things as well. Drinker, compulsive cheater, trauma history himself. Tension has been building, we have engaged in an increasing cycle of abuse toward each other.
He "snapped" this weekend. Hit me in the face, hit me with a rake on my head and body. Left me bruised and battered...and terrified. Hopeless.
Let me state this clearly though...I am not in any sense suicidal. But I recognize that I am killing myself with alcohol. And I feel like I am dying inside. Or, more like, already dead inside.
I think I have hit bottom. Lol. But I also recognize that there is always further to fall. I don't want to fall any deeper into this.
My boyfriend and I talked last night, he is at the end of his rope, he is saying he is horribly remorseful for what happened this weekend. He is saying he wants us to get better. He is saying he will seek help for his compulsive infidelity and risky sexual behavior.
I spoke with a coworker who has many years in recovery and is active in helping others (he is a chemical dependency counselor). He told me about an outpatient program that he thinks will be a "great" fit for me and gave me contact names and numbers. I am committed to looking into it later today when I can get some privacy to call.
So....
I guess I am saying hello. Am looking forward to spending time here, reading and reading and processing my own journey.
I'm scared. I'm tired. I am trying to tap into some strength to do what I need to do. I need to focus on my own treatment and health (physical and mental). I need to be present (physically and mentally) for my children. But I also would like to see my boyfriend get well too. I would like to see us both conquer these addictions and demons.
I am welcome to feedback and constructive criticism. All I ask is for non-judgement and the recognition that I am quite a bit raw emotionally...
About me: I am a 38 year old female, single mother to two boys. I have a history of narcotic abuse 10 years ago that I have managed to steer clear from. But have always had alcohol around. Had periods of binging throughout the years but have always managed to reach a point of feeling like it was impacting life too much, or whatever, and would abstain. Never had issues during pregnancy, have gone through periods of life without even really touching it for months and months at a time.
That was "then."
Over the past five years, I have had a lot of significant changes, traumatic situations, business failure, financial stressors, divorce...blah, blah, blah.
And over the past five years my drinking has slowly progressed. Last November I had a significantly traumatic situation happen. I have not been able to move past it emotionally. I am going through the motions on a day to day but the drinking has accelerated significantly. I'm having more and more negative consequences, am concerned for my health. Have rationalized, have made excuses, have bargained, have minimized, have made promises to my boyfriend... I have "hid" this all for the most part from my children. I am a liquor drinker (at least a pint a day), so it is easy to take a swig and keep it moving.
This weekend hit a new level. My boyfriend is pretty toxic with things as well. Drinker, compulsive cheater, trauma history himself. Tension has been building, we have engaged in an increasing cycle of abuse toward each other.
He "snapped" this weekend. Hit me in the face, hit me with a rake on my head and body. Left me bruised and battered...and terrified. Hopeless.
Let me state this clearly though...I am not in any sense suicidal. But I recognize that I am killing myself with alcohol. And I feel like I am dying inside. Or, more like, already dead inside.
I think I have hit bottom. Lol. But I also recognize that there is always further to fall. I don't want to fall any deeper into this.
My boyfriend and I talked last night, he is at the end of his rope, he is saying he is horribly remorseful for what happened this weekend. He is saying he wants us to get better. He is saying he will seek help for his compulsive infidelity and risky sexual behavior.
I spoke with a coworker who has many years in recovery and is active in helping others (he is a chemical dependency counselor). He told me about an outpatient program that he thinks will be a "great" fit for me and gave me contact names and numbers. I am committed to looking into it later today when I can get some privacy to call.
So....
I guess I am saying hello. Am looking forward to spending time here, reading and reading and processing my own journey.
I'm scared. I'm tired. I am trying to tap into some strength to do what I need to do. I need to focus on my own treatment and health (physical and mental). I need to be present (physically and mentally) for my children. But I also would like to see my boyfriend get well too. I would like to see us both conquer these addictions and demons.
I am welcome to feedback and constructive criticism. All I ask is for non-judgement and the recognition that I am quite a bit raw emotionally...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 189
Hello and welcome. I am also a mother of 2 boys and I also progressed with alcohol and abusive realtionships, for me they went hand in hand for a long time. You have made a good choice in joining (in my opinion) and will find alot of support here, good luck and hopefully you can see a DR soon?
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,474
Hi and Welcome,
I'm glad you found us.
My first thought is, GET OUT. Any kind of violence in a relationship is unacceptable. I would not believe this was a one-time thing. I do believe it will happen again if you continue in this relationship. He didn't just 'snap', rather he showed you he is capable of violent physical abuse towards you. It will be a cycle of abuse/begging for forgiveness, promising to change/resentment, and then more abuse. Get out while you can. Go to a shelter for women if you need to, or do what you have to do to take care of yourself. You deserve so much better than this.
I'm glad you plan on working on your sobriety.
I'm glad you found us.
My first thought is, GET OUT. Any kind of violence in a relationship is unacceptable. I would not believe this was a one-time thing. I do believe it will happen again if you continue in this relationship. He didn't just 'snap', rather he showed you he is capable of violent physical abuse towards you. It will be a cycle of abuse/begging for forgiveness, promising to change/resentment, and then more abuse. Get out while you can. Go to a shelter for women if you need to, or do what you have to do to take care of yourself. You deserve so much better than this.
I'm glad you plan on working on your sobriety.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Baltimore, Md
Posts: 8
Thank you, Sober4myboys. I like your username. "DR" as in doctor? (Sorry, not sure if that is a abbreviation for something else site specific...lol).
The info that my coworker gave me includes an outpatient treatment center with a doctor/co-owner who is also in recovery. I imagine that I can get some detox assistance when I call.
Originally Posted by sober4myboys 
hopefully you can see a DR soon?
The info that my coworker gave me includes an outpatient treatment center with a doctor/co-owner who is also in recovery. I imagine that I can get some detox assistance when I call.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((peaceseeking)) - Welcome to SR!! I am in recovery for both addiction and codependency..I had a really bad history of being with dysfunctional men. SR and the great folks here have helped me, tremendously, on both aspects as most people here "get" us..you're not alone.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Choosing Life
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 1,435
I am so glad you're here. There is a lot of support here and a lot of folks who have been in similar situations. Many of us are moms too. I have two boys and a lot of my reasons for getting sober had to do with them, especially since my husband is still an active alcoholic and is not here for them (or for me, for that matter). We got sober together back in March but he relapsed a month later and is still drinking; I am still sober but I have to admit it is much more challenging having another alcoholic/addict living in the same house.
As much as I would like to see my husband sober, I have to think of myself and my sobriety first. I'm not in control of what he does or doesn't do, but I am in control of myself and my own choices. I truly hope and pray that both you and your boyfriend can get sober together and stay that way, but regardless of what he does, remember that you and your children come first. I truly feel your pain and have been through so many of those same emotions. It's hard. But you can do this and you're already taking some positive steps in the right direction. Wishing you all the best and thank you for allowing us to be part of your journey.
As much as I would like to see my husband sober, I have to think of myself and my sobriety first. I'm not in control of what he does or doesn't do, but I am in control of myself and my own choices. I truly hope and pray that both you and your boyfriend can get sober together and stay that way, but regardless of what he does, remember that you and your children come first. I truly feel your pain and have been through so many of those same emotions. It's hard. But you can do this and you're already taking some positive steps in the right direction. Wishing you all the best and thank you for allowing us to be part of your journey.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Baltimore, Md
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by Anna
Hi and Welcome,
I would not believe this was a one-time thing. I do believe it will happen again if you continue in this relationship.
I would not believe this was a one-time thing. I do believe it will happen again if you continue in this relationship.
I would like him to get help too. I would like us both to get healthy. It's a terrible conflict in my heart right now.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,474
I am sure this is very hard to be going through and it sounds like you've got a good plan.
If the house is in your name, you may be able to take legal steps to have him removed. It could be very helpful to talk to a lawyer or get some kind of legal aid. It may be necessary to have him physically removed from the house and to change the locks. Please know that you have the strength to deal with this. :ghug3
If the house is in your name, you may be able to take legal steps to have him removed. It could be very helpful to talk to a lawyer or get some kind of legal aid. It may be necessary to have him physically removed from the house and to change the locks. Please know that you have the strength to deal with this. :ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Baltimore, Md
Posts: 8
Oh. Thank you all for your responses already. Wow.
Yes, I can support myself. When I separated from my husband I made the vow (about the only one I have stuck with), to not be financially dependent upon another person again (a man especially). I work full time, I make decent money. I do live paycheck to paycheck due to a large amount of debt (a whole other issue), but I make it on my own.
My children do not witness any arguments or violence. But they are exposed to the palpable tension and the unhappiness in the air. There was one incident where my boyfriend told me I was verbally provoking him (when the kids were in the other room), told me to knock it off or else he was "gonna snap my neck." My oldest son walked in to the room at that last comment. I minimized. My boyfriend left the house to get some space.
I know this is unacceptable. And for that I feel guilty.
Yes, I can support myself. When I separated from my husband I made the vow (about the only one I have stuck with), to not be financially dependent upon another person again (a man especially). I work full time, I make decent money. I do live paycheck to paycheck due to a large amount of debt (a whole other issue), but I make it on my own.
My children do not witness any arguments or violence. But they are exposed to the palpable tension and the unhappiness in the air. There was one incident where my boyfriend told me I was verbally provoking him (when the kids were in the other room), told me to knock it off or else he was "gonna snap my neck." My oldest son walked in to the room at that last comment. I minimized. My boyfriend left the house to get some space.
I know this is unacceptable. And for that I feel guilty.
Sobriety date 12/19/2011
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: TX
Posts: 409
I am in the exact situation. My ex is living in my home and I just now purchased another home to get away from him. I am lost with what to do, but I can tell you what I have been thinking, or some insights that I have had.
1. Rent it to him
2. Get another company involved to rent it to him
3. Let him live there while I sell it
4. If he wont rent it, then get the company to evict him
5. Let him pay me a little bit of money per month while I sell it
These are the thoughts/insights I have had in the last 3 weeks. I am not sure what to do either. We have 2 boys, aged 13 and the other one will be 12 next month. I am so confused because I don't want their father to not have a home, but I have got to keep reminding myself that I am not his God. I have got to move on, and allow him to move on. It is a very hard situation that I am in. I don't know if this helps, I am just telling you my story, but it sounds a lot like yours.
1. Rent it to him
2. Get another company involved to rent it to him
3. Let him live there while I sell it
4. If he wont rent it, then get the company to evict him
5. Let him pay me a little bit of money per month while I sell it
These are the thoughts/insights I have had in the last 3 weeks. I am not sure what to do either. We have 2 boys, aged 13 and the other one will be 12 next month. I am so confused because I don't want their father to not have a home, but I have got to keep reminding myself that I am not his God. I have got to move on, and allow him to move on. It is a very hard situation that I am in. I don't know if this helps, I am just telling you my story, but it sounds a lot like yours.
Run to live... live to run
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Western Maryland
Posts: 1,091
Welcome! I have to agree with everyone else. You should get of out that relationship. Abuse is NEVER okay, drinking or not. This is somthing that usually habitual. We are all here for support.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 189
Yes I did mean doctor lol.
About your boyfriend, a restraining order is a good place to start but will probably enrage him, so a safe place to go for the time being would be good. BUT, since you have bruises etc., now would be the time to press charges as you have physical proof of the abuse. Maybe this could be a wake up call for you both?
About your boyfriend, a restraining order is a good place to start but will probably enrage him, so a safe place to go for the time being would be good. BUT, since you have bruises etc., now would be the time to press charges as you have physical proof of the abuse. Maybe this could be a wake up call for you both?
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 3,452
My hope for you in this moment is that you have courage to take action to improve your life for yourself and for your children.
Each day, try to improve, ask for help, pray if you are so inclined.
I hope it all works out for you.
Stay positive.
Each day, try to improve, ask for help, pray if you are so inclined.
I hope it all works out for you.
Stay positive.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Rocky Mountains, USA
Posts: 344
Thanks for posting, peaceseeking. From personal experience with domestic violence, I'd just like to add to the others' comments that:
Adding even one ounce of alcohol to a tense situation is like throwing gasoline on a fire.
Please be safe, put you and your kids at #1 priority.
Adding even one ounce of alcohol to a tense situation is like throwing gasoline on a fire.
Please be safe, put you and your kids at #1 priority.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Baltimore, Md
Posts: 8
Well. I figured I would update a little bit. I have been sober now for 6 days. I enrolled myself into a outpatient detox program for 6 weeks. I have tapered myself down off of librium at this point. Been going to AA meetings too.
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