Weasel1966

I guess the answer is simple. When we are dead.

I wanna stop trying so damn bad.

When we are kids our parents love is what feeds us. Gives us the energy to keep going.

Then when we are old enough our fuel is our firsts. First love. First sex. First everything. That sustains us.

Then when we fall in love that gives us more energy to make to the next.

Then we are supposed to have kids and they fuel us again to keep going.

What if you have none of that. How do you keep going when there seems to be no good reasons?

I cring at posting this. No one is supposed to know that I feel this way. I always smile. I always try to help others.

I guess my drinking and drug use is what gives it away.

It's been two months that I have been on SR. I have more sober days than ever for many years.

I know what goes down must come up but this is the absolute hardest thing I have ever tried to do.

But I guess the point of the whole thing is that I tried.

I will continue to try.

So I guess I answered my own question. Never.

TimW

Not sure I have any word of advice, but that was stimulating and well written.

JustARide

In my own experience, I needed to stop looking for external reasons to "keep going" and find internal reasons to "keep going".

Good Luck Weasel...
I'm glad to see you are still trying and have not given up.

MrsKing

When we stop trying, we have nothing. That is true for everything - whether it be giving up alcohol/drugs, whether it be aiming for a better life, an education, a holiday - ANYTHING. We are creatures that always aim to improve ourselves and our lives. We must try, because without that we have no future. Do you understand what I mean? If we give up on believing that there are better places/times out there for us, then we are giving up on life. Being content is being at the place you want to be and in order to get to that place we must try with all our might to get there.

Things will get easier. It's difficult to battle constantly, but think of the end goal, and realise that you CAN get there. There isn't a magic answer to quitting or life in general, but all we can do is give all we can to efforts to get to where we want to be.

Elisabeth888

Great post.

I share your thoughts and I was told to stop comparing other peoples' outsides to my own insides. It is a hard habit to break though

pinkdog

I am sober 2 years. I'm never gonna drink again. Alcohol makes me sick. The way I got sober was to change the "I try" to "I will" and "I am". Honestly. Best wishes to you buddy. Go into it as your #1 priority. You will be so proud of your accomplishment. Sobriety rocks! I know you can do this. Hugs.:ghug3

MalkavianEmily

That's a great post Weasel. As somebody once said, we only fail when we stop trying.
And feel free to say what you need to. We're here for you. We'll listen and we won't judge. Who says how we're supposed to feel?
I'm off to university in September. I should feel excited. Happy. Fired up. I feel scared and lost. Worried that I've lost the ability to handle academic life. Scared that I'm going to mess up, that I can't do it. Is it going to stop me trying. No. No, it isn't. Is. Not.
At one point, those worries were an excuse to drink. Now, I realise that drinking will make those worries true. And that being sober gives me a fighting chance to succeed.
So no, don't give up. Keep on going.

2granddaughters

In AA's "How It Works" it says 'half measures availed us nothing' and I say that not implying that you aren't trying but that you may have to re-examine what you are doing.

As an alcoholic, giving up my own ideas was unimaginable and unacceptable yet that was exactly what had to happen for me to recover..... I had to surrender to Alcoholics anonymous and the 12 Steps.
I have to let go of my ingrained thoughts and deeds and develop new habits and ways of thinking. A monumental but do-able thing when I remember that AA's How It Works" also says:
'What an order! I can't go through with it." Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.'

I had to decide whether I could fix me or whether I would let AA fix me.
My best efforts over my first 45 years brought me to drunkenness, failure, broken relationships, loss of self, psyche wards, suicide attempts and collapse .... I thought I would give AA my best effort in 1989 and none of the above have happened since.

All the best.

Bob R

tomsteve

When do you stop trying?

when the pain of getting drunk exceeded the pain of reality, when it was get sober or kil myself,when i was finally desperate enough, i walked into AA and stopped "trying." i didnt quit drinking. i did that a jillion times before. this time i stopped, did what 2granddaughters did, and have stayed stopped since. now i'm sober and soberiety rocks!!!
when i say i am gonna "try" something, i set myself up for failure.

Weasel1966

Just struggling today to put the pieces together in a way that makes sense.

I know what needs to be done. We all do. Nothing has changed about the end goal.

I was told on a post that we are holding on with our fingertips and that when we hoist ourselves up to see over the edge we will see a brighter tomorrow. And we will never want to go back.

I love that view point.

I do not see this as something I cannot accomplish. Do. Defeat. How ever i need to see it to get my life back.

I just need to to want it.

I do. But my actions say otherwise.

So .... Where does that leave me?

Not defeated. Not overcome. Not dead. Just......

2granddaughters

I was told almost the same thing in the recovery home but it went like this:

We find ourselves over the cliff and hanging on to the last remaining finger hold of our lives.
We are unable to hoist ourselves back up (or even keep holding on) and are also afraid to heed the soft voice of God saying "Let go my child, I will catch you".
I had to kill myself .... or let go. A very hard decision for an alcoholic like me !
In blind faith I let go in '89 and here we are in 2012. I still can't believe it some days.... I really didn't think I was going to see 1990.


"I know what needs to be done. We all do. Nothing has changed about the end goal."
Are you sure you know what needs to be done and how to do it? If we all did we wouldn't end up here.

Best of luck to you.

Bob R

FredG

There is, actually a time to quit trying and that's when you want to fail, because the only time you fail at anything is when you quit trying.

That being said, if something doesn't work one way, then you need to try doing it differently.

Live2Run25

Hang in there. You can do this!!

Michael66

Hi Weasel

Glad you're hanging in there!

For me the greatest battle was while I was still drinking, and that was getting to the point being prepared to say goodbye to 'friend' beer for good. Intellectually I knew it was bad for me - I was getting to an age where the lifetime load on my liver was starting to really concern me, I was neglecting people and activities that were important to me, and my work was beginning to suffer. Yet even with all this damage beer was doing to me, it still felt like I was choosing to say goodbye to a precious lover. That's really weird isn't it? I've said goodbye now and moved on. The 'battle' for me was in the time (and it was a long time) while I was drinking, getting to the point of really wanting to move on, and being able to let go of it. Personally I didn't drink because I 'had to', I didn't drink because of some voice telling me to, though I accept for others that is the case; I drank because deep-down I wanted to. For me it was (paraphrasing Augustine) always a case of "God, make me sober, but please not today".

Anyway, I mention that just in case you're going through something similar. My experience so far is that once that decision is really made, the actual being sober part is actually much easier.

God bless - keep hanging in there.