aeo1313

I have been clean and sober for 54 days and sometimes I feel like I am not a real alcoholic or don't have a problem bc I have not relapsed. Is that not the craziest thought ever??? I mean, WTF??? I keep thinking if I really had a problem I'd be drinking the vodka that sits in our cabinet, or the beer in the fridge, etc. I really like being sober and am so much more productive and clear headed (duh) so why these thoughts?

Is this my addiction thumping me in the brain with these thoughts? Taunting me? Why is this sometimes so confusing? All I really know if that I love going to my AA meetings- they make me feel safe and comfortable and loved. I love waking up not hungover and I love not constantly thinking where am I going to get more pills from.

EricL

That line of thinking is oh so common! "I'm not as bad as ____! I must not be a drunk!" You yourself say you love going to AA and feel "safe" there, keep up with it. Have you gotten a sponsor? Are you active in the steps and reading the BB with them? Do you have a homegroup? Are you being of service? These things tend to alleviate this crazy thinking.

aeo1313

I do have a sponsor and am at step 4 although I haven't started it yet. Thanks for your response.

artsoul

It's just the addiction talking...... I knew I was an alcoholic, had been to treatment two times (!), and still found myself doubting it often during the first few months. When I felt that way, I'd come here and get a reality check. It takes time for those voices to stop playing in your head, but they will eventually get quieter and quieter!

sober4myboys

I believe that our minds or "addictive voice" is one of the biggest indicators that we do have a problem. A "normal" drinker doesn't have to argue with themselves or rationalize their driniking or not drinking.

MrsKing

Congrats on being clean and sober for 54 days, that's absolutely fantastic. Well done you! Try to ignore those thoughts. Sometimes I try to convince myself that if I haven't had a drink in almost 3 months then I MUST be normal, but the point is that I'm not normal, because I've HAD to be sober those 3 months. I needed to for a variety of reasons, and you probably did too? Think back to why you made the decision to become sober 54 days ago. Remember how you felt and what spurred you on - that's a better indicator of whether you have a problem, not whether you've relapsed or not. Be so proud of yourself that you haven't!

PeacefulRain

My alcoholic voice has realized it gets nowhere with me so the bitch started attacking me in my sleep. Well guess what jerk I WAKE UP and it makes me even stronger in my resolve to not relapse.

Last night I dreamt I bought a bottle of wine (that was my achilles heal) even in my dream I was saying NOOOO I don't want to start over. When I woke up I was SOOOO happy it was a dream.

Itchy

(On edit, I got interrupted and there have been many posts since your first and I got back to this long one. So it is not an answer to any of your replies, all of which are good even when using the metaphors I avoid when possible, we are all saying the same thing)

Nope, if you are like me, your lack of relapsing is what I experienced since my wife did not stop drinking or smoking, and there is Scotch and a carton of smokes always in the house. Now I am not pro or con any recovery methods and have used them all. The reason I still am here on SR is because I am at cause. Alcohol is a substance I abused for decades. It had, and continues to have both physical and emotional, as well as cognitive effects on me most of which at 21 months of sobriety have or are healing nicely.

So I do not think it is clever, I am when acting like an addict. It has no voice although many people do hear voices in their heads, both normal non alcoholic people as well as the emotionally disturbed, I never did before drinking, during, or after. My internal debates are both me, not a substance having personality traits or a voice. The devil doesn't lead me into temptation, nor does God, gods, demons, I can find it all by myself and have.

But being so determined and not dealing with mental cravings or thoughts with anything more than amusement of how I had learned behaviors, and were extinguishing the bad ones. So I questined whether I wasdifferent than other alcoholics. I wasn't interested in nit picking recovery methods, I used them all quite literally for my first six months. I still get folks that tell me I can't be really recovered and then raise the bugaboo of the people, including some of the relapsers themselves, telling how they or others relapsed after years of sobriety. Not me, I quit because it was killing me slowly, and I was through.

But like you all of the relapsers were not the same long or short. More than anything, and not all relapsers after long term sobriety, I read that they "forgot" how it was and/or "thought" they could drink normally again.

I don't care about terms. But I too have had all the relapse talk spook me at about six months sober and almost quit SR because I never thought about it, except when here.

Then a few times the thought crossed my mind. I finally realized it was just a tiny bit of grief over not being able to do it anymore and the thought is gone with a smile AT MYSELF!

SR is still my long term support, and I won't be relapsing thanks to the folks here telling me what happened. I think most relapsers plan to long in advance either by feeling it is inevitable, or actually talking themselves into believing that their strength in staying sober translates into a strength to control their drinking.

I don't care what it is, but once an alcoholic always one as far as me never being able to control it any other way than complete abstinence.

I learned that here by reading thecexoeriences of others. You see, I am basically lazy, and will learn the easy way whenever I can now, after decades of learning how to handle alcohol the hard way.

The best way to never relapse for me? Not to. I can control my sobriety and proved that the hard way too. I am through with the hard way. Join me!

Rossy

I know how you feel but I have no desire to drink at all anymore,I do think I'd be sick if I had a drink.

Stay strong and you will do it,I am at day 360 sober which I never thought I'd reach.

EternalQ

Hi AEO, I quit drinking 4 1/2 months back and have never relapsed. I dont think that it is that uncommon but you just do not hear about it.

As for your rationale for relapsing (your addiction must not be that bad) when you think about it, we use relapses as reasons to relapse again... and we use not relapsing as a reason to relapse.... Lol

There is always a reason to drink! Which is why the only reasonable response, is to stay quit.

I also believe relapse screws with our brain chemistry in severe ways. To give in briefly and give your brain something it had lost hope for is just high risk. Clearly it will make your brain go crazy and it will double its efforts to hit that pleasure center. Retrain your brain. Don't screw with it.

pinkdog

54 days is great! It is the nature of the beast to tell you that you do not have a problem. Remind yourself of the problems that it has caused in the past. The real problems that led you to quit. I do not believe that anyone has to relapse. That's why I read and post daily, so I won't become complacent. Sobriety is a great way to live. And sobriety gets better with time. Keep going friend! It is your choice. Life is beautiful with sobriety. Hugs.

freshstart57

There is a thought exercise I have used to complete effect, and one that has some use, I feel, for all addicts. This is whether you attend meetings in the rooms, are working the steps, are doing it one day at a time, are asking questions about your belief systems that lead you to drink, and so on.

This is the idea of the addictive voice, and is a way to distance yourself from ridiculous ideas like I can have just one, I must not be a real alcoholic because I haven`t relapsed, I`ve learned how to handle it, and the rest. All of these ideas come from the same part of you, the same part that wants to go back to addictive addiction. To this I say, TRICKERY TRICKERY TRICKERY.

Please continue with whatever has taken you to this point in your journey, aeo1313, but realize that those ideas you are talking about are the same ones that made you a regular at the bar or liquor store, and almost killed you. Stay with it.

Dee74

Hey A

If you look back at your journey you'll see how hard it was - you don't need to doubt that or doubt that you have a problem.

I returned to drinking many many many many times - until I got into recovery....

I'm still an alcoholic but I changed and my life changed too...5 and a half years counting

D

SSIL75

I think you feel a little like that until you backfill the void that alcohol leaves when you remove it from your life. It feels a little surreal or something, IME

MalkavianEmily

aeo, yes it is. I've been having those thoughts, on and off, for the last couple of weeks. It's the beast talking. She'll say anything to get what she wants. And I know that. "And knowing is half the battle," as the cliche goes.

And congrats on 54 days

sugarbear1

Congratulations on 54 days!

CraigA

Congrats, day by day we build ourselves up! The voices will talk and we have the action to not act on those thoughts, they are natural just like whenb you first start exercising your muscles hurt until you get in shape, just keep going to meetings, posting, step work, fellowshipping and it will get better! God Bless!!!

Threshold

Well, you struggled along, wanting to quit, sorta quitting, cheating, using, wanting to quit...etc for a few months here with us...I think thats a sort of relapse...a few days clean, then throwing in the towel.

now you are done with that and onto recovery! No need to relapse, you played that tug of war and won!

katrinka

I've had those thoughts too. Like I haven't suffered enough, I need to relapse to be a normal recovering sober person (huh?) It's funny when this addictive voice talks to you and makes no sense. And I haven't relapsed yet, it was getting started that was hard for me.

tomsteve

them thoughts went away when i started saying," i havent relapsed....yet."

for me, a relapse would end with a drink.